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Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dealing with and Dating Obnoxious Men and Women
This article has moved to my new site: http://rdccoach.blogspot.com/
Sunday, June 5, 2011
50/50 Relationships
I stumbled across this question last week, and since I posted a regular article last week (it was the 3rd post of the month) I have decided to post a question for this week’s article, which is something I typically reserve for 5th Sundays.
To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.
He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?
--
I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).
Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.
I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.
This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.
Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.
To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.
He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?
--
I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).
Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.
I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.
This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.
Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
What Society Got Wrong about Love
Let me first re-state something I’ve only briefly touched on in a few of my articles: you can grow to love anyone. There is an ancient debate about what Truth is—whether there is such a thing as absolute truth or whether all truth is relative. But if you believe in one true God, you already know that there is such a thing as absolute truth and that God knows all truth—whether or not we as mere mortals understand the truth or not. Therefore, the definition of Love has one actual definition; we just may not understand it yet. In fact, societies have misused the term to the point where it has strayed from the original truth it once held.—Simply put, society has love mixed up with other things.
There are two primary concepts that society associates with the word “love”; neither are 100% accurate:
The first concept can be replaced with the word “passion”, or the sexual desire for another person. This sexual desire is the combination of psychological connections and chemical reactions that your body produces. (e.g. hormones, etc.)
The second concept frequently associated with the word “love” has a few different terms that are synonymous with it, such as “the warm fuzzy feeling” and the “feeling like you can’t live without them”, or in other words, that you want to be around them all the time. This type of “love” is associated with the feeling of excitement; it is often the deciding factor when someone says they “click” with their partner. For lack of a better word, this concept will be labeled “infatuation” for the rest of this article.
Neither of these concepts can be limited to just one person of the opposite sex, because you can be infatuated with a couple different people at once, and you can obviously feel passion for many people of the opposite sex. You can even have a passionate, chemical or psychological, connection with someone of the same sex; but
again, neither of these two concepts are 100% accurate about love. When used together, these terms come close to the true meaning of Love.—Passion and infatuation are both a part of love, but there is more to the true meaning of love than just these two byproducts of it.
Love is primarily a verb, or an action word, that over time has been modified in the English lexicon to also become a noun. There are several languages that separate the verb from the noun and there are many languages that separate the word for passion from the word for infatuation.
This may appear obvious, but love also isn’t limited to male-female relationships, but over time, the word changed significantly enough for people to stop using it as often in other senses. For instance, “The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (Samuel 18:1). This is a good example of an old, accurate use of the word. David, who later became King David and Jonathan, the son of the present king, were very close friends. They cared for one another, they understood one another. They wanted to remain in each other’s lives; and because of this Jonathan did everything he could to prevent King Saul from killing David. We can learn from this story that another part of love is caring for another individual, sometimes going beyond our comfort zone to do so.
Another good illustration of the concepts above would be when your mother gave birth to you. She put aside her physical well-being to bring you into the world. There were plenty of chemicals and other things floating around at the time and you both shared a very close physical connection (passion). She was also obviously obsessed with you and probably felt like she wouldn’t want to live if you died*(infatuation). But she also cared deeply about you and wanted you to have a successful life; she risked her own life in order for you to have yours (caring). Thankfully, you survived birth and are here today because of that Love.
The best example of Love is actually the Savior. He gave up his entire life up, from birth to death, in order to make it possible for you to one day have a perfect body and become sinless and return to Heavenly Father’s presence. He suffered, He bled from every pore, He took on the consequences of your sins, and He died publicly on the cross because He loved you. He also loved Heavenly Father, which is why He did everything He was told to do.—You can learn a lot about Love by studying the Atonement, [i.e. praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Death on the cross, and the Resurrection from the tomb].
Even though society, or the world, might have multiple uses for the word “love”, there is only one kind of Love. Passion and Infatuation might be aspects, or rather byproducts of love; but the real kind of love is manifested when you put yourself out of your comfort zone in order to help other people. It is selflessness and charity. The same kind of love that you have for your parents and family members now will be the same kind of love that you will have for your future spouse, and before you can find someone who will love you in this way, you will need to learn to love her or him this way.
