Foundations Episode 13

Recap: Feeling sorry for yourself, thinking about and complaining about your problems isn't going to help you improve your situation.
You have to get out there and focus on fixing your situation.

Being the Right Person

Although I have referenced one article on my blog more than any other, I don’t feel I covered the topic as sufficiently as I should. If you are an avid reader of my articles you’ll know just how true this statement is: In order to find the right person, you need to be the right person for him or her. There are no substitutes for personal development—if you want to marry someone amazing, you will have to be their equal: Amazing. If you want to come home every night to someone who will take care of you, comfort you when you are down, and provide for your needs, then you too will have to take care of them, comfort them when they are down, and provide for their needs. No amount of seduction or manipulation can convince your ideal person to marry you.

The interactions you receive from other people are directly related to your own personality and present state. It is not uncommon for people to complain about others, and the way that they act, and yet those doing the complaining are also the ones with the biggest problems in that area. In other words, the old saying is true: “we hate the things in others that we really hate in ourselves.” Most of the flaws that we see in other people are flaws that we ourselves have. This comes in two forms: either we fail to see our own flaws and attribute them in other people, or we create those flaws in other people by carrying them ourselves. The latter occurs when we manifest a flaw and others see it as acceptable behavior (subconsciously, mind you) and they begin to mimic our behavior when they communicate with us.
Take for instance when we claim that another individual is stubborn; that person will refuse to back down from their own beliefs and agendas, yet we fail to realize that we too fail to back down from our own. We are so preoccupied by the fact that the other person just wants things their way, that we don’t realize that we just want things OUR way as well.

Another good example (although inverted) of this is a positive person; this does not just work in one direction after all. When we are positive, other people around us tend to be a little more positive as well. When we are hopeful for a bright future, others will desire to share in that future. When we are happy, other people want to be happy as well. Yes, there are negative people in this world who simply cannot get over their negativity, but such people are the rare occurrences that burden our mind and drag us down to where we don’t see the other examples; the ones of people who become positive when we are positive. Another old saying comes to mind: “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy.”

When we can find our own flaws and learn to deal with and correct them, we will begin to have a greater appreciation and respect for other individuals. It is this form of respect that can cause us to look beyond the flaws in other people, a guy or girl, and take a liking to them. If they too have developed this respect, it will be easy for the two of you to fall in love with one another. When you see the flaws in each other, you will realize that you are both striving to improve on yourselves and that one day these flaws will be replaced by others.





To make it easier for others to have that respect for you, you should develop yourself so that you are compatible with the type of person you wish to marry. No two people are the same, and no two people fall into the same category. If you wish to marry someone who has money, you need to learn the attributes that such an individual appreciates, such as frugality, or a wealthy taste. If you have no idea what it means to save money, or you have no clue what the difference in class is between a Volvo and a Corvette, then you need to develop those skills and attributes. Another good example is the level of spirituality: if you want to marry someone who is VERY spiritual, then you had better know the scriptures equally well, and attend church every Sunday, because “very spiritual” individuals have learned to value those specific things.

No one said getting married was easy; “it will be the hardest decision you ever make.” But more important than the actual decision is the processes which you take to prepare yourself for marriage. If you are not ready physically, mentally, or emotionally for marriage then you should focus on preparing yourself in that manner first.
I appreciate the question posed in a famous movie “What is the point of worry about your beard, while your head is going to be taken?” the story behind this question refers to a community threatened by war. The wise elder of the community points out to the leader of their bunch that they are focusing too much on the unimportant aspects of their lives while there are more important matters to resolve first.
It is very true that you will need to grow up and become a man or woman before you can marry a man or woman. Learning all of the intricate ways in which you can attract a man or woman is not going to help you if you have not developed yourself sufficiently to proceed with that attraction. Too many people assume that finding the right person to marry is all about finding him or her. They assume that the reason why they are not having success is because the right person hasn’t come along yet. –-This is a grave error; one which you could devote your whole life to searching for the perfect person for you, and one in which most people who do eventually get married after succumbing to the exhaustion of their search. They settle for someone who they determine to make things work with, only because they have resolved that there is no “perfect” person out there for them to marry.

