A Brief Explanation of Mating and Dating Psychology

To make our process of dating and finding a mate simple, we subconsciously classify people into groups based on our needs and their ability to fulfill those needs.

There are three general, basic needs that everyone is trying to fulfill: Physical needs, such as having food, water, shelter, filling your appetite, etc.; Mental needs, such as the using of our mind, the gaining of knowledge, the sense of accomplishment, obtaining a greater understanding of life, etc.; and Emotional needs, such as being happy, loving and being loved, feeling successful, fitting in, etc.
We seek activities and companionships that can fulfill these desires in our everyday life. For instance, we obtain employment in order to gain food, water, and shelter; we have friends so that we can be happy, and we read the newspaper because we wish to gain a greater understanding of life around us.

Of course there are some activities that you will do that fulfill multiple needs all at once; and there are also times where you will have to choose between fulfilling one need or the other but not both. Life is a complex collection of your past and present experiences and your desires for your future. When you are placed in a complicated situation, your mind will engage in a process to simplify the information it is presented with in order to make a decision.

Relating this to dating and mating, your mind makes a complex process (finding someone to enter into a relationship with who will fulfill your physical, mental, and emotional needs), into a simple one.

So, to make your dating and mating life simple, you both consciously and subconsciously classify people.--Ever been hit on by someone you didn’t particularly want to be around? How do you know you don’t want to be around that individual—because you pre-classified them as non-dating material.
The classifications you make become based on various observations of the five senses, especially those related to body-language, and can be based on cognitive associations. For instance, if you perceive someone as 'weird' or 'awkward' when comparing them to the rest of society, you will attach a classification to them that they aren’t your “type” (because they can’t fulfill your basic needs of 'fitting in' very well), and you won’t feel attracted to them. On the same note, you can perceive someone as being attractive (and capable of fulfilling your needs) and you will classify them as your “type”.

Primarily, this classifying happens subconsciously—you won’t typically think about it while it is happening and you will do it automatically with everyone you meet.—The objective your subconscious tries to achieve through classifying is to narrow down your options to the candidates who can fulfill your needs better than the rest.

Again, whether you are consciously trying to judge people or not, your subconscious will do so for you in order to make your decisions simpler.

Pertaining to dating, there are essentially four categories that you will classify people into who you come in contact with and will generally develop relationships around those categories:

1. Short-Term
2. Long-Term
3. Out of League
4. Below League*

Short-term relationships are relationships that usually fulfill some of your needs, particularly the physical needs. As the name implies, they are short-term; the end is foreseeable. Examples of this type of relationship are sugar daddies/sugar mommas (an individual who is used for their money or skills), or especially a make-out/intimate partner.

Long-term relationships tend to last longer, more is invested in them, and they have greater payoffs over time (e.g. you fulfill more of your needs, especially emotional needs), however, they still take time. Examples of this type of relationship include husband/wife and courting relationships.

Out of League relationships fulfill emotional and mental needs, such as the need to love and to feel excitement; however, they do a poor job at it. Those who are “out of your league” are people who you wish you could form a short or long-term relationship with, but feel as though the chances of that happening are very slim. Over time you lose interest in these people and they slip from your sphere due to lack of contact. Examples of this are your secret crush, or the guy/girl who you suck up to frequently but don’t go anywhere with. [If you’re thinking of a specific person right now, you should consider signing up for my dating coaching services as I can help you with this problem.]

Below League relationships are relationships where you perceive that the individual cannot fulfill your needs. It is the flipside of the above situation; you have someone who you aren’t interested in and who won’t leave you alone; or it could be someone who you just want to be friends with because dating them really wouldn’t fulfill your needs.


As I mentioned earlier, you will come into situations where you have to value your needs and determine between two actions that fulfill different needs. In some situations this can be quite honorable, but in other situations it turns out sad: some people have such a strong emotional need for acceptance and to be loved that they will give up their physical well-being to do so and offer themselves to an individual in a short-term relationship in order to fulfill that need and their physical desire. I call this trading, as usually the individual gives up one need in order to seek after another need.

There is actually a fourth set of needs that not many psychologists mention: Spiritual needs. You have a desire to be connected with God and to be founded on the moral truth. Some people are fooled by Satan into seeking after other “gods” in order to fulfill this need. They will go to great lengths in order to justify their behavior morally when the only true way to fulfill that need is through repentance.
Although this set of needs can only be fulfilled personally, you can develop relationships that help you to fulfill these needs for yourself.

When you are developing relationships, it is important to consider your basic needs: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. You should seek long-term relationships that can potentially fulfill all of those needs.**


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* I merely use these terms; they are referred to differently by different people and encompass a lot more than the brief description I give of them.
** I devoted this article to the dating application of these principles, but for reference, there are certain situations where short-term relationships are acceptable.