Why you can't change anyone

I realize that a lot of my articles have been about changing yourself in order to fit the needs and wants of your future spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or friends. But today I need to correct what might be a misconception about this topic: The only person that YOU can change, is you.
We all have equal potential to change our lives for the better, some are further in their progression than others, but each of us has the ability to become as benevolent and rich physically, mentally and emotionally as we desire. Why do people fail to obtain the things that they talk so much about wanting? Because, even with the ability to do anything and become anything, there are many who do not tap into their full potential.

Change requires work; it is a very challenging, and progression isn’t easy. The reason why so many people fail to achieve success in this life is because they:

1. Do not work hard enough-- Real growth and progression comes not from the end result, but the process of making a transformation. Eggs do not instantly become chicks, children are not instantly made into adults, and dreams do not fall right into our laps. There are a lot of things that happen “behind the scenes” before the end is reached. Success requires a gradual process, and work is a necessary component in achieving the things we desire most. No one can put in the work for you; no one cares enough about your success to do it for you, you need to do all of the hard work by yourself.
   Once you decide that you want to have an amazing relationship for the rest of your life, you still need to put in the work and make an effort to obtain that relationship.
2. Do not make the right sacrifices-- Sacrifices are only sacrifices when something is put on the line or given up. Ideally, sacrifices are designed so that when you give up one thing, you receive a better thing in its place, but not all sacrifices work out that way. When you sacrifice the wrong thing, you don’t get any closer to the thing you ultimately want to have. True too, when you give up something that isn’t really of worth to you, then you really aren’t sacrificing and won’t make any progress either.
   Selfishness is a natural part of every one of us, and it is often this character trait that we must sacrifice in order to reach our goals and dreams--particularly when those dreams involve relationships with other people.
3. Aren’t working towards anything--To reach success, you need to have a well-defined idea of what success is. What is it that you are working towards? What do you want to accomplish? If you can’t answer that question, then you are left at a standstill--you are left like the sailor who has no heading and with no heading, it doesn’t matter which direction you go, you still won’t get any closer.
   With relationships, you need to understand what it is that you want out of a relationship. What needs do you have to fulfill? At what point in the relationship will you feel you have reached success?

Just like no one can do the work for you, you can’t do the work for someone else. Any sacrifices that others make are sacrifices for themselves and not for you. And even if other people share your goals and dreams, until YOU reach those goals and dreams, you haven’t obtained success--they may have, but you haven’t.

Now, let me throw in some additional insights that were hidden in what I just told you:

1. relationships are work. They are never-ending, because the moment that you stop working on improving your relationship is the moment it becomes stagnant and falls apart.
2. It requires work on both sides. If one of you doesn’t put forth an effort then it will fall apart, no matter how hard the other person works to save it.
3. You can’t expect people to make sacrifices for you. –This goes two ways: you can’t expect them to sacrifice in your behalf, because as I already explained, that doesn’t work. You also can’t expect them to make sacrifices to have you without you making equal sacrifices for them. Purely one-sided relationships don’t work…there is no such thing as 100/0 relationship.—that isn’t a relationship, it’s one person pushing things on the other person.
4. Your goals are YOUR goals. When you get into a relationship with someone, there might come a point where you have gone above and beyond their expectations—you fulfilled their goals and dreams. But at that moment, they may not have quite fulfilled your goals and dreams yet. You can look at this in two ways: A) It would be easier for you to find someone who has equal expectations and goals and dreams, because then you will both feel you have achieved success and fulfillment at the same time. Or B) you could look at that and say: just because he or she is satisfied doesn’t mean that I am, and -I- need to put in more work and sacrifice more in order to get there. If #2 is the case, then you need to be upfront with the other person the moment that you realize that they are “over-satisfied”. You need to talk to them about where you would still like the relationship to go and see what trade-offs can be made in order to reach that point. This sounds contrary to what I mentioned previously, but they may need to sacrifice a little more in order to continue having you—to balance your relationship out.
   
5. Relationships must clearly take time to build. Anything that requires work, sacrifice, and goals/dreams/or plans will take a lot of time in order to come true. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” it took a lot of work, sacrifice, and planning to become what it ultimately became, and when that pattern of work, planning and sacrifice became corrupted, it fell.

50/50 Relationships

I stumbled across this question last week, and since I posted a regular article last week (it was the 3rd post of the month) I have decided to post a question for this week’s article, which is something I typically reserve for 5th Sundays.