Being the right person for the right person entails developing yourself so that you are exactly what some other poor, lonely person is looking for. The beauty of developing yourself in such a manner is that it empowers you and gives you a greater selection of people to choose from. Most people of the opposite sex share the same or similar ideals about what the “perfect” husband or wife entails. By developing these attributes, you will automatically pass their hardest criteria and win their hearts. You will then be in a position in which you may choose the best candidate for you to pair off with; you will not have to merely take whatever is offered to you.

Attitude Affects Your Dating Life

As I am sure you have heard numerous times: “attitude determines everything”. Let’s face it: dating is hard; it is one of the hardest things you will ever go through simply because dating leads up to the hardest choice you will ever make (marriage).
I have stressed time and time on this blog that dating takes time. You can’t expect things to just fall into your lap, to meet that perfect guy or girl and to have courting them be easy it will take time and devotion. You have to work at it every day in order to be successful at dating (i.e. to meet your long term dating goals, usually marriage).
You also can’t be afraid of dating because of a fear of failure. Everyone will fail at least a couple times before they get good at a particular skill. Every athlete in the history of sports has had major defeats and setbacks that jarred them and made them question that what they were doing was the right thing to do. I am sure that you have felt lonely before; that you have questioned whether that young lady or young man liked you back; and you have probably felt frustrated about the whole "dating thing" and wished there were a better way.
All of these negative thoughts can bring you down.

“Attitude determines everything”, if you reflect on the negative aspects of your life, such as how you wish so desperately that you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, your life will be shaped by that desperation. You will come off to people you just met as though you are desperate and that you are starving for their attention. If, on the other hand, you reflect on how any day this week you might meet your future spouse, then your life will be shaped positively. You will be looking for that opportune moment to meet someone new, and you might even go out of your way just on the hope that that special someone is just around the corner.
Finding your future husband or wife is hard work. It takes years of sifting through dates to realize things about yourself and about who you want to marry, and then to prepare yourself to find and woo that person. Should you reflect on how hard it is though? I do not think we are meant to reflect on the difficulty of this task. In the beginning, when you fall in love, chemicals are activated in your body that heighten the experience and add a “magical” touch to your relationship. By this point in your relationship there are still plenty of hurdles to overcome before you actually marry that individual. I do not think that we are meant to reflect too heavily on how hard things are; we are meant to focus on making things a little better each day.

There is a common saying of which you have probably heard: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. As you know, Rome was one of the greatest civilizations in ancient times. It took several hundred years for Rome to reach its height of greatness. Thousands of people devoted their lives to bringing it to that point.--If you want something “great” out of a relationship, then you will have to devote your whole life to it; of course relationships don’t end at marriage, they continue forever. Will it be hard? Of course.
However, rather than focus on how hard dating or having relationships is, you should focus on how much it is worth it to you.
Is it worth it to put up with hard times? Is it worth it to have to date ten jerks before finding one really amazing person? Is it worth it to fix your bad habits in order to please the guy or girl of your dreams? Is it worth it to feel lonely now, in order to motivate your to find that special someone?




Dating and having relationships is hard, but it is completely worth it in the end!
Try to remain optimistic. Whether you are happy or sad about your current situation, you are still going to be in your current situation, so why not be optimistic?
That brings up my final point: you will remain in your current situation until you change your situation. YOU have to change it. No one else can change for you. No one who doesn’t like you now will suddenly like you in the future unless you change; they aren’t going to change for you.
But you need to change for yourself and not for the guy or girl. When you change for yourself, you make lasting changes. When you change for other people, you revert to your old behavior when you stop trying to impress those other people. As your relationship progresses and you both mature, you will eventually realize that you never had to impress that young man or woman and you will stop trying to impress them and start acting normal. At that point, if you didn't change for the benefit of yourself, you will slip back into the kind of person you were before you attempted to impress him or her.
Even if someone changes in your behalf, unless they relate it back to themselves, their changes aren’t going to be lasting either. You should not expect or rely on other people to change in order to love you the way you are. You should not make demads of people that they change so that the two of you can get along better. Instead, do yourself a favor and make yourself in to the kind of person that will please the kind of person you want to marry.

