Happy Single's Day/Valentine's Day Everyone!
If you're single, and wouldn't like to be, from now until March 7th I will be offering a 25% discount on my 8-week coaching program!
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Monday, February 14, 2011
7 Ways to Improve Your Self Esteem
This is a special post for a special day. I've developed my first ever video article on 7 ways to improve your self-esteem. Whether you're single or in a relationship, this article can help you; and if you're new to my website, be sure to check out my other articles.
Happy Single's Day/Valentine's Day Everyone!
If you're single, and wouldn't like to be, from now until March 7th I will be offering a 25% discount on my 8-week coaching program!
Happy Single's Day/Valentine's Day Everyone!
If you're single, and wouldn't like to be, from now until March 7th I will be offering a 25% discount on my 8-week coaching program!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
How to not waste time and simply advance with good relationships
In October I wrote an article that I wanted to expand on: ”Don’t Give Up, Relationships Take Time”
As is evident by the title, relationships take time to develop. How do you equate time into a relationship?
There are essentially two types of relationships: short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
In a short-term relationship, it is expected by one or both parties that the two individuals will not be sticking around over time. That means that either they will be moving away or they don’t necessarily care about remaining in contact.
Certain businesses maintain short-term relationships in which the sale is for a one-time purchase, such as a real estate agent. They remain in close contact with you until they sell your property and then they leave after getting paid. Or perhaps you’ve worked on a group project before but you had no desire to remain in contact with the rest of your group after the project was finished.—Both are examples of respectable short-term relationships.
Long-term relationships are relationships that are intended to last forever—although that isn’t always the case. There are many things that can cause a long-term relationship to end; one big cause of a dead relationship is the lack of time or effort devoted to it. In order to maintain a long-term relationship, you will need to constantly devote time and energy to the other person. When you fail to contribute time to the relationship, instead of being a long-term relationship, it will end unintentionally premature, or merely as a short-term relationship.
There are essentially three states to every long and short relationship: dead, alive, and doing great! Dead relationships are non-existent; they’re in a state similar to those that you don’t have relationships with. Relationships that are alive are barely better than the ones that are dead. You might have a reasonable reason for this, such as the geographic distance, but in essence, just because a relationship is alive doesn’t mean you can necessarily rely on that individual to be around when you need them. Relationships that are “doing great” are the best kinds of relationships; they are close enough to you that you can count on them and you trust them—but they also take the most time and devotion. The relationships that you enjoy the most are the ones that are “doing great” and the ones that you have problems with frequently are the ones that are just “alive”.
Again: Relationships take constant time and nurturing to stay alive.
Back to the initial question posed at the beginning of this article, “How do you equate time into a relationship?” The following are a few good ideas to keep your relationships alive, to resuscitate a dead relationship, and to jolt your current relationships to make them better:
Last of all, the best tactic you can use to keep your relationships alive and growing closer together with the rest of them is to be thankful. Watch for opportunities to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them. No one has an unlimited amount of time to devote to all the people they care about, but expressing thanks can go a long way for the time that you can’t spend together.
If you want to have friends or if you want to have a relationship with someone, whether it’s with your family or some guy or girl you like, you will need to devote time to the relationship if you want it to succeed, and if you want a better relationship with someone, just try any of the above.
As is evident by the title, relationships take time to develop. How do you equate time into a relationship?
There are essentially two types of relationships: short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
In a short-term relationship, it is expected by one or both parties that the two individuals will not be sticking around over time. That means that either they will be moving away or they don’t necessarily care about remaining in contact.
Certain businesses maintain short-term relationships in which the sale is for a one-time purchase, such as a real estate agent. They remain in close contact with you until they sell your property and then they leave after getting paid. Or perhaps you’ve worked on a group project before but you had no desire to remain in contact with the rest of your group after the project was finished.—Both are examples of respectable short-term relationships.
Long-term relationships are relationships that are intended to last forever—although that isn’t always the case. There are many things that can cause a long-term relationship to end; one big cause of a dead relationship is the lack of time or effort devoted to it. In order to maintain a long-term relationship, you will need to constantly devote time and energy to the other person. When you fail to contribute time to the relationship, instead of being a long-term relationship, it will end unintentionally premature, or merely as a short-term relationship.
There are essentially three states to every long and short relationship: dead, alive, and doing great! Dead relationships are non-existent; they’re in a state similar to those that you don’t have relationships with. Relationships that are alive are barely better than the ones that are dead. You might have a reasonable reason for this, such as the geographic distance, but in essence, just because a relationship is alive doesn’t mean you can necessarily rely on that individual to be around when you need them. Relationships that are “doing great” are the best kinds of relationships; they are close enough to you that you can count on them and you trust them—but they also take the most time and devotion. The relationships that you enjoy the most are the ones that are “doing great” and the ones that you have problems with frequently are the ones that are just “alive”.