To paraphrase the question:
A man, in his mid twenties, explained that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend(26) for 6 months. This was a woman he had known for 2 years and been casual friends up until they began dating. During that six month period, he found himself always catching all of the checks at restaurants, making all of the phone calls to her and never receiving any in return, and he even pointed out how he made her birthday into something special yet when his birthday came along, she didn’t even bother to call him.

He broke up with her a short while later and told her about some of the things that were bothering him about their relationship. At first she argued with him that she didn’t forget his birthday and she made up an excuse about how she was waiting for him to call her because she expected that he was very busy on his birthday. Of course she cried over the break-up and she told him she was sorry and that she wanted him back.
After relating this story, he asked the question: Should I or should I not forgive her and take her back?

--
I rarely tell people what to do; that is not how you get them to do things that will really help them and change their life for the better. Though, I always offer my suggestion this time around my suggestion was to move on (I avoid telling people that unless I have a good reason because many relationships are fixable).

Perhaps you have heard of this term before: “The 50/50 relationship”. It refers to the amount of effort each partner puts into the relationship in order to keep it going. In some relationships one person contributes 70% and the other person 30%, in other relationships the balance is closer to the center. I do not think there is such a thing as a 50/50 relationship, but I think there are a few relationships that are close to it, maybe even 49/51, yet one side is always giving just a little more than the other.

I explained to this man that even though some relationships are 70/30, there is nothing wrong with this type of relationship—or in other words, this type of balance really can work out. However, in order for this to work out, both sides need to understand that a relationship is a trade-off. One side provides the other with certain benefits and the other makes up the difference.

This guy’s question had very little to do with forgiving her and taking her back. The real question he needed to ask was whether or not he was willing to put up with having a relationship where he gives much more than he receives. His relationship is probably closer to an 80/20 than a 50/50 and he needed to decide whether or not he was comfortable with that.




Now, to explain my reasoning for suggesting he move on:
His Ex is 26 years old. By that age she should be old enough to know that having a relationship expects her to make some sort of effort. She should know by then that she can’t just have a relationship because she wants the benefits of one and yet doesn’t want to work at it. I would maybe expect that type of behavior from an 18, 19, or 20 year old, but not someone 8 years older.
That said, looking from an outside point of view, he appeared to be unhappy with the relationship; although he kept giving and giving and mentioned that he was comfortable with it at first, usually people who point it out and who remember those sorts of things are deep down uncomfortable about it. There is no reason to do anything that you are unhappy and uncomfortable about, so I suggested that he move on and find someone else who can make him happy and give him the type of relationship he really wants.

The Big Picture

 EDIT: (1/20/2011)
I just added the option for you to receive updates on this blog via email. You no longer have to remember whether or not there is a new article this week or if it is next week, it comes to you in your email!

Also, don't forget that there is a facebook page set up to sending out reminders, so like Dating Zion on there as well.


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The Big Picture
The decision to get married may be the most important decision of your life. It is one in which you probably look forward to making, but also feel nervous and uneasy about. It might be one that you are anxious to make or it might be one that you keep postponing for other things.
However, before you proceed with this important decision you should understand the Big Picture: There is more to life than just marriage; and although marriage is essential and should not be put off or hastily initiated, you should focus on changing yourself to become the best person possible. If you are doing everything possible to become a better person and you are making reasonable steps towards the goal of marriage, there will be nothing stopping you from getting married at the right time and in the right place.

You have been given, agency, or the God-given ability to choose your own life. If you work at it, you can accomplish anything; but remember the old adage “work smarter, not harder”. -–That’s right, sometimes working hard isn’t enough; you also need to know how specific things work in order to work better. For example, before the Wright brothers built their first airplane, they had to learn a few principles about physics (lift, thrust, drag, equilibrium, etc.) Yes, they worked hard, but they also learned well.
With that in mind, it is easy to see the power that God has given you to act in this life: You literally have the world at your fingertips and if you work and learn, you can make all your dreams come true.

In the rest of this article, you will learn how every principle previously presented on this blog works, and how they are all related. And, after reading this article, hopefully, you will begin to see much more of The Big Picture.

(Click the numbers for a specific Dating Zion article written on a similar topic.)