Change is always hard, but it is always worth it. Keep that in mind as you decide from now on that you are going to change and adapt to get along with others rather than expect them to fix their problems to get along with you.

How to Act After Your Relationship Ends

Not all relationships end the way they should. Sometimes, people say or do hurtful things and it’s easy to be bitter or upset over whatever happened in your relationship. Some relationships leave you feeling awkward and unsure of how to interact with that individual once they are over. Do not be discouraged when this happens.
There is a mature and respectable way for you to behave after your relationship has ended. The following are suggestions on how you should behave. If you do these things, you can limit the awkwardness and get over the negative feelings that burden your mind.

Be optimistic - Reflect on the positive parts of your relationship, don’t be critical of the other person. Particularly, Do Not Gossip about them. There are three areas you should be optimistic about: 1) Be optimistic about yourself. Whether the relationship ended because of mistakes you made or not, try not to reflect on the problems too harshly. If you made a few mistakes, being optimistic means working to fix your problems. In most break ups, the blame can’t be easily pinned on one side or the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. 2) Be happy for the good things you experienced while in your relationship with the other person. Try not to blame the other person for everything. Again, in most break ups, the blame can’t be pinned on just one side. There are probably things that both of you can work on. When you talk to your friends about what transpired, try to paint the situation in a positive light and avoid sharing the faults of the other person. 3) Don’t blame society or the opposite sex in general for causing your relationship to end. Your ex is not an accurate representation of every man or woman in society. You need to look at people on an individual basis rather than grouping them all together. For more information about this read my last article.

Be forgiving - Don’t hold a grudge, even if something terrible happened to you. Grudges rarely hurt the other person more than they hurt yourself. The damage that you take from holding a grudge is often unseen to you but manifested to others. This can be psychological damage or even spiritual damage. Often times other people can recognize that you have not fully forgiven your ex; it puts off a bad aura or leaves them with a negative subconscious impression of you. Forgive everyone.

Redefine the Relationship - Just because that type of relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean that you can’t have another type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you can continue to have a relationship with the individual, just not in the same way as before. Redefine what type of relationship you would like to have with them and talk to them about it. By setting the right boundaries, you can continue to remain in contact with that individual and enjoy meaningful experiences with them.





Don’t hang on - If the relationship ended on no part of your own, or if you have regrets about ending the relationship, the worst thing for you to do is cling to the other person expecting them to suddenly change their mind and return again to you. When the relationship is ended, settle with that fact. Don’t try to force your way into their life. You can’t always redefine your relationship merely because you can’t control the other person. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to back off, leave them alone, and give them some space. Time apart has a funny effect on people; if there really is a chance for your relationship, the other person will recognize such after spending time on their own. Walk away, but leave the door open should they choose to return.

Don’t seek revenge - Breaking up brings out the worst emotions in people. Many people’s lives have been ruined when their ex intervened and did some terrible act of retaliation against them. There have been numerous extremes where the result of a breakup ended in murder, all because one side of the relationship lost control of their emotions. A big part of any break up is being able to forgive the other person; but if you are having a hard time forgiving them, at least try to catch yourself whenever you feel your emotions are running away with you. Do not do anything physically to get back at them; do not play games with them; and don’t meddle in their life. Also, make sure that your friends are under the same stance with your ex as you are so as to prevent them from doing things that are wrong, and to prevent them from encouraging you to do wrong.

Move on - Now that your relationship has ended, you are no longer tied down! Go find someone new. Although it is easy to say that you are just not interested in a relationship for the time being, you need to think about the long-term goals and plans that you set before entering into your previous relationship. If you were looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself and help you not feel lonely, then stick to your plan! If you wanted to get married back then and you started on an (1) attempt to do so, then what has really changed?—failure. You failed at this attempt and your failure has led you to fear. Failure, fear, and crushed dreams, can bring you down and prevent you from reaching your full potential. You need to look at what your life plans are and what you are trying to work towards and simply go do it. Don’t give up just because of one failed attempt, make the appropriate changes and try again.

