Know Yourself

What more can I say about this topic: You need to BE the right person, FOR the right person?

I wrote this article (the one you are reading) several times and haven’t been satisfied with the way it turned out, and I have deleted it and started over again. It is a relatively short article because I feel like I have said the same information many times, in many different ways. Yet, based on comments and questions that I receive from a few of you, you don’t quite have it figured out what I am saying. So this time, I am going to write it a little differently from anything else you have read of mine. I want you to say yes or no to each of these questions. If you say yes, read the next one. If you say no, feel free to comment below and ask me to clarify the question:

Successful relationships are ones that last?
No relationship is without ups and downs, good times, bad times, arguments and tender moments?
If I want my relationship to last, I need to learn how to make it through the hard times and enjoy the good times?
In order to survive the hard times, I may need to give up personal opinions, personal possessions, or personal comfort so that my partner’s feelings aren’t hurt beyond repair, he or she is given more than the bare minimum to survive, and he or she doesn’t leave me?
There are things I may need to do in order to enjoy, appreciate, and reach the good times?
If I put effort into forming a relationship, I want it to last?
My time in life is limited—I will die some day?
I will eventually have to leave my loved ones, or they will leave me at their death, whether temporarily or permanently?
I want to make the most out of my relationships in this life: Either because I know they will continue after I die, or because I know that my time is limited and I want them to be the best that they can be?
I know that I am not perfect, and that I have flaws?
I am trying to figure out the flaws that I don’t recognize?
I am working on correcting the flaws that I know about?
I understand that other people have flaws as well?
Those flaws are probably different from my flaws?
I would be willing to put up with another person’s flaws if they would put up with my own?
I would even help them overcome their problems if they would simply be patient with my own?
I have a general understanding of what I want to do with my life, these are my dreams?
I am trying to realize (or figure out) what I will need to do in order to make these dreams come true in my life?
Certain of my dreams are more important than other dreams--I could prioritize them and rank their importance?
Having a successful relationship is one of my top three dreams?
I am willing to give up less important dreams in order to accomplish more important dreams, or dreams that have greater priority?
I am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my top three dreams in this life?
I am really willing to make sacrifices if I could only accomplish my top three dreams?
I realize now, that if I want to accomplish my top three dreams, my future spouse will also have to play a role in those dreams; he or she will be involved?
I will only be able to marry someone who is comfortable with my dreams, encouraging of my dreams, and equally willing to sacrifice for my dreams?
I realize that I will also have to be comfortable with his or her dreams, encourage him or her to accomplish their dreams, and I am also willing to make sacrifices to do so?
I am willing to prioritize his or her goals above my own as long as he or she helps me to accomplish my goals as well?
If we accomplish both of our dreams, I am willing to set more dreams with him or her?
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OK, that’s enough questions. If you made it this far, you probably have a good sense of what I am referring to by “Knowing yourself”. It is one part of “BEING the right person”. You want your relationships to last, but to do so, YOU need to do things. YOU need to know who you are, what you are willing to give, and you need to look beyond yourself, because that’s really what a relationship is: when two or more people agree to share the burdens life places on them and share the glory and blessings that life grants them.
No two people are equal or the same either, which means that some people will have faults and shortcomings that can only be fulfilled by another person’s strengths. That means though, that some people have to work harder than others in order for things to balance out.
The whole reason why we seek out relationships with people (friends, communities, husbands and wives etc.) is because we simply can’t do it all by ourselves. You weren't designed to do everything on your own. Not only is this a learning experience that will help you to grow (and therefore has it's benefits); but, if we were all fully capable of doing everything, we wouldn’t need anyone and we would interfere and cause problems with everyone else (or in other words, the lack thereof could be negative). -–you are not living on an island, you don’t have your own planet secluded from everyone else, and your resources are always limited, but you will always have an abundance of people around you. Learning how we fit into this big puzzle called "life" is one reason why we are here on this earth: essentially, we need to learn how to get along with those around us, and especially those who are closest to us.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are, how you fit into life, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your chief goals are, or what you want to accomplish in this life, and knowing just how much you are willing to sacrifice for your goals. I specifically mentioned that having a successful relationship should be one of your top three goals. I am referring to a marriage relationship and that it should be one of your most, if not your most important goal out of this life.
I don’t think most people realize though, that relationships require “give and take”. You may not realize that you take things when you have a relationship, but everyone does. Or you may realize it, but at the same time not be willing to give things to have a relationship. If that is your case, then you will have a hard time in a relationship that is so one sided. Knowing yourself means where you draw the line on what you give and what you take, or put another way: knowing yourself means knowing what you will HAVE TO sacrifice in order to have a good relationship.

