Recap: You are responsible for how things turn out with your dating life. If you do not like how your relationships always end up, then you need to change something in your life. When multiple people act the same way around you, the problem is not as much their fault as it is yours. Change for the better, change and have a better life.
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Foundations: Episode 16
Recap: You are responsible for how things turn out with your dating life. If you do not like how your relationships always end up, then you need to change something in your life. When multiple people act the same way around you, the problem is not as much their fault as it is yours. Change for the better, change and have a better life.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Foundations Episode 9
Recap:
All relationships require work. You have to constantly put effort into a relationship in order for it to work out and progress. That means more time spent together, more sacrifice, and more effort on your part.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Foundations Episode 8
Recap:
No two people are at the same level of maturity upon first meeting, and no two people want the same things from a relationship. You have to build into those things.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
How comparing yourself to others affects your relationships
This week’s article is on a subject I feel everyone can relate to: Comparing ourselves to other people and how it relates to our relationships with others. I’m sure you have experienced it before, when your friend gets blessed with something in life and you feel like they don’t deserve it. Or you wish that you were as successful as someone else.--You wish you had a boyfriend/girlfriend like all of the other people your age.--You want to feel loved by another person and have those passionate feelings for someone else. But comparing yourself to other people is bad because it limits you from reaching YOUR potential.
Here, let me explain:
Everyone is different, everyone is unique. No two people experience the exact same life or go through the same ups and downs. Our lives are carefully guided by the creator who desires for us to reach our potential and continue learning and growing. You will experience specific situations that only YOU could grow from, and they will happen at a time when you need to learn those lessons the most. You may be given trials or hurdles that you need to overcome, or you may be given barriers that prevent you from advancing at the present time. But these things are for your benefit. And they may be things that others never have to experience, but guess what? –That’s the beauty of this life: Your life is YOUR life.
The relationships in your life can be severely affected by your perceived need to be equal to others around you. After all, you fill your sphere with people who are supposedly at the same level as you are, right? Not necessarily. You fill your life with people who may share commonalities in personality, and have similar interests, but that doesn’t mean that they are on the same level as you are. We’re talking about maturity. Even as an adult, you will find that not all adults are on the same level of maturity as you are. Again, this goes back to life experiences.
We are shaped in life by the situations we are put into. Imagine your most challenging experiences in life and picture what your life would be like if you didn’t have to go through them, would you be the same as you are today?
So how does all of this relate to comparing ourselves to others?
When you compare yourself to other people and feel as though you need to be doing the same things as they are, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, traveling the world, moving away from home, buying a house, going to school, etc. You set yourself up to miss the important aspects of having these things in order to 'measure up' to your peers. There is an old saying that illuminates this principle: “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” –Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is good, but merely having one to say you have one misses the point. Traveling the world can be fun and grand, but if all you do is go to the location, take a few pictures to brag about it later, and then return home unchanged, you have missed the mark on why traveling is so exciting. Moving away from home can grant you a lot of freedom, but it also comes with responsibilities and if you are not prepared for them you can get into a lot of trouble. –I think I have made myself clear: Just because others are doing it does not mean it is right for you.
The opposite can be true as well: just because others are NOT doing it, does not mean that it is right for you. When others are postponing marriage or choosing to not attend additional schooling, etc. you still need to decide for yourself what is right for you.
But how does all of this relate to having good relationships???
Good relationships are not an end result. In other words, you can’t merely arrive at a good relationship one day. Having a good relationship is a constant process, it is the “journey”. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you both need to be heading in the right direction—you need to be working towards the same things. If you are heading in one direction, and the other person is heading in the other, then you really aren’t going anywhere together—you’re just brushing paths occasionally!
Being specific: When you are out to have a relationship with someone just so that you can say that you are dating someone, and they agree to date you thinking in their mind that the two of you could have something special going on, then you both aren’t heading in the same direction. He or she is heading towards the settling down stage and you are heading towards impressing/pleasing those around you who wonder why you are not dating anyone.