Cease Contact - In some situations, the reason why you have negative feelings and can’t let go of the other person is because you remain in contact with them. Although it isn’t encouraged to go out of your way to avoid people, if it is your last resort, and it means the difference between losing control of yourself or having a serious breakdown, then do not remain in contact with the other person. When you find that redefining your relationship hasn’t worked and you still get in arguments, or when you allow the other person to remain in contact with you but feel as though they are merely leeching off of your life, you need to consider severing all ties with that individual. This can be tough and could cause you a lot of temporary emotional pain, but in some situations it is necessary. Use caution when you do this however, since it is hard to go back after you have done this.

Why Optimism is so Important

Imagine yourself going throughout a typical day: you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I look terrible!” This is your worst case of a bad hair day yet, you look at the clock and you’re running late—Oh, no, you overslept! You decide to slip a beanie on and run out the door without breakfast. Later that day, some very old, crazy lady makes a rude comment about your attire, while walking down the street you slip into a puddle and get drenched, and you get a call from your landlord claiming your apartment is a mess and you need to clean it up or face eviction. By the time you get home for the evening you’re too exhausted to do anything and you reflect on your day, ”what a wasted day, I just want it to be over with.” You look at the mess around your apartment and tell yourself you’ll do it tomorrow. You look in the cupboard and you’re all out of food and need to go to the grocery store but you just don’t feel like it, so you settle for some junk food that you found lying around. When you go to bed, your pillow is too hard and it takes you forever to get to bed, which causes you to oversleep again the next day.

Now imagine yourself on the same day, only this time you act more optimistically. You wake up a little late, have wicked bed head, and you laugh at yourself. You realize what time it is and you put on a beanie and run out the door—While you’re rushing out you realize how awake you feel now that your blood is circulating and it occurs to you that you might want to start exercising in the morning. The same crazy lady make a rude comment about what you’re wearing and you blow it off, she has no clue about how bizarre your morning has been and yet to you it’s a little exciting. While running down the street you slip into a puddle and get water all over your pants, oh well, I’m going to do my laundry today anyway. By the time you get home you check the messages on your phone and the landlord has ordered you to clean your apartment, so you add that to your list of things to do. You feel as though you have had quite an adventure today and although you’re exhausted you’re still laughing at the fact that people must have thought you peed your pants with all that water on them. You finish your laundry and clean up your apartment and say to yourself “Wow, what a crazy day today was. I’m going to go tell my friends about how funny things have been for me.” You call your friends to discover that they’re going out to eat and ask if you want to come. You end up having a great time with your friends and you’re so tired that you don’t even care how hard your bed is and you fall right asleep.

Who had a better day?

You’ve probably heard it all before about how you should be optimistic, but have you ever thought about how it affects your relationships with other people? If you want to have a happy life, full of meaningful relationships and eventually a happy marriage, you need to start by looking at life as though the glass is half-full rather than the half-empty. There is amazing power in being optimistic which almost willfully makes your life better. It is more than just being grateful for what you have been given, but it is an outpouring of more blessings due to your optimistic nature.






Misery loves company, and negativity only attracts negativity. What that means is that when you are negative, other people who share your same negative views in life will be attracted to you. If you keep up your behavior you will eventually discover that all of your friends share the same critical view of life as you do. Other people tend to avoid those who they see as having extreme pessimistic behavior. Most people perceive pessimism as anything more negative than they are. In essence, when you are negative, you are limiting yourself from building good relationships with certain people who see themselves as more optimistic than you are.
On the other hand, if you are primarily optimistic, you won’t limit yourself from developing relationships at all. In fact, a few people might even latch on to you in an attempt to have your optimism wear off on them. -–it can only be a good thing for you to be optimistic. Also, according to a 2009 study by the University of Pittsburgh, people who live optimistic lives also live longer and enjoy better health, which can in turn allow you to enjoy your relationships with others a lot better. The benefits to an optimistic lifestyle are obviously numerous.

There are various self-healing and mental health groups that focus on optimism as the main key to overcoming serious illnesses; and many people across the world have seem amazing results from simply framing their life to be more optimistic, but how does one tap into the power of optimism?

I have isolated 3 general points that you can focus on to become more optimistic, however, the key to being optimistic is focusing on an honest attempt to become more positive.