Again: Relationships take constant time and nurturing to stay alive.
Back to the initial question posed at the beginning of this article, “How do you equate time into a relationship?” The following are a few good ideas to keep your relationships alive, to resuscitate a dead relationship, and to jolt your current relationships to make them better:
- An email or other message
- Electronic messages are casual ways to stay in contact with people. If you haven’t talked to someone in a while that you would like to, sending a brief message lets them know that they are on your mind.
- A text message
- Try sending a brief text message to start up a conversation with an old friend. If they don’t have time to talk, or they don’t feel like talking to you then you won’t intrude on them or make matters worse when they don’t respond back.
- A thoughtful card or letter
- With the holidays happening this month, now is an excellent time to send a card to your old friends or romantic interests. This is a non-intrusive way to revive old friendships or to keep them alive.
- A phone call
- Phone calls are one of the easiest ways to boost your current relationships. They can also keep relationships alive that are barely afloat. However, you should be cautious about making phone calls during times that the other person is busy. Making too many phone calls can also become annoying or burdensome on the other person.
- A date
- Depending on circumstances, asking someone on a date can really boost your standing with them. Surprisingly, most people are not asked on dates as frequently as they would like. Be careful with this as not everyone will want to go on a date with you when you first ask them. Simply put, if you continually find yourself asking a specific person on a date and he or she turns you down, there is a significant likelihood that he or she doesn’t want to go on a date with you.
- A trip/vacation together
- Later on in a relationship, it is appropriate for you to go on a trip with the other person (camping trip, road trip, cruise, etc.). This is a good time to bond because of how lengthy it is; however, it also takes a lot of commitment. You might be able to convince an old friend of yours who you haven’t seen in ages to come with you on a cruise or getaway, but don’t get your hopes up about going on a trip with someone who your relationship with is completely dead. (though you might luck out at the prospect of paying for their way. If you do try something like this, you will need to watch out for freeloaders, as they usually aren’t that fun to have a relationship with.)
Last of all, the best tactic you can use to keep your relationships alive and growing closer together with the rest of them is to be thankful. Watch for opportunities to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them. No one has an unlimited amount of time to devote to all the people they care about, but expressing thanks can go a long way for the time that you can’t spend together.
If you want to have friends or if you want to have a relationship with someone, whether it’s with your family or some guy or girl you like, you will need to devote time to the relationship if you want it to succeed, and if you want a better relationship with someone, just try any of the above.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
How to set reasonable Goals
Often times it seems like there is a disconnection between the things people want from life and the way they think life will happen for them. These two things can be summarized with the words: Goals and Plans. Plans are different from goals. Goals are objectives or targets that you are aiming for; they are what you want from life. Plans are the methods you will use to reach those goals, and plans are the way you think life will happen for you.
If your plans are not reasonable, you will have a hard time accomplishing your goals. If your goals are not reasonable, you will either never achieve them, or you will sacrifice too much to obtain them.
What makes a goal unreasonable? Two things can make a goal unreasonable: 1) it conflicts with other goals. 2) It isn’t what you really want.
If you have too many goals, you might find that some of them are conflicting—you might need to sacrifice one in order to get the other, or you might have to postpone one for the other. Goals that conflict with other goals are too narrow or too broad; they fail to take into consideration your other wants and needs. If they are too broad, when you have conflicts you will prioritize the other goals. –At first I said that this makes a goal unreasonable; this is not entirely true. The goal is not unreasonable until it becomes impossible for you to do both.
Again, if you are willing to postpone one goal for another, then your goal is still somewhat reasonable as long as you can still accomplish both. However, you need to be cautious because no one can see into the future. While trading stocks in the stock market a person can both sell too early and sell too late.—sometimes when we choose to postpone our goals we miss out on the best possible moment for them or we postpone our goals only to discover that they are outdated or too challenging later in life.
Take for instance climbing Mount Everest; a person might postpone their goal of climbing and then get in a car accident that paralyzes them from the waist down. Or they might postpone their goal of climbing only to grow too old to climb. Had they gone they would have had meaningful experiences to draw on during the hard times of their life.
When you set a goal, you also need to be attached to that goal. Long-term goals take time and devotion, and if you don’t truly want that goal, you won’t feel motivated to accomplish it. Even if you do manage to accomplish that goal, it will not bring you satisfaction. You cannot set goals just because other people want you to do things; you will need to set goals that you want to reach. If not, in the end, they will not bring you the satisfaction that you want for all the work that you do. Or, when the trials and the challenges to accomplishing your goal kick in, you will have a worse time bearing through those challenges than if it were a goal you were attached to.
