Foundations: Episode 14

Recap: Life is more than merely dating. It is okay, even preferred, that you have a life outside of your dating life. In other words, you don't need to spend every minute of every day focusing on getting a girlfriend or boyfriend, or keeping the one you have already got. Find meaningful things to do with your time and it will be easier for you to find someone who agrees with your lifestyle.

Why you can't change anyone

I realize that a lot of my articles have been about changing yourself in order to fit the needs and wants of your future spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or friends. But today I need to correct what might be a misconception about this topic: The only person that YOU can change, is you.
We all have equal potential to change our lives for the better, some are further in their progression than others, but each of us has the ability to become as benevolent and rich physically, mentally and emotionally as we desire. Why do people fail to obtain the things that they talk so much about wanting? Because, even with the ability to do anything and become anything, there are many who do not tap into their full potential.

Change requires work; it is a very challenging, and progression isn’t easy. The reason why so many people fail to achieve success in this life is because they:

1. Do not work hard enough-- Real growth and progression comes not from the end result, but the process of making a transformation. Eggs do not instantly become chicks, children are not instantly made into adults, and dreams do not fall right into our laps. There are a lot of things that happen “behind the scenes” before the end is reached. Success requires a gradual process, and work is a necessary component in achieving the things we desire most. No one can put in the work for you; no one cares enough about your success to do it for you, you need to do all of the hard work by yourself.
   Once you decide that you want to have an amazing relationship for the rest of your life, you still need to put in the work and make an effort to obtain that relationship.
2. Do not make the right sacrifices-- Sacrifices are only sacrifices when something is put on the line or given up. Ideally, sacrifices are designed so that when you give up one thing, you receive a better thing in its place, but not all sacrifices work out that way. When you sacrifice the wrong thing, you don’t get any closer to the thing you ultimately want to have. True too, when you give up something that isn’t really of worth to you, then you really aren’t sacrificing and won’t make any progress either.
   Selfishness is a natural part of every one of us, and it is often this character trait that we must sacrifice in order to reach our goals and dreams--particularly when those dreams involve relationships with other people.
3. Aren’t working towards anything--To reach success, you need to have a well-defined idea of what success is. What is it that you are working towards? What do you want to accomplish? If you can’t answer that question, then you are left at a standstill--you are left like the sailor who has no heading and with no heading, it doesn’t matter which direction you go, you still won’t get any closer.
   With relationships, you need to understand what it is that you want out of a relationship. What needs do you have to fulfill? At what point in the relationship will you feel you have reached success?

Just like no one can do the work for you, you can’t do the work for someone else. Any sacrifices that others make are sacrifices for themselves and not for you. And even if other people share your goals and dreams, until YOU reach those goals and dreams, you haven’t obtained success--they may have, but you haven’t.

Now, let me throw in some additional insights that were hidden in what I just told you:

1. relationships are work. They are never-ending, because the moment that you stop working on improving your relationship is the moment it becomes stagnant and falls apart.
2. It requires work on both sides. If one of you doesn’t put forth an effort then it will fall apart, no matter how hard the other person works to save it.
3. You can’t expect people to make sacrifices for you. –This goes two ways: you can’t expect them to sacrifice in your behalf, because as I already explained, that doesn’t work. You also can’t expect them to make sacrifices to have you without you making equal sacrifices for them. Purely one-sided relationships don’t work…there is no such thing as 100/0 relationship.—that isn’t a relationship, it’s one person pushing things on the other person.
4. Your goals are YOUR goals. When you get into a relationship with someone, there might come a point where you have gone above and beyond their expectations—you fulfilled their goals and dreams. But at that moment, they may not have quite fulfilled your goals and dreams yet. You can look at this in two ways: A) It would be easier for you to find someone who has equal expectations and goals and dreams, because then you will both feel you have achieved success and fulfillment at the same time. Or B) you could look at that and say: just because he or she is satisfied doesn’t mean that I am, and -I- need to put in more work and sacrifice more in order to get there. If #2 is the case, then you need to be upfront with the other person the moment that you realize that they are “over-satisfied”. You need to talk to them about where you would still like the relationship to go and see what trade-offs can be made in order to reach that point. This sounds contrary to what I mentioned previously, but they may need to sacrifice a little more in order to continue having you—to balance your relationship out.
   