Remember that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Just because your friends are getting married, or because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends, that does not mean that you are ready to do so. Maturity is crucial here.
Yes, you should be working towards getting married because it is as much a part of life as moving away from home is; but you should not get into a relationship just because other people are getting into them or merely because you want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, you should get into a relationship because you have found someone who you can spend eternity with.
Marriage isn’t a destination, just like a relationship isn’t a destination; it is a part of your journey through life. You will need the assistance of another individual in order to continue progressing, growing, and reaching new levels in life.—No one is meant to go alone through life, you will need someone to help you meet specific challenges head-on and overcome trials. This isn’t something you can simply “obtain” or “reach”, it is a continual process. In order to have a good relationship, you will need to continually nourish that relationship. Just like a plant cannot continue to grow and will likely die without your support in feeding it water and sunlight, in order to have a good relationship you need to continually nourish the relationship because without nourishment, it will fade away and die.
So next time you see your friends and peers doing things that you wish you could be doing and you start to compare yourself to them wishing desperately that you could have the things that they have, or do the things they do, just remember: they are at a different level than you are (they may even be at a lower level and you have grown passed such things), and they are on a different path than you are—you’re heading where you need to go, and they are heading where they need to go.
If you make the effort to look for it, you will find that there are plenty of the opposite sex heading in exactly the same direction as you are (progression wise), you just might need to take a side-quest or an alternate route in your journey in order to compensate for them so that you can continue your journey together.
Here, let me explain:
Everyone is different, everyone is unique. No two people experience the exact same life or go through the same ups and downs. Our lives are carefully guided by the creator who desires for us to reach our potential and continue learning and growing. You will experience specific situations that only YOU could grow from, and they will happen at a time when you need to learn those lessons the most. You may be given trials or hurdles that you need to overcome, or you may be given barriers that prevent you from advancing at the present time. But these things are for your benefit. And they may be things that others never have to experience, but guess what? –That’s the beauty of this life: Your life is YOUR life.
The relationships in your life can be severely affected by your perceived need to be equal to others around you. After all, you fill your sphere with people who are supposedly at the same level as you are, right? Not necessarily. You fill your life with people who may share commonalities in personality, and have similar interests, but that doesn’t mean that they are on the same level as you are. We’re talking about maturity. Even as an adult, you will find that not all adults are on the same level of maturity as you are. Again, this goes back to life experiences.
We are shaped in life by the situations we are put into. Imagine your most challenging experiences in life and picture what your life would be like if you didn’t have to go through them, would you be the same as you are today?
So how does all of this relate to comparing ourselves to others?
When you compare yourself to other people and feel as though you need to be doing the same things as they are, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, traveling the world, moving away from home, buying a house, going to school, etc. You set yourself up to miss the important aspects of having these things in order to 'measure up' to your peers. There is an old saying that illuminates this principle: “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” –Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is good, but merely having one to say you have one misses the point. Traveling the world can be fun and grand, but if all you do is go to the location, take a few pictures to brag about it later, and then return home unchanged, you have missed the mark on why traveling is so exciting. Moving away from home can grant you a lot of freedom, but it also comes with responsibilities and if you are not prepared for them you can get into a lot of trouble. –I think I have made myself clear: Just because others are doing it does not mean it is right for you.
The opposite can be true as well: just because others are NOT doing it, does not mean that it is right for you. When others are postponing marriage or choosing to not attend additional schooling, etc. you still need to decide for yourself what is right for you.
But how does all of this relate to having good relationships???
Good relationships are not an end result. In other words, you can’t merely arrive at a good relationship one day. Having a good relationship is a constant process, it is the “journey”. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you both need to be heading in the right direction—you need to be working towards the same things. If you are heading in one direction, and the other person is heading in the other, then you really aren’t going anywhere together—you’re just brushing paths occasionally!
Being specific: When you are out to have a relationship with someone just so that you can say that you are dating someone, and they agree to date you thinking in their mind that the two of you could have something special going on, then you both aren’t heading in the same direction. He or she is heading towards the settling down stage and you are heading towards impressing/pleasing those around you who wonder why you are not dating anyone.
