Know Yourself

What more can I say about this topic: You need to BE the right person, FOR the right person?

I wrote this article (the one you are reading) several times and haven’t been satisfied with the way it turned out, and I have deleted it and started over again. It is a relatively short article because I feel like I have said the same information many times, in many different ways. Yet, based on comments and questions that I receive from a few of you, you don’t quite have it figured out what I am saying. So this time, I am going to write it a little differently from anything else you have read of mine. I want you to say yes or no to each of these questions. If you say yes, read the next one. If you say no, feel free to comment below and ask me to clarify the question:

Successful relationships are ones that last?
No relationship is without ups and downs, good times, bad times, arguments and tender moments?
If I want my relationship to last, I need to learn how to make it through the hard times and enjoy the good times?
In order to survive the hard times, I may need to give up personal opinions, personal possessions, or personal comfort so that my partner’s feelings aren’t hurt beyond repair, he or she is given more than the bare minimum to survive, and he or she doesn’t leave me?
There are things I may need to do in order to enjoy, appreciate, and reach the good times?
If I put effort into forming a relationship, I want it to last?
My time in life is limited—I will die some day?
I will eventually have to leave my loved ones, or they will leave me at their death, whether temporarily or permanently?
I want to make the most out of my relationships in this life: Either because I know they will continue after I die, or because I know that my time is limited and I want them to be the best that they can be?
I know that I am not perfect, and that I have flaws?
I am trying to figure out the flaws that I don’t recognize?
I am working on correcting the flaws that I know about?
I understand that other people have flaws as well?
Those flaws are probably different from my flaws?
I would be willing to put up with another person’s flaws if they would put up with my own?
I would even help them overcome their problems if they would simply be patient with my own?
I have a general understanding of what I want to do with my life, these are my dreams?
I am trying to realize (or figure out) what I will need to do in order to make these dreams come true in my life?
Certain of my dreams are more important than other dreams--I could prioritize them and rank their importance?
Having a successful relationship is one of my top three dreams?
I am willing to give up less important dreams in order to accomplish more important dreams, or dreams that have greater priority?
I am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my top three dreams in this life?
I am really willing to make sacrifices if I could only accomplish my top three dreams?
I realize now, that if I want to accomplish my top three dreams, my future spouse will also have to play a role in those dreams; he or she will be involved?
I will only be able to marry someone who is comfortable with my dreams, encouraging of my dreams, and equally willing to sacrifice for my dreams?
I realize that I will also have to be comfortable with his or her dreams, encourage him or her to accomplish their dreams, and I am also willing to make sacrifices to do so?
I am willing to prioritize his or her goals above my own as long as he or she helps me to accomplish my goals as well?
If we accomplish both of our dreams, I am willing to set more dreams with him or her?
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OK, that’s enough questions. If you made it this far, you probably have a good sense of what I am referring to by “Knowing yourself”. It is one part of “BEING the right person”. You want your relationships to last, but to do so, YOU need to do things. YOU need to know who you are, what you are willing to give, and you need to look beyond yourself, because that’s really what a relationship is: when two or more people agree to share the burdens life places on them and share the glory and blessings that life grants them.
No two people are equal or the same either, which means that some people will have faults and shortcomings that can only be fulfilled by another person’s strengths. That means though, that some people have to work harder than others in order for things to balance out.
The whole reason why we seek out relationships with people (friends, communities, husbands and wives etc.) is because we simply can’t do it all by ourselves. You weren't designed to do everything on your own. Not only is this a learning experience that will help you to grow (and therefore has it's benefits); but, if we were all fully capable of doing everything, we wouldn’t need anyone and we would interfere and cause problems with everyone else (or in other words, the lack thereof could be negative). -–you are not living on an island, you don’t have your own planet secluded from everyone else, and your resources are always limited, but you will always have an abundance of people around you. Learning how we fit into this big puzzle called "life" is one reason why we are here on this earth: essentially, we need to learn how to get along with those around us, and especially those who are closest to us.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are, how you fit into life, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your chief goals are, or what you want to accomplish in this life, and knowing just how much you are willing to sacrifice for your goals. I specifically mentioned that having a successful relationship should be one of your top three goals. I am referring to a marriage relationship and that it should be one of your most, if not your most important goal out of this life.
I don’t think most people realize though, that relationships require “give and take”. You may not realize that you take things when you have a relationship, but everyone does. Or you may realize it, but at the same time not be willing to give things to have a relationship. If that is your case, then you will have a hard time in a relationship that is so one sided. Knowing yourself means where you draw the line on what you give and what you take, or put another way: knowing yourself means knowing what you will HAVE TO sacrifice in order to have a good relationship.

