Recap: It is good for you to not exclusively date anyone until he or she has made an agreement with you not to date other people. You can improve your chances of finding your future spouse and you can build a better relationship with the people you date if you initially date multiple people at the same time. Not only do you have more chances and less risk, but you will also be less stressful and more open around the ones you are dating.
Showing posts with label success. Show all posts
Showing posts with label success. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Foundations: Episode 15
Recap: It is good for you to not exclusively date anyone until he or she has made an agreement with you not to date other people. You can improve your chances of finding your future spouse and you can build a better relationship with the people you date if you initially date multiple people at the same time. Not only do you have more chances and less risk, but you will also be less stressful and more open around the ones you are dating.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Foundations Episode 13
Recap: Feeling sorry for yourself, thinking about and complaining about your problems isn't going to help you improve your situation.
You have to get out there and focus on fixing your situation.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Foundations Episode 6
Recap:
Most women don't get asked out on dates. That means that women who take initiative and ask men are 10x more successful than those who do not, and men who take initiative and ask women out have nothing to fear about getting a first date.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Foundations Episode 2
Summary:
Sorry to delay the juicy stuff in this series, but I want to point out that the two aspects of dating that lay the foundation for a Great relationship are: 1. Mingling/Introductions. 2. Dating. As I talked about in Episode 1, you want to start these parts off right so that when you get to the relationship phase it is easy for you to advance into a relationship and it eliminates a lot of bumps.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Foundations Video Series
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This is my introductory video to the "Building A Foundation for a Great Relationship" video series (I'll refer to it as the "Foundations" video series). Just to recap: if you're between 18-28 then this video series is going to be perfect for you. I'll be posting a new episode each week for the next 15 weeks (there are 16 episodes in all and Episode 1 is already available to you below). In this video series I want to teach you that: Relationships are different from what you thought they were in high school, I want you to be motivated after this series to get out there into the dating world and to start working for your dreams, and I want you to realize that there are steps involved in building a relationship, as well as what those steps are |
And if you don't want to wait for the end of the series, or you want to gain access to the bonus episode, click here to go to my video series details page.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Being the Right Person
Although I have referenced one article on my blog more than any other, I don’t feel I covered the topic as sufficiently as I should. If you are an avid reader of my articles you’ll know just how true this statement is: In order to find the right person, you need to be the right person for him or her. There are no substitutes for personal development—if you want to marry someone amazing, you will have to be their equal: Amazing. If you want to come home every night to someone who will take care of you, comfort you when you are down, and provide for your needs, then you too will have to take care of them, comfort them when they are down, and provide for their needs. No amount of seduction or manipulation can convince your ideal person to marry you.
The interactions you receive from other people are directly related to your own personality and present state. It is not uncommon for people to complain about others, and the way that they act, and yet those doing the complaining are also the ones with the biggest problems in that area. In other words, the old saying is true: “we hate the things in others that we really hate in ourselves.” Most of the flaws that we see in other people are flaws that we ourselves have. This comes in two forms: either we fail to see our own flaws and attribute them in other people, or we create those flaws in other people by carrying them ourselves. The latter occurs when we manifest a flaw and others see it as acceptable behavior (subconsciously, mind you) and they begin to mimic our behavior when they communicate with us.
Take for instance when we claim that another individual is stubborn; that person will refuse to back down from their own beliefs and agendas, yet we fail to realize that we too fail to back down from our own. We are so preoccupied by the fact that the other person just wants things their way, that we don’t realize that we just want things OUR way as well.
Another good example (although inverted) of this is a positive person; this does not just work in one direction after all. When we are positive, other people around us tend to be a little more positive as well. When we are hopeful for a bright future, others will desire to share in that future. When we are happy, other people want to be happy as well. Yes, there are negative people in this world who simply cannot get over their negativity, but such people are the rare occurrences that burden our mind and drag us down to where we don’t see the other examples; the ones of people who become positive when we are positive. Another old saying comes to mind: “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy.”
When we can find our own flaws and learn to deal with and correct them, we will begin to have a greater appreciation and respect for other individuals. It is this form of respect that can cause us to look beyond the flaws in other people, a guy or girl, and take a liking to them. If they too have developed this respect, it will be easy for the two of you to fall in love with one another. When you see the flaws in each other, you will realize that you are both striving to improve on yourselves and that one day these flaws will be replaced by others.
To make it easier for others to have that respect for you, you should develop yourself so that you are compatible with the type of person you wish to marry. No two people are the same, and no two people fall into the same category. If you wish to marry someone who has money, you need to learn the attributes that such an individual appreciates, such as frugality, or a wealthy taste. If you have no idea what it means to save money, or you have no clue what the difference in class is between a Volvo and a Corvette, then you need to develop those skills and attributes. Another good example is the level of spirituality: if you want to marry someone who is VERY spiritual, then you had better know the scriptures equally well, and attend church every Sunday, because “very spiritual” individuals have learned to value those specific things.