Love is an essential part of having a relationship; it can very powerful as well. It is likely that the people who you think are the best people ever, the ones you look up to, are also incredibly loving people. They have a way of loving everyone around them and because of this, it is easy for you to love and look up to them. But not everyone is easy to love; with some people it can be very difficult to look past their faults and flaws and all of the hurt and pain they have caused you in the past.
We are encouraged by the Savior to “love one another”, to care about them, to take an interest in their lives and to assist them with whatever they stand in need of. The Savior wouldn’t give us such a commandment if we couldn’t fulfill it; and if we can grow to care about anyone then we have the hardest part of love figured out--the other two, after all, can become byproducts.
Remember the initial statement: “You can grow to Love anyone?” Well, you can also cause anyone to love you. If you have a little bit of knowledge, you can create Passion in other people; you can build yourself up and become interesting and put yourself into a position for people to be Infatuated with you; last of all, if you do the right things, you can give people the opportunity to Care about you.
Just like you can and should forgive everyone, you can also love anyone you choose. You can care about another person and feel infatuated with them. This is an exciting bit of information because it puts agency in your hands. You have a choice in the matter of “falling in love”. It isn’t just some random thing that happens to two people. It isn’t a matter of fate. This also means that there isn’t such a thing as “one true love”**, and any two people can love each other in the necessary way for a lasting relationship.
The absolute truth behind love is that any two people can love each other and be perfectly happy spending the eternities together.
-------
*If you’ve ever met anyone who has lost a baby at birth you’ll understand what I mean when I make that statement.
**This is another term that has multiple meanings and confusion in society. I’m referring to the definition that there isn’t just one person out there who you are destined to fall in love with.
There are two primary concepts that society associates with the word “love”; neither are 100% accurate:
The first concept can be replaced with the word “passion”, or the sexual desire for another person. This sexual desire is the combination of psychological connections and chemical reactions that your body produces. (e.g. hormones, etc.)
The second concept frequently associated with the word “love” has a few different terms that are synonymous with it, such as “the warm fuzzy feeling” and the “feeling like you can’t live without them”, or in other words, that you want to be around them all the time. This type of “love” is associated with the feeling of excitement; it is often the deciding factor when someone says they “click” with their partner. For lack of a better word, this concept will be labeled “infatuation” for the rest of this article.
Neither of these concepts can be limited to just one person of the opposite sex, because you can be infatuated with a couple different people at once, and you can obviously feel passion for many people of the opposite sex. You can even have a passionate, chemical or psychological, connection with someone of the same sex; but
again, neither of these two concepts are 100% accurate about love. When used together, these terms come close to the true meaning of Love.—Passion and infatuation are both a part of love, but there is more to the true meaning of love than just these two byproducts of it.
Love is primarily a verb, or an action word, that over time has been modified in the English lexicon to also become a noun. There are several languages that separate the verb from the noun and there are many languages that separate the word for passion from the word for infatuation.
This may appear obvious, but love also isn’t limited to male-female relationships, but over time, the word changed significantly enough for people to stop using it as often in other senses. For instance, “The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (Samuel 18:1). This is a good example of an old, accurate use of the word. David, who later became King David and Jonathan, the son of the present king, were very close friends. They cared for one another, they understood one another. They wanted to remain in each other’s lives; and because of this Jonathan did everything he could to prevent King Saul from killing David. We can learn from this story that another part of love is caring for another individual, sometimes going beyond our comfort zone to do so.
Another good illustration of the concepts above would be when your mother gave birth to you. She put aside her physical well-being to bring you into the world. There were plenty of chemicals and other things floating around at the time and you both shared a very close physical connection (passion). She was also obviously obsessed with you and probably felt like she wouldn’t want to live if you died*(infatuation). But she also cared deeply about you and wanted you to have a successful life; she risked her own life in order for you to have yours (caring). Thankfully, you survived birth and are here today because of that Love.