Having a goal is still better than not having any goals, but what really counts is the plans that you make in order to accomplish those goals. There is a good saying for this: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Failure happens when you don’t succeed at your goals. No one wants to fail; in fact, most people have a fear of failure. Even when you have reasonable goals, if you try to accomplish those goals in an indirect way, you may fail. For instance, you might have a reasonable goal to cook a good meal every day of the week but fail to plan correctly by not purchasing the ingredients necessary or allowing yourself enough time in your schedule to cook.—you could have reached that goal if you had made better plans.
What makes a good plan? A good plan is detailed, specific, and direct. A good plan includes how you will prepare, how you will execute it, and how you will track your progress, as well what steps you will take in case you are not on schedule (plan b). In the cooking example, in order to have a good plan, you would need to have all your ingredients, decide on what meals you will cook and how long they will take to make, and you might want to have a back-up plan of something simple to make in case you are running behind schedule or you misplace one of your ingredients.
After you have a good goal and a good plan, you need to ask yourself one last time what the big picture is:
If you compare this goal to your other goals, which would you rather do? Do they have any immediate conflicts? What steps might you have to take in order to accomplish both goals on time? Are you willing to prioritize one goal over the other when conflicts arise? Will it be worth it still if you have to prioritize it over your other goals?
The ultimate “big picture” question is whether there is another goal that supersedes this goal. If you want to quit eating out because it’s expensive, a better goal would be to manage all of your finances—it may be possible for you to still eat out whenever you like, for instance, if you’d stop buying candy and pop at the gas station.
With an understanding of how to set reasonable goals and plans, you will be more successful in life and gain a greater satisfaction for accomplishing things. These goals will help you get what you want out of life and you will have a good understanding of how they will happen for you.
Now is a good time for you to re-evaluate your present goals and plans for the big areas of your life: career, school, family, marriage and spiritual. Are there any conflicts? Which is more important to you? If you postpone either of them, will you still be able to do them later? Will it be unnecessarily harder?
In the end, is it likely that things will turn out the way you expect them to? What do you need to do today in order to prepare to meet your goals?
If your plans are not reasonable, you will have a hard time accomplishing your goals. If your goals are not reasonable, you will either never achieve them, or you will sacrifice too much to obtain them.
What makes a goal unreasonable? Two things can make a goal unreasonable: 1) it conflicts with other goals. 2) It isn’t what you really want.
If you have too many goals, you might find that some of them are conflicting—you might need to sacrifice one in order to get the other, or you might have to postpone one for the other. Goals that conflict with other goals are too narrow or too broad; they fail to take into consideration your other wants and needs. If they are too broad, when you have conflicts you will prioritize the other goals. –At first I said that this makes a goal unreasonable; this is not entirely true. The goal is not unreasonable until it becomes impossible for you to do both.
Again, if you are willing to postpone one goal for another, then your goal is still somewhat reasonable as long as you can still accomplish both. However, you need to be cautious because no one can see into the future. While trading stocks in the stock market a person can both sell too early and sell too late.—sometimes when we choose to postpone our goals we miss out on the best possible moment for them or we postpone our goals only to discover that they are outdated or too challenging later in life.
Take for instance climbing Mount Everest; a person might postpone their goal of climbing and then get in a car accident that paralyzes them from the waist down. Or they might postpone their goal of climbing only to grow too old to climb. Had they gone they would have had meaningful experiences to draw on during the hard times of their life.
When you set a goal, you also need to be attached to that goal. Long-term goals take time and devotion, and if you don’t truly want that goal, you won’t feel motivated to accomplish it. Even if you do manage to accomplish that goal, it will not bring you satisfaction. You cannot set goals just because other people want you to do things; you will need to set goals that you want to reach. If not, in the end, they will not bring you the satisfaction that you want for all the work that you do. Or, when the trials and the challenges to accomplishing your goal kick in, you will have a worse time bearing through those challenges than if it were a goal you were attached to.
Having a goal is still better than not having any goals, but what really counts is the plans that you make in order to accomplish those goals. There is a good saying for this: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Failure happens when you don’t succeed at your goals. No one wants to fail; in fact, most people have a fear of failure. Even when you have reasonable goals, if you try to accomplish those goals in an indirect way, you may fail. For instance, you might have a reasonable goal to cook a good meal every day of the week but fail to plan correctly by not purchasing the ingredients necessary or allowing yourself enough time in your schedule to cook.—you could have reached that goal if you had made better plans.