No one said getting married was easy; “it will be the hardest decision you ever make.” But more important than the actual decision is the processes which you take to prepare yourself for marriage. If you are not ready physically, mentally, or emotionally for marriage then you should focus on preparing yourself in that manner first.
I appreciate the question posed in a famous movie “What is the point of worry about your beard, while your head is going to be taken?” the story behind this question refers to a community threatened by war. The wise elder of the community points out to the leader of their bunch that they are focusing too much on the unimportant aspects of their lives while there are more important matters to resolve first.
It is very true that you will need to grow up and become a man or woman before you can marry a man or woman. Learning all of the intricate ways in which you can attract a man or woman is not going to help you if you have not developed yourself sufficiently to proceed with that attraction. Too many people assume that finding the right person to marry is all about finding him or her. They assume that the reason why they are not having success is because the right person hasn’t come along yet. –-This is a grave error; one which you could devote your whole life to searching for the perfect person for you, and one in which most people who do eventually get married after succumbing to the exhaustion of their search. They settle for someone who they determine to make things work with, only because they have resolved that there is no “perfect” person out there for them to marry.
Being the right person for the right person entails developing yourself so that you are exactly what some other poor, lonely person is looking for. The beauty of developing yourself in such a manner is that it empowers you and gives you a greater selection of people to choose from. Most people of the opposite sex share the same or similar ideals about what the “perfect” husband or wife entails. By developing these attributes, you will automatically pass their hardest criteria and win their hearts. You will then be in a position in which you may choose the best candidate for you to pair off with; you will not have to merely take whatever is offered to you.
The interactions you receive from other people are directly related to your own personality and present state. It is not uncommon for people to complain about others, and the way that they act, and yet those doing the complaining are also the ones with the biggest problems in that area. In other words, the old saying is true: “we hate the things in others that we really hate in ourselves.” Most of the flaws that we see in other people are flaws that we ourselves have. This comes in two forms: either we fail to see our own flaws and attribute them in other people, or we create those flaws in other people by carrying them ourselves. The latter occurs when we manifest a flaw and others see it as acceptable behavior (subconsciously, mind you) and they begin to mimic our behavior when they communicate with us.
Take for instance when we claim that another individual is stubborn; that person will refuse to back down from their own beliefs and agendas, yet we fail to realize that we too fail to back down from our own. We are so preoccupied by the fact that the other person just wants things their way, that we don’t realize that we just want things OUR way as well.
Another good example (although inverted) of this is a positive person; this does not just work in one direction after all. When we are positive, other people around us tend to be a little more positive as well. When we are hopeful for a bright future, others will desire to share in that future. When we are happy, other people want to be happy as well. Yes, there are negative people in this world who simply cannot get over their negativity, but such people are the rare occurrences that burden our mind and drag us down to where we don’t see the other examples; the ones of people who become positive when we are positive. Another old saying comes to mind: “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy.”
When we can find our own flaws and learn to deal with and correct them, we will begin to have a greater appreciation and respect for other individuals. It is this form of respect that can cause us to look beyond the flaws in other people, a guy or girl, and take a liking to them. If they too have developed this respect, it will be easy for the two of you to fall in love with one another. When you see the flaws in each other, you will realize that you are both striving to improve on yourselves and that one day these flaws will be replaced by others.
To make it easier for others to have that respect for you, you should develop yourself so that you are compatible with the type of person you wish to marry. No two people are the same, and no two people fall into the same category. If you wish to marry someone who has money, you need to learn the attributes that such an individual appreciates, such as frugality, or a wealthy taste. If you have no idea what it means to save money, or you have no clue what the difference in class is between a Volvo and a Corvette, then you need to develop those skills and attributes. Another good example is the level of spirituality: if you want to marry someone who is VERY spiritual, then you had better know the scriptures equally well, and attend church every Sunday, because “very spiritual” individuals have learned to value those specific things.
No one said getting married was easy; “it will be the hardest decision you ever make.” But more important than the actual decision is the processes which you take to prepare yourself for marriage. If you are not ready physically, mentally, or emotionally for marriage then you should focus on preparing yourself in that manner first.
I appreciate the question posed in a famous movie “What is the point of worry about your beard, while your head is going to be taken?” the story behind this question refers to a community threatened by war. The wise elder of the community points out to the leader of their bunch that they are focusing too much on the unimportant aspects of their lives while there are more important matters to resolve first.
It is very true that you will need to grow up and become a man or woman before you can marry a man or woman. Learning all of the intricate ways in which you can attract a man or woman is not going to help you if you have not developed yourself sufficiently to proceed with that attraction. Too many people assume that finding the right person to marry is all about finding him or her. They assume that the reason why they are not having success is because the right person hasn’t come along yet. –-This is a grave error; one which you could devote your whole life to searching for the perfect person for you, and one in which most people who do eventually get married after succumbing to the exhaustion of their search. They settle for someone who they determine to make things work with, only because they have resolved that there is no “perfect” person out there for them to marry.
