Hurt People, Hurt People

This article has been rewritten in several podcasts (with summaries) on my other blog:



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How to Act After Your Relationship Ends

Not all relationships end the way they should. Sometimes, people say or do hurtful things and it’s easy to be bitter or upset over whatever happened in your relationship. Some relationships leave you feeling awkward and unsure of how to interact with that individual once they are over. Do not be discouraged when this happens.
There is a mature and respectable way for you to behave after your relationship has ended. The following are suggestions on how you should behave. If you do these things, you can limit the awkwardness and get over the negative feelings that burden your mind.

Be optimistic - Reflect on the positive parts of your relationship, don’t be critical of the other person. Particularly, Do Not Gossip about them. There are three areas you should be optimistic about: 1) Be optimistic about yourself. Whether the relationship ended because of mistakes you made or not, try not to reflect on the problems too harshly. If you made a few mistakes, being optimistic means working to fix your problems. In most break ups, the blame can’t be easily pinned on one side or the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. 2) Be happy for the good things you experienced while in your relationship with the other person. Try not to blame the other person for everything. Again, in most break ups, the blame can’t be pinned on just one side. There are probably things that both of you can work on. When you talk to your friends about what transpired, try to paint the situation in a positive light and avoid sharing the faults of the other person. 3) Don’t blame society or the opposite sex in general for causing your relationship to end. Your ex is not an accurate representation of every man or woman in society. You need to look at people on an individual basis rather than grouping them all together. For more information about this read my last article.

Be forgiving - Don’t hold a grudge, even if something terrible happened to you. Grudges rarely hurt the other person more than they hurt yourself. The damage that you take from holding a grudge is often unseen to you but manifested to others. This can be psychological damage or even spiritual damage. Often times other people can recognize that you have not fully forgiven your ex; it puts off a bad aura or leaves them with a negative subconscious impression of you. Forgive everyone.

Redefine the Relationship - Just because that type of relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean that you can’t have another type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you can continue to have a relationship with the individual, just not in the same way as before. Redefine what type of relationship you would like to have with them and talk to them about it. By setting the right boundaries, you can continue to remain in contact with that individual and enjoy meaningful experiences with them.





Don’t hang on - If the relationship ended on no part of your own, or if you have regrets about ending the relationship, the worst thing for you to do is cling to the other person expecting them to suddenly change their mind and return again to you. When the relationship is ended, settle with that fact. Don’t try to force your way into their life. You can’t always redefine your relationship merely because you can’t control the other person. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to back off, leave them alone, and give them some space. Time apart has a funny effect on people; if there really is a chance for your relationship, the other person will recognize such after spending time on their own. Walk away, but leave the door open should they choose to return.

Don’t seek revenge - Breaking up brings out the worst emotions in people. Many people’s lives have been ruined when their ex intervened and did some terrible act of retaliation against them. There have been numerous extremes where the result of a breakup ended in murder, all because one side of the relationship lost control of their emotions. A big part of any break up is being able to forgive the other person; but if you are having a hard time forgiving them, at least try to catch yourself whenever you feel your emotions are running away with you. Do not do anything physically to get back at them; do not play games with them; and don’t meddle in their life. Also, make sure that your friends are under the same stance with your ex as you are so as to prevent them from doing things that are wrong, and to prevent them from encouraging you to do wrong.

Move on - Now that your relationship has ended, you are no longer tied down! Go find someone new. Although it is easy to say that you are just not interested in a relationship for the time being, you need to think about the long-term goals and plans that you set before entering into your previous relationship. If you were looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself and help you not feel lonely, then stick to your plan! If you wanted to get married back then and you started on an (1) attempt to do so, then what has really changed?—failure. You failed at this attempt and your failure has led you to fear. Failure, fear, and crushed dreams, can bring you down and prevent you from reaching your full potential. You need to look at what your life plans are and what you are trying to work towards and simply go do it. Don’t give up just because of one failed attempt, make the appropriate changes and try again.

Cease Contact - In some situations, the reason why you have negative feelings and can’t let go of the other person is because you remain in contact with them. Although it isn’t encouraged to go out of your way to avoid people, if it is your last resort, and it means the difference between losing control of yourself or having a serious breakdown, then do not remain in contact with the other person. When you find that redefining your relationship hasn’t worked and you still get in arguments, or when you allow the other person to remain in contact with you but feel as though they are merely leeching off of your life, you need to consider severing all ties with that individual. This can be tough and could cause you a lot of temporary emotional pain, but in some situations it is necessary. Use caution when you do this however, since it is hard to go back after you have done this.

