Recap: You are responsible for how things turn out with your dating life. If you do not like how your relationships always end up, then you need to change something in your life. When multiple people act the same way around you, the problem is not as much their fault as it is yours. Change for the better, change and have a better life.
Showing posts with label endure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label endure. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Foundations: Episode 16
Recap: You are responsible for how things turn out with your dating life. If you do not like how your relationships always end up, then you need to change something in your life. When multiple people act the same way around you, the problem is not as much their fault as it is yours. Change for the better, change and have a better life.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Foundations Episode 13
Recap: Feeling sorry for yourself, thinking about and complaining about your problems isn't going to help you improve your situation.
You have to get out there and focus on fixing your situation.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Foundations Episode 8
Recap:
No two people are at the same level of maturity upon first meeting, and no two people want the same things from a relationship. You have to build into those things.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Hurt People, Hurt People
This article has been rewritten in several podcasts (with summaries) on my other blog:
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Sunday, September 18, 2011
Hope for those waiting for someone
If you ever find yourself in the situation where you feel as though you have pursued all of the avenues in your life and they just aren’t cutting it for you, then the following advice can help you.
People are always changing. So are you. The level of maturity that these people are on when you first meet them might be too low or too high for you. That’s okay, over time, people grow up--yourself included. The things that you think you are looking for in a spouse right now might change later down the road as you learn a few more things about yourself and other people.
Perhaps you have been on the other end of this situation though? You see yourself being passed up by potential dates because of what in your mind must be that “you aren’t good enough”. Don’t worry! If you’re reading my blog then you’re probably doing just fine. If you are really attached to a specific person, but they aren’t attached to you right now, that doesn’t mean that as time passes and both of you change, that he or she won’t be attracted to you in the future.
But, I want to point something out, so that you don’t get confused by what I say: It isn’t good to wait around for someone to suddenly feel an attraction to you. As you wait, you pass up other people (who are just like you, waiting for YOU to feel attracted to THEM) and it would be a shame if they suddenly gave up hope because you never took an interest in them because you too were waiting on someone else.
Instead of waiting around for something to happen with that one special person, you should carry on with your life. Find OTHER people who you can date or make friends with, at the same time you can be friends with the person you really want to be with and continue building up a trusting relationship with them. Time has a way of working things out on its own after all.
Another important point that I want you to remember is that you are having a relationship whether you are dating or just friends—in other words, friendship is a special kind of relationship in itself. Relationships change just as people do; if you haven’t already, you will eventually realize that the boundaries of what defines a courting relationship and a friendship or even a casual date all blend together. They are the same, just at different levels of commitment.
Finally, don’t burn bridges. If for whatever reason your relationship heads south, or when you realize that the other person isn’t interested in you romantically, fight against your first reaction to get upset. When you get upset and you become antagonistic with them, you risk ruining ANY chance with that person. Like I mentioned in the beginning: people change. That means that there is always a slight hope that things can work out in the way that you want as long as you don't burn bridges with them. But you also have to realize that people have their own agency. They can choose to fall in love with you, or they can choose not to. If they never choose to love you, then as long as you didn’t burn bridges with them, you can always say that you put your best foot forward.
As you gain experience in the dating world, things tend to get better and better, but it also has a funny effect on a person to where they realize that a relationship can work with anyone. Any two people, well experienced with dating skills, can fall in love and maintain a superb relationship. In fact, most of those I have come across who have developed good relationship skills are less attracted to those who haven’t developed and refined their own relationship skills. In other words, people who want a good relationship, and know how to get it, realize that they don’t want to spend their time in poor relationships that they don’t have to. YOU can reach that same level. All it takes is to develop your relationship skills (--and you sure came to the right website to do that!)
Even if the person you are waiting around for doesn't turn out, you can gain the skills necessary to find (and woo) someone who really will give you the relationship that you ultimately want. Practice makes perfect; just be patient, things will work out.
Perhaps you have been on the other end of this situation though? You see yourself being passed up by potential dates because of what in your mind must be that “you aren’t good enough”. Don’t worry! If you’re reading my blog then you’re probably doing just fine. If you are really attached to a specific person, but they aren’t attached to you right now, that doesn’t mean that as time passes and both of you change, that he or she won’t be attracted to you in the future.
But, I want to point something out, so that you don’t get confused by what I say: It isn’t good to wait around for someone to suddenly feel an attraction to you. As you wait, you pass up other people (who are just like you, waiting for YOU to feel attracted to THEM) and it would be a shame if they suddenly gave up hope because you never took an interest in them because you too were waiting on someone else.