What makes a good plan? A good plan is detailed, specific, and direct. A good plan includes how you will prepare, how you will execute it, and how you will track your progress, as well what steps you will take in case you are not on schedule (plan b). In the cooking example, in order to have a good plan, you would need to have all your ingredients, decide on what meals you will cook and how long they will take to make, and you might want to have a back-up plan of something simple to make in case you are running behind schedule or you misplace one of your ingredients.
After you have a good goal and a good plan, you need to ask yourself one last time what the big picture is:
- Why do you want to accomplish this goal?
- How much of a priority is it and how much are you willing to sacrifice for it?
- And is there another goal that would be better to work towards?
If you compare this goal to your other goals, which would you rather do? Do they have any immediate conflicts? What steps might you have to take in order to accomplish both goals on time? Are you willing to prioritize one goal over the other when conflicts arise? Will it be worth it still if you have to prioritize it over your other goals?
The ultimate “big picture” question is whether there is another goal that supersedes this goal. If you want to quit eating out because it’s expensive, a better goal would be to manage all of your finances—it may be possible for you to still eat out whenever you like, for instance, if you’d stop buying candy and pop at the gas station.
With an understanding of how to set reasonable goals and plans, you will be more successful in life and gain a greater satisfaction for accomplishing things. These goals will help you get what you want out of life and you will have a good understanding of how they will happen for you.
Now is a good time for you to re-evaluate your present goals and plans for the big areas of your life: career, school, family, marriage and spiritual. Are there any conflicts? Which is more important to you? If you postpone either of them, will you still be able to do them later? Will it be unnecessarily harder?
In the end, is it likely that things will turn out the way you expect them to? What do you need to do today in order to prepare to meet your goals?
Saturday, September 4, 2010
How to Attract the Right Person
I recently updated this article to go into better depth of what the original topic was. You can find the new article here.
Imagine going to the ice cream parlor to buy some ice cream, only to be told when you get there that your favorite flavor is sold out, forcing you to buy the next closest thing.
Looking for the right person to marry is like that.
There is no such thing as “one true love” or a “soul mate”; these are romanticized terms to make you feel better about your situation and give you a false hope that there is someone specific out there waiting for you.—On the contrary, you are capable of marrying anyone you choose, just like you are capable of eating every flavor of ice cream (food allergies aside). With love, there isn’t such a thing as destiny or fate, nothing is pre-decided beforehand that you will meet, let alone marry, the perfect person for you. You will marry the person you choose to marry, regardless of whether they are the best thing for your life or not.
However, because it is your choice, you may set certain criteria that you wish your future spouse to possess. This is what I want to theme today’s article around.
If you could take a look at your life, taking note of all the people you come in contact with every day and the people you know personally and how you know them, where you met, how good of a relationship you have with them, etc. You will have a general idea of what your “sphere” is. These are the networks you are connected to as well as the people who go to the same places you do and are likely interested in some of the same things you are.
Your sphere is all of the people who you could build a relationship with if you chose to. Out of that “sphere” about half of the people are ineligible for you to date based on sexual orientation. Depending on where you live, there are still plenty of people in your sphere who you could date and build a relationship with. Think of your sphere as the ice cream store which has many different flavors, toppings, and options.
In the ice cream story, you were faced with a dilemma, you left your house expecting to buy your favorite flavor but that flavor was sold out. Before we cover the dilemma, how do you know what your favorite flavor is? Perhaps you have tasted it in the past and enjoyed it. Maybe you’ve had something similar to it and you enjoy anything of that flavor. Maybe you know what you don’t want your ice cream to taste like and your favorite ice cream is the one that is completely opposite.
Relating this to finding your future spouse, how do you know what you’re looking for if you don’t have some sort of criteria or preference? Take out a piece of paper (or since most of you are on the internet, open up a document) and write down a list of criteria that you want for your future spouse, these can be things you want and things you know you don’t want.
Is the list very long? –Many people share this common list: Devoted to God, honest, trustworthy, successful, and attractive. ---Hold on, what does that mean? How do you plan on determining if someone is trustworthy? How can you find out if someone is honest or devoted to God? Do you plan on following your girlfriend around everywhere to see if she returns that extra change that the cashier gave her? Are you going to take notes on how many commandments your boyfriend breaks? How about people you don’t know but who are in your sphere, how can you tell if they are trustworthy without giving them a little bit of trust first and risking them breaking that trust?
Rewrite you list now, but write more specific things down that you could reasonably gage without being a creeper. I would recommend basing them around goals that you are working towards as well as your values and lifestyle. For instance, if all you want to do is be a stay at home mom with lots of kids, you could write that your husband better want to have a lot of kids as well and that he’ll have a better career than working at subway his whole life so that he can support your family. If you have a goal of owning and running your own restaurant, you’ll want a wife who will either support your business in some way by helping out with one of the business aspects, or who will support you for running the business. Perhaps you know that you don’t want to marry someone who is in the military because of the stress it has put on your present family for having a father or brother who is serving. Maybe you don’t want to marry someone who drinks or smokes or someone who doesn’t take life seriously. Write these things down.