Remember that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Just because your friends are getting married, or because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends, that does not mean that you are ready to do so. Maturity is crucial here.
Yes, you should be working towards getting married because it is as much a part of life as moving away from home is; but you should not get into a relationship just because other people are getting into them or merely because you want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, you should get into a relationship because you have found someone who you can spend eternity with.
Marriage isn’t a destination, just like a relationship isn’t a destination; it is a part of your journey through life. You will need the assistance of another individual in order to continue progressing, growing, and reaching new levels in life.—No one is meant to go alone through life, you will need someone to help you meet specific challenges head-on and overcome trials. This isn’t something you can simply “obtain” or “reach”, it is a continual process. In order to have a good relationship, you will need to continually nourish that relationship. Just like a plant cannot continue to grow and will likely die without your support in feeding it water and sunlight, in order to have a good relationship you need to continually nourish the relationship because without nourishment, it will fade away and die.
So next time you see your friends and peers doing things that you wish you could be doing and you start to compare yourself to them wishing desperately that you could have the things that they have, or do the things they do, just remember: they are at a different level than you are (they may even be at a lower level and you have grown passed such things), and they are on a different path than you are—you’re heading where you need to go, and they are heading where they need to go.
If you make the effort to look for it, you will find that there are plenty of the opposite sex heading in exactly the same direction as you are (progression wise), you just might need to take a side-quest or an alternate route in your journey in order to compensate for them so that you can continue your journey together.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Why Relationships Matter So Much
[Page 1 Page 2]
As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.
I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.
Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.
In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.
Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.
[Next Page]
As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.
I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.
Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.
In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.
Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.
[Next Page]
Sunday, February 20, 2011
How to Act After Your Relationship Ends
Not all relationships end the way they should. Sometimes, people say or do hurtful things and it’s easy to be bitter or upset over whatever happened in your relationship. Some relationships leave you feeling awkward and unsure of how to interact with that individual once they are over. Do not be discouraged when this happens.
There is a mature and respectable way for you to behave after your relationship has ended. The following are suggestions on how you should behave. If you do these things, you can limit the awkwardness and get over the negative feelings that burden your mind.
Be optimistic - Reflect on the positive parts of your relationship, don’t be critical of the other person. Particularly, Do Not Gossip about them. There are three areas you should be optimistic about: 1) Be optimistic about yourself. Whether the relationship ended because of mistakes you made or not, try not to reflect on the problems too harshly. If you made a few mistakes, being optimistic means working to fix your problems. In most break ups, the blame can’t be easily pinned on one side or the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. 2) Be happy for the good things you experienced while in your relationship with the other person. Try not to blame the other person for everything. Again, in most break ups, the blame can’t be pinned on just one side. There are probably things that both of you can work on. When you talk to your friends about what transpired, try to paint the situation in a positive light and avoid sharing the faults of the other person. 3) Don’t blame society or the opposite sex in general for causing your relationship to end. Your ex is not an accurate representation of every man or woman in society. You need to look at people on an individual basis rather than grouping them all together. For more information about this read my last article.
Be forgiving - Don’t hold a grudge, even if something terrible happened to you. Grudges rarely hurt the other person more than they hurt yourself. The damage that you take from holding a grudge is often unseen to you but manifested to others. This can be psychological damage or even spiritual damage. Often times other people can recognize that you have not fully forgiven your ex; it puts off a bad aura or leaves them with a negative subconscious impression of you. Forgive everyone.
Redefine the Relationship - Just because that type of relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean that you can’t have another type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you can continue to have a relationship with the individual, just not in the same way as before. Redefine what type of relationship you would like to have with them and talk to them about it. By setting the right boundaries, you can continue to remain in contact with that individual and enjoy meaningful experiences with them.