Instead of waiting around for something to happen with that one special person, you should carry on with your life. Find OTHER people who you can date or make friends with, at the same time you can be friends with the person you really want to be with and continue building up a trusting relationship with them. Time has a way of working things out on its own after all.
Another important point that I want you to remember is that you are having a relationship whether you are dating or just friends—in other words, friendship is a special kind of relationship in itself. Relationships change just as people do; if you haven’t already, you will eventually realize that the boundaries of what defines a courting relationship and a friendship or even a casual date all blend together. They are the same, just at different levels of commitment.
Finally, don’t burn bridges. If for whatever reason your relationship heads south, or when you realize that the other person isn’t interested in you romantically, fight against your first reaction to get upset. When you get upset and you become antagonistic with them, you risk ruining ANY chance with that person. Like I mentioned in the beginning: people change. That means that there is always a slight hope that things can work out in the way that you want as long as you don't burn bridges with them. But you also have to realize that people have their own agency. They can choose to fall in love with you, or they can choose not to. If they never choose to love you, then as long as you didn’t burn bridges with them, you can always say that you put your best foot forward.
As you gain experience in the dating world, things tend to get better and better, but it also has a funny effect on a person to where they realize that a relationship can work with anyone. Any two people, well experienced with dating skills, can fall in love and maintain a superb relationship. In fact, most of those I have come across who have developed good relationship skills are less attracted to those who haven’t developed and refined their own relationship skills. In other words, people who want a good relationship, and know how to get it, realize that they don’t want to spend their time in poor relationships that they don’t have to. YOU can reach that same level. All it takes is to develop your relationship skills (--and you sure came to the right website to do that!)
Even if the person you are waiting around for doesn't turn out, you can gain the skills necessary to find (and woo) someone who really will give you the relationship that you ultimately want. Practice makes perfect; just be patient, things will work out.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
50/50 Relationships
I stumbled across this question last week, and since I posted a regular article last week (it was the 3rd post of the month) I have decided to post a question for this week’s article, which is something I typically reserve for 5th Sundays.
To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.
He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?
--
I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).
Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.
I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.
This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.
Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.
To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.
He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?
--
I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).
Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.
I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.
This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.
Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
How to Act After Your Relationship Ends
Not all relationships end the way they should. Sometimes, people say or do hurtful things and it’s easy to be bitter or upset over whatever happened in your relationship. Some relationships leave you feeling awkward and unsure of how to interact with that individual once they are over. Do not be discouraged when this happens.
There is a mature and respectable way for you to behave after your relationship has ended. The following are suggestions on how you should behave. If you do these things, you can limit the awkwardness and get over the negative feelings that burden your mind.
Be optimistic - Reflect on the positive parts of your relationship, don’t be critical of the other person. Particularly, Do Not Gossip about them. There are three areas you should be optimistic about: 1) Be optimistic about yourself. Whether the relationship ended because of mistakes you made or not, try not to reflect on the problems too harshly. If you made a few mistakes, being optimistic means working to fix your problems. In most break ups, the blame can’t be easily pinned on one side or the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. 2) Be happy for the good things you experienced while in your relationship with the other person. Try not to blame the other person for everything. Again, in most break ups, the blame can’t be pinned on just one side. There are probably things that both of you can work on. When you talk to your friends about what transpired, try to paint the situation in a positive light and avoid sharing the faults of the other person. 3) Don’t blame society or the opposite sex in general for causing your relationship to end. Your ex is not an accurate representation of every man or woman in society. You need to look at people on an individual basis rather than grouping them all together. For more information about this read my last article.
Be forgiving - Don’t hold a grudge, even if something terrible happened to you. Grudges rarely hurt the other person more than they hurt yourself. The damage that you take from holding a grudge is often unseen to you but manifested to others. This can be psychological damage or even spiritual damage. Often times other people can recognize that you have not fully forgiven your ex; it puts off a bad aura or leaves them with a negative subconscious impression of you. Forgive everyone.
Redefine the Relationship - Just because that type of relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean that you can’t have another type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you can continue to have a relationship with the individual, just not in the same way as before. Redefine what type of relationship you would like to have with them and talk to them about it. By setting the right boundaries, you can continue to remain in contact with that individual and enjoy meaningful experiences with them.
