Know Yourself

What more can I say about this topic: You need to BE the right person, FOR the right person?

I wrote this article (the one you are reading) several times and haven’t been satisfied with the way it turned out, and I have deleted it and started over again. It is a relatively short article because I feel like I have said the same information many times, in many different ways. Yet, based on comments and questions that I receive from a few of you, you don’t quite have it figured out what I am saying. So this time, I am going to write it a little differently from anything else you have read of mine. I want you to say yes or no to each of these questions. If you say yes, read the next one. If you say no, feel free to comment below and ask me to clarify the question:

Successful relationships are ones that last?
No relationship is without ups and downs, good times, bad times, arguments and tender moments?
If I want my relationship to last, I need to learn how to make it through the hard times and enjoy the good times?
In order to survive the hard times, I may need to give up personal opinions, personal possessions, or personal comfort so that my partner’s feelings aren’t hurt beyond repair, he or she is given more than the bare minimum to survive, and he or she doesn’t leave me?
There are things I may need to do in order to enjoy, appreciate, and reach the good times?
If I put effort into forming a relationship, I want it to last?
My time in life is limited—I will die some day?
I will eventually have to leave my loved ones, or they will leave me at their death, whether temporarily or permanently?
I want to make the most out of my relationships in this life: Either because I know they will continue after I die, or because I know that my time is limited and I want them to be the best that they can be?
I know that I am not perfect, and that I have flaws?
I am trying to figure out the flaws that I don’t recognize?
I am working on correcting the flaws that I know about?
I understand that other people have flaws as well?
Those flaws are probably different from my flaws?
I would be willing to put up with another person’s flaws if they would put up with my own?
I would even help them overcome their problems if they would simply be patient with my own?
I have a general understanding of what I want to do with my life, these are my dreams?
I am trying to realize (or figure out) what I will need to do in order to make these dreams come true in my life?
Certain of my dreams are more important than other dreams--I could prioritize them and rank their importance?
Having a successful relationship is one of my top three dreams?
I am willing to give up less important dreams in order to accomplish more important dreams, or dreams that have greater priority?
I am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my top three dreams in this life?
I am really willing to make sacrifices if I could only accomplish my top three dreams?
I realize now, that if I want to accomplish my top three dreams, my future spouse will also have to play a role in those dreams; he or she will be involved?
I will only be able to marry someone who is comfortable with my dreams, encouraging of my dreams, and equally willing to sacrifice for my dreams?
I realize that I will also have to be comfortable with his or her dreams, encourage him or her to accomplish their dreams, and I am also willing to make sacrifices to do so?
I am willing to prioritize his or her goals above my own as long as he or she helps me to accomplish my goals as well?
If we accomplish both of our dreams, I am willing to set more dreams with him or her?
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OK, that’s enough questions. If you made it this far, you probably have a good sense of what I am referring to by “Knowing yourself”. It is one part of “BEING the right person”. You want your relationships to last, but to do so, YOU need to do things. YOU need to know who you are, what you are willing to give, and you need to look beyond yourself, because that’s really what a relationship is: when two or more people agree to share the burdens life places on them and share the glory and blessings that life grants them.
No two people are equal or the same either, which means that some people will have faults and shortcomings that can only be fulfilled by another person’s strengths. That means though, that some people have to work harder than others in order for things to balance out.
The whole reason why we seek out relationships with people (friends, communities, husbands and wives etc.) is because we simply can’t do it all by ourselves. You weren't designed to do everything on your own. Not only is this a learning experience that will help you to grow (and therefore has it's benefits); but, if we were all fully capable of doing everything, we wouldn’t need anyone and we would interfere and cause problems with everyone else (or in other words, the lack thereof could be negative). -–you are not living on an island, you don’t have your own planet secluded from everyone else, and your resources are always limited, but you will always have an abundance of people around you. Learning how we fit into this big puzzle called "life" is one reason why we are here on this earth: essentially, we need to learn how to get along with those around us, and especially those who are closest to us.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are, how you fit into life, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your chief goals are, or what you want to accomplish in this life, and knowing just how much you are willing to sacrifice for your goals. I specifically mentioned that having a successful relationship should be one of your top three goals. I am referring to a marriage relationship and that it should be one of your most, if not your most important goal out of this life.
I don’t think most people realize though, that relationships require “give and take”. You may not realize that you take things when you have a relationship, but everyone does. Or you may realize it, but at the same time not be willing to give things to have a relationship. If that is your case, then you will have a hard time in a relationship that is so one sided. Knowing yourself means where you draw the line on what you give and what you take, or put another way: knowing yourself means knowing what you will HAVE TO sacrifice in order to have a good relationship.

You don't have to play "The Game"

I have received a few questions about this recently, so I feel like for this fifth Sunday post, I will address this topic. Typically people will ask me something about how they are performing when playing “the game” and why they aren’t “winning” the game, why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are so skilled at having fun times with other people. Let me first make a statement that I think you will grow to appreciate: “Playing games is for kids” and when you’re an adult, you don’t play the same games as you did when you were younger.

What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.

If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.

“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.

With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.

So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.