Don’t hang on - If the relationship ended on no part of your own, or if you have regrets about ending the relationship, the worst thing for you to do is cling to the other person expecting them to suddenly change their mind and return again to you. When the relationship is ended, settle with that fact. Don’t try to force your way into their life. You can’t always redefine your relationship merely because you can’t control the other person. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to back off, leave them alone, and give them some space. Time apart has a funny effect on people; if there really is a chance for your relationship, the other person will recognize such after spending time on their own. Walk away, but leave the door open should they choose to return.
Don’t seek revenge - Breaking up brings out the worst emotions in people. Many people’s lives have been ruined when their ex intervened and did some terrible act of retaliation against them. There have been numerous extremes where the result of a breakup ended in murder, all because one side of the relationship lost control of their emotions. A big part of any break up is being able to forgive the other person; but if you are having a hard time forgiving them, at least try to catch yourself whenever you feel your emotions are running away with you. Do not do anything physically to get back at them; do not play games with them; and don’t meddle in their life. Also, make sure that your friends are under the same stance with your ex as you are so as to prevent them from doing things that are wrong, and to prevent them from encouraging you to do wrong.
Move on - Now that your relationship has ended, you are no longer tied down! Go find someone new. Although it is easy to say that you are just not interested in a relationship for the time being, you need to think about the long-term goals and plans that you set before entering into your previous relationship. If you were looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself and help you not feel lonely, then stick to your plan! If you wanted to get married back then and you started on an (1) attempt to do so, then what has really changed?—failure. You failed at this attempt and your failure has led you to fear. Failure, fear, and crushed dreams, can bring you down and prevent you from reaching your full potential. You need to look at what your life plans are and what you are trying to work towards and simply go do it. Don’t give up just because of one failed attempt, make the appropriate changes and try again.
Cease Contact - In some situations, the reason why you have negative feelings and can’t let go of the other person is because you remain in contact with them. Although it isn’t encouraged to go out of your way to avoid people, if it is your last resort, and it means the difference between losing control of yourself or having a serious breakdown, then do not remain in contact with the other person. When you find that redefining your relationship hasn’t worked and you still get in arguments, or when you allow the other person to remain in contact with you but feel as though they are merely leeching off of your life, you need to consider severing all ties with that individual. This can be tough and could cause you a lot of temporary emotional pain, but in some situations it is necessary. Use caution when you do this however, since it is hard to go back after you have done this.
There is a mature and respectable way for you to behave after your relationship has ended. The following are suggestions on how you should behave. If you do these things, you can limit the awkwardness and get over the negative feelings that burden your mind.
Be optimistic - Reflect on the positive parts of your relationship, don’t be critical of the other person. Particularly, Do Not Gossip about them. There are three areas you should be optimistic about: 1) Be optimistic about yourself. Whether the relationship ended because of mistakes you made or not, try not to reflect on the problems too harshly. If you made a few mistakes, being optimistic means working to fix your problems. In most break ups, the blame can’t be easily pinned on one side or the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. 2) Be happy for the good things you experienced while in your relationship with the other person. Try not to blame the other person for everything. Again, in most break ups, the blame can’t be pinned on just one side. There are probably things that both of you can work on. When you talk to your friends about what transpired, try to paint the situation in a positive light and avoid sharing the faults of the other person. 3) Don’t blame society or the opposite sex in general for causing your relationship to end. Your ex is not an accurate representation of every man or woman in society. You need to look at people on an individual basis rather than grouping them all together. For more information about this read my last article.
Be forgiving - Don’t hold a grudge, even if something terrible happened to you. Grudges rarely hurt the other person more than they hurt yourself. The damage that you take from holding a grudge is often unseen to you but manifested to others. This can be psychological damage or even spiritual damage. Often times other people can recognize that you have not fully forgiven your ex; it puts off a bad aura or leaves them with a negative subconscious impression of you. Forgive everyone.
Redefine the Relationship - Just because that type of relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean that you can’t have another type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you can continue to have a relationship with the individual, just not in the same way as before. Redefine what type of relationship you would like to have with them and talk to them about it. By setting the right boundaries, you can continue to remain in contact with that individual and enjoy meaningful experiences with them.