Being the right person for the right person entails developing yourself so that you are exactly what some other poor, lonely person is looking for. The beauty of developing yourself in such a manner is that it empowers you and gives you a greater selection of people to choose from. Most people of the opposite sex share the same or similar ideals about what the “perfect” husband or wife entails. By developing these attributes, you will automatically pass their hardest criteria and win their hearts. You will then be in a position in which you may choose the best candidate for you to pair off with; you will not have to merely take whatever is offered to you.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dealing with and Dating Obnoxious Men and Women
This article has moved to my new site: http://rdccoach.blogspot.com/
Check out the new articles :
and
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Attitude Affects Your Dating Life
As I am sure you have heard numerous times: “attitude determines everything”. Let’s face it: dating is hard; it is one of the hardest things you will ever go through simply because dating leads up to the hardest choice you will ever make (marriage).
I have stressed time and time on this blog that dating takes time. You can’t expect things to just fall into your lap, to meet that perfect guy or girl and to have courting them be easy it will take time and devotion. You have to work at it every day in order to be successful at dating (i.e. to meet your long term dating goals, usually marriage).
You also can’t be afraid of dating because of a fear of failure. Everyone will fail at least a couple times before they get good at a particular skill. Every athlete in the history of sports has had major defeats and setbacks that jarred them and made them question that what they were doing was the right thing to do. I am sure that you have felt lonely before; that you have questioned whether that young lady or young man liked you back; and you have probably felt frustrated about the whole "dating thing" and wished there were a better way.
All of these negative thoughts can bring you down.
“Attitude determines everything”, if you reflect on the negative aspects of your life, such as how you wish so desperately that you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, your life will be shaped by that desperation. You will come off to people you just met as though you are desperate and that you are starving for their attention. If, on the other hand, you reflect on how any day this week you might meet your future spouse, then your life will be shaped positively. You will be looking for that opportune moment to meet someone new, and you might even go out of your way just on the hope that that special someone is just around the corner.
Finding your future husband or wife is hard work. It takes years of sifting through dates to realize things about yourself and about who you want to marry, and then to prepare yourself to find and woo that person. Should you reflect on how hard it is though? I do not think we are meant to reflect on the difficulty of this task. In the beginning, when you fall in love, chemicals are activated in your body that heighten the experience and add a “magical” touch to your relationship. By this point in your relationship there are still plenty of hurdles to overcome before you actually marry that individual. I do not think that we are meant to reflect too heavily on how hard things are; we are meant to focus on making things a little better each day.
There is a common saying of which you have probably heard: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. As you know, Rome was one of the greatest civilizations in ancient times. It took several hundred years for Rome to reach its height of greatness. Thousands of people devoted their lives to bringing it to that point.--If you want something “great” out of a relationship, then you will have to devote your whole life to it; of course relationships don’t end at marriage, they continue forever. Will it be hard? Of course.
However, rather than focus on how hard dating or having relationships is, you should focus on how much it is worth it to you.
Is it worth it to put up with hard times? Is it worth it to have to date ten jerks before finding one really amazing person? Is it worth it to fix your bad habits in order to please the guy or girl of your dreams? Is it worth it to feel lonely now, in order to motivate your to find that special someone?
Dating and having relationships is hard, but it is completely worth it in the end!
Try to remain optimistic. Whether you are happy or sad about your current situation, you are still going to be in your current situation, so why not be optimistic?
That brings up my final point: you will remain in your current situation until you change your situation. YOU have to change it. No one else can change for you. No one who doesn’t like you now will suddenly like you in the future unless you change; they aren’t going to change for you.
But you need to change for yourself and not for the guy or girl. When you change for yourself, you make lasting changes. When you change for other people, you revert to your old behavior when you stop trying to impress those other people. As your relationship progresses and you both mature, you will eventually realize that you never had to impress that young man or woman and you will stop trying to impress them and start acting normal. At that point, if you didn't change for the benefit of yourself, you will slip back into the kind of person you were before you attempted to impress him or her.
Even if someone changes in your behalf, unless they relate it back to themselves, their changes aren’t going to be lasting either. You should not expect or rely on other people to change in order to love you the way you are. You should not make demads of people that they change so that the two of you can get along better. Instead, do yourself a favor and make yourself in to the kind of person that will please the kind of person you want to marry.
Change is always hard, but it is always worth it. Keep that in mind as you decide from now on that you are going to change and adapt to get along with others rather than expect them to fix their problems to get along with you.
I have stressed time and time on this blog that dating takes time. You can’t expect things to just fall into your lap, to meet that perfect guy or girl and to have courting them be easy it will take time and devotion. You have to work at it every day in order to be successful at dating (i.e. to meet your long term dating goals, usually marriage).
