What is the "it" connection?

I’ve only slightly touched on this topic a few times on this website, but I feel like I need to go a little deeper. So in this article I’m going to answer the question of what the “it” connection is.

“It” is that feeling you get when you know that he or she compatible with you. It is exciting and thrilling. When you leave that person you smile and think “that was so wonderful,” and you feel attraction for them —That’s it. I don’t need to say more because I know you’re already thinking in your head, ”Yes! That’s exactly what I’m looking for, that’s what I want in a relationship! –But it’s just so darn hard to find!”. And now you’re probably thinking about how many dates you’ve been on that fizzled and were “unromantic” and that there was no “spark”.

So what is that feeling anyway? –If you don’t like life to be spoiled then I recommend you close this website, power off your computer, lock you door, and go to sleep and forget about all that I have said so far. Deny the fact that I even brought this topic up. –the “it” connection is a passionate feeling you get right after your brain turns off. If you’re dating around looking for love and you expect it to manifest itself in some form similar to this, then I have to break it to you, but that’s not love, and just because you feel that way doesn’t mean that it will lead into a loving relationship.






As I mentioned in another article: Loving relationships require sacrifice, time, commitment, and trust, among other things. Love isn’t passion. If a person were to purely follow passion, they would head down many dark corridors before realizing that passion got them nowhere and that they were missing a significant aspect of their life called love. Many of the people who follow the passionate path eventually meet love, but it is typically after they are lying on a hospital bed giving birth to a child who, out of force for 9 months, developed a deep connection with that person.—okay, so that's a little harsh and only applies to women. Still, Passion and Love are NOT the same thing.

I’m not saying to avoid passion all together. Passion is the seasoning that makes a steak better, but true steak fans realize that a good piece of steak tastes good on its own. Love is the same way. You don’t necessarily NEED passion in order to have good love, but if love needs a little extra boost then it’s there to help.

So how does this all apply to you (you’re probably sick of that—I make every article apply directly to you, even though some of it gets really deep and seems like useless knowledge): If you go on a first date with someone who seems incredibly nice but doesn’t create that “spark” that you were looking for. Do not dismiss her or him. The important aspect of the relationship isn’t the passion. If he or she can provide for your needs. Whether those needs are spiritual, mental, emotional, or financial, if there is even the slightest possibility that he or she can fulfill those, then do not let him or her go until you know that he or she cannot. There.
That’s a simple enough rule, isn’t it?
If you’re a guy, I have to tell you something that you’re going to LOVE hearing. Most of the models I have met (my side hobby is film making, so I have met a few), have told me that the person they ultimately go for is the nice guy who can support them. True, they may go in and out of relationships with jerks who they feel quite passionately about, but when it comes down to settling down, the person they ALWAYS marry is the one who is nicest to them. What that means is that eventually people with experience (and you don’t doubt that that type of person has experience, do you?) ALWAYS end up with the nice guy. Nice guys finish last after all...and by that point, the girl doesn’t ever want to leave them.

So just to recap: If you want to have an awesome relationship with someone someday, then focus on what really counts. Don’t worry about the passion. It can always be worked out with time. Eventually, you can feel that "It" connection with anyone.

Being the Right Person

Although I have referenced one article on my blog more than any other, I don’t feel I covered the topic as sufficiently as I should. If you are an avid reader of my articles you’ll know just how true this statement is: In order to find the right person, you need to be the right person for him or her. There are no substitutes for personal development—if you want to marry someone amazing, you will have to be their equal: Amazing. If you want to come home every night to someone who will take care of you, comfort you when you are down, and provide for your needs, then you too will have to take care of them, comfort them when they are down, and provide for their needs. No amount of seduction or manipulation can convince your ideal person to marry you.

The interactions you receive from other people are directly related to your own personality and present state. It is not uncommon for people to complain about others, and the way that they act, and yet those doing the complaining are also the ones with the biggest problems in that area. In other words, the old saying is true: “we hate the things in others that we really hate in ourselves.” Most of the flaws that we see in other people are flaws that we ourselves have. This comes in two forms: either we fail to see our own flaws and attribute them in other people, or we create those flaws in other people by carrying them ourselves. The latter occurs when we manifest a flaw and others see it as acceptable behavior (subconsciously, mind you) and they begin to mimic our behavior when they communicate with us.
Take for instance when we claim that another individual is stubborn; that person will refuse to back down from their own beliefs and agendas, yet we fail to realize that we too fail to back down from our own. We are so preoccupied by the fact that the other person just wants things their way, that we don’t realize that we just want things OUR way as well.