Why you can't change anyone

I realize that a lot of my articles have been about changing yourself in order to fit the needs and wants of your future spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or friends. But today I need to correct what might be a misconception about this topic: The only person that YOU can change, is you.
We all have equal potential to change our lives for the better, some are further in their progression than others, but each of us has the ability to become as benevolent and rich physically, mentally and emotionally as we desire. Why do people fail to obtain the things that they talk so much about wanting? Because, even with the ability to do anything and become anything, there are many who do not tap into their full potential.

Change requires work; it is a very challenging, and progression isn’t easy. The reason why so many people fail to achieve success in this life is because they:

1. Do not work hard enough-- Real growth and progression comes not from the end result, but the process of making a transformation. Eggs do not instantly become chicks, children are not instantly made into adults, and dreams do not fall right into our laps. There are a lot of things that happen “behind the scenes” before the end is reached. Success requires a gradual process, and work is a necessary component in achieving the things we desire most. No one can put in the work for you; no one cares enough about your success to do it for you, you need to do all of the hard work by yourself.
   Once you decide that you want to have an amazing relationship for the rest of your life, you still need to put in the work and make an effort to obtain that relationship.
2. Do not make the right sacrifices-- Sacrifices are only sacrifices when something is put on the line or given up. Ideally, sacrifices are designed so that when you give up one thing, you receive a better thing in its place, but not all sacrifices work out that way. When you sacrifice the wrong thing, you don’t get any closer to the thing you ultimately want to have. True too, when you give up something that isn’t really of worth to you, then you really aren’t sacrificing and won’t make any progress either.
   Selfishness is a natural part of every one of us, and it is often this character trait that we must sacrifice in order to reach our goals and dreams--particularly when those dreams involve relationships with other people.
3. Aren’t working towards anything--To reach success, you need to have a well-defined idea of what success is. What is it that you are working towards? What do you want to accomplish? If you can’t answer that question, then you are left at a standstill--you are left like the sailor who has no heading and with no heading, it doesn’t matter which direction you go, you still won’t get any closer.
   With relationships, you need to understand what it is that you want out of a relationship. What needs do you have to fulfill? At what point in the relationship will you feel you have reached success?

Just like no one can do the work for you, you can’t do the work for someone else. Any sacrifices that others make are sacrifices for themselves and not for you. And even if other people share your goals and dreams, until YOU reach those goals and dreams, you haven’t obtained success--they may have, but you haven’t.

Now, let me throw in some additional insights that were hidden in what I just told you:

1. relationships are work. They are never-ending, because the moment that you stop working on improving your relationship is the moment it becomes stagnant and falls apart.
2. It requires work on both sides. If one of you doesn’t put forth an effort then it will fall apart, no matter how hard the other person works to save it.
3. You can’t expect people to make sacrifices for you. –This goes two ways: you can’t expect them to sacrifice in your behalf, because as I already explained, that doesn’t work. You also can’t expect them to make sacrifices to have you without you making equal sacrifices for them. Purely one-sided relationships don’t work…there is no such thing as 100/0 relationship.—that isn’t a relationship, it’s one person pushing things on the other person.
4. Your goals are YOUR goals. When you get into a relationship with someone, there might come a point where you have gone above and beyond their expectations—you fulfilled their goals and dreams. But at that moment, they may not have quite fulfilled your goals and dreams yet. You can look at this in two ways: A) It would be easier for you to find someone who has equal expectations and goals and dreams, because then you will both feel you have achieved success and fulfillment at the same time. Or B) you could look at that and say: just because he or she is satisfied doesn’t mean that I am, and -I- need to put in more work and sacrifice more in order to get there. If #2 is the case, then you need to be upfront with the other person the moment that you realize that they are “over-satisfied”. You need to talk to them about where you would still like the relationship to go and see what trade-offs can be made in order to reach that point. This sounds contrary to what I mentioned previously, but they may need to sacrifice a little more in order to continue having you—to balance your relationship out.
   