Don’t hang on - If the relationship ended on no part of your own, or if you have regrets about ending the relationship, the worst thing for you to do is cling to the other person expecting them to suddenly change their mind and return again to you. When the relationship is ended, settle with that fact. Don’t try to force your way into their life. You can’t always redefine your relationship merely because you can’t control the other person. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to back off, leave them alone, and give them some space. Time apart has a funny effect on people; if there really is a chance for your relationship, the other person will recognize such after spending time on their own. Walk away, but leave the door open should they choose to return.
Don’t seek revenge - Breaking up brings out the worst emotions in people. Many people’s lives have been ruined when their ex intervened and did some terrible act of retaliation against them. There have been numerous extremes where the result of a breakup ended in murder, all because one side of the relationship lost control of their emotions. A big part of any break up is being able to forgive the other person; but if you are having a hard time forgiving them, at least try to catch yourself whenever you feel your emotions are running away with you. Do not do anything physically to get back at them; do not play games with them; and don’t meddle in their life. Also, make sure that your friends are under the same stance with your ex as you are so as to prevent them from doing things that are wrong, and to prevent them from encouraging you to do wrong.
Move on - Now that your relationship has ended, you are no longer tied down! Go find someone new. Although it is easy to say that you are just not interested in a relationship for the time being, you need to think about the long-term goals and plans that you set before entering into your previous relationship. If you were looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself and help you not feel lonely, then stick to your plan! If you wanted to get married back then and you started on an (1) attempt to do so, then what has really changed?—failure. You failed at this attempt and your failure has led you to fear. Failure, fear, and crushed dreams, can bring you down and prevent you from reaching your full potential. You need to look at what your life plans are and what you are trying to work towards and simply go do it. Don’t give up just because of one failed attempt, make the appropriate changes and try again.
Cease Contact - In some situations, the reason why you have negative feelings and can’t let go of the other person is because you remain in contact with them. Although it isn’t encouraged to go out of your way to avoid people, if it is your last resort, and it means the difference between losing control of yourself or having a serious breakdown, then do not remain in contact with the other person. When you find that redefining your relationship hasn’t worked and you still get in arguments, or when you allow the other person to remain in contact with you but feel as though they are merely leeching off of your life, you need to consider severing all ties with that individual. This can be tough and could cause you a lot of temporary emotional pain, but in some situations it is necessary. Use caution when you do this however, since it is hard to go back after you have done this.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
How to not waste time and simply advance with good relationships
In October I wrote an article that I wanted to expand on: ”Don’t Give Up, Relationships Take Time”
As is evident by the title, relationships take time to develop. How do you equate time into a relationship?
There are essentially two types of relationships: short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
In a short-term relationship, it is expected by one or both parties that the two individuals will not be sticking around over time. That means that either they will be moving away or they don’t necessarily care about remaining in contact.
Certain businesses maintain short-term relationships in which the sale is for a one-time purchase, such as a real estate agent. They remain in close contact with you until they sell your property and then they leave after getting paid. Or perhaps you’ve worked on a group project before but you had no desire to remain in contact with the rest of your group after the project was finished.—Both are examples of respectable short-term relationships.
Long-term relationships are relationships that are intended to last forever—although that isn’t always the case. There are many things that can cause a long-term relationship to end; one big cause of a dead relationship is the lack of time or effort devoted to it. In order to maintain a long-term relationship, you will need to constantly devote time and energy to the other person. When you fail to contribute time to the relationship, instead of being a long-term relationship, it will end unintentionally premature, or merely as a short-term relationship.
There are essentially three states to every long and short relationship: dead, alive, and doing great! Dead relationships are non-existent; they’re in a state similar to those that you don’t have relationships with. Relationships that are alive are barely better than the ones that are dead. You might have a reasonable reason for this, such as the geographic distance, but in essence, just because a relationship is alive doesn’t mean you can necessarily rely on that individual to be around when you need them. Relationships that are “doing great” are the best kinds of relationships; they are close enough to you that you can count on them and you trust them—but they also take the most time and devotion. The relationships that you enjoy the most are the ones that are “doing great” and the ones that you have problems with frequently are the ones that are just “alive”.