This exercise is meant to help you describe what your ideal partner is like. In the ice cream analogy this is your favorite flavor.
When you go to the ice cream store you go with the intent on purchasing your favorite flavor with all the right toppings and served as a milkshake or in a bowl or cone. When you start looking for someone to marry, you might discover that there is no one who perfectly fits your criteria within your sphere. (the dilemma) That is okay and merely means that you either need to expand your sphere and branch out in order to discover the people who are like that (perhaps you don’t know enough people), or you need to settle on the flavor that is most similar to what you are looking for (perhaps your criteria is too strict). Again, it is perfectly fine to run into this problem. On the other hand, you may find it easy to fill your criteria, just be sure to get the most out of what you want in life (don’t be too general unless it is honestly what you want).
The second part to finding the right person to marry is a little more complex than choosing ice cream at the store. Now that you have an idea of what you are looking for, you need to switch places with that person. Get inside their shoes: what types of things do THEY like and are looking for in a spouse? It would be nice if we could put as our number one criteria: “they will love me for who I am”. But what is essentially being said by that statement is that you aren’t going to change in order to help them with their life or to help them to love you. Selfish relationships rarely last—if they can even get off the ground to begin with!
The important precept to understand is that “you need to be the right person for the right person.” Don’t think things are automatically going to fall in your lap and be easy. Remember that there is no such thing as destiny or fate, everything is your choice and if you want something out of life, you will have to work for it. If you become the right person for your right person, the hardest part will be over. –It will be easy to convince him or her to marry you because both of your lives will fit together perfectly.
As time goes on, you change and your likes and dislikes change as well, be sure to update your list of what you are looking for. At the same time, strive to become the kind of person that your future husband or wife will easily fall in love with and it will make finding the right person a lot easier.
Imagine going to the ice cream parlor to buy some ice cream, only to be told when you get there that your favorite flavor is sold out, forcing you to buy the next closest thing.
Looking for the right person to marry is like that.
There is no such thing as “one true love” or a “soul mate”; these are romanticized terms to make you feel better about your situation and give you a false hope that there is someone specific out there waiting for you.—On the contrary, you are capable of marrying anyone you choose, just like you are capable of eating every flavor of ice cream (food allergies aside). With love, there isn’t such a thing as destiny or fate, nothing is pre-decided beforehand that you will meet, let alone marry, the perfect person for you. You will marry the person you choose to marry, regardless of whether they are the best thing for your life or not.
However, because it is your choice, you may set certain criteria that you wish your future spouse to possess. This is what I want to theme today’s article around.
If you could take a look at your life, taking note of all the people you come in contact with every day and the people you know personally and how you know them, where you met, how good of a relationship you have with them, etc. You will have a general idea of what your “sphere” is. These are the networks you are connected to as well as the people who go to the same places you do and are likely interested in some of the same things you are.
Your sphere is all of the people who you could build a relationship with if you chose to. Out of that “sphere” about half of the people are ineligible for you to date based on sexual orientation. Depending on where you live, there are still plenty of people in your sphere who you could date and build a relationship with. Think of your sphere as the ice cream store which has many different flavors, toppings, and options.
In the ice cream story, you were faced with a dilemma, you left your house expecting to buy your favorite flavor but that flavor was sold out. Before we cover the dilemma, how do you know what your favorite flavor is? Perhaps you have tasted it in the past and enjoyed it. Maybe you’ve had something similar to it and you enjoy anything of that flavor. Maybe you know what you don’t want your ice cream to taste like and your favorite ice cream is the one that is completely opposite.
Relating this to finding your future spouse, how do you know what you’re looking for if you don’t have some sort of criteria or preference? Take out a piece of paper (or since most of you are on the internet, open up a document) and write down a list of criteria that you want for your future spouse, these can be things you want and things you know you don’t want.
Is the list very long? –Many people share this common list: Devoted to God, honest, trustworthy, successful, and attractive. ---Hold on, what does that mean? How do you plan on determining if someone is trustworthy? How can you find out if someone is honest or devoted to God? Do you plan on following your girlfriend around everywhere to see if she returns that extra change that the cashier gave her? Are you going to take notes on how many commandments your boyfriend breaks? How about people you don’t know but who are in your sphere, how can you tell if they are trustworthy without giving them a little bit of trust first and risking them breaking that trust?