You also can’t be afraid of dating because of a fear of failure. Everyone will fail at least a couple times before they get good at a particular skill. Every athlete in the history of sports has had major defeats and setbacks that jarred them and made them question that what they were doing was the right thing to do. I am sure that you have felt lonely before; that you have questioned whether that young lady or young man liked you back; and you have probably felt frustrated about the whole "dating thing" and wished there were a better way.
All of these negative thoughts can bring you down.
“Attitude determines everything”, if you reflect on the negative aspects of your life, such as how you wish so desperately that you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, your life will be shaped by that desperation. You will come off to people you just met as though you are desperate and that you are starving for their attention. If, on the other hand, you reflect on how any day this week you might meet your future spouse, then your life will be shaped positively. You will be looking for that opportune moment to meet someone new, and you might even go out of your way just on the hope that that special someone is just around the corner.
Finding your future husband or wife is hard work. It takes years of sifting through dates to realize things about yourself and about who you want to marry, and then to prepare yourself to find and woo that person. Should you reflect on how hard it is though? I do not think we are meant to reflect on the difficulty of this task. In the beginning, when you fall in love, chemicals are activated in your body that heighten the experience and add a “magical” touch to your relationship. By this point in your relationship there are still plenty of hurdles to overcome before you actually marry that individual. I do not think that we are meant to reflect too heavily on how hard things are; we are meant to focus on making things a little better each day.
There is a common saying of which you have probably heard: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. As you know, Rome was one of the greatest civilizations in ancient times. It took several hundred years for Rome to reach its height of greatness. Thousands of people devoted their lives to bringing it to that point.--If you want something “great” out of a relationship, then you will have to devote your whole life to it; of course relationships don’t end at marriage, they continue forever. Will it be hard? Of course.
However, rather than focus on how hard dating or having relationships is, you should focus on how much it is worth it to you.
Is it worth it to put up with hard times? Is it worth it to have to date ten jerks before finding one really amazing person? Is it worth it to fix your bad habits in order to please the guy or girl of your dreams? Is it worth it to feel lonely now, in order to motivate your to find that special someone?
Dating and having relationships is hard, but it is completely worth it in the end!
Try to remain optimistic. Whether you are happy or sad about your current situation, you are still going to be in your current situation, so why not be optimistic?
That brings up my final point: you will remain in your current situation until you change your situation. YOU have to change it. No one else can change for you. No one who doesn’t like you now will suddenly like you in the future unless you change; they aren’t going to change for you.
But you need to change for yourself and not for the guy or girl. When you change for yourself, you make lasting changes. When you change for other people, you revert to your old behavior when you stop trying to impress those other people. As your relationship progresses and you both mature, you will eventually realize that you never had to impress that young man or woman and you will stop trying to impress them and start acting normal. At that point, if you didn't change for the benefit of yourself, you will slip back into the kind of person you were before you attempted to impress him or her.
Even if someone changes in your behalf, unless they relate it back to themselves, their changes aren’t going to be lasting either. You should not expect or rely on other people to change in order to love you the way you are. You should not make demads of people that they change so that the two of you can get along better. Instead, do yourself a favor and make yourself in to the kind of person that will please the kind of person you want to marry.
Change is always hard, but it is always worth it. Keep that in mind as you decide from now on that you are going to change and adapt to get along with others rather than expect them to fix their problems to get along with you.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tricks to making a Good First Impression
Tricks to making good first impressions
It kills me to be writing an article about this because there are a lot of parts in this article that dip into the things I teach in my 8-week program. Needless to say, I’m purposely going to be vague to encourage you to sign up for my services.
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The first few minutes of meeting someone can make or break your relationship with that person. Imagine you just meet the most attractive guy or girl in your life, now what? You will do one of three things 1) make no impression, 2) make a poor impression, or 3) make a good impression.
“No Impression” – All this means is that the other person didn’t notice you, or if they did, you didn’t set yourself enough apart from other people for them to care.
“Bad Impression” – A bad impression happens when you make a distinct impression on the other person and that impression makes you undesirable to them. –(You don’t want this).
“Good impressions” – Whenever you make a distinct impression on someone and it isn’t a bad one, then you left a good impression.
Hopefully, whenever you make no impression on someone you find attractive, you will still have the chance to try again at making a good impression on them. If you do not make a 'good' first impression, you will have NO chance of building a relationship with them.
Making a good first impression is based on your ability to impress people with your physical, mental, and emotional status. But don’t get confused about this: you can’t go around openly expressing your best traits because it’s a turnoff (it's also called bragging). So how do you do it in a way that people will find acceptable?
First, “Be the right person for the right person.” Personal development is the first step to making a good first impression. People love associating with others who are interesting and who they can relate to. Fortunately, everyone is interesting, even you; you just need to find what makes you interesting to other people. Figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are and think about how you can lead a conversation into those ares.