Another good example (although inverted) of this is a positive person; this does not just work in one direction after all. When we are positive, other people around us tend to be a little more positive as well. When we are hopeful for a bright future, others will desire to share in that future. When we are happy, other people want to be happy as well. Yes, there are negative people in this world who simply cannot get over their negativity, but such people are the rare occurrences that burden our mind and drag us down to where we don’t see the other examples; the ones of people who become positive when we are positive. Another old saying comes to mind: “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy.”

When we can find our own flaws and learn to deal with and correct them, we will begin to have a greater appreciation and respect for other individuals. It is this form of respect that can cause us to look beyond the flaws in other people, a guy or girl, and take a liking to them. If they too have developed this respect, it will be easy for the two of you to fall in love with one another. When you see the flaws in each other, you will realize that you are both striving to improve on yourselves and that one day these flaws will be replaced by others.





To make it easier for others to have that respect for you, you should develop yourself so that you are compatible with the type of person you wish to marry. No two people are the same, and no two people fall into the same category. If you wish to marry someone who has money, you need to learn the attributes that such an individual appreciates, such as frugality, or a wealthy taste. If you have no idea what it means to save money, or you have no clue what the difference in class is between a Volvo and a Corvette, then you need to develop those skills and attributes. Another good example is the level of spirituality: if you want to marry someone who is VERY spiritual, then you had better know the scriptures equally well, and attend church every Sunday, because “very spiritual” individuals have learned to value those specific things.

No one said getting married was easy; “it will be the hardest decision you ever make.” But more important than the actual decision is the processes which you take to prepare yourself for marriage. If you are not ready physically, mentally, or emotionally for marriage then you should focus on preparing yourself in that manner first.
I appreciate the question posed in a famous movie “What is the point of worry about your beard, while your head is going to be taken?” the story behind this question refers to a community threatened by war. The wise elder of the community points out to the leader of their bunch that they are focusing too much on the unimportant aspects of their lives while there are more important matters to resolve first.
It is very true that you will need to grow up and become a man or woman before you can marry a man or woman. Learning all of the intricate ways in which you can attract a man or woman is not going to help you if you have not developed yourself sufficiently to proceed with that attraction. Too many people assume that finding the right person to marry is all about finding him or her. They assume that the reason why they are not having success is because the right person hasn’t come along yet. –-This is a grave error; one which you could devote your whole life to searching for the perfect person for you, and one in which most people who do eventually get married after succumbing to the exhaustion of their search. They settle for someone who they determine to make things work with, only because they have resolved that there is no “perfect” person out there for them to marry.

Being the right person for the right person entails developing yourself so that you are exactly what some other poor, lonely person is looking for. The beauty of developing yourself in such a manner is that it empowers you and gives you a greater selection of people to choose from. Most people of the opposite sex share the same or similar ideals about what the “perfect” husband or wife entails. By developing these attributes, you will automatically pass their hardest criteria and win their hearts. You will then be in a position in which you may choose the best candidate for you to pair off with; you will not have to merely take whatever is offered to you.

Times When your Brain Shuts off

Even when your subconscious or conscious tell you one thing, you should persist towards your goals and seek after the best opportunities in life.

It starts out simple enough: a guy lacks female interaction for a lengthy period of time [take for instance those who join the military, or serve a mission and spend most of their time without women] and then finally returns home and is looked up to by the opposite sex and given excess amounts of attention. Or perhaps a young lady who is not used to getting attention from guys [or a specific type of guy] suddenly has one shows interest in her. Both the male and female reactions to the above situations are the same: their brains shuts off and emotions take over.
You might find this humorous, but situations like these trigger three specific responses in your brain: 1) Critical thoughts are shut off. 2) Judgment is impaired and decision making skills are skewed. 3) The individual feels an overwhelming level of excitement and euphoria. I describe this as “brain dead behavior” and although it has its benefits, there are also many problems to this behavior. It is a part of infatuation and passion, which people will often confuse with "love". And many love and romance films have been produced about characters who go into this “brain dead” state; but have you ever realized how frequently this happens in real life; maybe it’s even happened to you?

