This article has been replaced and expanded by a couple of better versions(sorry, non-video) on my new blog: RDC Coaching
Here is the new article: Why ALL Relationships are Risks
New Podcast: Common Relationship Cycle #2 - Walking Away
You can still watch the old video on my youtube page here.
Showing posts with label courting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label courting. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Foundations Episode 3
Recap:
Always be ready for the next thing.
Getting asked for your number or asking someone for their number will lead to a date. Going on a few dates with someone will lead up to a relationship with them. If you stick with a relationship long enough it will turn into marriage. So always be ready for the next step; and if you aren't right now, start preparing for it.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
How comparing yourself to others affects your relationships
This week’s article is on a subject I feel everyone can relate to: Comparing ourselves to other people and how it relates to our relationships with others. I’m sure you have experienced it before, when your friend gets blessed with something in life and you feel like they don’t deserve it. Or you wish that you were as successful as someone else.--You wish you had a boyfriend/girlfriend like all of the other people your age.--You want to feel loved by another person and have those passionate feelings for someone else. But comparing yourself to other people is bad because it limits you from reaching YOUR potential.
Here, let me explain:
Everyone is different, everyone is unique. No two people experience the exact same life or go through the same ups and downs. Our lives are carefully guided by the creator who desires for us to reach our potential and continue learning and growing. You will experience specific situations that only YOU could grow from, and they will happen at a time when you need to learn those lessons the most. You may be given trials or hurdles that you need to overcome, or you may be given barriers that prevent you from advancing at the present time. But these things are for your benefit. And they may be things that others never have to experience, but guess what? –That’s the beauty of this life: Your life is YOUR life.
The relationships in your life can be severely affected by your perceived need to be equal to others around you. After all, you fill your sphere with people who are supposedly at the same level as you are, right? Not necessarily. You fill your life with people who may share commonalities in personality, and have similar interests, but that doesn’t mean that they are on the same level as you are. We’re talking about maturity. Even as an adult, you will find that not all adults are on the same level of maturity as you are. Again, this goes back to life experiences.
We are shaped in life by the situations we are put into. Imagine your most challenging experiences in life and picture what your life would be like if you didn’t have to go through them, would you be the same as you are today?
So how does all of this relate to comparing ourselves to others?
When you compare yourself to other people and feel as though you need to be doing the same things as they are, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, traveling the world, moving away from home, buying a house, going to school, etc. You set yourself up to miss the important aspects of having these things in order to 'measure up' to your peers. There is an old saying that illuminates this principle: “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” –Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is good, but merely having one to say you have one misses the point. Traveling the world can be fun and grand, but if all you do is go to the location, take a few pictures to brag about it later, and then return home unchanged, you have missed the mark on why traveling is so exciting. Moving away from home can grant you a lot of freedom, but it also comes with responsibilities and if you are not prepared for them you can get into a lot of trouble. –I think I have made myself clear: Just because others are doing it does not mean it is right for you.
The opposite can be true as well: just because others are NOT doing it, does not mean that it is right for you. When others are postponing marriage or choosing to not attend additional schooling, etc. you still need to decide for yourself what is right for you.
But how does all of this relate to having good relationships???
Good relationships are not an end result. In other words, you can’t merely arrive at a good relationship one day. Having a good relationship is a constant process, it is the “journey”. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you both need to be heading in the right direction—you need to be working towards the same things. If you are heading in one direction, and the other person is heading in the other, then you really aren’t going anywhere together—you’re just brushing paths occasionally!
Being specific: When you are out to have a relationship with someone just so that you can say that you are dating someone, and they agree to date you thinking in their mind that the two of you could have something special going on, then you both aren’t heading in the same direction. He or she is heading towards the settling down stage and you are heading towards impressing/pleasing those around you who wonder why you are not dating anyone.
Remember that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Just because your friends are getting married, or because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends, that does not mean that you are ready to do so. Maturity is crucial here.