Again: Relationships take constant time and nurturing to stay alive.
Back to the initial question posed at the beginning of this article, “How do you equate time into a relationship?” The following are a few good ideas to keep your relationships alive, to resuscitate a dead relationship, and to jolt your current relationships to make them better:
Last of all, the best tactic you can use to keep your relationships alive and growing closer together with the rest of them is to be thankful. Watch for opportunities to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them. No one has an unlimited amount of time to devote to all the people they care about, but expressing thanks can go a long way for the time that you can’t spend together.
If you want to have friends or if you want to have a relationship with someone, whether it’s with your family or some guy or girl you like, you will need to devote time to the relationship if you want it to succeed, and if you want a better relationship with someone, just try any of the above.
As is evident by the title, relationships take time to develop. How do you equate time into a relationship?
There are essentially two types of relationships: short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
In a short-term relationship, it is expected by one or both parties that the two individuals will not be sticking around over time. That means that either they will be moving away or they don’t necessarily care about remaining in contact.
Certain businesses maintain short-term relationships in which the sale is for a one-time purchase, such as a real estate agent. They remain in close contact with you until they sell your property and then they leave after getting paid. Or perhaps you’ve worked on a group project before but you had no desire to remain in contact with the rest of your group after the project was finished.—Both are examples of respectable short-term relationships.
Long-term relationships are relationships that are intended to last forever—although that isn’t always the case. There are many things that can cause a long-term relationship to end; one big cause of a dead relationship is the lack of time or effort devoted to it. In order to maintain a long-term relationship, you will need to constantly devote time and energy to the other person. When you fail to contribute time to the relationship, instead of being a long-term relationship, it will end unintentionally premature, or merely as a short-term relationship.
There are essentially three states to every long and short relationship: dead, alive, and doing great! Dead relationships are non-existent; they’re in a state similar to those that you don’t have relationships with. Relationships that are alive are barely better than the ones that are dead. You might have a reasonable reason for this, such as the geographic distance, but in essence, just because a relationship is alive doesn’t mean you can necessarily rely on that individual to be around when you need them. Relationships that are “doing great” are the best kinds of relationships; they are close enough to you that you can count on them and you trust them—but they also take the most time and devotion. The relationships that you enjoy the most are the ones that are “doing great” and the ones that you have problems with frequently are the ones that are just “alive”.
Again: Relationships take constant time and nurturing to stay alive.
Back to the initial question posed at the beginning of this article, “How do you equate time into a relationship?” The following are a few good ideas to keep your relationships alive, to resuscitate a dead relationship, and to jolt your current relationships to make them better:
- An email or other message
- Electronic messages are casual ways to stay in contact with people. If you haven’t talked to someone in a while that you would like to, sending a brief message lets them know that they are on your mind.
- A text message
- Try sending a brief text message to start up a conversation with an old friend. If they don’t have time to talk, or they don’t feel like talking to you then you won’t intrude on them or make matters worse when they don’t respond back.
- A thoughtful card or letter
- With the holidays happening this month, now is an excellent time to send a card to your old friends or romantic interests. This is a non-intrusive way to revive old friendships or to keep them alive.
- A phone call
- Phone calls are one of the easiest ways to boost your current relationships. They can also keep relationships alive that are barely afloat. However, you should be cautious about making phone calls during times that the other person is busy. Making too many phone calls can also become annoying or burdensome on the other person.
- A date
- Depending on circumstances, asking someone on a date can really boost your standing with them. Surprisingly, most people are not asked on dates as frequently as they would like. Be careful with this as not everyone will want to go on a date with you when you first ask them. Simply put, if you continually find yourself asking a specific person on a date and he or she turns you down, there is a significant likelihood that he or she doesn’t want to go on a date with you.