5. Relationships must clearly take time to build. Anything that requires work, sacrifice, and goals/dreams/or plans will take a lot of time in order to come true. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” it took a lot of work, sacrifice, and planning to become what it ultimately became, and when that pattern of work, planning and sacrifice became corrupted, it fell.

Why Relationships Matter So Much

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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.

I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.

Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.








In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.

Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.

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How to Visualize your Ideal Realtionship

This is a simple video on the importance of visualizing your ideal relationship, or the relationship that you want to have with someone in the future.

Steps that Lead up to Marriage

This article has been moved to my new website. I broke it into two articles:

4 Steps That Lead to Marriage

&&

How to Reach Marriage the Right Way, Not the Right Now

Go read the new articles and check out the new website!

The Big Picture

 EDIT: (1/20/2011)
I just added the option for you to receive updates on this blog via email. You no longer have to remember whether or not there is a new article this week or if it is next week, it comes to you in your email!

Also, don't forget that there is a facebook page set up to sending out reminders, so like Dating Zion on there as well.


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The Big Picture
The decision to get married may be the most important decision of your life. It is one in which you probably look forward to making, but also feel nervous and uneasy about. It might be one that you are anxious to make or it might be one that you keep postponing for other things.
However, before you proceed with this important decision you should understand the Big Picture: There is more to life than just marriage; and although marriage is essential and should not be put off or hastily initiated, you should focus on changing yourself to become the best person possible. If you are doing everything possible to become a better person and you are making reasonable steps towards the goal of marriage, there will be nothing stopping you from getting married at the right time and in the right place.

You have been given, agency, or the God-given ability to choose your own life. If you work at it, you can accomplish anything; but remember the old adage “work smarter, not harder”. -–That’s right, sometimes working hard isn’t enough; you also need to know how specific things work in order to work better. For example, before the Wright brothers built their first airplane, they had to learn a few principles about physics (lift, thrust, drag, equilibrium, etc.) Yes, they worked hard, but they also learned well.
With that in mind, it is easy to see the power that God has given you to act in this life: You literally have the world at your fingertips and if you work and learn, you can make all your dreams come true.

In the rest of this article, you will learn how every principle previously presented on this blog works, and how they are all related. And, after reading this article, hopefully, you will begin to see much more of The Big Picture.

(Click the numbers for a specific Dating Zion article written on a similar topic.)

1. Resolve to Work	-- Before you even start on your journey, you should answer this questions, and be completely honest with yourself while: Are you really willing to do the work necessary to succeed? Do you have the self-control to give up anything that might stand in your way? To do this, you will need to weigh your options and determine what things you value more. Pertaining to marriage, is getting married more important to you than worldly success? Is it more important to you than popularity? What about being a good person, is that more important than having friends? Is devoting your time and energy to the cause worth accomplishing the task? No matter what your answers are to these questions, you now know how much you are willing to give in order to get what you want. If you were completely honest with yourself, it will be easier next time you need to put forth the time and effort for your goals. Choose today to go to work; don’t put it off till tomorrow because you never know whether something else will come up tomorrow. Resolve to work.
2. Set Goals and have Dreams	-- At the same time as you are resolving to work, you need to decide what you really want. The more specific you are about it the better. Your wants and desires that are general, are only dreams; your wants and desires that are specific are goals. All goals need to have a time limit. Some goals are quantifiable, meaning a number can be attached to them. Above all, goals and dreams need to be personal. Some people say: “You need to make it your own”. In other words, you need to do things for yourself, not because other people want you to. If other people want you to move out of the house and get married, you need to decide for yourself whether you want to move out and you want to get married. No one else can make goals for you, but they can help you once you have set them. If you want to get married, that’s just a dream; but if you want to get married in the next 3 years, that’s more of a goal. How can you measure that goal? –One option is to count the number of sub-goals that will help you reach your long-term (3 year) goal; but not every goal needs to be quantified. Some goals can be conditional, meaning yes or no. With conditional goals, you need to clarify the conditions. For example, having the goal to “be comfortable around the opposite sex” isn’t necessarily quantifiable.-—sure, you could set a goal to talk to 75% of the people you come within arms distance of for more than 3 seconds, and then every day tally up how many of those you actually did, but it would be better if this goal was conditional: when you reflect on the day, did you get nervous about talking to someone and if so, why? How can you improve? A major part of the big picture is setting and reaching goals and dreams.—that’s part of your eternal progression, which is part of the big picture.
3. Plan and Prepare	-- Now that you have goals, both short term and long term, how are you going to accomplish those goals? What steps do you need to take to reach your goal? If your goal is to save up X amount of money so that you can get on your feet once you are married, what does that require of you? How much of your paycheck will you need to devote to this, and what will you do without that money? Some plans are just about self-control and additional mini-goals, but other plans are more complex. Take for instance a time where you needed to learn something before you could accomplish your goal. Your options might be to go to classes to be taught those skills, or to hire a tutor, or to simply read a book on the subject. Which will you choose? Which will give you the best learning experience? Which will cost the most? These are the kinds of questions involved in planning and preparing to accomplish your goal. Think about everything involved and how you will accomplish it. Write all of this down. Write your goals down, write your dreams down, and write your plans down. And every time you feel impressed to add to or change your plans, write them down immediately before you forget them.