The best example of Love is actually the Savior. He gave up his entire life up, from birth to death, in order to make it possible for you to one day have a perfect body and become sinless and return to Heavenly Father’s presence. He suffered, He bled from every pore, He took on the consequences of your sins, and He died publicly on the cross because He loved you. He also loved Heavenly Father, which is why He did everything He was told to do.—You can learn a lot about Love by studying the Atonement, [i.e. praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Death on the cross, and the Resurrection from the tomb].
Even though society, or the world, might have multiple uses for the word “love”, there is only one kind of Love. Passion and Infatuation might be aspects, or rather byproducts of love; but the real kind of love is manifested when you put yourself out of your comfort zone in order to help other people. It is selflessness and charity. The same kind of love that you have for your parents and family members now will be the same kind of love that you will have for your future spouse, and before you can find someone who will love you in this way, you will need to learn to love her or him this way.
Love is an essential part of having a relationship; it can very powerful as well. It is likely that the people who you think are the best people ever, the ones you look up to, are also incredibly loving people. They have a way of loving everyone around them and because of this, it is easy for you to love and look up to them. But not everyone is easy to love; with some people it can be very difficult to look past their faults and flaws and all of the hurt and pain they have caused you in the past.
We are encouraged by the Savior to “love one another”, to care about them, to take an interest in their lives and to assist them with whatever they stand in need of. The Savior wouldn’t give us such a commandment if we couldn’t fulfill it; and if we can grow to care about anyone then we have the hardest part of love figured out--the other two, after all, can become byproducts.
Remember the initial statement: “You can grow to Love anyone?” Well, you can also cause anyone to love you. If you have a little bit of knowledge, you can create Passion in other people; you can build yourself up and become interesting and put yourself into a position for people to be Infatuated with you; last of all, if you do the right things, you can give people the opportunity to Care about you.
Just like you can and should forgive everyone, you can also love anyone you choose. You can care about another person and feel infatuated with them. This is an exciting bit of information because it puts agency in your hands. You have a choice in the matter of “falling in love”. It isn’t just some random thing that happens to two people. It isn’t a matter of fate. This also means that there isn’t such a thing as “one true love”**, and any two people can love each other in the necessary way for a lasting relationship.
The absolute truth behind love is that any two people can love each other and be perfectly happy spending the eternities together.
-------
*If you’ve ever met anyone who has lost a baby at birth you’ll understand what I mean when I make that statement.
**This is another term that has multiple meanings and confusion in society. I’m referring to the definition that there isn’t just one person out there who you are destined to fall in love with.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
A Brief Explanation of Mating and Dating Psychology
To make our process of dating and finding a mate simple, we subconsciously classify people into groups based on our needs and their ability to fulfill those needs.
There are three general, basic needs that everyone is trying to fulfill: Physical needs, such as having food, water, shelter, filling your appetite, etc.; Mental needs, such as the using of our mind, the gaining of knowledge, the sense of accomplishment, obtaining a greater understanding of life, etc.; and Emotional needs, such as being happy, loving and being loved, feeling successful, fitting in, etc.
We seek activities and companionships that can fulfill these desires in our everyday life. For instance, we obtain employment in order to gain food, water, and shelter; we have friends so that we can be happy, and we read the newspaper because we wish to gain a greater understanding of life around us.
Of course there are some activities that you will do that fulfill multiple needs all at once; and there are also times where you will have to choose between fulfilling one need or the other but not both. Life is a complex collection of your past and present experiences and your desires for your future. When you are placed in a complicated situation, your mind will engage in a process to simplify the information it is presented with in order to make a decision.
Relating this to dating and mating, your mind makes a complex process (finding someone to enter into a relationship with who will fulfill your physical, mental, and emotional needs), into a simple one.
So, to make your dating and mating life simple, you both consciously and subconsciously classify people.--Ever been hit on by someone you didn’t particularly want to be around? How do you know you don’t want to be around that individual—because you pre-classified them as non-dating material.
