Know Yourself

What more can I say about this topic: You need to BE the right person, FOR the right person?

I wrote this article (the one you are reading) several times and haven’t been satisfied with the way it turned out, and I have deleted it and started over again. It is a relatively short article because I feel like I have said the same information many times, in many different ways. Yet, based on comments and questions that I receive from a few of you, you don’t quite have it figured out what I am saying. So this time, I am going to write it a little differently from anything else you have read of mine. I want you to say yes or no to each of these questions. If you say yes, read the next one. If you say no, feel free to comment below and ask me to clarify the question:

Successful relationships are ones that last?
No relationship is without ups and downs, good times, bad times, arguments and tender moments?
If I want my relationship to last, I need to learn how to make it through the hard times and enjoy the good times?
In order to survive the hard times, I may need to give up personal opinions, personal possessions, or personal comfort so that my partner’s feelings aren’t hurt beyond repair, he or she is given more than the bare minimum to survive, and he or she doesn’t leave me?
There are things I may need to do in order to enjoy, appreciate, and reach the good times?
If I put effort into forming a relationship, I want it to last?
My time in life is limited—I will die some day?
I will eventually have to leave my loved ones, or they will leave me at their death, whether temporarily or permanently?
I want to make the most out of my relationships in this life: Either because I know they will continue after I die, or because I know that my time is limited and I want them to be the best that they can be?
I know that I am not perfect, and that I have flaws?
I am trying to figure out the flaws that I don’t recognize?
I am working on correcting the flaws that I know about?
I understand that other people have flaws as well?
Those flaws are probably different from my flaws?
I would be willing to put up with another person’s flaws if they would put up with my own?
I would even help them overcome their problems if they would simply be patient with my own?
I have a general understanding of what I want to do with my life, these are my dreams?
I am trying to realize (or figure out) what I will need to do in order to make these dreams come true in my life?
Certain of my dreams are more important than other dreams--I could prioritize them and rank their importance?
Having a successful relationship is one of my top three dreams?
I am willing to give up less important dreams in order to accomplish more important dreams, or dreams that have greater priority?
I am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my top three dreams in this life?
I am really willing to make sacrifices if I could only accomplish my top three dreams?
I realize now, that if I want to accomplish my top three dreams, my future spouse will also have to play a role in those dreams; he or she will be involved?
I will only be able to marry someone who is comfortable with my dreams, encouraging of my dreams, and equally willing to sacrifice for my dreams?
I realize that I will also have to be comfortable with his or her dreams, encourage him or her to accomplish their dreams, and I am also willing to make sacrifices to do so?
I am willing to prioritize his or her goals above my own as long as he or she helps me to accomplish my goals as well?
If we accomplish both of our dreams, I am willing to set more dreams with him or her?
-->
OK, that’s enough questions. If you made it this far, you probably have a good sense of what I am referring to by “Knowing yourself”. It is one part of “BEING the right person”. You want your relationships to last, but to do so, YOU need to do things. YOU need to know who you are, what you are willing to give, and you need to look beyond yourself, because that’s really what a relationship is: when two or more people agree to share the burdens life places on them and share the glory and blessings that life grants them.
No two people are equal or the same either, which means that some people will have faults and shortcomings that can only be fulfilled by another person’s strengths. That means though, that some people have to work harder than others in order for things to balance out.
The whole reason why we seek out relationships with people (friends, communities, husbands and wives etc.) is because we simply can’t do it all by ourselves. You weren't designed to do everything on your own. Not only is this a learning experience that will help you to grow (and therefore has it's benefits); but, if we were all fully capable of doing everything, we wouldn’t need anyone and we would interfere and cause problems with everyone else (or in other words, the lack thereof could be negative). -–you are not living on an island, you don’t have your own planet secluded from everyone else, and your resources are always limited, but you will always have an abundance of people around you. Learning how we fit into this big puzzle called "life" is one reason why we are here on this earth: essentially, we need to learn how to get along with those around us, and especially those who are closest to us.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are, how you fit into life, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your chief goals are, or what you want to accomplish in this life, and knowing just how much you are willing to sacrifice for your goals. I specifically mentioned that having a successful relationship should be one of your top three goals. I am referring to a marriage relationship and that it should be one of your most, if not your most important goal out of this life.
I don’t think most people realize though, that relationships require “give and take”. You may not realize that you take things when you have a relationship, but everyone does. Or you may realize it, but at the same time not be willing to give things to have a relationship. If that is your case, then you will have a hard time in a relationship that is so one sided. Knowing yourself means where you draw the line on what you give and what you take, or put another way: knowing yourself means knowing what you will HAVE TO sacrifice in order to have a good relationship.