1. Optimism towards Yourself
2. Optimism among Others
3. Optimism in Society

Optimism towards Yourself - We are our own worst critics. Why is it that we put ourselves down whenever we make stupid mistakes? Why is it, after we’ve made it through something really hard, we feel as though we didn’t do as well as we would have liked?
Each time you put yourself down or you tell yourself that you don’t measure up to your own expectations, you add to your negativity.
Mistakes are part of life; no one is perfect. Mistakes are what help us learn and progress, not our successes. Next time you feel the urge to think or say negative things to yourself, replace it with something positive or humorous.
“Oops, I'm such a clutz for dropping the fork on the ground"—>"wow, I’ve never seen food launch so far!”
Optimism among Others - This is divided into two parts: what you say about others and what you say about yourself. You shouldn’t tell people about your faults or flaws or downplay your abilities; be honest with people, but try not to tell people about how bad you are. Not only does it make you look bad that you’re willing to admit such things, but the repetition of it might make them believe it!
Don’t talk poorly about other people either. Try to paint everyone in a positive light, you never know when you’ll make friends with that person, or wish you had.
Optimism in Society - Let’s face it, people aren’t always nice, but that doesn’t mean you should be rude back to them. You should avoid saying bad things about other people; but more importantly, don’t assume the worst about other people. No one is perfect, people make mistakes all the time and if you still want to be optimistic towards a world that does rude things, both on accident and on purpose, then you need to stop reflecting on the problem.
There will always be people out there who purposely go around spreading hate and anger, this is because someone did something offensive to them and they are sharing it with you. It can become a major avalanche if you don’t take the steps to stop it from spreading. When people say or do negative things to you, resist the urge to retaliate and instead brush it off. When you reflect on how offensive some people are it can cause you to start engaging in those same negative behaviors that you dislike.

Put simply, be optimistic about yourself and other people.
The greatest hope given to God’s children is that when they make mistakes they can still repent and fix the problem. So even if you feel pessimistic because you’re not meeting your own expectations, or you’re pessimistic because you’ve done something wrong, or you’re pessimistic because others have or keep doing things to you, none of that really matters: you will eventually meet your expectations, you can repair any damage done by your misdeeds, and although other people might make mistakes, you don’t have to follow in their footsteps.

Tricks for Having a Good Self Esteem

One of the most important possessions you can own is a healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem, known by several names, is defined as how you perceive yourself. If you have a high self-esteem that would mean that you value yourself very well. Some people use the term self-worth. If you have a low self-worth, you feel like you aren’t worth very much in the world.
A healthy self-esteem is one in which you are comfortable with whatever life throws at you. You are generally positive, and you respect other people. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are not ashamed of yourself or the things you have no control over, but you enjoy yourself the way you are. People with healthy self-esteems are more confident, less prone to sudden emotional shifts, and have a greater sense of fulfillment with their lives.
You might notice how often the word “self” comes up when describing self-esteem. This is because it relates to who you are as an individual. It also affects every aspect of your life. Let me repeat that: The way your perceive yourself affects every aspect of your life. This is very important because the area in which it has most effect is that of the social relationships that you establish.

If you have a poor self-esteem you will do one of two things: be embarrassed, shy, or awkward when around other people, or you will mistreat other people. I will explain both of these tendencies, but before I do I need to establish an eternal principle:
God created all of us equally; we all have the same potential, we can all obtain the same things in life if we choose. God also created each of us uniquely; no one is exactly the same as someone else. This is where difference comes from. Some people might have challenges with a task that another individual might find relatively easy. That is perfectly okay. You will eventually find in life that although there are certain individuals who are amazing bicyclists, each one of them fell many times before they were able to ride on their own. –Each one of them was once at a level where you are now, but because of hard work and determination it comes easy for them now.