The classifications you make become based on various observations of the five senses, especially those related to body-language, and can be based on cognitive associations. For instance, if you perceive someone as 'weird' or 'awkward' when comparing them to the rest of society, you will attach a classification to them that they aren’t your “type” (because they can’t fulfill your basic needs of 'fitting in' very well), and you won’t feel attracted to them. On the same note, you can perceive someone as being attractive (and capable of fulfilling your needs) and you will classify them as your “type”.
Primarily, this classifying happens subconsciously—you won’t typically think about it while it is happening and you will do it automatically with everyone you meet.—The objective your subconscious tries to achieve through classifying is to narrow down your options to the candidates who can fulfill your needs better than the rest.
Again, whether you are consciously trying to judge people or not, your subconscious will do so for you in order to make your decisions simpler.
Pertaining to dating, there are essentially four categories that you will classify people into who you come in contact with and will generally develop relationships around those categories:
Short-term relationships are relationships that usually fulfill some of your needs, particularly the physical needs. As the name implies, they are short-term; the end is foreseeable. Examples of this type of relationship are sugar daddies/sugar mommas (an individual who is used for their money or skills), or especially a make-out/intimate partner.
Long-term relationships tend to last longer, more is invested in them, and they have greater payoffs over time (e.g. you fulfill more of your needs, especially emotional needs), however, they still take time. Examples of this type of relationship include husband/wife and courting relationships.
Out of League relationships fulfill emotional and mental needs, such as the need to love and to feel excitement; however, they do a poor job at it. Those who are “out of your league” are people who you wish you could form a short or long-term relationship with, but feel as though the chances of that happening are very slim. Over time you lose interest in these people and they slip from your sphere due to lack of contact. Examples of this are your secret crush, or the guy/girl who you suck up to frequently but don’t go anywhere with. [If you’re thinking of a specific person right now, you should consider signing up for my dating coaching services as I can help you with this problem.]
Below League relationships are relationships where you perceive that the individual cannot fulfill your needs. It is the flipside of the above situation; you have someone who you aren’t interested in and who won’t leave you alone; or it could be someone who you just want to be friends with because dating them really wouldn’t fulfill your needs.
As I mentioned earlier, you will come into situations where you have to value your needs and determine between two actions that fulfill different needs. In some situations this can be quite honorable, but in other situations it turns out sad: some people have such a strong emotional need for acceptance and to be loved that they will give up their physical well-being to do so and offer themselves to an individual in a short-term relationship in order to fulfill that need and their physical desire. I call this trading, as usually the individual gives up one need in order to seek after another need.
There is actually a fourth set of needs that not many psychologists mention: Spiritual needs. You have a desire to be connected with God and to be founded on the moral truth. Some people are fooled by Satan into seeking after other “gods” in order to fulfill this need. They will go to great lengths in order to justify their behavior morally when the only true way to fulfill that need is through repentance.
Although this set of needs can only be fulfilled personally, you can develop relationships that help you to fulfill these needs for yourself.
When you are developing relationships, it is important to consider your basic needs: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. You should seek long-term relationships that can potentially fulfill all of those needs.**
-------------------
* I merely use these terms; they are referred to differently by different people and encompass a lot more than the brief description I give of them.
** I devoted this article to the dating application of these principles, but for reference, there are certain situations where short-term relationships are acceptable.
There are three general, basic needs that everyone is trying to fulfill: Physical needs, such as having food, water, shelter, filling your appetite, etc.; Mental needs, such as the using of our mind, the gaining of knowledge, the sense of accomplishment, obtaining a greater understanding of life, etc.; and Emotional needs, such as being happy, loving and being loved, feeling successful, fitting in, etc.
We seek activities and companionships that can fulfill these desires in our everyday life. For instance, we obtain employment in order to gain food, water, and shelter; we have friends so that we can be happy, and we read the newspaper because we wish to gain a greater understanding of life around us.