Don’t hang on - If the relationship ended on no part of your own, or if you have regrets about ending the relationship, the worst thing for you to do is cling to the other person expecting them to suddenly change their mind and return again to you. When the relationship is ended, settle with that fact. Don’t try to force your way into their life. You can’t always redefine your relationship merely because you can’t control the other person. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to back off, leave them alone, and give them some space. Time apart has a funny effect on people; if there really is a chance for your relationship, the other person will recognize such after spending time on their own. Walk away, but leave the door open should they choose to return.
Don’t seek revenge - Breaking up brings out the worst emotions in people. Many people’s lives have been ruined when their ex intervened and did some terrible act of retaliation against them. There have been numerous extremes where the result of a breakup ended in murder, all because one side of the relationship lost control of their emotions. A big part of any break up is being able to forgive the other person; but if you are having a hard time forgiving them, at least try to catch yourself whenever you feel your emotions are running away with you. Do not do anything physically to get back at them; do not play games with them; and don’t meddle in their life. Also, make sure that your friends are under the same stance with your ex as you are so as to prevent them from doing things that are wrong, and to prevent them from encouraging you to do wrong.
Move on - Now that your relationship has ended, you are no longer tied down! Go find someone new. Although it is easy to say that you are just not interested in a relationship for the time being, you need to think about the long-term goals and plans that you set before entering into your previous relationship. If you were looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself and help you not feel lonely, then stick to your plan! If you wanted to get married back then and you started on an (1) attempt to do so, then what has really changed?—failure. You failed at this attempt and your failure has led you to fear. Failure, fear, and crushed dreams, can bring you down and prevent you from reaching your full potential. You need to look at what your life plans are and what you are trying to work towards and simply go do it. Don’t give up just because of one failed attempt, make the appropriate changes and try again.
Cease Contact - In some situations, the reason why you have negative feelings and can’t let go of the other person is because you remain in contact with them. Although it isn’t encouraged to go out of your way to avoid people, if it is your last resort, and it means the difference between losing control of yourself or having a serious breakdown, then do not remain in contact with the other person. When you find that redefining your relationship hasn’t worked and you still get in arguments, or when you allow the other person to remain in contact with you but feel as though they are merely leeching off of your life, you need to consider severing all ties with that individual. This can be tough and could cause you a lot of temporary emotional pain, but in some situations it is necessary. Use caution when you do this however, since it is hard to go back after you have done this.
There is a mature and respectable way for you to behave after your relationship has ended. The following are suggestions on how you should behave. If you do these things, you can limit the awkwardness and get over the negative feelings that burden your mind.
Be optimistic - Reflect on the positive parts of your relationship, don’t be critical of the other person. Particularly, Do Not Gossip about them. There are three areas you should be optimistic about: 1) Be optimistic about yourself. Whether the relationship ended because of mistakes you made or not, try not to reflect on the problems too harshly. If you made a few mistakes, being optimistic means working to fix your problems. In most break ups, the blame can’t be easily pinned on one side or the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. 2) Be happy for the good things you experienced while in your relationship with the other person. Try not to blame the other person for everything. Again, in most break ups, the blame can’t be pinned on just one side. There are probably things that both of you can work on. When you talk to your friends about what transpired, try to paint the situation in a positive light and avoid sharing the faults of the other person. 3) Don’t blame society or the opposite sex in general for causing your relationship to end. Your ex is not an accurate representation of every man or woman in society. You need to look at people on an individual basis rather than grouping them all together. For more information about this read my last article.
Be forgiving - Don’t hold a grudge, even if something terrible happened to you. Grudges rarely hurt the other person more than they hurt yourself. The damage that you take from holding a grudge is often unseen to you but manifested to others. This can be psychological damage or even spiritual damage. Often times other people can recognize that you have not fully forgiven your ex; it puts off a bad aura or leaves them with a negative subconscious impression of you. Forgive everyone.
Redefine the Relationship - Just because that type of relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean that you can’t have another type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you can continue to have a relationship with the individual, just not in the same way as before. Redefine what type of relationship you would like to have with them and talk to them about it. By setting the right boundaries, you can continue to remain in contact with that individual and enjoy meaningful experiences with them.
Don’t hang on - If the relationship ended on no part of your own, or if you have regrets about ending the relationship, the worst thing for you to do is cling to the other person expecting them to suddenly change their mind and return again to you. When the relationship is ended, settle with that fact. Don’t try to force your way into their life. You can’t always redefine your relationship merely because you can’t control the other person. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to back off, leave them alone, and give them some space. Time apart has a funny effect on people; if there really is a chance for your relationship, the other person will recognize such after spending time on their own. Walk away, but leave the door open should they choose to return.