Click here to see the Next Page.

New Years Resolutions

Happy New Years everyone!

I wanted to express the importance of new years resolutions, but my last article and my next post (this sunday) didn't allow for me to talk about realizing your dreams and setting goals to reach them.

New years, of course, is the holiday in which we reflect on everything we've done in the previous year and we set resolutions (or goals) to become better.

So while you're celebrating the new year, take some time to reflect on your dating life. I've provided a few thought provoking questions to help you:

• Do you feel like you've gone on enough dates this year, or would you have liked to have gone on more?
• Do you know of at least two people who you would like to pursue a better relationship with, or do you feel like there just isn't anyone who interests you at this time?
• If you are in a relationship right now, do you feel like the relationship is going at the proper speed, or would you like it to go faster?
• In 2011, will you be prepared to get married if someone popped the question, or are there things in your life that you need to work out before even considering marriage? If so, what are those things?
• Are you comfortable getting someone's number and asking them on a date, or do you have to work yourself up to that point?
• In 2010, did you feel adequate about pursuing a relationship with someone, or were there a few people you met who you felt were out of your class?
• Do you feel comfortable about yourself almost all of the time, or do you frequently feel like you aren't good enough?
• Do you feel like you've made a lot of progress in 2010, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually or is there something that is holding you back? Are you hold yourself back?
• What is your primary goal, pertaining to dating, in the next few months?

Some of these questions can be really difficult and might be things you've never thought of before.
If after answering these questions you feel like there are a lot of things you could improve on, please consider my 8 week program. In the program I cover the basics that I feel everyone should know about dating.
I also really pump you up and get you motivated to succeed at learning this so that a few weeks after you've made your resolution you don't forget about it or give up trying.

Good luck with the new year!

How to set reasonable Goals

Often times it seems like there is a disconnection between the things people want from life and the way they think life will happen for them. These two things can be summarized with the words: Goals and Plans. Plans are different from goals. Goals are objectives or targets that you are aiming for; they are what you want from life. Plans are the methods you will use to reach those goals, and plans are the way you think life will happen for you.

If your plans are not reasonable, you will have a hard time accomplishing your goals. If your goals are not reasonable, you will either never achieve them, or you will sacrifice too much to obtain them.

What makes a goal unreasonable? Two things can make a goal unreasonable: 1) it conflicts with other goals. 2) It isn’t what you really want.

If you have too many goals, you might find that some of them are conflicting—you might need to sacrifice one in order to get the other, or you might have to postpone one for the other. Goals that conflict with other goals are too narrow or too broad; they fail to take into consideration your other wants and needs. If they are too broad, when you have conflicts you will prioritize the other goals. –At first I said that this makes a goal unreasonable; this is not entirely true. The goal is not unreasonable until it becomes impossible for you to do both.
Again, if you are willing to postpone one goal for another, then your goal is still somewhat reasonable as long as you can still accomplish both. However, you need to be cautious because no one can see into the future. While trading stocks in the stock market a person can both sell too early and sell too late.—sometimes when we choose to postpone our goals we miss out on the best possible moment for them or we postpone our goals only to discover that they are outdated or too challenging later in life.

Take for instance climbing Mount Everest; a person might postpone their goal of climbing and then get in a car accident that paralyzes them from the waist down. Or they might postpone their goal of climbing only to grow too old to climb. Had they gone they would have had meaningful experiences to draw on during the hard times of their life.

