The topic I wanted to write about today goes along well with the last article I wrote about advancing from one step in a relationship to another. This time I’m going to take a step back and explain some situations that lead up to having a relationship. I’ve heard a couple people talk about how they’re still in a certain “stage” of dating. It is implied, with some of these same people who are in that mindset, that these stages require them to perform a specific “type” of date and that they must be done in a set order.
I would describe this as “The Plan for Marriage”.
Their order typically goes something like this:
Mingling – Group dating – Non-committed Dating – Committed Dating – Courting – and then Marriage.
They point out the specifics behind each type of date, and mostly agree with their reasoning but with some differences. There ideas are:
Mingling is more of a pre-step to building a relationship. It’s going to an activity and saying “hi” to someone and meeting them for the first time. Group dating is designed to put them in a non-awkward position where they can get to know a person a little more and decide who they want to single out for the next type of date, Non-Committed dating, which can be double or single dating in their opinion. It is meant to get to know a person even better, but at the same time, such people will also be dating other people so there isn’t really any ties that bind the pair together. Then comes Committed dating where both people agree that they won’t date anyone else and they “test” out the other person to see if they are worthy of advancing to the next stage. Courting is the final stage to “dating” in such people’s mind and is meant to be some sort of pre-engagement as well as full engagement where they work out their final problems before: Nuh nununuhhh! Marriage. Everyone seems to stop there without explaining marriage, so I’m going to assume that I know what they are talking about.
While this “Plan” for dating sounds well and good, I think there are a bunch of missing pieces as well as parts that have been assumed, some of which are assumed incorrectly. Let me proceed to explain my own “Plan” as I feel it might shed some light on this subject.
For the sake of congruency I’m going to use the same names, however, my definition is slightly different:
Mingling – Dating – Courting – Marriage.
Mingling: This seems to be the same as what everyone agrees that it is. You go to parties, you attend events, you go to gatherings with the same interests as you, and you meet people. You find people who you “connect” with or people who you find attractive and you ask for their phone number or some other means of getting ahold of them in the future.
Dating: Here is where the instant difference comes in. This is more like the concept of “Non-committed” dating where you aren’t tied down to anyone but you’re going on dates to get to know the other person, however, I wouldn’t draw a line between the popular definition of committed and non-committed dating. Dating is dating. Your objective should be to decide if you want to settle down with an individual. You can accomplish this in many ways, and I will touch on this a little further on in this article, but essentially there shouldn’t be a need to make this complex.
Courting: This is where I think most people get thrown off. Of all the articles out that that encourage singles to relearn how to court, not many of them go in depth about what it actually is, and those that do still provide a lot of room for misinterpretation. Courting is very similar to the modern term of “boyfriend/girlfriend” or (and here’s the tricky term) “dating” as in, “I am dating Shelby Tang”. Courting could be described as a diplomatic relationship between two people, one male one female. It is typically initiated verbally and though it is slightly binding, it can be dissolved depending on circumstances. The agreed upon terms are that both parties will choose not to date other people. Think of it as an alliance.
This “alliance” brings trust into the relationship; whereas before trust wasn’t a necessary component and either side could pursue other people. This provides the opportunity to test one’s level of trust in a lower-risk situation. Humans have ingrained in them a need to require trust and most social organizations have methods in which trust is secured; whether it is through a written contract, a computer password, or a specific understanding of information, we desire trust and we expect it in every aspect of our lives. While we are courting, we have the opportunity to share personal information with the other person such as our dreams, goals, and life plans. Lasting relationships are based on the things discussed in courting.
Because both parties have agreed to enter into a strict relationship of trust, there is the benefit of increased comfort and security. Without such comfort and security, it would be difficult to cover the necessary volumes of information that is needed before making further commitments to one another.
Marriage: Marriage is that “further commitment”. Once you have courted sufficiently and are comfortable with one another, love one another, are attracted to one another, understand a great deal about one other, and feel completely safe and secure with one another, then the agreement to get married is initiated. This is called engagement. During engagement, courting continues until the wedding day. After they are married, the couple will continue to develop trust for one another, they will continue to grow with one another, they will continue to love one another and be attracted to one another. If courting were compared to an alliance between two countries, marriage would be a complete union of countries where there are no longer two countries but there is only one country. This doesn’t mean that the end is reached; it means that they have fully agreed to never date or look at another person of the opposite sex. This is the ultimate trust, and they do this because of the benefits that come with it. Both parties benefit from making this agreement.
Now to return to the previous point I made. During the dating period, your objective is to decide if you would like to enter into a (courting) relationship with the other person. Finding is not a part of this stage. All of your finding should take place during the “Mingling” stage, so don’t approach a date as though you are going to “find” someone, as you have already found someone. Think of it as digging through a raspberry patch. Once you find a raspberry, you need to decide if it is worth it to eat it right now or to leave it alone and let it develop more and possibly you will return to the raspberry if someone hasn’t already eaten it. Dating is like examining the berry.
That said, I would like to touch on three kinds of dates: Group dates, double dates, and single dates. Group dates are defined as dates in which many people, as a group, do something, anything, that allows them to get to know each of the members in the group better. Double dates are dates in which four people, two guys and two girls, do something, anything, that allows them to get to know each other better. Single dates are dates between two people, a guy and a girl, in which both people get to know each other. They are personal. However, it is important to understand that the more people in the group, the less you will get to know the other people. One reason for this is time. You can only pay attention to one person at a time and since there are more people trying to get your attention, you will not be able to notice everything about everyone. Try reading the first page of 10 books or reading 10 pages of one book, there is a major difference in the amount of information you get from each scenario.
Theoretically, one could say that over time they could get to know everyone in the group if they go on enough dates as a group with them all. Such people fail to recognize another big benefit provided in single dating, and that is privacy. Most people don’t or won’t open up unless there is some level of trust or safety and security provided to them. In a group, some people don’t like to compete for attention, with others all they do is compete for attention. Both types of people are not being themselves; the first will guard their personality and the second will hype up and lie about their personality just to get attention. In order to truly get to know a person, you have to be alone with them. Yes, there is a risk that going on a single date will be awkward, but there is also a risk that it will be amazing and that you will instantly connect with the other person. You will have to take risks in order to marry the perfect person for you.
Group dates are actually a modern invention. The closest thing to a group date over a hundred years ago was a ball, but even balls were more events where everyone was invited to mingle and get to know the other people in their sphere.
There is a line that ought to be drawn by everyone to make the distinction between “finding” people to date and “getting to know” other people. Once you have “found” someone you would like to date, you should take them out on a date and not waste your time trying to “find” out if they are right for you. In other words, don’t mingle when you could be dating. Make dating a priority to mingling. This may simply mean getting a phone number from a girl who you have mingled with already, or it might mean asking a guy out on a date who you already have his number.
Don’t make finding someone you want to spend eternity with into something that is more complex than it has to be and set yourself apart from other people by getting to know someone and determining if they are worthy to court rather than “searching for the one”.
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