5. Relationships must clearly take time to build. Anything that requires work, sacrifice, and goals/dreams/or plans will take a lot of time in order to come true. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” it took a lot of work, sacrifice, and planning to become what it ultimately became, and when that pattern of work, planning and sacrifice became corrupted, it fell.

You don't have to play "The Game"

I have received a few questions about this recently, so I feel like for this fifth Sunday post, I will address this topic. Typically people will ask me something about how they are performing when playing “the game” and why they aren’t “winning” the game, why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are so skilled at having fun times with other people. Let me first make a statement that I think you will grow to appreciate: “Playing games is for kids” and when you’re an adult, you don’t play the same games as you did when you were younger.

What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.

If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.

“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.

With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.

So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.

1. Real Relationships are Honest –You can’t lie about yourself, your talents, or your situation or when he or she starts to question you, these things will be brought up, and he or she won’t trust you, will re-decide and will probably determine that they don’t like you, and he or she may not want to marry you. If you’re poor, don’t say you’re rich. If you’re not good at something, don’t say that you are. If you don’t like pets, and he or she does, don’t tell him or her that you like them, and don’t do the same with kids. How could you ever expect to plan your lives together if he or she doesn’t know what your life is really like?
   Also, when you can be honest, you can tell the other person that you like them and have no worries about them trusting you. A pattern of honesty is worth more than an action of statement—you can show someone you love them better by being honest with them and telling them that you love them, rather than buying them flowers or gifts and being dishonest on occasion.
2. Real Relationships Balance Flirting. –When you flirt too much and don’t have ‘serious time’, your relationship can’t progress. You need to have serious moments now and again where you have the time to talk about making life plans together. Relationships are not fun and “games”. They have exciting times, sure, but they are primarily serious. Don’t think of relationships as hobbies or things you do for entertainment, going out to meet people, although fun, still needs to lead to a serious relationship. This is precisely why I have always discouraged short-term relationships: they do not teach you how to have lasting, serious relationships.
3. Real Relationships are Prepared to Advance -- When you get married, what are your plans? When you begin to court someone, where would you like it to lead? When you date someone, do you plan on eventually having a long-term relationship with them, or a short-term relationship? When you go out looking for guys or girls to hit on, are you doing it for fun, or are you doing it because you want a relationship? Before you take any interest in dating someone, you should be comfortable with what comes next: a relationship. And when you enter into a relationship, you should be comfortable with what comes next: an exclusive relationship/courting. These things lead up to each other, and if you have no intentions of advancing into the next area or you are incapable of doing so (maybe you aren’t ready for commitment, or you have other things you need to work out), then you will not be able to progress, and you shouldn’t attempt to until you are ready. That is called "leading people on".
   If you are in a relationship, it will reach a standstill, if you are dating people, none of them will develop into courtships, or if you hit on someone it won’t ever reach the next stage: a date. Start by preparing yourself and everything else will fall into place.
4. Real relationships are not political-—I could not think of a better way to put this. There aren’t any politics behind real relationships. You don’t need to make the other person feel like you are their best chance in life because you are in high demand and all the boys or girls want you (reread #2). You don’t need to prove anything to him or her that you are the perfect match (reread #1). You don’t need to use spite against them when they decide not to advance with you; if your relationship ends, or you stop dating, or you don’t even get a first date, who cares? Trying to get back at them will not help you, in fact it will only hurt them and…“what goes around comes around”—You will get hurt more than anything you could do to them. You do not need to one-up them, or score on them to get more points than they do. Dating is not a game!
   
   It is when two mature individuals decide to work out their differences that they decide to get married. If marriage is your goal, then you should stop acting like dating is just a fun thing you do for entertainment and hoping that one day you will marry a husband or wife who will keep you entertained every day for the rest of your life. Instead, you should start acting like dating is part of a larger goal that you are working towards, and that you want it to be the best it can be.

