How to Attract the Right Person

I recently updated this article to go into better depth of what the original topic was. You can find the new article here.

Imagine going to the ice cream parlor to buy some ice cream, only to be told when you get there that your favorite flavor is sold out, forcing you to buy the next closest thing.
Looking for the right person to marry is like that.

There is no such thing as “one true love” or a “soul mate”; these are romanticized terms to make you feel better about your situation and give you a false hope that there is someone specific out there waiting for you.—On the contrary, you are capable of marrying anyone you choose, just like you are capable of eating every flavor of ice cream (food allergies aside). With love, there isn’t such a thing as destiny or fate, nothing is pre-decided beforehand that you will meet, let alone marry, the perfect person for you. You will marry the person you choose to marry, regardless of whether they are the best thing for your life or not.
However, because it is your choice, you may set certain criteria that you wish your future spouse to possess. This is what I want to theme today’s article around.

If you could take a look at your life, taking note of all the people you come in contact with every day and the people you know personally and how you know them, where you met, how good of a relationship you have with them, etc. You will have a general idea of what your “sphere” is. These are the networks you are connected to as well as the people who go to the same places you do and are likely interested in some of the same things you are.
Your sphere is all of the people who you could build a relationship with if you chose to. Out of that “sphere” about half of the people are ineligible for you to date based on sexual orientation. Depending on where you live, there are still plenty of people in your sphere who you could date and build a relationship with. Think of your sphere as the ice cream store which has many different flavors, toppings, and options.
In the ice cream story, you were faced with a dilemma, you left your house expecting to buy your favorite flavor but that flavor was sold out. Before we cover the dilemma, how do you know what your favorite flavor is? Perhaps you have tasted it in the past and enjoyed it. Maybe you’ve had something similar to it and you enjoy anything of that flavor. Maybe you know what you don’t want your ice cream to taste like and your favorite ice cream is the one that is completely opposite.

Relating this to finding your future spouse, how do you know what you’re looking for if you don’t have some sort of criteria or preference? Take out a piece of paper (or since most of you are on the internet, open up a document) and write down a list of criteria that you want for your future spouse, these can be things you want and things you know you don’t want.



Is the list very long? –Many people share this common list: Devoted to God, honest, trustworthy, successful, and attractive. ---Hold on, what does that mean? How do you plan on determining if someone is trustworthy? How can you find out if someone is honest or devoted to God? Do you plan on following your girlfriend around everywhere to see if she returns that extra change that the cashier gave her? Are you going to take notes on how many commandments your boyfriend breaks? How about people you don’t know but who are in your sphere, how can you tell if they are trustworthy without giving them a little bit of trust first and risking them breaking that trust?
Rewrite you list now, but write more specific things down that you could reasonably gage without being a creeper. I would recommend basing them around goals that you are working towards as well as your values and lifestyle. For instance, if all you want to do is be a stay at home mom with lots of kids, you could write that your husband better want to have a lot of kids as well and that he’ll have a better career than working at subway his whole life so that he can support your family. If you have a goal of owning and running your own restaurant, you’ll want a wife who will either support your business in some way by helping out with one of the business aspects, or who will support you for running the business. Perhaps you know that you don’t want to marry someone who is in the military because of the stress it has put on your present family for having a father or brother who is serving. Maybe you don’t want to marry someone who drinks or smokes or someone who doesn’t take life seriously. Write these things down.








This exercise is meant to help you describe what your ideal partner is like. In the ice cream analogy this is your favorite flavor.

When you go to the ice cream store you go with the intent on purchasing your favorite flavor with all the right toppings and served as a milkshake or in a bowl or cone. When you start looking for someone to marry, you might discover that there is no one who perfectly fits your criteria within your sphere. (the dilemma) That is okay and merely means that you either need to expand your sphere and branch out in order to discover the people who are like that (perhaps you don’t know enough people), or you need to settle on the flavor that is most similar to what you are looking for (perhaps your criteria is too strict). Again, it is perfectly fine to run into this problem. On the other hand, you may find it easy to fill your criteria, just be sure to get the most out of what you want in life (don’t be too general unless it is honestly what you want).

The second part to finding the right person to marry is a little more complex than choosing ice cream at the store. Now that you have an idea of what you are looking for, you need to switch places with that person. Get inside their shoes: what types of things do THEY like and are looking for in a spouse? It would be nice if we could put as our number one criteria: “they will love me for who I am”. But what is essentially being said by that statement is that you aren’t going to change in order to help them with their life or to help them to love you. Selfish relationships rarely last—if they can even get off the ground to begin with!
The important precept to understand is that “you need to be the right person for the right person.” Don’t think things are automatically going to fall in your lap and be easy. Remember that there is no such thing as destiny or fate, everything is your choice and if you want something out of life, you will have to work for it. If you become the right person for your right person, the hardest part will be over. –It will be easy to convince him or her to marry you because both of your lives will fit together perfectly.

As time goes on, you change and your likes and dislikes change as well, be sure to update your list of what you are looking for. At the same time, strive to become the kind of person that your future husband or wife will easily fall in love with and it will make finding the right person a lot easier.