When you set a goal, you also need to be attached to that goal. Long-term goals take time and devotion, and if you don’t truly want that goal, you won’t feel motivated to accomplish it. Even if you do manage to accomplish that goal, it will not bring you satisfaction. You cannot set goals just because other people want you to do things; you will need to set goals that you want to reach. If not, in the end, they will not bring you the satisfaction that you want for all the work that you do. Or, when the trials and the challenges to accomplishing your goal kick in, you will have a worse time bearing through those challenges than if it were a goal you were attached to.








Having a goal is still better than not having any goals, but what really counts is the plans that you make in order to accomplish those goals. There is a good saying for this: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Failure happens when you don’t succeed at your goals. No one wants to fail; in fact, most people have a fear of failure. Even when you have reasonable goals, if you try to accomplish those goals in an indirect way, you may fail. For instance, you might have a reasonable goal to cook a good meal every day of the week but fail to plan correctly by not purchasing the ingredients necessary or allowing yourself enough time in your schedule to cook.—you could have reached that goal if you had made better plans.

What makes a good plan? A good plan is detailed, specific, and direct. A good plan includes how you will prepare, how you will execute it, and how you will track your progress, as well what steps you will take in case you are not on schedule (plan b). In the cooking example, in order to have a good plan, you would need to have all your ingredients, decide on what meals you will cook and how long they will take to make, and you might want to have a back-up plan of something simple to make in case you are running behind schedule or you misplace one of your ingredients.

After you have a good goal and a good plan, you need to ask yourself one last time what the big picture is:

• Why do you want to accomplish this goal?
• How much of a priority is it and how much are you willing to sacrifice for it?
• And is there another goal that would be better to work towards?

When you understand your own motives for accomplishing the goal you will have a better grasp on whether it is truly something you want. Are you doing it for selfish reasons? Are you comfortable doing it for selfish reasons? Are you doing it because someone else wants you to? Are there any benefits to doing it for other people?

If you compare this goal to your other goals, which would you rather do? Do they have any immediate conflicts? What steps might you have to take in order to accomplish both goals on time? Are you willing to prioritize one goal over the other when conflicts arise? Will it be worth it still if you have to prioritize it over your other goals?

The ultimate “big picture” question is whether there is another goal that supersedes this goal. If you want to quit eating out because it’s expensive, a better goal would be to manage all of your finances—it may be possible for you to still eat out whenever you like, for instance, if you’d stop buying candy and pop at the gas station.

With an understanding of how to set reasonable goals and plans, you will be more successful in life and gain a greater satisfaction for accomplishing things. These goals will help you get what you want out of life and you will have a good understanding of how they will happen for you.

Now is a good time for you to re-evaluate your present goals and plans for the big areas of your life: career, school, family, marriage and spiritual. Are there any conflicts? Which is more important to you? If you postpone either of them, will you still be able to do them later? Will it be unnecessarily harder?
In the end, is it likely that things will turn out the way you expect them to? What do you need to do today in order to prepare to meet your goals?

How to Tell if you are Being Played

**Click here to skip down to the Dating Zion Article below**

Recently, the LDS church website was redesigned, and I feel like now is also a good time to list a few reference points to other material that state some of the same things that my blog does, so I’ve been searching for a few good articles and here’s what I’ve come up with:

• A rock solid article on being the right person for the right person, self-respect, and a little bit about the Lord’s part in our progress: Choosing and Being the Right Spouse(2002)
• A good article on how relationships take time and that passion should be put somewhat restrained in order to develop a real relationship: Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends (1994)
  --Be careful when you read in the beginning of the article not to confuse his definition of “friendship” with other definitions of the word. He uses the term to signify that the two individuals know and understand each other’s long-term goals, are sufficiently prepared at the time they get married, and have learned to appreciate and love one another.
• A few good true stories about how marriage is the Lord’s will and that we need to not fear or shy away from it:
  Making the Marriage Decision (2010)
• I’ve commented on this article in the past, it covers a broad range of false thinking that young single adults associate with marriage and it explains the outcome of such thinking. This is a definite read:
  Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision (2007)
• A good article that cites statistics and a survey taken at BYU (in 1987)—the numbers were probably worse elsewhere, but essentially the article makes a good case that there is nothing to fear about marriage and gives ten things to help us realize and desire marriage as well as prepare for it:
  The Faith to Marry (1987)
• An article that is meant to give hope to young single adults:
  Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope (2008)
  --I recommend you take a glance at this article (whether you end up reading it or not). There is an interesting blurb in the intro that I encourage you to read. It lists the ages of people who seek mental health counseling and then makes the statement that there is a growing trend for Young single adults to stay single for longer. I point this out because 26 and 27 isn’t all that old (time goes faster once to turn 20). Missionaries get home at age 21-23. You can pass 3 to 5 years quickly without getting married and ending up unhappy just like those in the examples. That can be roughly the amount of time it takes to go through a university.—But most people don’t seek counseling until they’ve done everything they possibly can, which could be even a year of extra unhappiness.—Don’t let it happen to you!

