To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.
He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?
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I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).
Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.
I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.
This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.
Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.
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