Recently, the LDS church website was redesigned, and I feel like now is also a good time to list a few reference points to other material that state some of the same things that my blog does, so I’ve been searching for a few good articles and here’s what I’ve come up with:
- A rock solid article on being the right person for the right person, self-respect, and a little bit about the Lord’s part in our progress: Choosing and Being the Right Spouse(2002)
- A good article on how relationships take time and that passion should be put somewhat restrained in order to develop a real relationship: Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends (1994)
--Be careful when you read in the beginning of the article not to confuse his definition of “friendship” with other definitions of the word. He uses the term to signify that the two individuals know and understand each other’s long-term goals, are sufficiently prepared at the time they get married, and have learned to appreciate and love one another. - A few good true stories about how marriage is the Lord’s will and that we need to not fear or shy away from it:
Making the Marriage Decision (2010) - I’ve commented on this article in the past, it covers a broad range of false thinking that young single adults associate with marriage and it explains the outcome of such thinking. This is a definite read:
Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision (2007) - A good article that cites statistics and a survey taken at BYU (in 1987)—the numbers were probably worse elsewhere, but essentially the article makes a good case that there is nothing to fear about marriage and gives ten things to help us realize and desire marriage as well as prepare for it:
The Faith to Marry (1987) - An article that is meant to give hope to young single adults:
Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope (2008)
--I recommend you take a glance at this article (whether you end up reading it or not). There is an interesting blurb in the intro that I encourage you to read. It lists the ages of people who seek mental health counseling and then makes the statement that there is a growing trend for Young single adults to stay single for longer. I point this out because 26 and 27 isn’t all that old (time goes faster once to turn 20). Missionaries get home at age 21-23. You can pass 3 to 5 years quickly without getting married and ending up unhappy just like those in the examples. That can be roughly the amount of time it takes to go through a university.—But most people don’t seek counseling until they’ve done everything they possibly can, which could be even a year of extra unhappiness.—Don’t let it happen to you!
I also recently received the following question that I would like to answer in this post:
Q- How do you tell if someone is a player?
A-Before I answer, I want to define a player. I define a player as someone who manipulates other people in order to get what they want. –I suppose some people might define a player as someone who goes after multiple people at once, but I feel it is okay to like more than one person—at least until you are married that is—so there shouldn’t be a problem with dating multiple people—and moving forward with multiple people—until you make some sort of commitment with one of them.
Simply put, to tell if someone is a player, you first need to determine what they are after in life.—not everyone is at the same point in life and not everyone wants the same things. Second, you need to determine if they are getting what they want without full consent. (meaning, you need to determine if they are purposely manipulating people into doing things that only they benefit from or if they are doing things that appease everyone involved)
The problem arises when a person is only using those other people for selfish desires. They may even like and be interested in some of the people that they are using, but the fact remains that they are trying to get something specific from other people without benefiting the other person as well. (a.k.a. manipulation).
The most common manifestation of this (or rather, the one that most people think of) is merely attempting to receive sexual gratification from other people; this can come from actual sex, kissing or anything else. But players aren’t always after sex. Some players try to get freebies from everyone, they attempt to manipulate people into asking them on dates when they really have no intentions of progressing further with them. They attempt to get other people to buy them things and pamper them. They manipulate the other person into doing things for them –The list could go on and on, but I think the point is proven: a player is anyone who manipulates another person in order to receive some form of benefit for themselves and without regard for the other person.
With that understanding, you can tell if someone is a player by what their intentions are, or “what they want out of life” –Intentions aren’t always the easiest things to determine though and if the person is particularly good at deception then they’ll hide their intentions fairly well.
You need to understand that not everyone has the same agendas in life. Some people are uninterested in having a long-term relationship but still need to fill that gap in their life of having companionship with the opposite sex (it’s a basic need). They also might attempt to fulfill that need in an unconventional way (such as turning people into “kissing buddies” or “slaves” who they use to fix all their problems). If you are after the same thing as they are, then you both end up with what you want and there really isn’t any manipulation involved. For instance, if both of you want a “kissing buddy” then neither of you are really playing the other person. When you want one thing and they want another, you might feel played when they get what they want and you do not. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a player though. People can be under the assumption that you are both in accordance on what you want from one another, only to find out later that you are not both after the same things.
If you feel like you are constantly giving and not receiving, that can be a good indicator that you are being played, but remember that not everyone wants the same thing. He or she might be getting what is wanted from you and assume that you to are getting from them what you want. You can’t exactly judge the other person for ignorantly getting into that situation. People are confusing, everyone is trying to make sense of the events that take place in their life; therefore, it might just be that the two of you have the wrong impressions of one another and assume that the both of you are after the same thing when really you are not. That doesn’t make either of you a player, but in both of your best interests, you’ll want to stop.
Communication is the key, the more you talk about subjects relating to life and their goals, the better you will understand what their intentions are.
You can circumvent all of your problems by avoiding getting too close to people who don’t want the same things as you do (short-term relationships/long-term relationships).—Don’t be rude about it, but in your better interest it is okay to politely decline their advances.
I need to make an additional comment about this answer though as it is essential to a happy future: Even though you aren’t a player just because you merely want to have short-term relationships or “make-out buddies”, and you can find some people who share those same intentions, it isn’t going to make you happy in the end. Everything that merely entertains you in the present can leave you feeling hollow and empty once you overuse or can no longer be entertained by it. It can be an addiction that prevents you from having greater happiness and threatens future relationships you might have.
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