- A trip/vacation together
- Later on in a relationship, it is appropriate for you to go on a trip with the other person (camping trip, road trip, cruise, etc.). This is a good time to bond because of how lengthy it is; however, it also takes a lot of commitment. You might be able to convince an old friend of yours who you haven’t seen in ages to come with you on a cruise or getaway, but don’t get your hopes up about going on a trip with someone who your relationship with is completely dead. (though you might luck out at the prospect of paying for their way. If you do try something like this, you will need to watch out for freeloaders, as they usually aren’t that fun to have a relationship with.)
Last of all, the best tactic you can use to keep your relationships alive and growing closer together with the rest of them is to be thankful. Watch for opportunities to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them. No one has an unlimited amount of time to devote to all the people they care about, but expressing thanks can go a long way for the time that you can’t spend together.
If you want to have friends or if you want to have a relationship with someone, whether it’s with your family or some guy or girl you like, you will need to devote time to the relationship if you want it to succeed, and if you want a better relationship with someone, just try any of the above.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What to do When You Have a Broken Heart
At least once in your lifetime, you will likely experience what it feels like to have your heart broken. It is the feeling of emotional pain after losing something that you are attached to. Perhaps you have asked yourself these questions after the experience:
It is okay to feel this kind of emotional pain; you feel heart broken when you get attached to someone and you realize that you cannot be with them anymore. It can happen when someone close to you dies, moves away, or breaks up with you; and it can even happen when you are rejected by someone you like.
When you are heart broken, you might feel like it would be hard for you to go back to caring about someone else—that somehow the pain you feel now will never be replaced, and that it’s just not worth it to find someone else to get attached to. However, there is hope. You will get over them, you will move on and eventually everything will work out.
But before things will heal and before the pain goes away, you need to change a few things in your life. Many people, when they get into this situation, spend their time sulking around. -–This is not good for you. You should avoid anything that makes you feel “comfortable” with your present situation. This includes depressing or angry music or support groups that merely amount to criticizing the other person. Instead, you should do things that are positive, listen to good music, do things that will make you happy, and stop analyzing the situation. Try spending more time with your friends or going out to meet new people.
Having a broken heart, such as this, is just one of many of the experiences you will have to face in life. You will learn many things each time that it happens to you. Having your heart broken helps you to learn to be less selfish, it helps you to appreciate those people who are already a part of your life, and it helps you to better appreciate the person who you will eventually spend eternity with. Just like any other trial, God allows this to happen for your own good; but also like any other trial, He will help you through it if you turn to Him.
Simply put, there isn’t any one way to avoid getting heart broken in the future. You will have your up periods and your down times regardless of what you do. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.
If it happens to you frequently, you might feel frustrated enough that you would want to give up all together. You could develop a fear of getting hurt and that fear could lead you to also fear taking risks. But, you cannot go through life without taking risks. Everyone is afraid of taking risks, most people are afraid of failure, but who is the author of fear and doubt? Who wants you to fail in life? --Satan does. God wants you to succeed! He wants you to be happy, and he wants you to not only find the things that will bring you joy in life, but to also hold onto them. What more would Heavenly Father want for you then to get married in His holy house?
You essentially have the three most powerful people in universe on your side The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, you cannot fail.
Let me put things into perspective: Why do we risk embarrassment when we ask her for her number? Why do we take the risk of being rejected when we are asking a guy on a date? Why do we risk telling her how we feel about her even though she might not feel the same way? Why do we spend so much time with him instead of doing other things that will aid us in the future? Why do we risk being turned down when we propose to her? -–Simply put, because it is worth it. When you do these things, you at least have the chance of great things happening, but when you do none of them-—if you take a passenger’s seat ride through life—-you have no chance of great things happening for you.
You cannot go through life expecting good things to happen for you when you have done nothing to make them happen. This is a fairy-tale/fantasy mindset. In the real world, people are blessed based on what they work for and the kinds of risks that they take; the greater the risk, the greater the blessing. The harder you work for success with the risks you take, the more likely they will work in your favor. The same is true when it comes to dating.--If you truly want to get married some day so that you don't spend your life alone, then you need to take those scary, and often heart-breaking, risks and hope for the best. You never know how well things will turn out until you try for them.