Yes, you should be working towards getting married because it is as much a part of life as moving away from home is; but you should not get into a relationship just because other people are getting into them or merely because you want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, you should get into a relationship because you have found someone who you can spend eternity with.
Marriage isn’t a destination, just like a relationship isn’t a destination; it is a part of your journey through life. You will need the assistance of another individual in order to continue progressing, growing, and reaching new levels in life.—No one is meant to go alone through life, you will need someone to help you meet specific challenges head-on and overcome trials. This isn’t something you can simply “obtain” or “reach”, it is a continual process. In order to have a good relationship, you will need to continually nourish that relationship. Just like a plant cannot continue to grow and will likely die without your support in feeding it water and sunlight, in order to have a good relationship you need to continually nourish the relationship because without nourishment, it will fade away and die.
So next time you see your friends and peers doing things that you wish you could be doing and you start to compare yourself to them wishing desperately that you could have the things that they have, or do the things they do, just remember: they are at a different level than you are (they may even be at a lower level and you have grown passed such things), and they are on a different path than you are—you’re heading where you need to go, and they are heading where they need to go.
If you make the effort to look for it, you will find that there are plenty of the opposite sex heading in exactly the same direction as you are (progression wise), you just might need to take a side-quest or an alternate route in your journey in order to compensate for them so that you can continue your journey together.
Here, let me explain:
Everyone is different, everyone is unique. No two people experience the exact same life or go through the same ups and downs. Our lives are carefully guided by the creator who desires for us to reach our potential and continue learning and growing. You will experience specific situations that only YOU could grow from, and they will happen at a time when you need to learn those lessons the most. You may be given trials or hurdles that you need to overcome, or you may be given barriers that prevent you from advancing at the present time. But these things are for your benefit. And they may be things that others never have to experience, but guess what? –That’s the beauty of this life: Your life is YOUR life.
The relationships in your life can be severely affected by your perceived need to be equal to others around you. After all, you fill your sphere with people who are supposedly at the same level as you are, right? Not necessarily. You fill your life with people who may share commonalities in personality, and have similar interests, but that doesn’t mean that they are on the same level as you are. We’re talking about maturity. Even as an adult, you will find that not all adults are on the same level of maturity as you are. Again, this goes back to life experiences.
We are shaped in life by the situations we are put into. Imagine your most challenging experiences in life and picture what your life would be like if you didn’t have to go through them, would you be the same as you are today?
So how does all of this relate to comparing ourselves to others?
When you compare yourself to other people and feel as though you need to be doing the same things as they are, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, traveling the world, moving away from home, buying a house, going to school, etc. You set yourself up to miss the important aspects of having these things in order to 'measure up' to your peers. There is an old saying that illuminates this principle: “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” –Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is good, but merely having one to say you have one misses the point. Traveling the world can be fun and grand, but if all you do is go to the location, take a few pictures to brag about it later, and then return home unchanged, you have missed the mark on why traveling is so exciting. Moving away from home can grant you a lot of freedom, but it also comes with responsibilities and if you are not prepared for them you can get into a lot of trouble. –I think I have made myself clear: Just because others are doing it does not mean it is right for you.
The opposite can be true as well: just because others are NOT doing it, does not mean that it is right for you. When others are postponing marriage or choosing to not attend additional schooling, etc. you still need to decide for yourself what is right for you.
But how does all of this relate to having good relationships???
Good relationships are not an end result. In other words, you can’t merely arrive at a good relationship one day. Having a good relationship is a constant process, it is the “journey”. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you both need to be heading in the right direction—you need to be working towards the same things. If you are heading in one direction, and the other person is heading in the other, then you really aren’t going anywhere together—you’re just brushing paths occasionally!
Being specific: When you are out to have a relationship with someone just so that you can say that you are dating someone, and they agree to date you thinking in their mind that the two of you could have something special going on, then you both aren’t heading in the same direction. He or she is heading towards the settling down stage and you are heading towards impressing/pleasing those around you who wonder why you are not dating anyone.
