The Problems of Hanging Out and Other Dating Habits

I’m posting this article out of the normal cycle because it’s actually a revision of an article I wrote many months ago (I’ve removed it from the blog). I will still be posting a new article on schedule for the first Sunday of the month.
Not much has changed in this article compared to the previous one, but I felt like I needed to clarify the points and explain them in a better way.

The Problems of Hanging Out and Other Dating Habits
This article is based largely off of the comments by Elder Oaks in the June 2006 Ensign “Dating versus Hanging Out”
Essentially, the prophets have expressed to young single adults that they need to devote more attention to the proper dating methods and to cease relying on poor dating habits that are developments of modern society.
A few prominent modern habits include:

Hanging out

Spending time with a group of people, male and female, merely to be entertained, have fun, or relax. This could simply be partying together, or an unexpected, casual invitation to spend time together.

Group Dating

When four or more individuals go on a date together.

Emphasizing “Friends First”

When your primary strategy for finding an eternal companion consists of making friends first and after a lengthy period of time as friends deciding if you want to date them or not; or, in other words, not making the decision that you want to date an individual early on.

Prioritizing Career over Family

Choosing to postpone dating or starting a family in order to pursue a challenging career

Relying on Others for Marriage

Counting on your bishop, stake president, family, or friends to line you up with someone to marry.

Waiting to be Loved

Choosing to postpone dating because you are expecting to find someone who will love you right off the bad, or someone who you instantly connect with.

Although there are a few pros to engaging in the above behavior, there are also a lot more cons, which is why the prophets have discouraged them in the past. Below are some explanations of the problems with having these habits:
Hanging Out - One big problem with hanging out is that it gets you into a subconscious habit of assuming that the people you are hanging out with are merely there to entertain you. Your mind makes a connection with those individuals that there is an expectation for them to make life fun for you. Later down the road they stop being entertaining and you lose interest in them. The real issue occurs when you rely on hanging out to build a long-term relationship. –it is nearly impossible to get to know someone when you have only seen the side of them that is entertaining. How do you discuss life goals or express your feelings while you are “having fun”?
Group Dating - When you are in a group of people, you tend to act differently than you do when you are spending one-on-one time with someone. The same is true with your date. If the only dates you go on are with a group of people, you are failing to truly get to know the people you date. The reason this is a bad habit is that it is better to have a habit of simply asking people on single dates. Single dating is highly encouraged.
Emphasizing “Friends First” - Having a policy of being friends first then deciding if you want to date them has the same effect as hanging out. You get in a subconscious habit of associating that individual with being a friend and you lose interest in them as anything more. Later on, when it comes time to start dating your friends, things are “awkward” (because of your established psychological associations). You are better off separating friends from love interests.
Prioritizing Career Over Family - Claiming that you want to get started on your career or finish your schooling is a false excuse. You will always be able to find an excuse for why now isn’t a good time to date or to get married and start a family; and just like any other excuse, it is merely a poor reason for why you are not taking risks or doing the things you know you should.—You will always have financial problems or be “too busy”—excuses never fly when it comes to important things.







Relying on Others for Marriage - No one knows your likes and dislikes better than yourself and no one is as invested in you as you are. It is your responsibility to get married and no one else’s. Therefore, you are not only the best person, but you should be the only person making an effort at getting yourself married.
Waiting to be Loved: - Very few people are easy to fall in love with. Chances are that you are not one of them. Love is a two-way street, so if you want to be loved you need to love as well. You will need to woo someone into loving you as much as they will need to woo you. You can’t expect things to happen for you if you don’t put forth an effort.
Dating requires taking risks; imagine it as being an investment. You put various things on the line (emotions, time, finances, etc.) and hope that they will give you a beneficial return. If you burry your investment or spend it on other things, you will never have any kind of return.
Life is hard, don’t get discouraged.
You will need to set goals and make plans in order to see the desired outcomes you would like.
You need to be the right person for the right person if you are going to get married.
You can change, and if things aren’t working out for you the way that they are now, then you need to change.
Sometimes it merely comes down to having the motivation and the courage to make things happen for yourself.

And if you need a little help, Dating Zion is now offering Dating Coaching to people living in Logan, UT. Check it out!
And if you’d like more information, be sure to request a pamphlet by emailing consultdz@live.com.

The Most Important skill in Marrige

Marriage is a relationship in which a man and woman mutually benefit from one another, support one another, take care of one another, and allow an environment in which children can be brought into this world. Selflessness is crucial to this; you will be required to do many things that have no immediate benefit to you, and are entirely for your spouse or children. Love is a selfless regard for other people, and it is essential in a marriage relationship.

Postponing marriage because of your desire to get an education or to get on your career path can be a negative thing. Although such pursuits are good for you and will truly help you and your family when you choose to start one, they can also hold you back from greater blessings when you choose to prioritize them over other things, and when they permit you to develop bad habits. The important thing is that you do not want to develop selfish habits because you are on your own, you want to develop selfless habits regardless of your situation.

The way you choose to be today will be the way you become ten years down the road. Numerous studies have shown that unless you make a conscious effort to change your behavior, any habits that you have now will stick with you for the rest of your life—you don’t change without conscious effort. The easiest way to become less selfish is to start today following the golden rule: treat other people the way you want to be treated.

Many previous articles have covered the basics of setting goals and preparing yourself to be accepted by your dream spouse.—Do not stray from those things that you want; strive to develop a relationship with someone who has the potential to become the kind of spouse that you would like them to be and that they would like to be themselves. Again, follow the golden rule, if you want to find a husband or wife who is selfless, loves you, and cares about you, you will have to do the same for them.

Being selfish can mean valuing yourself above other people, but it can also mean taking actions that control or manipulate others. Love and lust are not games to be played with. As I have mentioned in other articles, your relationships are agreements of trust in some form or another. It is morally unethical and completely selfish for you to feign feelings in order to gain that trust. Just as it is inappropriate for a government official to misuse the power trusted in them; it is inappropriate for you to misuse the things others trust you with (especially if they are entrusting you with their emotions).









Everything that action you take sends a message of some form to other people either through body language and verbal language. Make sure that you are sending the right message to those around you. Sometimes it can be hard to keep track of all the impressions you are giving other people. Sometimes you might not even notice that you are conveying messages to them through your actions and words but when you do notice things that were unintended, you should be sure to correct them before they turn into big problems. Or, when you notice that there are frequent misunderstandings in your relationship, you should evaluate whether what you are doing might be sending the wrong message.

You should be especially cautious of sexual attraction and the chemistry. When you kiss someone, stare into their eyes attentively, wink at them, hug them, hold their hand, rub up against them, or engage in any other physical behavior, you are playing with chemistry and are sending a specific message to that person that you like them. When you spend excessive amounts of time with them, call or text them frequently, or lead them to believe that you are interested in them in any way, you are also sending a similar message to them. Although, there is nothing wrong with leading a person on*, it becomes wrong when you don’t really intend to follow through with the signs that you are giving them. It is selfish to lead someone on and bring them in, only to reject them later; but if you make your intentions clear, you will not find it difficult to develop the kinds of relationships that you are really after.

Being selfish also includes being bitter. Spite and revenge isn’t good for anyone. It often harms you as much or more than it hurts other people. Learn to forgive other people and let go of the bad things you are clutching onto. Don’t be that guy or that girl who holds grudges and does vile things.

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*I use the term “leading someone on” to imply that you are leading them to believe a certain thing based on your actions and words. I.E. you are controlling the message you are sending them