Second, (okay it's more like first, because personal development is a given) look the part. Would a cowgirl look for anything other than a cowboy?—probably not. There is a culture behind everything that we wear and the way in which we wear them. Subconsciously, society has developed a method for grouping people they wish to associate with and excluding those they don’t want to be involved with. Simply put, if you want to make a good physical impression, dress the part. That means wearing nice clothes if you want to attract good attention, and if you are a girl, wearing makeup and taking care of your hair is a must. If you are a guy, keeping yourself clean and well-kept is a must.
Third, sound intelligent. Educated people speak differently than those who are dumb as rocks. An obvious example is the accent you use, people are more turned on or off by the terms and phrases you use and the subjects you choose to talk about. –again, for some reason, people like to drop "important" topics into a conversation to show that they are “smart”. But by forcing it, people will see right through you and assume that you are just out to brag (not a good thing). Communicating with tact, like the other traits, is a skill you simply have to learn if you want to be looked at as more than just a stuck up man or woman.
Forth, Being comfortable with who you are. Self-confidence and optimism go a long way to impressing people.
A lot is invested in the first few moments of meeting someone. There are many things you can do to prepare beforehand so that when the opportunity arises you can blow the competition out of the water and make a strong (good) impression. The purpose of a good first impression is to open doors to a future relationship with that person. Think of it as the first brick put on a building.
It kills me to be writing an article about this because there are a lot of parts in this article that dip into the things I teach in my 8-week program. Needless to say, I’m purposely going to be vague to encourage you to sign up for my services.
---
The first few minutes of meeting someone can make or break your relationship with that person. Imagine you just meet the most attractive guy or girl in your life, now what? You will do one of three things 1) make no impression, 2) make a poor impression, or 3) make a good impression.
“No Impression” – All this means is that the other person didn’t notice you, or if they did, you didn’t set yourself enough apart from other people for them to care.
“Bad Impression” – A bad impression happens when you make a distinct impression on the other person and that impression makes you undesirable to them. –(You don’t want this).
“Good impressions” – Whenever you make a distinct impression on someone and it isn’t a bad one, then you left a good impression.
Hopefully, whenever you make no impression on someone you find attractive, you will still have the chance to try again at making a good impression on them. If you do not make a 'good' first impression, you will have NO chance of building a relationship with them.
Making a good first impression is based on your ability to impress people with your physical, mental, and emotional status. But don’t get confused about this: you can’t go around openly expressing your best traits because it’s a turnoff (it's also called bragging). So how do you do it in a way that people will find acceptable?
First, “Be the right person for the right person.” Personal development is the first step to making a good first impression. People love associating with others who are interesting and who they can relate to. Fortunately, everyone is interesting, even you; you just need to find what makes you interesting to other people. Figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are and think about how you can lead a conversation into those ares.
Second, (okay it's more like first, because personal development is a given) look the part. Would a cowgirl look for anything other than a cowboy?—probably not. There is a culture behind everything that we wear and the way in which we wear them. Subconsciously, society has developed a method for grouping people they wish to associate with and excluding those they don’t want to be involved with. Simply put, if you want to make a good physical impression, dress the part. That means wearing nice clothes if you want to attract good attention, and if you are a girl, wearing makeup and taking care of your hair is a must. If you are a guy, keeping yourself clean and well-kept is a must.
Third, sound intelligent. Educated people speak differently than those who are dumb as rocks. An obvious example is the accent you use, people are more turned on or off by the terms and phrases you use and the subjects you choose to talk about. –again, for some reason, people like to drop "important" topics into a conversation to show that they are “smart”. But by forcing it, people will see right through you and assume that you are just out to brag (not a good thing). Communicating with tact, like the other traits, is a skill you simply have to learn if you want to be looked at as more than just a stuck up man or woman.
Forth, Being comfortable with who you are. Self-confidence and optimism go a long way to impressing people.
A lot is invested in the first few moments of meeting someone. There are many things you can do to prepare beforehand so that when the opportunity arises you can blow the competition out of the water and make a strong (good) impression. The purpose of a good first impression is to open doors to a future relationship with that person. Think of it as the first brick put on a building.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Why Relationships Matter So Much
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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.
I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.
Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.
In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.
Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.
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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.
I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.
Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.
In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.
Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.
[Next Page]
Sunday, November 21, 2010
How to set reasonable Goals
Often times it seems like there is a disconnection between the things people want from life and the way they think life will happen for them. These two things can be summarized with the words: Goals and Plans. Plans are different from goals. Goals are objectives or targets that you are aiming for; they are what you want from life. Plans are the methods you will use to reach those goals, and plans are the way you think life will happen for you.
If your plans are not reasonable, you will have a hard time accomplishing your goals. If your goals are not reasonable, you will either never achieve them, or you will sacrifice too much to obtain them.
What makes a goal unreasonable? Two things can make a goal unreasonable: 1) it conflicts with other goals. 2) It isn’t what you really want.