Remember that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Just because your friends are getting married, or because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends, that does not mean that you are ready to do so. Maturity is crucial here.
Yes, you should be working towards getting married because it is as much a part of life as moving away from home is; but you should not get into a relationship just because other people are getting into them or merely because you want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, you should get into a relationship because you have found someone who you can spend eternity with.
Marriage isn’t a destination, just like a relationship isn’t a destination; it is a part of your journey through life. You will need the assistance of another individual in order to continue progressing, growing, and reaching new levels in life.—No one is meant to go alone through life, you will need someone to help you meet specific challenges head-on and overcome trials. This isn’t something you can simply “obtain” or “reach”, it is a continual process. In order to have a good relationship, you will need to continually nourish that relationship. Just like a plant cannot continue to grow and will likely die without your support in feeding it water and sunlight, in order to have a good relationship you need to continually nourish the relationship because without nourishment, it will fade away and die.
So next time you see your friends and peers doing things that you wish you could be doing and you start to compare yourself to them wishing desperately that you could have the things that they have, or do the things they do, just remember: they are at a different level than you are (they may even be at a lower level and you have grown passed such things), and they are on a different path than you are—you’re heading where you need to go, and they are heading where they need to go.
If you make the effort to look for it, you will find that there are plenty of the opposite sex heading in exactly the same direction as you are (progression wise), you just might need to take a side-quest or an alternate route in your journey in order to compensate for them so that you can continue your journey together.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
You don't have to play "The Game"
I have received a few questions about this recently, so I feel like for this fifth Sunday post, I will address this topic. Typically people will ask me something about how they are performing when playing “the game” and why they aren’t “winning” the game, why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are so skilled at having fun times with other people. Let me first make a statement that I think you will grow to appreciate: “Playing games is for kids” and when you’re an adult, you don’t play the same games as you did when you were younger.
What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.
If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.
“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.
With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.
So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.
What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.
If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.
“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.
With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.
So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.
- Real Relationships are Honest –You can’t lie about yourself, your talents, or your situation or when he or she starts to question you, these things will be brought up, and he or she won’t trust you, will re-decide and will probably determine that they don’t like you, and he or she may not want to marry you. If you’re poor, don’t say you’re rich. If you’re not good at something, don’t say that you are. If you don’t like pets, and he or she does, don’t tell him or her that you like them, and don’t do the same with kids. How could you ever expect to plan your lives together if he or she doesn’t know what your life is really like?
Also, when you can be honest, you can tell the other person that you like them and have no worries about them trusting you. A pattern of honesty is worth more than an action of statement—you can show someone you love them better by being honest with them and telling them that you love them, rather than buying them flowers or gifts and being dishonest on occasion. - Real Relationships Balance Flirting. –When you flirt too much and don’t have ‘serious time’, your relationship can’t progress. You need to have serious moments now and again where you have the time to talk about making life plans together. Relationships are not fun and “games”. They have exciting times, sure, but they are primarily serious. Don’t think of relationships as hobbies or things you do for entertainment, going out to meet people, although fun, still needs to lead to a serious relationship. This is precisely why I have always discouraged short-term relationships: they do not teach you how to have lasting, serious relationships.
- Real Relationships are Prepared to Advance -- When you get married, what are your plans? When you begin to court someone, where would you like it to lead? When you date someone, do you plan on eventually having a long-term relationship with them, or a short-term relationship? When you go out looking for guys or girls to hit on, are you doing it for fun, or are you doing it because you want a relationship? Before you take any interest in dating someone, you should be comfortable with what comes next: a relationship. And when you enter into a relationship, you should be comfortable with what comes next: an exclusive relationship/courting. These things lead up to each other, and if you have no intentions of advancing into the next area or you are incapable of doing so (maybe you aren’t ready for commitment, or you have other things you need to work out), then you will not be able to progress, and you shouldn’t attempt to until you are ready. That is called "leading people on".