Rewrite you list now, but write more specific things down that you could reasonably gage without being a creeper. I would recommend basing them around goals that you are working towards as well as your values and lifestyle. For instance, if all you want to do is be a stay at home mom with lots of kids, you could write that your husband better want to have a lot of kids as well and that he’ll have a better career than working at subway his whole life so that he can support your family. If you have a goal of owning and running your own restaurant, you’ll want a wife who will either support your business in some way by helping out with one of the business aspects, or who will support you for running the business. Perhaps you know that you don’t want to marry someone who is in the military because of the stress it has put on your present family for having a father or brother who is serving. Maybe you don’t want to marry someone who drinks or smokes or someone who doesn’t take life seriously. Write these things down.
This exercise is meant to help you describe what your ideal partner is like. In the ice cream analogy this is your favorite flavor.
When you go to the ice cream store you go with the intent on purchasing your favorite flavor with all the right toppings and served as a milkshake or in a bowl or cone. When you start looking for someone to marry, you might discover that there is no one who perfectly fits your criteria within your sphere. (the dilemma) That is okay and merely means that you either need to expand your sphere and branch out in order to discover the people who are like that (perhaps you don’t know enough people), or you need to settle on the flavor that is most similar to what you are looking for (perhaps your criteria is too strict). Again, it is perfectly fine to run into this problem. On the other hand, you may find it easy to fill your criteria, just be sure to get the most out of what you want in life (don’t be too general unless it is honestly what you want).
The second part to finding the right person to marry is a little more complex than choosing ice cream at the store. Now that you have an idea of what you are looking for, you need to switch places with that person. Get inside their shoes: what types of things do THEY like and are looking for in a spouse? It would be nice if we could put as our number one criteria: “they will love me for who I am”. But what is essentially being said by that statement is that you aren’t going to change in order to help them with their life or to help them to love you. Selfish relationships rarely last—if they can even get off the ground to begin with!
The important precept to understand is that “you need to be the right person for the right person.” Don’t think things are automatically going to fall in your lap and be easy. Remember that there is no such thing as destiny or fate, everything is your choice and if you want something out of life, you will have to work for it. If you become the right person for your right person, the hardest part will be over. –It will be easy to convince him or her to marry you because both of your lives will fit together perfectly.
As time goes on, you change and your likes and dislikes change as well, be sure to update your list of what you are looking for. At the same time, strive to become the kind of person that your future husband or wife will easily fall in love with and it will make finding the right person a lot easier.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tricks for Having a Good Self Esteem
One of the most important possessions you can own is a healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem, known by several names, is defined as how you perceive yourself. If you have a high self-esteem that would mean that you value yourself very well. Some people use the term self-worth. If you have a low self-worth, you feel like you aren’t worth very much in the world.
A healthy self-esteem is one in which you are comfortable with whatever life throws at you. You are generally positive, and you respect other people. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are not ashamed of yourself or the things you have no control over, but you enjoy yourself the way you are. People with healthy self-esteems are more confident, less prone to sudden emotional shifts, and have a greater sense of fulfillment with their lives.
You might notice how often the word “self” comes up when describing self-esteem. This is because it relates to who you are as an individual. It also affects every aspect of your life. Let me repeat that: The way your perceive yourself affects every aspect of your life. This is very important because the area in which it has most effect is that of the social relationships that you establish.
If you have a poor self-esteem you will do one of two things: be embarrassed, shy, or awkward when around other people, or you will mistreat other people. I will explain both of these tendencies, but before I do I need to establish an eternal principle:
God created all of us equally; we all have the same potential, we can all obtain the same things in life if we choose. God also created each of us uniquely; no one is exactly the same as someone else. This is where difference comes from. Some people might have challenges with a task that another individual might find relatively easy. That is perfectly okay. You will eventually find in life that although there are certain individuals who are amazing bicyclists, each one of them fell many times before they were able to ride on their own. –Each one of them was once at a level where you are now, but because of hard work and determination it comes easy for them now.
People with low self-esteem might feel awkward or shy or embarrassed when they are around other people who they think are superior to them. Although it is a natural response, it can be overcome. Feelings of inadequacy always come from Satan. He will always try to make you feel miserable. When you have a low self-esteem it can easily prevent you from making friends and finding happiness with those friends.
There is an interesting effect in life which has been portrayed by Hyrum Smith, the motivational speaker, which he describes as “The Crab Theory”. The theory goes like this: if you put two equal, lowly crabs in a box, one will try to climb out, will make it nearly to the top, and then the other crab will climb up to pull it back down into the box. Neither crab will escape from the box. The same is true with people who have a low self-worth. This too is caused by Satan; he wants you to be miserable like he is.