If you have too many goals, you might find that some of them are conflicting—you might need to sacrifice one in order to get the other, or you might have to postpone one for the other. Goals that conflict with other goals are too narrow or too broad; they fail to take into consideration your other wants and needs. If they are too broad, when you have conflicts you will prioritize the other goals. –At first I said that this makes a goal unreasonable; this is not entirely true. The goal is not unreasonable until it becomes impossible for you to do both.
Again, if you are willing to postpone one goal for another, then your goal is still somewhat reasonable as long as you can still accomplish both. However, you need to be cautious because no one can see into the future. While trading stocks in the stock market a person can both sell too early and sell too late.—sometimes when we choose to postpone our goals we miss out on the best possible moment for them or we postpone our goals only to discover that they are outdated or too challenging later in life.
Take for instance climbing Mount Everest; a person might postpone their goal of climbing and then get in a car accident that paralyzes them from the waist down. Or they might postpone their goal of climbing only to grow too old to climb. Had they gone they would have had meaningful experiences to draw on during the hard times of their life.
When you set a goal, you also need to be attached to that goal. Long-term goals take time and devotion, and if you don’t truly want that goal, you won’t feel motivated to accomplish it. Even if you do manage to accomplish that goal, it will not bring you satisfaction. You cannot set goals just because other people want you to do things; you will need to set goals that you want to reach. If not, in the end, they will not bring you the satisfaction that you want for all the work that you do. Or, when the trials and the challenges to accomplishing your goal kick in, you will have a worse time bearing through those challenges than if it were a goal you were attached to.
Having a goal is still better than not having any goals, but what really counts is the plans that you make in order to accomplish those goals. There is a good saying for this: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Failure happens when you don’t succeed at your goals. No one wants to fail; in fact, most people have a fear of failure. Even when you have reasonable goals, if you try to accomplish those goals in an indirect way, you may fail. For instance, you might have a reasonable goal to cook a good meal every day of the week but fail to plan correctly by not purchasing the ingredients necessary or allowing yourself enough time in your schedule to cook.—you could have reached that goal if you had made better plans.
What makes a good plan? A good plan is detailed, specific, and direct. A good plan includes how you will prepare, how you will execute it, and how you will track your progress, as well what steps you will take in case you are not on schedule (plan b). In the cooking example, in order to have a good plan, you would need to have all your ingredients, decide on what meals you will cook and how long they will take to make, and you might want to have a back-up plan of something simple to make in case you are running behind schedule or you misplace one of your ingredients.
After you have a good goal and a good plan, you need to ask yourself one last time what the big picture is:
If you compare this goal to your other goals, which would you rather do? Do they have any immediate conflicts? What steps might you have to take in order to accomplish both goals on time? Are you willing to prioritize one goal over the other when conflicts arise? Will it be worth it still if you have to prioritize it over your other goals?
The ultimate “big picture” question is whether there is another goal that supersedes this goal. If you want to quit eating out because it’s expensive, a better goal would be to manage all of your finances—it may be possible for you to still eat out whenever you like, for instance, if you’d stop buying candy and pop at the gas station.
With an understanding of how to set reasonable goals and plans, you will be more successful in life and gain a greater satisfaction for accomplishing things. These goals will help you get what you want out of life and you will have a good understanding of how they will happen for you.
Now is a good time for you to re-evaluate your present goals and plans for the big areas of your life: career, school, family, marriage and spiritual. Are there any conflicts? Which is more important to you? If you postpone either of them, will you still be able to do them later? Will it be unnecessarily harder?
In the end, is it likely that things will turn out the way you expect them to? What do you need to do today in order to prepare to meet your goals?
If your plans are not reasonable, you will have a hard time accomplishing your goals. If your goals are not reasonable, you will either never achieve them, or you will sacrifice too much to obtain them.
What makes a goal unreasonable? Two things can make a goal unreasonable: 1) it conflicts with other goals. 2) It isn’t what you really want.
If you have too many goals, you might find that some of them are conflicting—you might need to sacrifice one in order to get the other, or you might have to postpone one for the other. Goals that conflict with other goals are too narrow or too broad; they fail to take into consideration your other wants and needs. If they are too broad, when you have conflicts you will prioritize the other goals. –At first I said that this makes a goal unreasonable; this is not entirely true. The goal is not unreasonable until it becomes impossible for you to do both.
Again, if you are willing to postpone one goal for another, then your goal is still somewhat reasonable as long as you can still accomplish both. However, you need to be cautious because no one can see into the future. While trading stocks in the stock market a person can both sell too early and sell too late.—sometimes when we choose to postpone our goals we miss out on the best possible moment for them or we postpone our goals only to discover that they are outdated or too challenging later in life.
Take for instance climbing Mount Everest; a person might postpone their goal of climbing and then get in a car accident that paralyzes them from the waist down. Or they might postpone their goal of climbing only to grow too old to climb. Had they gone they would have had meaningful experiences to draw on during the hard times of their life.