1. Real Relationships are Honest –You can’t lie about yourself, your talents, or your situation or when he or she starts to question you, these things will be brought up, and he or she won’t trust you, will re-decide and will probably determine that they don’t like you, and he or she may not want to marry you. If you’re poor, don’t say you’re rich. If you’re not good at something, don’t say that you are. If you don’t like pets, and he or she does, don’t tell him or her that you like them, and don’t do the same with kids. How could you ever expect to plan your lives together if he or she doesn’t know what your life is really like?
   Also, when you can be honest, you can tell the other person that you like them and have no worries about them trusting you. A pattern of honesty is worth more than an action of statement—you can show someone you love them better by being honest with them and telling them that you love them, rather than buying them flowers or gifts and being dishonest on occasion.
2. Real Relationships Balance Flirting. –When you flirt too much and don’t have ‘serious time’, your relationship can’t progress. You need to have serious moments now and again where you have the time to talk about making life plans together. Relationships are not fun and “games”. They have exciting times, sure, but they are primarily serious. Don’t think of relationships as hobbies or things you do for entertainment, going out to meet people, although fun, still needs to lead to a serious relationship. This is precisely why I have always discouraged short-term relationships: they do not teach you how to have lasting, serious relationships.
3. Real Relationships are Prepared to Advance -- When you get married, what are your plans? When you begin to court someone, where would you like it to lead? When you date someone, do you plan on eventually having a long-term relationship with them, or a short-term relationship? When you go out looking for guys or girls to hit on, are you doing it for fun, or are you doing it because you want a relationship? Before you take any interest in dating someone, you should be comfortable with what comes next: a relationship. And when you enter into a relationship, you should be comfortable with what comes next: an exclusive relationship/courting. These things lead up to each other, and if you have no intentions of advancing into the next area or you are incapable of doing so (maybe you aren’t ready for commitment, or you have other things you need to work out), then you will not be able to progress, and you shouldn’t attempt to until you are ready. That is called "leading people on".
   If you are in a relationship, it will reach a standstill, if you are dating people, none of them will develop into courtships, or if you hit on someone it won’t ever reach the next stage: a date. Start by preparing yourself and everything else will fall into place.
4. Real relationships are not political-—I could not think of a better way to put this. There aren’t any politics behind real relationships. You don’t need to make the other person feel like you are their best chance in life because you are in high demand and all the boys or girls want you (reread #2). You don’t need to prove anything to him or her that you are the perfect match (reread #1). You don’t need to use spite against them when they decide not to advance with you; if your relationship ends, or you stop dating, or you don’t even get a first date, who cares? Trying to get back at them will not help you, in fact it will only hurt them and…“what goes around comes around”—You will get hurt more than anything you could do to them. You do not need to one-up them, or score on them to get more points than they do. Dating is not a game!
   
   It is when two mature individuals decide to work out their differences that they decide to get married. If marriage is your goal, then you should stop acting like dating is just a fun thing you do for entertainment and hoping that one day you will marry a husband or wife who will keep you entertained every day for the rest of your life. Instead, you should start acting like dating is part of a larger goal that you are working towards, and that you want it to be the best it can be.

The Most Important skill in Marrige

Marriage is a relationship in which a man and woman mutually benefit from one another, support one another, take care of one another, and allow an environment in which children can be brought into this world. Selflessness is crucial to this; you will be required to do many things that have no immediate benefit to you, and are entirely for your spouse or children. Love is a selfless regard for other people, and it is essential in a marriage relationship.

Postponing marriage because of your desire to get an education or to get on your career path can be a negative thing. Although such pursuits are good for you and will truly help you and your family when you choose to start one, they can also hold you back from greater blessings when you choose to prioritize them over other things, and when they permit you to develop bad habits. The important thing is that you do not want to develop selfish habits because you are on your own, you want to develop selfless habits regardless of your situation.

The way you choose to be today will be the way you become ten years down the road. Numerous studies have shown that unless you make a conscious effort to change your behavior, any habits that you have now will stick with you for the rest of your life—you don’t change without conscious effort. The easiest way to become less selfish is to start today following the golden rule: treat other people the way you want to be treated.

Many previous articles have covered the basics of setting goals and preparing yourself to be accepted by your dream spouse.—Do not stray from those things that you want; strive to develop a relationship with someone who has the potential to become the kind of spouse that you would like them to be and that they would like to be themselves. Again, follow the golden rule, if you want to find a husband or wife who is selfless, loves you, and cares about you, you will have to do the same for them.

Being selfish can mean valuing yourself above other people, but it can also mean taking actions that control or manipulate others. Love and lust are not games to be played with. As I have mentioned in other articles, your relationships are agreements of trust in some form or another. It is morally unethical and completely selfish for you to feign feelings in order to gain that trust. Just as it is inappropriate for a government official to misuse the power trusted in them; it is inappropriate for you to misuse the things others trust you with (especially if they are entrusting you with their emotions).









Everything that action you take sends a message of some form to other people either through body language and verbal language. Make sure that you are sending the right message to those around you. Sometimes it can be hard to keep track of all the impressions you are giving other people. Sometimes you might not even notice that you are conveying messages to them through your actions and words but when you do notice things that were unintended, you should be sure to correct them before they turn into big problems. Or, when you notice that there are frequent misunderstandings in your relationship, you should evaluate whether what you are doing might be sending the wrong message.

You should be especially cautious of sexual attraction and the chemistry. When you kiss someone, stare into their eyes attentively, wink at them, hug them, hold their hand, rub up against them, or engage in any other physical behavior, you are playing with chemistry and are sending a specific message to that person that you like them. When you spend excessive amounts of time with them, call or text them frequently, or lead them to believe that you are interested in them in any way, you are also sending a similar message to them. Although, there is nothing wrong with leading a person on*, it becomes wrong when you don’t really intend to follow through with the signs that you are giving them. It is selfish to lead someone on and bring them in, only to reject them later; but if you make your intentions clear, you will not find it difficult to develop the kinds of relationships that you are really after.

Being selfish also includes being bitter. Spite and revenge isn’t good for anyone. It often harms you as much or more than it hurts other people. Learn to forgive other people and let go of the bad things you are clutching onto. Don’t be that guy or that girl who holds grudges and does vile things.

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*I use the term “leading someone on” to imply that you are leading them to believe a certain thing based on your actions and words. I.E. you are controlling the message you are sending them