I also recently received the following question that I would like to answer in this post:


Q- How do you tell if someone is a player?

A-Before I answer, I want to define a player. I define a player as someone who manipulates other people in order to get what they want. –I suppose some people might define a player as someone who goes after multiple people at once, but I feel it is okay to like more than one person—at least until you are married that is—so there shouldn’t be a problem with dating multiple people—and moving forward with multiple people—until you make some sort of commitment with one of them.

Simply put, to tell if someone is a player, you first need to determine what they are after in life.—not everyone is at the same point in life and not everyone wants the same things. Second, you need to determine if they are getting what they want without full consent. (meaning, you need to determine if they are purposely manipulating people into doing things that only they benefit from or if they are doing things that appease everyone involved)






The problem arises when a person is only using those other people for selfish desires. They may even like and be interested in some of the people that they are using, but the fact remains that they are trying to get something specific from other people without benefiting the other person as well. (a.k.a. manipulation).
The most common manifestation of this (or rather, the one that most people think of) is merely attempting to receive sexual gratification from other people; this can come from actual sex, kissing or anything else. But players aren’t always after sex. Some players try to get freebies from everyone, they attempt to manipulate people into asking them on dates when they really have no intentions of progressing further with them. They attempt to get other people to buy them things and pamper them. They manipulate the other person into doing things for them –The list could go on and on, but I think the point is proven: a player is anyone who manipulates another person in order to receive some form of benefit for themselves and without regard for the other person.

With that understanding, you can tell if someone is a player by what their intentions are, or “what they want out of life” –Intentions aren’t always the easiest things to determine though and if the person is particularly good at deception then they’ll hide their intentions fairly well.
You need to understand that not everyone has the same agendas in life. Some people are uninterested in having a long-term relationship but still need to fill that gap in their life of having companionship with the opposite sex (it’s a basic need). They also might attempt to fulfill that need in an unconventional way (such as turning people into “kissing buddies” or “slaves” who they use to fix all their problems). If you are after the same thing as they are, then you both end up with what you want and there really isn’t any manipulation involved. For instance, if both of you want a “kissing buddy” then neither of you are really playing the other person. When you want one thing and they want another, you might feel played when they get what they want and you do not. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a player though. People can be under the assumption that you are both in accordance on what you want from one another, only to find out later that you are not both after the same things.

If you feel like you are constantly giving and not receiving, that can be a good indicator that you are being played, but remember that not everyone wants the same thing. He or she might be getting what is wanted from you and assume that you to are getting from them what you want. You can’t exactly judge the other person for ignorantly getting into that situation. People are confusing, everyone is trying to make sense of the events that take place in their life; therefore, it might just be that the two of you have the wrong impressions of one another and assume that the both of you are after the same thing when really you are not. That doesn’t make either of you a player, but in both of your best interests, you’ll want to stop.

Communication is the key, the more you talk about subjects relating to life and their goals, the better you will understand what their intentions are.
You can circumvent all of your problems by avoiding getting too close to people who don’t want the same things as you do (short-term relationships/long-term relationships).—Don’t be rude about it, but in your better interest it is okay to politely decline their advances.

I need to make an additional comment about this answer though as it is essential to a happy future: Even though you aren’t a player just because you merely want to have short-term relationships or “make-out buddies”, and you can find some people who share those same intentions, it isn’t going to make you happy in the end. Everything that merely entertains you in the present can leave you feeling hollow and empty once you overuse or can no longer be entertained by it. It can be an addiction that prevents you from having greater happiness and threatens future relationships you might have.