And if this doesn't seem to help you, your parents, your bishop, your stake president, all of the prophets, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have all promised you that getting married in the temple will be worth it. There should be no doubt in your mind as to whether this is true. So the next time that you are about to take some form of risk that is a step towards a temple marriage, whether it is flirting with the guy around the corner or asking a girl on a date, remember that it will be incredibly worth it in the end; and the Lord will be on your side to help you succeed.
- Why do I feel this way?
- It hurts so bad that I wonder, is it really worth it?
- What can I do to avoid getting hurt in the future?
- How do I get over losing him or her?
It is okay to feel this kind of emotional pain; you feel heart broken when you get attached to someone and you realize that you cannot be with them anymore. It can happen when someone close to you dies, moves away, or breaks up with you; and it can even happen when you are rejected by someone you like.
When you are heart broken, you might feel like it would be hard for you to go back to caring about someone else—that somehow the pain you feel now will never be replaced, and that it’s just not worth it to find someone else to get attached to. However, there is hope. You will get over them, you will move on and eventually everything will work out.
But before things will heal and before the pain goes away, you need to change a few things in your life. Many people, when they get into this situation, spend their time sulking around. -–This is not good for you. You should avoid anything that makes you feel “comfortable” with your present situation. This includes depressing or angry music or support groups that merely amount to criticizing the other person. Instead, you should do things that are positive, listen to good music, do things that will make you happy, and stop analyzing the situation. Try spending more time with your friends or going out to meet new people.
Having a broken heart, such as this, is just one of many of the experiences you will have to face in life. You will learn many things each time that it happens to you. Having your heart broken helps you to learn to be less selfish, it helps you to appreciate those people who are already a part of your life, and it helps you to better appreciate the person who you will eventually spend eternity with. Just like any other trial, God allows this to happen for your own good; but also like any other trial, He will help you through it if you turn to Him.
Simply put, there isn’t any one way to avoid getting heart broken in the future. You will have your up periods and your down times regardless of what you do. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.
If it happens to you frequently, you might feel frustrated enough that you would want to give up all together. You could develop a fear of getting hurt and that fear could lead you to also fear taking risks. But, you cannot go through life without taking risks. Everyone is afraid of taking risks, most people are afraid of failure, but who is the author of fear and doubt? Who wants you to fail in life? --Satan does. God wants you to succeed! He wants you to be happy, and he wants you to not only find the things that will bring you joy in life, but to also hold onto them. What more would Heavenly Father want for you then to get married in His holy house?
You essentially have the three most powerful people in universe on your side The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, you cannot fail.
Let me put things into perspective: Why do we risk embarrassment when we ask her for her number? Why do we take the risk of being rejected when we are asking a guy on a date? Why do we risk telling her how we feel about her even though she might not feel the same way? Why do we spend so much time with him instead of doing other things that will aid us in the future? Why do we risk being turned down when we propose to her? -–Simply put, because it is worth it. When you do these things, you at least have the chance of great things happening, but when you do none of them-—if you take a passenger’s seat ride through life—-you have no chance of great things happening for you.
You cannot go through life expecting good things to happen for you when you have done nothing to make them happen. This is a fairy-tale/fantasy mindset. In the real world, people are blessed based on what they work for and the kinds of risks that they take; the greater the risk, the greater the blessing. The harder you work for success with the risks you take, the more likely they will work in your favor. The same is true when it comes to dating.--If you truly want to get married some day so that you don't spend your life alone, then you need to take those scary, and often heart-breaking, risks and hope for the best. You never know how well things will turn out until you try for them.
And if this doesn't seem to help you, your parents, your bishop, your stake president, all of the prophets, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have all promised you that getting married in the temple will be worth it. There should be no doubt in your mind as to whether this is true. So the next time that you are about to take some form of risk that is a step towards a temple marriage, whether it is flirting with the guy around the corner or asking a girl on a date, remember that it will be incredibly worth it in the end; and the Lord will be on your side to help you succeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)