Some people who have a low self-esteem will try to drag you down in order to make you equal or inferior to them. I’m sure everyone has experienced this before. The truth is that when you engage in put-downs or jealousy or revenge, or whatever name you would like to call it, you will never be superior. This is caused by what I call the downer cycle: When you bring somebody down, Satan will make you feel even worse about yourself. While the person you just brought down might be at the level you are, you will eventually feel worse about yourself than you did before and be lower than they are. This is a dangerous cycle because you will try it again and again to attempt to bring yourself out of the hole you are digging.
On the flip side, people who have high self-esteems are comfortable in the presence of those who are better than they are. No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone better than you are. You might be the gold medalist, but you likely have weaknesses that others don’t have. Again, that is okay.
So where does self-worth come from? One might say that it is through personal accomplishment, and although that might be part of it, it is definitely not the big picture. –There are many people who have done nothing outstanding and yet they are comfortable around people better than they are. If your life is based on the accomplishments you have made with your own hands, you have gravely missed the picture.
Self-esteem comes from living the gospel and having the firm knowledge that you are a child of God who loves and cares about you. Living the gospel will prevent Satan from succeeding at pulling you down in the mire. Knowing that you are a child of God, and that he loves you and wants you to succeed at everything you strive for will give you a great self-worth. You must base your self-worth on eternal principles.
Remember the downer cycle? It is often the case that people who get stuck in the downer cycle feel hopeless and as though all is lost. It causes you to sin more often (also a part of the cycle) and occasionally it will lead you into causing others to sin around you.
However, there is Hope.
A great part of why people have a low self-esteem is because of the little sins in their life that stack up and weigh them down, so the first step to building up your self-esteem is to repent of your sins and transgressions. Sometimes this can be a very hard thing, other times it is a very simple thing.
The second step to building up your self-worth is to cut out any negative thoughts or words from your daily conversation. Replace them with positive things. This applies not only to when you talk about yourself, but also when you talk about other people. You tend to believe the things that are said about you, and you tend to trust yourself more than other people, so if you are constantly telling yourself that you aren’t handsome enough or you’re fat, or that you’re ugly, you will start to believe them and it will hurt your self-esteem. If instead, you tell yourself positive things and you motivate yourself, you will start to believe that you are in fact an attractive young man or woman. So what’s the difference between talking well of yourself and talking well of other people? –Back to the downer cycle.
If you lift other people up, they will eventually lift you up. This is the positive cycle. Whereas before you might have brought someone down, if you lift them up, it will make you feel better about yourself. Many statistics show that people who are charitable and helpful to other people typically have greater health than those who do not. There is a power in being optimistic and positive. Even when you lift someone up and don’t receive the favor in return, God, who sees all and has all power, will reward you for your good deeds.
The third step to having a powerful self-esteem is to strive daily to be a better person. This seems like an unrelated step, but in actuality, when you have a purpose driven life, even if it is merely for self-improvement, you will feel more confident and comfortable with the way you are.
This topic has always been a big deal to me. I have seen the lives of many people ruined because of poor self-esteem. I have also seen many people who I love and respect and look up to dearly, rise above a poor self-esteem and change their life around. It is an amazing thing to me.
In the scriptures we are promised of a day when Satan will have no power on earth. –That day will come, but before we are ready for that day, we will all need to have a healthy self-esteem. We will all need to do our part to prevent Satan from dragging us or others down.
Do not get discouraged when others mock you or when they, like the crabs, try to pull you back into the box, they, more than you, need your love at this time. Out of the two of you, they have the worse self-esteem. –I don’t believe in chance, chance is when God presents things to you in order to bless you or give you a trial to prove yourself.—next time someone makes fun of you, or tries to bring you down or tell you that your ideas and opinions are stupid, try to bring them up, help them see that there is a better way in life and that people really do care about them.
A healthy self-esteem is one in which you are comfortable with whatever life throws at you. You are generally positive, and you respect other people. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are not ashamed of yourself or the things you have no control over, but you enjoy yourself the way you are. People with healthy self-esteems are more confident, less prone to sudden emotional shifts, and have a greater sense of fulfillment with their lives.
You might notice how often the word “self” comes up when describing self-esteem. This is because it relates to who you are as an individual. It also affects every aspect of your life. Let me repeat that: The way your perceive yourself affects every aspect of your life. This is very important because the area in which it has most effect is that of the social relationships that you establish.
If you have a poor self-esteem you will do one of two things: be embarrassed, shy, or awkward when around other people, or you will mistreat other people. I will explain both of these tendencies, but before I do I need to establish an eternal principle:
God created all of us equally; we all have the same potential, we can all obtain the same things in life if we choose. God also created each of us uniquely; no one is exactly the same as someone else. This is where difference comes from. Some people might have challenges with a task that another individual might find relatively easy. That is perfectly okay. You will eventually find in life that although there are certain individuals who are amazing bicyclists, each one of them fell many times before they were able to ride on their own. –Each one of them was once at a level where you are now, but because of hard work and determination it comes easy for them now.