When you set a goal, you also need to be attached to that goal. Long-term goals take time and devotion, and if you don’t truly want that goal, you won’t feel motivated to accomplish it. Even if you do manage to accomplish that goal, it will not bring you satisfaction. You cannot set goals just because other people want you to do things; you will need to set goals that you want to reach. If not, in the end, they will not bring you the satisfaction that you want for all the work that you do. Or, when the trials and the challenges to accomplishing your goal kick in, you will have a worse time bearing through those challenges than if it were a goal you were attached to.
Having a goal is still better than not having any goals, but what really counts is the plans that you make in order to accomplish those goals. There is a good saying for this: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Failure happens when you don’t succeed at your goals. No one wants to fail; in fact, most people have a fear of failure. Even when you have reasonable goals, if you try to accomplish those goals in an indirect way, you may fail. For instance, you might have a reasonable goal to cook a good meal every day of the week but fail to plan correctly by not purchasing the ingredients necessary or allowing yourself enough time in your schedule to cook.—you could have reached that goal if you had made better plans.
What makes a good plan? A good plan is detailed, specific, and direct. A good plan includes how you will prepare, how you will execute it, and how you will track your progress, as well what steps you will take in case you are not on schedule (plan b). In the cooking example, in order to have a good plan, you would need to have all your ingredients, decide on what meals you will cook and how long they will take to make, and you might want to have a back-up plan of something simple to make in case you are running behind schedule or you misplace one of your ingredients.
After you have a good goal and a good plan, you need to ask yourself one last time what the big picture is:
- Why do you want to accomplish this goal?
- How much of a priority is it and how much are you willing to sacrifice for it?
- And is there another goal that would be better to work towards?
If you compare this goal to your other goals, which would you rather do? Do they have any immediate conflicts? What steps might you have to take in order to accomplish both goals on time? Are you willing to prioritize one goal over the other when conflicts arise? Will it be worth it still if you have to prioritize it over your other goals?
The ultimate “big picture” question is whether there is another goal that supersedes this goal. If you want to quit eating out because it’s expensive, a better goal would be to manage all of your finances—it may be possible for you to still eat out whenever you like, for instance, if you’d stop buying candy and pop at the gas station.
With an understanding of how to set reasonable goals and plans, you will be more successful in life and gain a greater satisfaction for accomplishing things. These goals will help you get what you want out of life and you will have a good understanding of how they will happen for you.
Now is a good time for you to re-evaluate your present goals and plans for the big areas of your life: career, school, family, marriage and spiritual. Are there any conflicts? Which is more important to you? If you postpone either of them, will you still be able to do them later? Will it be unnecessarily harder?
In the end, is it likely that things will turn out the way you expect them to? What do you need to do today in order to prepare to meet your goals?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What to do When You Have a Broken Heart
At least once in your lifetime, you will likely experience what it feels like to have your heart broken. It is the feeling of emotional pain after losing something that you are attached to. Perhaps you have asked yourself these questions after the experience:
It is okay to feel this kind of emotional pain; you feel heart broken when you get attached to someone and you realize that you cannot be with them anymore. It can happen when someone close to you dies, moves away, or breaks up with you; and it can even happen when you are rejected by someone you like.
When you are heart broken, you might feel like it would be hard for you to go back to caring about someone else—that somehow the pain you feel now will never be replaced, and that it’s just not worth it to find someone else to get attached to. However, there is hope. You will get over them, you will move on and eventually everything will work out.
But before things will heal and before the pain goes away, you need to change a few things in your life. Many people, when they get into this situation, spend their time sulking around. -–This is not good for you. You should avoid anything that makes you feel “comfortable” with your present situation. This includes depressing or angry music or support groups that merely amount to criticizing the other person. Instead, you should do things that are positive, listen to good music, do things that will make you happy, and stop analyzing the situation. Try spending more time with your friends or going out to meet new people.
Having a broken heart, such as this, is just one of many of the experiences you will have to face in life. You will learn many things each time that it happens to you. Having your heart broken helps you to learn to be less selfish, it helps you to appreciate those people who are already a part of your life, and it helps you to better appreciate the person who you will eventually spend eternity with. Just like any other trial, God allows this to happen for your own good; but also like any other trial, He will help you through it if you turn to Him.
Simply put, there isn’t any one way to avoid getting heart broken in the future. You will have your up periods and your down times regardless of what you do. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.
If it happens to you frequently, you might feel frustrated enough that you would want to give up all together. You could develop a fear of getting hurt and that fear could lead you to also fear taking risks. But, you cannot go through life without taking risks. Everyone is afraid of taking risks, most people are afraid of failure, but who is the author of fear and doubt? Who wants you to fail in life? --Satan does. God wants you to succeed! He wants you to be happy, and he wants you to not only find the things that will bring you joy in life, but to also hold onto them. What more would Heavenly Father want for you then to get married in His holy house?
You essentially have the three most powerful people in universe on your side The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, you cannot fail.