People with low self-esteem might feel awkward or shy or embarrassed when they are around other people who they think are superior to them. Although it is a natural response, it can be overcome. Feelings of inadequacy always come from Satan. He will always try to make you feel miserable. When you have a low self-esteem it can easily prevent you from making friends and finding happiness with those friends.
There is an interesting effect in life which has been portrayed by Hyrum Smith, the motivational speaker, which he describes as “The Crab Theory”. The theory goes like this: if you put two equal, lowly crabs in a box, one will try to climb out, will make it nearly to the top, and then the other crab will climb up to pull it back down into the box. Neither crab will escape from the box. The same is true with people who have a low self-worth. This too is caused by Satan; he wants you to be miserable like he is.
Some people who have a low self-esteem will try to drag you down in order to make you equal or inferior to them. I’m sure everyone has experienced this before. The truth is that when you engage in put-downs or jealousy or revenge, or whatever name you would like to call it, you will never be superior. This is caused by what I call the downer cycle: When you bring somebody down, Satan will make you feel even worse about yourself. While the person you just brought down might be at the level you are, you will eventually feel worse about yourself than you did before and be lower than they are. This is a dangerous cycle because you will try it again and again to attempt to bring yourself out of the hole you are digging.

On the flip side, people who have high self-esteems are comfortable in the presence of those who are better than they are. No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone better than you are. You might be the gold medalist, but you likely have weaknesses that others don’t have. Again, that is okay.

So where does self-worth come from? One might say that it is through personal accomplishment, and although that might be part of it, it is definitely not the big picture. –There are many people who have done nothing outstanding and yet they are comfortable around people better than they are. If your life is based on the accomplishments you have made with your own hands, you have gravely missed the picture.
Self-esteem comes from living the gospel and having the firm knowledge that you are a child of God who loves and cares about you. Living the gospel will prevent Satan from succeeding at pulling you down in the mire. Knowing that you are a child of God, and that he loves you and wants you to succeed at everything you strive for will give you a great self-worth. You must base your self-worth on eternal principles.

Remember the downer cycle? It is often the case that people who get stuck in the downer cycle feel hopeless and as though all is lost. It causes you to sin more often (also a part of the cycle) and occasionally it will lead you into causing others to sin around you.
However, there is Hope.







A great part of why people have a low self-esteem is because of the little sins in their life that stack up and weigh them down, so the first step to building up your self-esteem is to repent of your sins and transgressions. Sometimes this can be a very hard thing, other times it is a very simple thing.

The second step to building up your self-worth is to cut out any negative thoughts or words from your daily conversation. Replace them with positive things. This applies not only to when you talk about yourself, but also when you talk about other people. You tend to believe the things that are said about you, and you tend to trust yourself more than other people, so if you are constantly telling yourself that you aren’t handsome enough or you’re fat, or that you’re ugly, you will start to believe them and it will hurt your self-esteem. If instead, you tell yourself positive things and you motivate yourself, you will start to believe that you are in fact an attractive young man or woman. So what’s the difference between talking well of yourself and talking well of other people? –Back to the downer cycle.
If you lift other people up, they will eventually lift you up. This is the positive cycle. Whereas before you might have brought someone down, if you lift them up, it will make you feel better about yourself. Many statistics show that people who are charitable and helpful to other people typically have greater health than those who do not. There is a power in being optimistic and positive. Even when you lift someone up and don’t receive the favor in return, God, who sees all and has all power, will reward you for your good deeds.

The third step to having a powerful self-esteem is to strive daily to be a better person. This seems like an unrelated step, but in actuality, when you have a purpose driven life, even if it is merely for self-improvement, you will feel more confident and comfortable with the way you are.



This topic has always been a big deal to me. I have seen the lives of many people ruined because of poor self-esteem. I have also seen many people who I love and respect and look up to dearly, rise above a poor self-esteem and change their life around. It is an amazing thing to me.
In the scriptures we are promised of a day when Satan will have no power on earth. –That day will come, but before we are ready for that day, we will all need to have a healthy self-esteem. We will all need to do our part to prevent Satan from dragging us or others down.

Do not get discouraged when others mock you or when they, like the crabs, try to pull you back into the box, they, more than you, need your love at this time. Out of the two of you, they have the worse self-esteem. –I don’t believe in chance, chance is when God presents things to you in order to bless you or give you a trial to prove yourself.—next time someone makes fun of you, or tries to bring you down or tell you that your ideas and opinions are stupid, try to bring them up, help them see that there is a better way in life and that people really do care about them.