Not everything is bad about this behavior, if we didn’t have this triggered response, falling in love would not be as great or exciting as everyone claims it is. It brightens your life and helps you feel optimistic and hopeful. It gives you a desire to have more of this emotion, which in turn helps you to care for (& develop love for) the other person. Since the beginning of your relationship sets the foundation for the rest of the relationship, having the subconscious ability to shut off your brain allows you to more easily get comfortable with another person and proceed with the important matters of your relationship without interference. It is one of many survival tactics that our human body comes pre-programed with to help us continue socializing even when times are bad.

But understanding the negative side effects of brain dead behavior, and the ability to recognize when it is happening, can help you have a more successful dating life. First, it can help you by keeping you away from unwanted relationships and second, by not entering into relationships before you have the proper foundation in place that will help the relationship last.

The following are symptoms that maybe you have had before:

1) Critical thoughts are shut off – When you first experience this feeling for another individual, your brain finds it very easy to overlook obvious negative aspects of the other person. It can lead you to overlook mental, emotional, and physical flaws that, under normal situations, neither you, nor your friends and family, would see as acceptable flaws.
Take for instance an abusive relationship; when you brain shuts off, you believe that you are going to be perfectly happy with the way things turn out in the future only to later realize all of the verbal or physical abuse that you are bearing in the relationship and you have no way out.

2) Judgment is impaired and decision making skills are skewed – You will find yourself engaging in bizarre behavior that is not healthy for you emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually.
You might stop spending time with your friends which will ultimately cause you emotional damage when you no longer have regular friends, or it can cause you to turn against your family. Physically, you could deprive yourself of food or exercise simply because you would rather spend time with this person (who is the cause of your brain death). Mentally, you might find yourself losing focus at work or school because you would rather think about your developing relationship, which in turn causes other problems. Spiritually, you can be led to commit serious sins simply because they don’t seem as bad when you are "in love". *(But what you are really feeling is one form of passion.)
--I know, all of this sounds pretty extreme, but being “brain dead” is THAT powerful and surprisingly it causes all of these problems on a regular basis to most of the world.





3) Being overwhelmed by euphoria and excitement – Although it sounds wonderful to be this happy, it can cause you a few unforeseen problems when the feelings end. Later down the road when your relationship has progressed and the feelings have ebbed, you might sense that “something is missing” in your relationship or that the “excitement” just isn’t there.-–Obviously this is because at that point you will have finally snapped out of the brain dead behavior.
The problem with this is that it can lead you into thinking that you NEED to build excitement in your relationship or else you won’t be happy with one another.--But you don't NEED excitement in a relationship as long as you care for one another--It can lead you into ultimately separating from one another because you think the "magic" is missing, or it can lead you into pursuing addictive behaviors that only temporarily allows you to feel "excitement" and thereby force you to always be looking for exciting things you can try.

Yet another side effect that this euphoric feeling can create is that if your relationship ends, then the extreme high that you get on from your brain turning off will become an extreme low as your body realizes that you can no longer have those feelings.—-in other words it makes you feel and plants thoughts in you mind like "I'll never find someone like them again" or, "My soul mate doesn't exist".

A word for the wise:
Remember that success is how you define it; failure is the opposite of success. Failure can cause you to lose hope and feel as though you will never succeed. It is good to set goals and to define what success is to you. NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS. The reason I point this out is that when you become brain dead, it is easy for you to “settle” for the person, or with their poor behavior because of the psychological feelings you are getting from the relationship. It can cause you to forget about marriage and settle for a live-in relationship because of the confusion it puts you in. It can also cause you to lose hope of ever having a loving spouse and family and from becoming happy; and once the feelings abate you might become “trapped” in a poor relationship.
Going brain dead can cause you to abandon other relationships because you assume that you have found “the one” when in reality you are selling yourself short. It can even cause you to lower your standards (called “settling”) in order to make yourself feel as though you have obtained some success in your dating life. Ask yourself: is this really the person of your dreams, or is it just your body telling you that you are tired of looking for something better?

Be wise about who you are building relationships with and in what way they are developing. The more control you have over yourself, the easier it will be to ensure that your relationships progress towards what you really want, and need to have, and not just what your body tells you.