If you are in a relationship, it will reach a standstill, if you are dating people, none of them will develop into courtships, or if you hit on someone it won’t ever reach the next stage: a date. Start by preparing yourself and everything else will fall into place. - Real relationships are not political-—I could not think of a better way to put this. There aren’t any politics behind real relationships. You don’t need to make the other person feel like you are their best chance in life because you are in high demand and all the boys or girls want you (reread #2). You don’t need to prove anything to him or her that you are the perfect match (reread #1). You don’t need to use spite against them when they decide not to advance with you; if your relationship ends, or you stop dating, or you don’t even get a first date, who cares? Trying to get back at them will not help you, in fact it will only hurt them and…“what goes around comes around”—You will get hurt more than anything you could do to them. You do not need to one-up them, or score on them to get more points than they do. Dating is not a game!
It is when two mature individuals decide to work out their differences that they decide to get married. If marriage is your goal, then you should stop acting like dating is just a fun thing you do for entertainment and hoping that one day you will marry a husband or wife who will keep you entertained every day for the rest of your life. Instead, you should start acting like dating is part of a larger goal that you are working towards, and that you want it to be the best it can be.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Why Relationships Matter So Much
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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.
I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.
Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.
In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.
Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.
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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.
I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.
Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.
In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.
Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.
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Sunday, January 30, 2011
Steps that Lead up to Marriage
This article has been moved to my new website. I broke it into two articles:
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Go read the new articles and check out the new website!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Plan for Marriage
For starters, I want to announce the special occasion that I have moved all of my articles out of facebook and into the blogger website. I have a feeling this will be much easier for me to organize and help people read and follow what I write.
The topic I wanted to write about today goes along well with the last article I wrote about advancing from one step in a relationship to another. This time I’m going to take a step back and explain some situations that lead up to having a relationship. I’ve heard a couple people talk about how they’re still in a certain “stage” of dating. It is implied, with some of these same people who are in that mindset, that these stages require them to perform a specific “type” of date and that they must be done in a set order.
I would describe this as “The Plan for Marriage”.
Their order typically goes something like this:
Mingling – Group dating – Non-committed Dating – Committed Dating – Courting – and then Marriage.
They point out the specifics behind each type of date, and mostly agree with their reasoning but with some differences. There ideas are:
Mingling is more of a pre-step to building a relationship. It’s going to an activity and saying “hi” to someone and meeting them for the first time. Group dating is designed to put them in a non-awkward position where they can get to know a person a little more and decide who they want to single out for the next type of date, Non-Committed dating, which can be double or single dating in their opinion. It is meant to get to know a person even better, but at the same time, such people will also be dating other people so there isn’t really any ties that bind the pair together. Then comes Committed dating where both people agree that they won’t date anyone else and they “test” out the other person to see if they are worthy of advancing to the next stage. Courting is the final stage to “dating” in such people’s mind and is meant to be some sort of pre-engagement as well as full engagement where they work out their final problems before: Nuh nununuhhh! Marriage. Everyone seems to stop there without explaining marriage, so I’m going to assume that I know what they are talking about.
While this “Plan” for dating sounds well and good, I think there are a bunch of missing pieces as well as parts that have been assumed, some of which are assumed incorrectly. Let me proceed to explain my own “Plan” as I feel it might shed some light on this subject.
For the sake of congruency I’m going to use the same names, however, my definition is slightly different:
Mingling – Dating – Courting – Marriage.
Mingling: This seems to be the same as what everyone agrees that it is. You go to parties, you attend events, you go to gatherings with the same interests as you, and you meet people. You find people who you “connect” with or people who you find attractive and you ask for their phone number or some other means of getting ahold of them in the future.
Dating: Here is where the instant difference comes in. This is more like the concept of “Non-committed” dating where you aren’t tied down to anyone but you’re going on dates to get to know the other person, however, I wouldn’t draw a line between the popular definition of committed and non-committed dating. Dating is dating. Your objective should be to decide if you want to settle down with an individual. You can accomplish this in many ways, and I will touch on this a little further on in this article, but essentially there shouldn’t be a need to make this complex.
