Know Yourself

What more can I say about this topic: You need to BE the right person, FOR the right person?

I wrote this article (the one you are reading) several times and haven’t been satisfied with the way it turned out, and I have deleted it and started over again. It is a relatively short article because I feel like I have said the same information many times, in many different ways. Yet, based on comments and questions that I receive from a few of you, you don’t quite have it figured out what I am saying. So this time, I am going to write it a little differently from anything else you have read of mine. I want you to say yes or no to each of these questions. If you say yes, read the next one. If you say no, feel free to comment below and ask me to clarify the question:

Successful relationships are ones that last?
No relationship is without ups and downs, good times, bad times, arguments and tender moments?
If I want my relationship to last, I need to learn how to make it through the hard times and enjoy the good times?
In order to survive the hard times, I may need to give up personal opinions, personal possessions, or personal comfort so that my partner’s feelings aren’t hurt beyond repair, he or she is given more than the bare minimum to survive, and he or she doesn’t leave me?
There are things I may need to do in order to enjoy, appreciate, and reach the good times?
If I put effort into forming a relationship, I want it to last?
My time in life is limited—I will die some day?
I will eventually have to leave my loved ones, or they will leave me at their death, whether temporarily or permanently?
I want to make the most out of my relationships in this life: Either because I know they will continue after I die, or because I know that my time is limited and I want them to be the best that they can be?
I know that I am not perfect, and that I have flaws?
I am trying to figure out the flaws that I don’t recognize?
I am working on correcting the flaws that I know about?
I understand that other people have flaws as well?
Those flaws are probably different from my flaws?
I would be willing to put up with another person’s flaws if they would put up with my own?
I would even help them overcome their problems if they would simply be patient with my own?
I have a general understanding of what I want to do with my life, these are my dreams?
I am trying to realize (or figure out) what I will need to do in order to make these dreams come true in my life?
Certain of my dreams are more important than other dreams--I could prioritize them and rank their importance?
Having a successful relationship is one of my top three dreams?
I am willing to give up less important dreams in order to accomplish more important dreams, or dreams that have greater priority?
I am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my top three dreams in this life?
I am really willing to make sacrifices if I could only accomplish my top three dreams?
I realize now, that if I want to accomplish my top three dreams, my future spouse will also have to play a role in those dreams; he or she will be involved?
I will only be able to marry someone who is comfortable with my dreams, encouraging of my dreams, and equally willing to sacrifice for my dreams?
I realize that I will also have to be comfortable with his or her dreams, encourage him or her to accomplish their dreams, and I am also willing to make sacrifices to do so?
I am willing to prioritize his or her goals above my own as long as he or she helps me to accomplish my goals as well?
If we accomplish both of our dreams, I am willing to set more dreams with him or her?
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OK, that’s enough questions. If you made it this far, you probably have a good sense of what I am referring to by “Knowing yourself”. It is one part of “BEING the right person”. You want your relationships to last, but to do so, YOU need to do things. YOU need to know who you are, what you are willing to give, and you need to look beyond yourself, because that’s really what a relationship is: when two or more people agree to share the burdens life places on them and share the glory and blessings that life grants them.
No two people are equal or the same either, which means that some people will have faults and shortcomings that can only be fulfilled by another person’s strengths. That means though, that some people have to work harder than others in order for things to balance out.
The whole reason why we seek out relationships with people (friends, communities, husbands and wives etc.) is because we simply can’t do it all by ourselves. You weren't designed to do everything on your own. Not only is this a learning experience that will help you to grow (and therefore has it's benefits); but, if we were all fully capable of doing everything, we wouldn’t need anyone and we would interfere and cause problems with everyone else (or in other words, the lack thereof could be negative). -–you are not living on an island, you don’t have your own planet secluded from everyone else, and your resources are always limited, but you will always have an abundance of people around you. Learning how we fit into this big puzzle called "life" is one reason why we are here on this earth: essentially, we need to learn how to get along with those around us, and especially those who are closest to us.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are, how you fit into life, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your chief goals are, or what you want to accomplish in this life, and knowing just how much you are willing to sacrifice for your goals. I specifically mentioned that having a successful relationship should be one of your top three goals. I am referring to a marriage relationship and that it should be one of your most, if not your most important goal out of this life.
I don’t think most people realize though, that relationships require “give and take”. You may not realize that you take things when you have a relationship, but everyone does. Or you may realize it, but at the same time not be willing to give things to have a relationship. If that is your case, then you will have a hard time in a relationship that is so one sided. Knowing yourself means where you draw the line on what you give and what you take, or put another way: knowing yourself means knowing what you will HAVE TO sacrifice in order to have a good relationship.

Foundations: Episode 14

Recap: Life is more than merely dating. It is okay, even preferred, that you have a life outside of your dating life. In other words, you don't need to spend every minute of every day focusing on getting a girlfriend or boyfriend, or keeping the one you have already got. Find meaningful things to do with your time and it will be easier for you to find someone who agrees with your lifestyle.