Of course there are some activities that you will do that fulfill multiple needs all at once; and there are also times where you will have to choose between fulfilling one need or the other but not both. Life is a complex collection of your past and present experiences and your desires for your future. When you are placed in a complicated situation, your mind will engage in a process to simplify the information it is presented with in order to make a decision.
Relating this to dating and mating, your mind makes a complex process (finding someone to enter into a relationship with who will fulfill your physical, mental, and emotional needs), into a simple one.
So, to make your dating and mating life simple, you both consciously and subconsciously classify people.--Ever been hit on by someone you didn’t particularly want to be around? How do you know you don’t want to be around that individual—because you pre-classified them as non-dating material.
The classifications you make become based on various observations of the five senses, especially those related to body-language, and can be based on cognitive associations. For instance, if you perceive someone as 'weird' or 'awkward' when comparing them to the rest of society, you will attach a classification to them that they aren’t your “type” (because they can’t fulfill your basic needs of 'fitting in' very well), and you won’t feel attracted to them. On the same note, you can perceive someone as being attractive (and capable of fulfilling your needs) and you will classify them as your “type”.
Primarily, this classifying happens subconsciously—you won’t typically think about it while it is happening and you will do it automatically with everyone you meet.—The objective your subconscious tries to achieve through classifying is to narrow down your options to the candidates who can fulfill your needs better than the rest.
Again, whether you are consciously trying to judge people or not, your subconscious will do so for you in order to make your decisions simpler.
Pertaining to dating, there are essentially four categories that you will classify people into who you come in contact with and will generally develop relationships around those categories:
- Short-Term
- Long-Term
- Out of League
- Below League*
Short-term relationships are relationships that usually fulfill some of your needs, particularly the physical needs. As the name implies, they are short-term; the end is foreseeable. Examples of this type of relationship are sugar daddies/sugar mommas (an individual who is used for their money or skills), or especially a make-out/intimate partner.
Long-term relationships tend to last longer, more is invested in them, and they have greater payoffs over time (e.g. you fulfill more of your needs, especially emotional needs), however, they still take time. Examples of this type of relationship include husband/wife and courting relationships.
Out of League relationships fulfill emotional and mental needs, such as the need to love and to feel excitement; however, they do a poor job at it. Those who are “out of your league” are people who you wish you could form a short or long-term relationship with, but feel as though the chances of that happening are very slim. Over time you lose interest in these people and they slip from your sphere due to lack of contact. Examples of this are your secret crush, or the guy/girl who you suck up to frequently but don’t go anywhere with. [If you’re thinking of a specific person right now, you should consider signing up for my dating coaching services as I can help you with this problem.]
Below League relationships are relationships where you perceive that the individual cannot fulfill your needs. It is the flipside of the above situation; you have someone who you aren’t interested in and who won’t leave you alone; or it could be someone who you just want to be friends with because dating them really wouldn’t fulfill your needs.
As I mentioned earlier, you will come into situations where you have to value your needs and determine between two actions that fulfill different needs. In some situations this can be quite honorable, but in other situations it turns out sad: some people have such a strong emotional need for acceptance and to be loved that they will give up their physical well-being to do so and offer themselves to an individual in a short-term relationship in order to fulfill that need and their physical desire. I call this trading, as usually the individual gives up one need in order to seek after another need.
There is actually a fourth set of needs that not many psychologists mention: Spiritual needs. You have a desire to be connected with God and to be founded on the moral truth. Some people are fooled by Satan into seeking after other “gods” in order to fulfill this need. They will go to great lengths in order to justify their behavior morally when the only true way to fulfill that need is through repentance.
Although this set of needs can only be fulfilled personally, you can develop relationships that help you to fulfill these needs for yourself.
When you are developing relationships, it is important to consider your basic needs: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. You should seek long-term relationships that can potentially fulfill all of those needs.**
-------------------
* I merely use these terms; they are referred to differently by different people and encompass a lot more than the brief description I give of them.
** I devoted this article to the dating application of these principles, but for reference, there are certain situations where short-term relationships are acceptable.
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