Courting: This is where I think most people get thrown off. Of all the articles out that that encourage singles to relearn how to court, not many of them go in depth about what it actually is, and those that do still provide a lot of room for misinterpretation. Courting is very similar to the modern term of “boyfriend/girlfriend” or (and here’s the tricky term) “dating” as in, “I am dating Shelby Tang”. Courting could be described as a diplomatic relationship between two people, one male one female. It is typically initiated verbally and though it is slightly binding, it can be dissolved depending on circumstances. The agreed upon terms are that both parties will choose not to date other people. Think of it as an alliance.
This “alliance” brings trust into the relationship; whereas before trust wasn’t a necessary component and either side could pursue other people. This provides the opportunity to test one’s level of trust in a lower-risk situation. Humans have ingrained in them a need to require trust and most social organizations have methods in which trust is secured; whether it is through a written contract, a computer password, or a specific understanding of information, we desire trust and we expect it in every aspect of our lives. While we are courting, we have the opportunity to share personal information with the other person such as our dreams, goals, and life plans. Lasting relationships are based on the things discussed in courting.
Because both parties have agreed to enter into a strict relationship of trust, there is the benefit of increased comfort and security. Without such comfort and security, it would be difficult to cover the necessary volumes of information that is needed before making further commitments to one another.
Marriage: Marriage is that “further commitment”. Once you have courted sufficiently and are comfortable with one another, love one another, are attracted to one another, understand a great deal about one other, and feel completely safe and secure with one another, then the agreement to get married is initiated. This is called engagement. During engagement, courting continues until the wedding day. After they are married, the couple will continue to develop trust for one another, they will continue to grow with one another, they will continue to love one another and be attracted to one another. If courting were compared to an alliance between two countries, marriage would be a complete union of countries where there are no longer two countries but there is only one country. This doesn’t mean that the end is reached; it means that they have fully agreed to never date or look at another person of the opposite sex. This is the ultimate trust, and they do this because of the benefits that come with it. Both parties benefit from making this agreement.
Now to return to the previous point I made. During the dating period, your objective is to decide if you would like to enter into a (courting) relationship with the other person. Finding is not a part of this stage. All of your finding should take place during the “Mingling” stage, so don’t approach a date as though you are going to “find” someone, as you have already found someone. Think of it as digging through a raspberry patch. Once you find a raspberry, you need to decide if it is worth it to eat it right now or to leave it alone and let it develop more and possibly you will return to the raspberry if someone hasn’t already eaten it. Dating is like examining the berry.
That said, I would like to touch on three kinds of dates: Group dates, double dates, and single dates. Group dates are defined as dates in which many people, as a group, do something, anything, that allows them to get to know each of the members in the group better. Double dates are dates in which four people, two guys and two girls, do something, anything, that allows them to get to know each other better. Single dates are dates between two people, a guy and a girl, in which both people get to know each other. They are personal. However, it is important to understand that the more people in the group, the less you will get to know the other people. One reason for this is time. You can only pay attention to one person at a time and since there are more people trying to get your attention, you will not be able to notice everything about everyone. Try reading the first page of 10 books or reading 10 pages of one book, there is a major difference in the amount of information you get from each scenario.
Theoretically, one could say that over time they could get to know everyone in the group if they go on enough dates as a group with them all. Such people fail to recognize another big benefit provided in single dating, and that is privacy. Most people don’t or won’t open up unless there is some level of trust or safety and security provided to them. In a group, some people don’t like to compete for attention, with others all they do is compete for attention. Both types of people are not being themselves; the first will guard their personality and the second will hype up and lie about their personality just to get attention. In order to truly get to know a person, you have to be alone with them. Yes, there is a risk that going on a single date will be awkward, but there is also a risk that it will be amazing and that you will instantly connect with the other person. You will have to take risks in order to marry the perfect person for you.