Being the Right Person

Although I have referenced one article on my blog more than any other, I don’t feel I covered the topic as sufficiently as I should. If you are an avid reader of my articles you’ll know just how true this statement is: In order to find the right person, you need to be the right person for him or her. There are no substitutes for personal development—if you want to marry someone amazing, you will have to be their equal: Amazing. If you want to come home every night to someone who will take care of you, comfort you when you are down, and provide for your needs, then you too will have to take care of them, comfort them when they are down, and provide for their needs. No amount of seduction or manipulation can convince your ideal person to marry you.

The interactions you receive from other people are directly related to your own personality and present state. It is not uncommon for people to complain about others, and the way that they act, and yet those doing the complaining are also the ones with the biggest problems in that area. In other words, the old saying is true: “we hate the things in others that we really hate in ourselves.” Most of the flaws that we see in other people are flaws that we ourselves have. This comes in two forms: either we fail to see our own flaws and attribute them in other people, or we create those flaws in other people by carrying them ourselves. The latter occurs when we manifest a flaw and others see it as acceptable behavior (subconsciously, mind you) and they begin to mimic our behavior when they communicate with us.
Take for instance when we claim that another individual is stubborn; that person will refuse to back down from their own beliefs and agendas, yet we fail to realize that we too fail to back down from our own. We are so preoccupied by the fact that the other person just wants things their way, that we don’t realize that we just want things OUR way as well.

Another good example (although inverted) of this is a positive person; this does not just work in one direction after all. When we are positive, other people around us tend to be a little more positive as well. When we are hopeful for a bright future, others will desire to share in that future. When we are happy, other people want to be happy as well. Yes, there are negative people in this world who simply cannot get over their negativity, but such people are the rare occurrences that burden our mind and drag us down to where we don’t see the other examples; the ones of people who become positive when we are positive. Another old saying comes to mind: “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy.”

When we can find our own flaws and learn to deal with and correct them, we will begin to have a greater appreciation and respect for other individuals. It is this form of respect that can cause us to look beyond the flaws in other people, a guy or girl, and take a liking to them. If they too have developed this respect, it will be easy for the two of you to fall in love with one another. When you see the flaws in each other, you will realize that you are both striving to improve on yourselves and that one day these flaws will be replaced by others.





To make it easier for others to have that respect for you, you should develop yourself so that you are compatible with the type of person you wish to marry. No two people are the same, and no two people fall into the same category. If you wish to marry someone who has money, you need to learn the attributes that such an individual appreciates, such as frugality, or a wealthy taste. If you have no idea what it means to save money, or you have no clue what the difference in class is between a Volvo and a Corvette, then you need to develop those skills and attributes. Another good example is the level of spirituality: if you want to marry someone who is VERY spiritual, then you had better know the scriptures equally well, and attend church every Sunday, because “very spiritual” individuals have learned to value those specific things.

No one said getting married was easy; “it will be the hardest decision you ever make.” But more important than the actual decision is the processes which you take to prepare yourself for marriage. If you are not ready physically, mentally, or emotionally for marriage then you should focus on preparing yourself in that manner first.
I appreciate the question posed in a famous movie “What is the point of worry about your beard, while your head is going to be taken?” the story behind this question refers to a community threatened by war. The wise elder of the community points out to the leader of their bunch that they are focusing too much on the unimportant aspects of their lives while there are more important matters to resolve first.
It is very true that you will need to grow up and become a man or woman before you can marry a man or woman. Learning all of the intricate ways in which you can attract a man or woman is not going to help you if you have not developed yourself sufficiently to proceed with that attraction. Too many people assume that finding the right person to marry is all about finding him or her. They assume that the reason why they are not having success is because the right person hasn’t come along yet. –-This is a grave error; one which you could devote your whole life to searching for the perfect person for you, and one in which most people who do eventually get married after succumbing to the exhaustion of their search. They settle for someone who they determine to make things work with, only because they have resolved that there is no “perfect” person out there for them to marry.

Being the right person for the right person entails developing yourself so that you are exactly what some other poor, lonely person is looking for. The beauty of developing yourself in such a manner is that it empowers you and gives you a greater selection of people to choose from. Most people of the opposite sex share the same or similar ideals about what the “perfect” husband or wife entails. By developing these attributes, you will automatically pass their hardest criteria and win their hearts. You will then be in a position in which you may choose the best candidate for you to pair off with; you will not have to merely take whatever is offered to you.