50/50 Relationships

I stumbled across this question last week, and since I posted a regular article last week (it was the 3rd post of the month) I have decided to post a question for this week’s article, which is something I typically reserve for 5th Sundays.

To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.

He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?

--
I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).

Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.

I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.

This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.




Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.

The Most Important skill in Marrige

Marriage is a relationship in which a man and woman mutually benefit from one another, support one another, take care of one another, and allow an environment in which children can be brought into this world. Selflessness is crucial to this; you will be required to do many things that have no immediate benefit to you, and are entirely for your spouse or children. Love is a selfless regard for other people, and it is essential in a marriage relationship.

Postponing marriage because of your desire to get an education or to get on your career path can be a negative thing. Although such pursuits are good for you and will truly help you and your family when you choose to start one, they can also hold you back from greater blessings when you choose to prioritize them over other things, and when they permit you to develop bad habits. The important thing is that you do not want to develop selfish habits because you are on your own, you want to develop selfless habits regardless of your situation.

The way you choose to be today will be the way you become ten years down the road. Numerous studies have shown that unless you make a conscious effort to change your behavior, any habits that you have now will stick with you for the rest of your life—you don’t change without conscious effort. The easiest way to become less selfish is to start today following the golden rule: treat other people the way you want to be treated.

Many previous articles have covered the basics of setting goals and preparing yourself to be accepted by your dream spouse.—Do not stray from those things that you want; strive to develop a relationship with someone who has the potential to become the kind of spouse that you would like them to be and that they would like to be themselves. Again, follow the golden rule, if you want to find a husband or wife who is selfless, loves you, and cares about you, you will have to do the same for them.

Being selfish can mean valuing yourself above other people, but it can also mean taking actions that control or manipulate others. Love and lust are not games to be played with. As I have mentioned in other articles, your relationships are agreements of trust in some form or another. It is morally unethical and completely selfish for you to feign feelings in order to gain that trust. Just as it is inappropriate for a government official to misuse the power trusted in them; it is inappropriate for you to misuse the things others trust you with (especially if they are entrusting you with their emotions).









Everything that action you take sends a message of some form to other people either through body language and verbal language. Make sure that you are sending the right message to those around you. Sometimes it can be hard to keep track of all the impressions you are giving other people. Sometimes you might not even notice that you are conveying messages to them through your actions and words but when you do notice things that were unintended, you should be sure to correct them before they turn into big problems. Or, when you notice that there are frequent misunderstandings in your relationship, you should evaluate whether what you are doing might be sending the wrong message.

You should be especially cautious of sexual attraction and the chemistry. When you kiss someone, stare into their eyes attentively, wink at them, hug them, hold their hand, rub up against them, or engage in any other physical behavior, you are playing with chemistry and are sending a specific message to that person that you like them. When you spend excessive amounts of time with them, call or text them frequently, or lead them to believe that you are interested in them in any way, you are also sending a similar message to them. Although, there is nothing wrong with leading a person on*, it becomes wrong when you don’t really intend to follow through with the signs that you are giving them. It is selfish to lead someone on and bring them in, only to reject them later; but if you make your intentions clear, you will not find it difficult to develop the kinds of relationships that you are really after.

Being selfish also includes being bitter. Spite and revenge isn’t good for anyone. It often harms you as much or more than it hurts other people. Learn to forgive other people and let go of the bad things you are clutching onto. Don’t be that guy or that girl who holds grudges and does vile things.

----------------
*I use the term “leading someone on” to imply that you are leading them to believe a certain thing based on your actions and words. I.E. you are controlling the message you are sending them