Group dates are actually a modern invention. The closest thing to a group date over a hundred years ago was a ball, but even balls were more events where everyone was invited to mingle and get to know the other people in their sphere.
There is a line that ought to be drawn by everyone to make the distinction between “finding” people to date and “getting to know” other people. Once you have “found” someone you would like to date, you should take them out on a date and not waste your time trying to “find” out if they are right for you. In other words, don’t mingle when you could be dating. Make dating a priority to mingling. This may simply mean getting a phone number from a girl who you have mingled with already, or it might mean asking a guy out on a date who you already have his number.
Don’t make finding someone you want to spend eternity with into something that is more complex than it has to be and set yourself apart from other people by getting to know someone and determining if they are worthy to court rather than “searching for the one”.
The topic I wanted to write about today goes along well with the last article I wrote about advancing from one step in a relationship to another. This time I’m going to take a step back and explain some situations that lead up to having a relationship. I’ve heard a couple people talk about how they’re still in a certain “stage” of dating. It is implied, with some of these same people who are in that mindset, that these stages require them to perform a specific “type” of date and that they must be done in a set order.
I would describe this as “The Plan for Marriage”.
Their order typically goes something like this:
Mingling – Group dating – Non-committed Dating – Committed Dating – Courting – and then Marriage.
They point out the specifics behind each type of date, and mostly agree with their reasoning but with some differences. There ideas are:
Mingling is more of a pre-step to building a relationship. It’s going to an activity and saying “hi” to someone and meeting them for the first time. Group dating is designed to put them in a non-awkward position where they can get to know a person a little more and decide who they want to single out for the next type of date, Non-Committed dating, which can be double or single dating in their opinion. It is meant to get to know a person even better, but at the same time, such people will also be dating other people so there isn’t really any ties that bind the pair together. Then comes Committed dating where both people agree that they won’t date anyone else and they “test” out the other person to see if they are worthy of advancing to the next stage. Courting is the final stage to “dating” in such people’s mind and is meant to be some sort of pre-engagement as well as full engagement where they work out their final problems before: Nuh nununuhhh! Marriage. Everyone seems to stop there without explaining marriage, so I’m going to assume that I know what they are talking about.
While this “Plan” for dating sounds well and good, I think there are a bunch of missing pieces as well as parts that have been assumed, some of which are assumed incorrectly. Let me proceed to explain my own “Plan” as I feel it might shed some light on this subject.
For the sake of congruency I’m going to use the same names, however, my definition is slightly different:
Mingling – Dating – Courting – Marriage.
Mingling: This seems to be the same as what everyone agrees that it is. You go to parties, you attend events, you go to gatherings with the same interests as you, and you meet people. You find people who you “connect” with or people who you find attractive and you ask for their phone number or some other means of getting ahold of them in the future.
Dating: Here is where the instant difference comes in. This is more like the concept of “Non-committed” dating where you aren’t tied down to anyone but you’re going on dates to get to know the other person, however, I wouldn’t draw a line between the popular definition of committed and non-committed dating. Dating is dating. Your objective should be to decide if you want to settle down with an individual. You can accomplish this in many ways, and I will touch on this a little further on in this article, but essentially there shouldn’t be a need to make this complex.
Courting: This is where I think most people get thrown off. Of all the articles out that that encourage singles to relearn how to court, not many of them go in depth about what it actually is, and those that do still provide a lot of room for misinterpretation. Courting is very similar to the modern term of “boyfriend/girlfriend” or (and here’s the tricky term) “dating” as in, “I am dating Shelby Tang”. Courting could be described as a diplomatic relationship between two people, one male one female. It is typically initiated verbally and though it is slightly binding, it can be dissolved depending on circumstances. The agreed upon terms are that both parties will choose not to date other people. Think of it as an alliance.