1. Resolve to Work	-- Before you even start on your journey, you should answer this questions, and be completely honest with yourself while: Are you really willing to do the work necessary to succeed? Do you have the self-control to give up anything that might stand in your way? To do this, you will need to weigh your options and determine what things you value more. Pertaining to marriage, is getting married more important to you than worldly success? Is it more important to you than popularity? What about being a good person, is that more important than having friends? Is devoting your time and energy to the cause worth accomplishing the task? No matter what your answers are to these questions, you now know how much you are willing to give in order to get what you want. If you were completely honest with yourself, it will be easier next time you need to put forth the time and effort for your goals. Choose today to go to work; don’t put it off till tomorrow because you never know whether something else will come up tomorrow. Resolve to work.
2. Set Goals and have Dreams	-- At the same time as you are resolving to work, you need to decide what you really want. The more specific you are about it the better. Your wants and desires that are general, are only dreams; your wants and desires that are specific are goals. All goals need to have a time limit. Some goals are quantifiable, meaning a number can be attached to them. Above all, goals and dreams need to be personal. Some people say: “You need to make it your own”. In other words, you need to do things for yourself, not because other people want you to. If other people want you to move out of the house and get married, you need to decide for yourself whether you want to move out and you want to get married. No one else can make goals for you, but they can help you once you have set them. If you want to get married, that’s just a dream; but if you want to get married in the next 3 years, that’s more of a goal. How can you measure that goal? –One option is to count the number of sub-goals that will help you reach your long-term (3 year) goal; but not every goal needs to be quantified. Some goals can be conditional, meaning yes or no. With conditional goals, you need to clarify the conditions. For example, having the goal to “be comfortable around the opposite sex” isn’t necessarily quantifiable.-—sure, you could set a goal to talk to 75% of the people you come within arms distance of for more than 3 seconds, and then every day tally up how many of those you actually did, but it would be better if this goal was conditional: when you reflect on the day, did you get nervous about talking to someone and if so, why? How can you improve? A major part of the big picture is setting and reaching goals and dreams.—that’s part of your eternal progression, which is part of the big picture.
3. Plan and Prepare	-- Now that you have goals, both short term and long term, how are you going to accomplish those goals? What steps do you need to take to reach your goal? If your goal is to save up X amount of money so that you can get on your feet once you are married, what does that require of you? How much of your paycheck will you need to devote to this, and what will you do without that money? Some plans are just about self-control and additional mini-goals, but other plans are more complex. Take for instance a time where you needed to learn something before you could accomplish your goal. Your options might be to go to classes to be taught those skills, or to hire a tutor, or to simply read a book on the subject. Which will you choose? Which will give you the best learning experience? Which will cost the most? These are the kinds of questions involved in planning and preparing to accomplish your goal. Think about everything involved and how you will accomplish it. Write all of this down. Write your goals down, write your dreams down, and write your plans down. And every time you feel impressed to add to or change your plans, write them down immediately before you forget them.

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Tricks for Having a Good Self Esteem

One of the most important possessions you can own is a healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem, known by several names, is defined as how you perceive yourself. If you have a high self-esteem that would mean that you value yourself very well. Some people use the term self-worth. If you have a low self-worth, you feel like you aren’t worth very much in the world.
A healthy self-esteem is one in which you are comfortable with whatever life throws at you. You are generally positive, and you respect other people. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are not ashamed of yourself or the things you have no control over, but you enjoy yourself the way you are. People with healthy self-esteems are more confident, less prone to sudden emotional shifts, and have a greater sense of fulfillment with their lives.
You might notice how often the word “self” comes up when describing self-esteem. This is because it relates to who you are as an individual. It also affects every aspect of your life. Let me repeat that: The way your perceive yourself affects every aspect of your life. This is very important because the area in which it has most effect is that of the social relationships that you establish.

If you have a poor self-esteem you will do one of two things: be embarrassed, shy, or awkward when around other people, or you will mistreat other people. I will explain both of these tendencies, but before I do I need to establish an eternal principle:
God created all of us equally; we all have the same potential, we can all obtain the same things in life if we choose. God also created each of us uniquely; no one is exactly the same as someone else. This is where difference comes from. Some people might have challenges with a task that another individual might find relatively easy. That is perfectly okay. You will eventually find in life that although there are certain individuals who are amazing bicyclists, each one of them fell many times before they were able to ride on their own. –Each one of them was once at a level where you are now, but because of hard work and determination it comes easy for them now.