Let me put things into perspective: Why do we risk embarrassment when we ask her for her number? Why do we take the risk of being rejected when we are asking a guy on a date? Why do we risk telling her how we feel about her even though she might not feel the same way? Why do we spend so much time with him instead of doing other things that will aid us in the future? Why do we risk being turned down when we propose to her? -–Simply put, because it is worth it. When you do these things, you at least have the chance of great things happening, but when you do none of them-—if you take a passenger’s seat ride through life—-you have no chance of great things happening for you.
You cannot go through life expecting good things to happen for you when you have done nothing to make them happen. This is a fairy-tale/fantasy mindset. In the real world, people are blessed based on what they work for and the kinds of risks that they take; the greater the risk, the greater the blessing. The harder you work for success with the risks you take, the more likely they will work in your favor. The same is true when it comes to dating.--If you truly want to get married some day so that you don't spend your life alone, then you need to take those scary, and often heart-breaking, risks and hope for the best. You never know how well things will turn out until you try for them.
And if this doesn't seem to help you, your parents, your bishop, your stake president, all of the prophets, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have all promised you that getting married in the temple will be worth it. There should be no doubt in your mind as to whether this is true. So the next time that you are about to take some form of risk that is a step towards a temple marriage, whether it is flirting with the guy around the corner or asking a girl on a date, remember that it will be incredibly worth it in the end; and the Lord will be on your side to help you succeed.
- Why do I feel this way?
- It hurts so bad that I wonder, is it really worth it?
- What can I do to avoid getting hurt in the future?
- How do I get over losing him or her?
It is okay to feel this kind of emotional pain; you feel heart broken when you get attached to someone and you realize that you cannot be with them anymore. It can happen when someone close to you dies, moves away, or breaks up with you; and it can even happen when you are rejected by someone you like.
When you are heart broken, you might feel like it would be hard for you to go back to caring about someone else—that somehow the pain you feel now will never be replaced, and that it’s just not worth it to find someone else to get attached to. However, there is hope. You will get over them, you will move on and eventually everything will work out.
But before things will heal and before the pain goes away, you need to change a few things in your life. Many people, when they get into this situation, spend their time sulking around. -–This is not good for you. You should avoid anything that makes you feel “comfortable” with your present situation. This includes depressing or angry music or support groups that merely amount to criticizing the other person. Instead, you should do things that are positive, listen to good music, do things that will make you happy, and stop analyzing the situation. Try spending more time with your friends or going out to meet new people.
Having a broken heart, such as this, is just one of many of the experiences you will have to face in life. You will learn many things each time that it happens to you. Having your heart broken helps you to learn to be less selfish, it helps you to appreciate those people who are already a part of your life, and it helps you to better appreciate the person who you will eventually spend eternity with. Just like any other trial, God allows this to happen for your own good; but also like any other trial, He will help you through it if you turn to Him.
Simply put, there isn’t any one way to avoid getting heart broken in the future. You will have your up periods and your down times regardless of what you do. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.
If it happens to you frequently, you might feel frustrated enough that you would want to give up all together. You could develop a fear of getting hurt and that fear could lead you to also fear taking risks. But, you cannot go through life without taking risks. Everyone is afraid of taking risks, most people are afraid of failure, but who is the author of fear and doubt? Who wants you to fail in life? --Satan does. God wants you to succeed! He wants you to be happy, and he wants you to not only find the things that will bring you joy in life, but to also hold onto them. What more would Heavenly Father want for you then to get married in His holy house?
You essentially have the three most powerful people in universe on your side The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, you cannot fail.
Let me put things into perspective: Why do we risk embarrassment when we ask her for her number? Why do we take the risk of being rejected when we are asking a guy on a date? Why do we risk telling her how we feel about her even though she might not feel the same way? Why do we spend so much time with him instead of doing other things that will aid us in the future? Why do we risk being turned down when we propose to her? -–Simply put, because it is worth it. When you do these things, you at least have the chance of great things happening, but when you do none of them-—if you take a passenger’s seat ride through life—-you have no chance of great things happening for you.
You cannot go through life expecting good things to happen for you when you have done nothing to make them happen. This is a fairy-tale/fantasy mindset. In the real world, people are blessed based on what they work for and the kinds of risks that they take; the greater the risk, the greater the blessing. The harder you work for success with the risks you take, the more likely they will work in your favor. The same is true when it comes to dating.--If you truly want to get married some day so that you don't spend your life alone, then you need to take those scary, and often heart-breaking, risks and hope for the best. You never know how well things will turn out until you try for them.
And if this doesn't seem to help you, your parents, your bishop, your stake president, all of the prophets, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have all promised you that getting married in the temple will be worth it. There should be no doubt in your mind as to whether this is true. So the next time that you are about to take some form of risk that is a step towards a temple marriage, whether it is flirting with the guy around the corner or asking a girl on a date, remember that it will be incredibly worth it in the end; and the Lord will be on your side to help you succeed.
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