Foundations Episode 12

Recap: When going on dates, be direct about what your intentions are. If you just want to be friends then tell them you are going to hang out; otherwise, if you want to make your relationship progress, call it a date.

How to Expand your Sphere of Potential Dates

In my last article I told a story about purchasing ice cream from the store, which was related to looking for your ideal spouse. In the following article, I will expand on the point I made about your “sphere”.

So what is your sphere? It is a term used to signify the collection of people who you come in contact with every day. For some this might just be your family, your friends, your co-workers and anyone who comes in to your work, and anyone you meet while out with your friends around town or at the store. For others it might be the people at your church, the people on campus, the clubs you are in, etc. Simply put, your sphere is every person who you have seen in the last week and the people who you will see in the next week.

In the olden days in certain parts of the world, before the world seemed like such a small place, your sphere might have consisted of the thousand people living in your town. Out of those thousand people, only two or three of them were in close enough age range for you to one day marry and one happened to be your cousin. If you were privileged enough to leave town your sphere might enlarge, but otherwise you were stuck with two options or if you were lucky someone would come in from another town, travelling through or to stay and they could be considered an option of yours.

Today you have an incredible amount of people who you come in contact with and who are eligible for you to marry based on basic criteria such as age and sex; however, as was touched on in the previous article, just because they are ‘eligible’ doesn’t mean you would want to marry them and it’s perfectly fine in the modern society to not pursue all your options because of how many there are.

Thanks to modern technology and advancements, most people have a pretty large overall sphere. Most people also meet so many new people in a day that it may seem to them that there is no end to the number of people on earth. There typically is no “last man or woman on the earth”.

Some people might gripe and complain that they don’t know any guys or girls that they would like to date. The true problem that such people have is not about having a big enough sphere but that they have a relatively small “inner sphere”. The inner sphere is the collection of people who you talk to on a regular basis, rather than people who you merely see each day.

By no means is it necessary for you to date only the people in your inner sphere. Dating is about getting to know an individual in an attempt to make a decision if they are worthy of marriage. You already know the people in your inner sphere fairly well, if you have already classified them as non-dating material, then your best bet is to date those who you don’t know—people who are in your outer sphere.

Before we jump into the topic of choice, expanding your sphere, let’s cover a basic virtue: patience. Just because the people who you know presently don’t fit your criteria, doesn’t mean that one day they can’t. Gage people by their potential to become what you are looking for and not by their present situation. Some people have great potential to adapt to life and to blossom into the type of person you are truly looking for; others may have very little potential. In either case, you need to be patient—it may even be that the person who you would be most happy with in life is someone who you don’t even consider on your list of people to investigate.—being patient will help you later on when you actually do get married.







If you are sure that the people in your inner sphere are not for you then you need to work on expanding your sphere. In the olden days the way this was accomplished was by leaving town and traveling to neighboring towns—though it was more of a privilege of the ambitious and the wealthy. Ambitious persons would travel throughout the land, whether by choice or by force, meeting new company, making new friends, and putting themselves out there in the world.
The same is actually true of today as well. The more ambitious you are; the more people you will meet and the more people you will get to know personally. Whereas in the past you would have had to travel to another location to accomplish this, these days the distance isn’t all that far. The following are some of the things you can try to increase your inner sphere:

Gather contact information. In most situations, you’ll meet an awesome guy or girl who you may never cross paths with again. –Get some means of contacting them. Ask them for their phone number, email address, or even ask them if you may add them on your social network site. And then follow up with them within 24 hours. This is by far the best course of action you can take, because it shows that you truly are interested in getting to know the other person, and it gives you a line of communication that can open up any sort of relationship.

Try investing in your hobbies socially. Although painting is typically a one person event, talking about painting or joining a critiquing group is not. The same is true with a book club; but be sure to join a club that includes both male and female participants.

Go to get-togethers and meetings. Sometimes it just doesn’t sound appealing to go to a lecture on how origami is created, but the people who truly are interested in it might be the same people you would like to add to your inner sphere.

Ask your friends to introduce you to their friends. Though you can’t rely on this one extensively, sometimes your friends know more people than you do. Ask them if they will introduce you to some of their guy friends or girl friends. Bear in mind though that your friends aren’t going to introduce you to people they are interested in, so there may or may not be a good reason for why they aren’t pursuing the person.

Get a job or Volunteer. Even if you already have one job, maybe you should considered a part time seasonal temporary job or volunteer service that gets you in contact with people. Not only does it give you the opportunity to meet new people, but it also gives you neat experiences to talk about when you are running out of conversation ideas.

Again, make sure that the things you do get you in contact with the opposite sex who are around your same age and have the same standards. These ideas will expand your outer sphere but you will need to expand your inner sphere by making the effort to reach out to people. Getting contact information is crucial to this. No relationships can be founded without communication.