Advice On Short-Term Relationships

In an effort to merge this website with my new life coaching website, I rewrote this article and published it over there in two articles:

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If you've already read the article that I had posted here, go read them both, particularly The Relationship Classification Guide since most of that article is new material.

What to do When You Have a Broken Heart

At least once in your lifetime, you will likely experience what it feels like to have your heart broken. It is the feeling of emotional pain after losing something that you are attached to. Perhaps you have asked yourself these questions after the experience:

1. Why do I feel this way?
2. It hurts so bad that I wonder, is it really worth it?
3. What can I do to avoid getting hurt in the future?
4. How do I get over losing him or her?

It is okay to feel this kind of emotional pain; you feel heart broken when you get attached to someone and you realize that you cannot be with them anymore. It can happen when someone close to you dies, moves away, or breaks up with you; and it can even happen when you are rejected by someone you like.
When you are heart broken, you might feel like it would be hard for you to go back to caring about someone else—that somehow the pain you feel now will never be replaced, and that it’s just not worth it to find someone else to get attached to. However, there is hope. You will get over them, you will move on and eventually everything will work out.
But before things will heal and before the pain goes away, you need to change a few things in your life. Many people, when they get into this situation, spend their time sulking around. -–This is not good for you. You should avoid anything that makes you feel “comfortable” with your present situation. This includes depressing or angry music or support groups that merely amount to criticizing the other person. Instead, you should do things that are positive, listen to good music, do things that will make you happy, and stop analyzing the situation. Try spending more time with your friends or going out to meet new people.






Having a broken heart, such as this, is just one of many of the experiences you will have to face in life. You will learn many things each time that it happens to you. Having your heart broken helps you to learn to be less selfish, it helps you to appreciate those people who are already a part of your life, and it helps you to better appreciate the person who you will eventually spend eternity with. Just like any other trial, God allows this to happen for your own good; but also like any other trial, He will help you through it if you turn to Him.

Simply put, there isn’t any one way to avoid getting heart broken in the future. You will have your up periods and your down times regardless of what you do. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.
If it happens to you frequently, you might feel frustrated enough that you would want to give up all together. You could develop a fear of getting hurt and that fear could lead you to also fear taking risks. But, you cannot go through life without taking risks. Everyone is afraid of taking risks, most people are afraid of failure, but who is the author of fear and doubt? Who wants you to fail in life? --Satan does. God wants you to succeed! He wants you to be happy, and he wants you to not only find the things that will bring you joy in life, but to also hold onto them. What more would Heavenly Father want for you then to get married in His holy house?
You essentially have the three most powerful people in universe on your side The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, you cannot fail.

Let me put things into perspective: Why do we risk embarrassment when we ask her for her number? Why do we take the risk of being rejected when we are asking a guy on a date? Why do we risk telling her how we feel about her even though she might not feel the same way? Why do we spend so much time with him instead of doing other things that will aid us in the future? Why do we risk being turned down when we propose to her? -–Simply put, because it is worth it. When you do these things, you at least have the chance of great things happening, but when you do none of them-—if you take a passenger’s seat ride through life—-you have no chance of great things happening for you.

You cannot go through life expecting good things to happen for you when you have done nothing to make them happen. This is a fairy-tale/fantasy mindset. In the real world, people are blessed based on what they work for and the kinds of risks that they take; the greater the risk, the greater the blessing. The harder you work for success with the risks you take, the more likely they will work in your favor. The same is true when it comes to dating.--If you truly want to get married some day so that you don't spend your life alone, then you need to take those scary, and often heart-breaking, risks and hope for the best. You never know how well things will turn out until you try for them.

And if this doesn't seem to help you, your parents, your bishop, your stake president, all of the prophets, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have all promised you that getting married in the temple will be worth it. There should be no doubt in your mind as to whether this is true. So the next time that you are about to take some form of risk that is a step towards a temple marriage, whether it is flirting with the guy around the corner or asking a girl on a date, remember that it will be incredibly worth it in the end; and the Lord will be on your side to help you succeed.