Don’t seek revenge - Breaking up brings out the worst emotions in people. Many people’s lives have been ruined when their ex intervened and did some terrible act of retaliation against them. There have been numerous extremes where the result of a breakup ended in murder, all because one side of the relationship lost control of their emotions. A big part of any break up is being able to forgive the other person; but if you are having a hard time forgiving them, at least try to catch yourself whenever you feel your emotions are running away with you. Do not do anything physically to get back at them; do not play games with them; and don’t meddle in their life. Also, make sure that your friends are under the same stance with your ex as you are so as to prevent them from doing things that are wrong, and to prevent them from encouraging you to do wrong.
Move on - Now that your relationship has ended, you are no longer tied down! Go find someone new. Although it is easy to say that you are just not interested in a relationship for the time being, you need to think about the long-term goals and plans that you set before entering into your previous relationship. If you were looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself and help you not feel lonely, then stick to your plan! If you wanted to get married back then and you started on an (1) attempt to do so, then what has really changed?—failure. You failed at this attempt and your failure has led you to fear. Failure, fear, and crushed dreams, can bring you down and prevent you from reaching your full potential. You need to look at what your life plans are and what you are trying to work towards and simply go do it. Don’t give up just because of one failed attempt, make the appropriate changes and try again.
Cease Contact - In some situations, the reason why you have negative feelings and can’t let go of the other person is because you remain in contact with them. Although it isn’t encouraged to go out of your way to avoid people, if it is your last resort, and it means the difference between losing control of yourself or having a serious breakdown, then do not remain in contact with the other person. When you find that redefining your relationship hasn’t worked and you still get in arguments, or when you allow the other person to remain in contact with you but feel as though they are merely leeching off of your life, you need to consider severing all ties with that individual. This can be tough and could cause you a lot of temporary emotional pain, but in some situations it is necessary. Use caution when you do this however, since it is hard to go back after you have done this.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Years Resolutions
Happy New Years everyone!
I wanted to express the importance of new years resolutions, but my last article and my next post (this sunday) didn't allow for me to talk about realizing your dreams and setting goals to reach them.
New years, of course, is the holiday in which we reflect on everything we've done in the previous year and we set resolutions (or goals) to become better.
So while you're celebrating the new year, take some time to reflect on your dating life. I've provided a few thought provoking questions to help you:
Some of these questions can be really difficult and might be things you've never thought of before.
If after answering these questions you feel like there are a lot of things you could improve on, please consider my 8 week program. In the program I cover the basics that I feel everyone should know about dating.
I also really pump you up and get you motivated to succeed at learning this so that a few weeks after you've made your resolution you don't forget about it or give up trying.
Good luck with the new year!
I wanted to express the importance of new years resolutions, but my last article and my next post (this sunday) didn't allow for me to talk about realizing your dreams and setting goals to reach them.
New years, of course, is the holiday in which we reflect on everything we've done in the previous year and we set resolutions (or goals) to become better.
So while you're celebrating the new year, take some time to reflect on your dating life. I've provided a few thought provoking questions to help you:
- Do you feel like you've gone on enough dates this year, or would you have liked to have gone on more?
- Do you know of at least two people who you would like to pursue a better relationship with, or do you feel like there just isn't anyone who interests you at this time?
- If you are in a relationship right now, do you feel like the relationship is going at the proper speed, or would you like it to go faster?
- In 2011, will you be prepared to get married if someone popped the question, or are there things in your life that you need to work out before even considering marriage? If so, what are those things?
- Are you comfortable getting someone's number and asking them on a date, or do you have to work yourself up to that point?
- In 2010, did you feel adequate about pursuing a relationship with someone, or were there a few people you met who you felt were out of your class?
- Do you feel comfortable about yourself almost all of the time, or do you frequently feel like you aren't good enough?
- Do you feel like you've made a lot of progress in 2010, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually or is there something that is holding you back? Are you hold yourself back?
- What is your primary goal, pertaining to dating, in the next few months?
Some of these questions can be really difficult and might be things you've never thought of before.
If after answering these questions you feel like there are a lot of things you could improve on, please consider my 8 week program. In the program I cover the basics that I feel everyone should know about dating.
I also really pump you up and get you motivated to succeed at learning this so that a few weeks after you've made your resolution you don't forget about it or give up trying.
Good luck with the new year!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
How to Not Lose Hope of Having a Good Relationship
This article has been rewritten on my new blog: rdccoach.blogspot.com
Here are the new articles:
Here are the new articles:
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