This “alliance” brings trust into the relationship; whereas before trust wasn’t a necessary component and either side could pursue other people. This provides the opportunity to test one’s level of trust in a lower-risk situation. Humans have ingrained in them a need to require trust and most social organizations have methods in which trust is secured; whether it is through a written contract, a computer password, or a specific understanding of information, we desire trust and we expect it in every aspect of our lives. While we are courting, we have the opportunity to share personal information with the other person such as our dreams, goals, and life plans. Lasting relationships are based on the things discussed in courting.
Because both parties have agreed to enter into a strict relationship of trust, there is the benefit of increased comfort and security. Without such comfort and security, it would be difficult to cover the necessary volumes of information that is needed before making further commitments to one another.
Marriage: Marriage is that “further commitment”. Once you have courted sufficiently and are comfortable with one another, love one another, are attracted to one another, understand a great deal about one other, and feel completely safe and secure with one another, then the agreement to get married is initiated. This is called engagement. During engagement, courting continues until the wedding day. After they are married, the couple will continue to develop trust for one another, they will continue to grow with one another, they will continue to love one another and be attracted to one another. If courting were compared to an alliance between two countries, marriage would be a complete union of countries where there are no longer two countries but there is only one country. This doesn’t mean that the end is reached; it means that they have fully agreed to never date or look at another person of the opposite sex. This is the ultimate trust, and they do this because of the benefits that come with it. Both parties benefit from making this agreement.
Now to return to the previous point I made. During the dating period, your objective is to decide if you would like to enter into a (courting) relationship with the other person. Finding is not a part of this stage. All of your finding should take place during the “Mingling” stage, so don’t approach a date as though you are going to “find” someone, as you have already found someone. Think of it as digging through a raspberry patch. Once you find a raspberry, you need to decide if it is worth it to eat it right now or to leave it alone and let it develop more and possibly you will return to the raspberry if someone hasn’t already eaten it. Dating is like examining the berry.
That said, I would like to touch on three kinds of dates: Group dates, double dates, and single dates. Group dates are defined as dates in which many people, as a group, do something, anything, that allows them to get to know each of the members in the group better. Double dates are dates in which four people, two guys and two girls, do something, anything, that allows them to get to know each other better. Single dates are dates between two people, a guy and a girl, in which both people get to know each other. They are personal. However, it is important to understand that the more people in the group, the less you will get to know the other people. One reason for this is time. You can only pay attention to one person at a time and since there are more people trying to get your attention, you will not be able to notice everything about everyone. Try reading the first page of 10 books or reading 10 pages of one book, there is a major difference in the amount of information you get from each scenario.
Theoretically, one could say that over time they could get to know everyone in the group if they go on enough dates as a group with them all. Such people fail to recognize another big benefit provided in single dating, and that is privacy. Most people don’t or won’t open up unless there is some level of trust or safety and security provided to them. In a group, some people don’t like to compete for attention, with others all they do is compete for attention. Both types of people are not being themselves; the first will guard their personality and the second will hype up and lie about their personality just to get attention. In order to truly get to know a person, you have to be alone with them. Yes, there is a risk that going on a single date will be awkward, but there is also a risk that it will be amazing and that you will instantly connect with the other person. You will have to take risks in order to marry the perfect person for you.
Group dates are actually a modern invention. The closest thing to a group date over a hundred years ago was a ball, but even balls were more events where everyone was invited to mingle and get to know the other people in their sphere.
There is a line that ought to be drawn by everyone to make the distinction between “finding” people to date and “getting to know” other people. Once you have “found” someone you would like to date, you should take them out on a date and not waste your time trying to “find” out if they are right for you. In other words, don’t mingle when you could be dating. Make dating a priority to mingling. This may simply mean getting a phone number from a girl who you have mingled with already, or it might mean asking a guy out on a date who you already have his number.
Don’t make finding someone you want to spend eternity with into something that is more complex than it has to be and set yourself apart from other people by getting to know someone and determining if they are worthy to court rather than “searching for the one”.
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