People with low self-esteem might feel awkward or shy or embarrassed when they are around other people who they think are superior to them. Although it is a natural response, it can be overcome. Feelings of inadequacy always come from Satan. He will always try to make you feel miserable. When you have a low self-esteem it can easily prevent you from making friends and finding happiness with those friends.
There is an interesting effect in life which has been portrayed by Hyrum Smith, the motivational speaker, which he describes as “The Crab Theory”. The theory goes like this: if you put two equal, lowly crabs in a box, one will try to climb out, will make it nearly to the top, and then the other crab will climb up to pull it back down into the box. Neither crab will escape from the box. The same is true with people who have a low self-worth. This too is caused by Satan; he wants you to be miserable like he is.
Some people who have a low self-esteem will try to drag you down in order to make you equal or inferior to them. I’m sure everyone has experienced this before. The truth is that when you engage in put-downs or jealousy or revenge, or whatever name you would like to call it, you will never be superior. This is caused by what I call the downer cycle: When you bring somebody down, Satan will make you feel even worse about yourself. While the person you just brought down might be at the level you are, you will eventually feel worse about yourself than you did before and be lower than they are. This is a dangerous cycle because you will try it again and again to attempt to bring yourself out of the hole you are digging.

On the flip side, people who have high self-esteems are comfortable in the presence of those who are better than they are. No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone better than you are. You might be the gold medalist, but you likely have weaknesses that others don’t have. Again, that is okay.

So where does self-worth come from? One might say that it is through personal accomplishment, and although that might be part of it, it is definitely not the big picture. –There are many people who have done nothing outstanding and yet they are comfortable around people better than they are. If your life is based on the accomplishments you have made with your own hands, you have gravely missed the picture.
Self-esteem comes from living the gospel and having the firm knowledge that you are a child of God who loves and cares about you. Living the gospel will prevent Satan from succeeding at pulling you down in the mire. Knowing that you are a child of God, and that he loves you and wants you to succeed at everything you strive for will give you a great self-worth. You must base your self-worth on eternal principles.

Remember the downer cycle? It is often the case that people who get stuck in the downer cycle feel hopeless and as though all is lost. It causes you to sin more often (also a part of the cycle) and occasionally it will lead you into causing others to sin around you.
However, there is Hope.







A great part of why people have a low self-esteem is because of the little sins in their life that stack up and weigh them down, so the first step to building up your self-esteem is to repent of your sins and transgressions. Sometimes this can be a very hard thing, other times it is a very simple thing.

The second step to building up your self-worth is to cut out any negative thoughts or words from your daily conversation. Replace them with positive things. This applies not only to when you talk about yourself, but also when you talk about other people. You tend to believe the things that are said about you, and you tend to trust yourself more than other people, so if you are constantly telling yourself that you aren’t handsome enough or you’re fat, or that you’re ugly, you will start to believe them and it will hurt your self-esteem. If instead, you tell yourself positive things and you motivate yourself, you will start to believe that you are in fact an attractive young man or woman. So what’s the difference between talking well of yourself and talking well of other people? –Back to the downer cycle.
If you lift other people up, they will eventually lift you up. This is the positive cycle. Whereas before you might have brought someone down, if you lift them up, it will make you feel better about yourself. Many statistics show that people who are charitable and helpful to other people typically have greater health than those who do not. There is a power in being optimistic and positive. Even when you lift someone up and don’t receive the favor in return, God, who sees all and has all power, will reward you for your good deeds.

The third step to having a powerful self-esteem is to strive daily to be a better person. This seems like an unrelated step, but in actuality, when you have a purpose driven life, even if it is merely for self-improvement, you will feel more confident and comfortable with the way you are.



This topic has always been a big deal to me. I have seen the lives of many people ruined because of poor self-esteem. I have also seen many people who I love and respect and look up to dearly, rise above a poor self-esteem and change their life around. It is an amazing thing to me.
In the scriptures we are promised of a day when Satan will have no power on earth. –That day will come, but before we are ready for that day, we will all need to have a healthy self-esteem. We will all need to do our part to prevent Satan from dragging us or others down.

Do not get discouraged when others mock you or when they, like the crabs, try to pull you back into the box, they, more than you, need your love at this time. Out of the two of you, they have the worse self-esteem. –I don’t believe in chance, chance is when God presents things to you in order to bless you or give you a trial to prove yourself.—next time someone makes fun of you, or tries to bring you down or tell you that your ideas and opinions are stupid, try to bring them up, help them see that there is a better way in life and that people really do care about them.