You don't have to play "The Game"

I have received a few questions about this recently, so I feel like for this fifth Sunday post, I will address this topic. Typically people will ask me something about how they are performing when playing “the game” and why they aren’t “winning” the game, why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are so skilled at having fun times with other people. Let me first make a statement that I think you will grow to appreciate: “Playing games is for kids” and when you’re an adult, you don’t play the same games as you did when you were younger.

What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.

If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.

“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.

With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.

So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.

1. Real Relationships are Honest –You can’t lie about yourself, your talents, or your situation or when he or she starts to question you, these things will be brought up, and he or she won’t trust you, will re-decide and will probably determine that they don’t like you, and he or she may not want to marry you. If you’re poor, don’t say you’re rich. If you’re not good at something, don’t say that you are. If you don’t like pets, and he or she does, don’t tell him or her that you like them, and don’t do the same with kids. How could you ever expect to plan your lives together if he or she doesn’t know what your life is really like?
   Also, when you can be honest, you can tell the other person that you like them and have no worries about them trusting you. A pattern of honesty is worth more than an action of statement—you can show someone you love them better by being honest with them and telling them that you love them, rather than buying them flowers or gifts and being dishonest on occasion.
2. Real Relationships Balance Flirting. –When you flirt too much and don’t have ‘serious time’, your relationship can’t progress. You need to have serious moments now and again where you have the time to talk about making life plans together. Relationships are not fun and “games”. They have exciting times, sure, but they are primarily serious. Don’t think of relationships as hobbies or things you do for entertainment, going out to meet people, although fun, still needs to lead to a serious relationship. This is precisely why I have always discouraged short-term relationships: they do not teach you how to have lasting, serious relationships.
3. Real Relationships are Prepared to Advance -- When you get married, what are your plans? When you begin to court someone, where would you like it to lead? When you date someone, do you plan on eventually having a long-term relationship with them, or a short-term relationship? When you go out looking for guys or girls to hit on, are you doing it for fun, or are you doing it because you want a relationship? Before you take any interest in dating someone, you should be comfortable with what comes next: a relationship. And when you enter into a relationship, you should be comfortable with what comes next: an exclusive relationship/courting. These things lead up to each other, and if you have no intentions of advancing into the next area or you are incapable of doing so (maybe you aren’t ready for commitment, or you have other things you need to work out), then you will not be able to progress, and you shouldn’t attempt to until you are ready. That is called "leading people on".
   If you are in a relationship, it will reach a standstill, if you are dating people, none of them will develop into courtships, or if you hit on someone it won’t ever reach the next stage: a date. Start by preparing yourself and everything else will fall into place.
4. Real relationships are not political-—I could not think of a better way to put this. There aren’t any politics behind real relationships. You don’t need to make the other person feel like you are their best chance in life because you are in high demand and all the boys or girls want you (reread #2). You don’t need to prove anything to him or her that you are the perfect match (reread #1). You don’t need to use spite against them when they decide not to advance with you; if your relationship ends, or you stop dating, or you don’t even get a first date, who cares? Trying to get back at them will not help you, in fact it will only hurt them and…“what goes around comes around”—You will get hurt more than anything you could do to them. You do not need to one-up them, or score on them to get more points than they do. Dating is not a game!
   
   It is when two mature individuals decide to work out their differences that they decide to get married. If marriage is your goal, then you should stop acting like dating is just a fun thing you do for entertainment and hoping that one day you will marry a husband or wife who will keep you entertained every day for the rest of your life. Instead, you should start acting like dating is part of a larger goal that you are working towards, and that you want it to be the best it can be.

Advice On Short-Term Relationships

In an effort to merge this website with my new life coaching website, I rewrote this article and published it over there in two articles:

(click to be redirected)

and

If you've already read the article that I had posted here, go read them both, particularly The Relationship Classification Guide since most of that article is new material.

How to Tell if you are Being Played

**Click here to skip down to the Dating Zion Article below**

Recently, the LDS church website was redesigned, and I feel like now is also a good time to list a few reference points to other material that state some of the same things that my blog does, so I’ve been searching for a few good articles and here’s what I’ve come up with:

• A rock solid article on being the right person for the right person, self-respect, and a little bit about the Lord’s part in our progress: Choosing and Being the Right Spouse(2002)
• A good article on how relationships take time and that passion should be put somewhat restrained in order to develop a real relationship: Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends (1994)
  --Be careful when you read in the beginning of the article not to confuse his definition of “friendship” with other definitions of the word. He uses the term to signify that the two individuals know and understand each other’s long-term goals, are sufficiently prepared at the time they get married, and have learned to appreciate and love one another.
• A few good true stories about how marriage is the Lord’s will and that we need to not fear or shy away from it:
  Making the Marriage Decision (2010)
• I’ve commented on this article in the past, it covers a broad range of false thinking that young single adults associate with marriage and it explains the outcome of such thinking. This is a definite read:
  Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision (2007)
• A good article that cites statistics and a survey taken at BYU (in 1987)—the numbers were probably worse elsewhere, but essentially the article makes a good case that there is nothing to fear about marriage and gives ten things to help us realize and desire marriage as well as prepare for it:
  The Faith to Marry (1987)
• An article that is meant to give hope to young single adults:
  Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope (2008)
  --I recommend you take a glance at this article (whether you end up reading it or not). There is an interesting blurb in the intro that I encourage you to read. It lists the ages of people who seek mental health counseling and then makes the statement that there is a growing trend for Young single adults to stay single for longer. I point this out because 26 and 27 isn’t all that old (time goes faster once to turn 20). Missionaries get home at age 21-23. You can pass 3 to 5 years quickly without getting married and ending up unhappy just like those in the examples. That can be roughly the amount of time it takes to go through a university.—But most people don’t seek counseling until they’ve done everything they possibly can, which could be even a year of extra unhappiness.—Don’t let it happen to you!

I also recently received the following question that I would like to answer in this post:


Q- How do you tell if someone is a player?

A-Before I answer, I want to define a player. I define a player as someone who manipulates other people in order to get what they want. –I suppose some people might define a player as someone who goes after multiple people at once, but I feel it is okay to like more than one person—at least until you are married that is—so there shouldn’t be a problem with dating multiple people—and moving forward with multiple people—until you make some sort of commitment with one of them.

Simply put, to tell if someone is a player, you first need to determine what they are after in life.—not everyone is at the same point in life and not everyone wants the same things. Second, you need to determine if they are getting what they want without full consent. (meaning, you need to determine if they are purposely manipulating people into doing things that only they benefit from or if they are doing things that appease everyone involved)






The problem arises when a person is only using those other people for selfish desires. They may even like and be interested in some of the people that they are using, but the fact remains that they are trying to get something specific from other people without benefiting the other person as well. (a.k.a. manipulation).
The most common manifestation of this (or rather, the one that most people think of) is merely attempting to receive sexual gratification from other people; this can come from actual sex, kissing or anything else. But players aren’t always after sex. Some players try to get freebies from everyone, they attempt to manipulate people into asking them on dates when they really have no intentions of progressing further with them. They attempt to get other people to buy them things and pamper them. They manipulate the other person into doing things for them –The list could go on and on, but I think the point is proven: a player is anyone who manipulates another person in order to receive some form of benefit for themselves and without regard for the other person.

With that understanding, you can tell if someone is a player by what their intentions are, or “what they want out of life” –Intentions aren’t always the easiest things to determine though and if the person is particularly good at deception then they’ll hide their intentions fairly well.
You need to understand that not everyone has the same agendas in life. Some people are uninterested in having a long-term relationship but still need to fill that gap in their life of having companionship with the opposite sex (it’s a basic need). They also might attempt to fulfill that need in an unconventional way (such as turning people into “kissing buddies” or “slaves” who they use to fix all their problems). If you are after the same thing as they are, then you both end up with what you want and there really isn’t any manipulation involved. For instance, if both of you want a “kissing buddy” then neither of you are really playing the other person. When you want one thing and they want another, you might feel played when they get what they want and you do not. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a player though. People can be under the assumption that you are both in accordance on what you want from one another, only to find out later that you are not both after the same things.

If you feel like you are constantly giving and not receiving, that can be a good indicator that you are being played, but remember that not everyone wants the same thing. He or she might be getting what is wanted from you and assume that you to are getting from them what you want. You can’t exactly judge the other person for ignorantly getting into that situation. People are confusing, everyone is trying to make sense of the events that take place in their life; therefore, it might just be that the two of you have the wrong impressions of one another and assume that the both of you are after the same thing when really you are not. That doesn’t make either of you a player, but in both of your best interests, you’ll want to stop.

Communication is the key, the more you talk about subjects relating to life and their goals, the better you will understand what their intentions are.
You can circumvent all of your problems by avoiding getting too close to people who don’t want the same things as you do (short-term relationships/long-term relationships).—Don’t be rude about it, but in your better interest it is okay to politely decline their advances.

I need to make an additional comment about this answer though as it is essential to a happy future: Even though you aren’t a player just because you merely want to have short-term relationships or “make-out buddies”, and you can find some people who share those same intentions, it isn’t going to make you happy in the end. Everything that merely entertains you in the present can leave you feeling hollow and empty once you overuse or can no longer be entertained by it. It can be an addiction that prevents you from having greater happiness and threatens future relationships you might have.