People with low self-esteem might feel awkward or shy or embarrassed when they are around other people who they think are superior to them. Although it is a natural response, it can be overcome. Feelings of inadequacy always come from Satan. He will always try to make you feel miserable. When you have a low self-esteem it can easily prevent you from making friends and finding happiness with those friends.
There is an interesting effect in life which has been portrayed by Hyrum Smith, the motivational speaker, which he describes as “The Crab Theory”. The theory goes like this: if you put two equal, lowly crabs in a box, one will try to climb out, will make it nearly to the top, and then the other crab will climb up to pull it back down into the box. Neither crab will escape from the box. The same is true with people who have a low self-worth. This too is caused by Satan; he wants you to be miserable like he is.
Some people who have a low self-esteem will try to drag you down in order to make you equal or inferior to them. I’m sure everyone has experienced this before. The truth is that when you engage in put-downs or jealousy or revenge, or whatever name you would like to call it, you will never be superior. This is caused by what I call the downer cycle: When you bring somebody down, Satan will make you feel even worse about yourself. While the person you just brought down might be at the level you are, you will eventually feel worse about yourself than you did before and be lower than they are. This is a dangerous cycle because you will try it again and again to attempt to bring yourself out of the hole you are digging.
On the flip side, people who have high self-esteems are comfortable in the presence of those who are better than they are. No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone better than you are. You might be the gold medalist, but you likely have weaknesses that others don’t have. Again, that is okay.
So where does self-worth come from? One might say that it is through personal accomplishment, and although that might be part of it, it is definitely not the big picture. –There are many people who have done nothing outstanding and yet they are comfortable around people better than they are. If your life is based on the accomplishments you have made with your own hands, you have gravely missed the picture.
Self-esteem comes from living the gospel and having the firm knowledge that you are a child of God who loves and cares about you. Living the gospel will prevent Satan from succeeding at pulling you down in the mire. Knowing that you are a child of God, and that he loves you and wants you to succeed at everything you strive for will give you a great self-worth. You must base your self-worth on eternal principles.
Remember the downer cycle? It is often the case that people who get stuck in the downer cycle feel hopeless and as though all is lost. It causes you to sin more often (also a part of the cycle) and occasionally it will lead you into causing others to sin around you.
However, there is Hope.
A great part of why people have a low self-esteem is because of the little sins in their life that stack up and weigh them down, so the first step to building up your self-esteem is to repent of your sins and transgressions. Sometimes this can be a very hard thing, other times it is a very simple thing.
The second step to building up your self-worth is to cut out any negative thoughts or words from your daily conversation. Replace them with positive things. This applies not only to when you talk about yourself, but also when you talk about other people. You tend to believe the things that are said about you, and you tend to trust yourself more than other people, so if you are constantly telling yourself that you aren’t handsome enough or you’re fat, or that you’re ugly, you will start to believe them and it will hurt your self-esteem. If instead, you tell yourself positive things and you motivate yourself, you will start to believe that you are in fact an attractive young man or woman. So what’s the difference between talking well of yourself and talking well of other people? –Back to the downer cycle.
If you lift other people up, they will eventually lift you up. This is the positive cycle. Whereas before you might have brought someone down, if you lift them up, it will make you feel better about yourself. Many statistics show that people who are charitable and helpful to other people typically have greater health than those who do not. There is a power in being optimistic and positive. Even when you lift someone up and don’t receive the favor in return, God, who sees all and has all power, will reward you for your good deeds.
The third step to having a powerful self-esteem is to strive daily to be a better person. This seems like an unrelated step, but in actuality, when you have a purpose driven life, even if it is merely for self-improvement, you will feel more confident and comfortable with the way you are.
This topic has always been a big deal to me. I have seen the lives of many people ruined because of poor self-esteem. I have also seen many people who I love and respect and look up to dearly, rise above a poor self-esteem and change their life around. It is an amazing thing to me.
In the scriptures we are promised of a day when Satan will have no power on earth. –That day will come, but before we are ready for that day, we will all need to have a healthy self-esteem. We will all need to do our part to prevent Satan from dragging us or others down.
Do not get discouraged when others mock you or when they, like the crabs, try to pull you back into the box, they, more than you, need your love at this time. Out of the two of you, they have the worse self-esteem. –I don’t believe in chance, chance is when God presents things to you in order to bless you or give you a trial to prove yourself.—next time someone makes fun of you, or tries to bring you down or tell you that your ideas and opinions are stupid, try to bring them up, help them see that there is a better way in life and that people really do care about them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)