The Secret to Recognizing when Others are Attracted to You

I want to point something out that I have observed lately to be an issue with a significant amount of people. Before I dive into what it is, I want to remind my readers that every piece of advice on my site has a dual purpose to it. –It isn’t solely about dating and getting married. True, everything is about forming relationships, but I often point out specific things for you to do that are beneficial to you not only in your dating life, but in your career and family life. The things that I write about are as much applicable to being successful in all areas of your life as they are specifically to your dating life. Not to mention that relationships constitute our human existence: we form relationships with everyone, not just the people we are in love with.

So even when I center these articles around developing and cultivating the relationships in your life, really this advice applies to every aspect of your life.

The secret of which I am referring to can be illustrated best by looking at the world of combat sports. In wrestling, fencing, boxing, mixed martial arts, and even self-defense, there is a key component that separates the highly skilled combatants from those who are only moderately skilled. That component is eye contact. As it is explained by most professional combatants, the reason for maintaining eye contact is to recognize the intentions of your opponent.

While you are searching for interesting people to form relationships with, you can save yourself from a lot of deadbeat relationships by recognizing those who maintain eye contact. Those people who do not look at the ground when they walk, who speak directly to people, and who actively speak tend to be “more experienced” with life. Why is that important? Well, because the more experienced a person is with life, the more potential they have for having a good relationship.

Maintaining eye contact is a sign of self-respect and self-confidence. It is one of the most important aspects of body language. People who are constantly looking down tend to be the easiest people to read and often miss some of the finer details of life. You don’t want to be one of these people, especially if you are looking for someone to form a lasting relationship with—you’ll notice more admirable traits in people if you take the time to look at them.

Life experience is a helpful component in building relationships. It includes being independent enough to live on your own, confident enough and talented enough to make your own decisions, and having experiences (both good and bad) to rely on during hard times. I have found that people who lack life experience tend to blame the world around them for their problems. This should not be the case, life experience helps you to realize that you can do (or prevent) anything from happening if you put enough effort into it. The only person who fully has control over your life is yourself. In that sense, all of your successes, and all of your problems fall back on you.

Life experience is a combination of street smarts and book smarts. By developing these types of knowledge, you are half way to gaining experience. The other half needs to come from your own effort and determination. If presently you are one of those people who walks with his or her head down, or you can’t look people in the face when you speak to them, force yourself to do so. In time, it will become a habit for you, which will help your self-esteem and make it easier for you to portray the confidence you need.

Just as in combat sports the opponents each look at one another to recognize the intentions of the other person, if you have a habit of looking at and watching people, you will be surprised at the clues that become apparent to you when others are attracted to you. In film acting, the camera focuses attention around the eyes of the actor and close-ups are particularly used in order to bring attention to the eyes. This is because most of our human emotions can be recognized in and around the eyes. Attraction causes several basic emotions and can happen in an instant. When you become talented at looking people in the eyes, you can begin to recognize the signs that others convey, purposely or accidently, through their emotions.

What your Parents and Friends Say

Simple Truth:
Everyone wants their parents to accept the person that they ultimately marry. Parents too, want you, more than anything, to marry someone that they approve of. That is why, while growing up, your parents as well as others who desired your well-being, would tell you things about what they expect from the person you marry. “Marry someone with money,” “You better make sure she isn’t two-faced,” “He should hold open the door for you,” etc.

The problem with the comments and requests that others give you, is that they are not your requirements. Although your parents and friends and neighbors may have good intentions, it is good actions that matter in the scheme of life, not the good intentions behind them. The only person who can accurately make decisions for you, is you. Although your friends and family may think they know what is best for you, only you can make that decision.

Finding a spouse is not something other people can help you with. In order to mature and grow, and thereby develop yourself into marriage material, you will need to develop habits of self-confidence and trust. You will need to learn how to make decisions on your own without the aid of other people. When you get married, you cannot run home to mommy and daddy every time you run into relationship problems. Your neighbors, friends, and religious adviser are your last resort for relationship problems.--The only person who you can accurately rely on is yourself, and therefore, developing your own decision making skills is an absolute must. When you are actually married, if you run into problems with your spouse, how do you think your spouse would respond to you turning to your old friends to complain about her or him? Do you think that your best friend has the ability to persuade your husband or wife to join your side of a argument any better than you do?

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t trust the things that your parents or friends say about someone who you are getting serious with. There are times when your brain quits working because you are overwhelmed with chemicals, and these things can cause you to not think clearly and even get into hazardous situations. Having a second pair of eyes is a good thing in that case because it can help you to come to your senses. However, you always need to take everything that other people say with a grain of salt. They do not know you as well as you do, and although they may want certain things for you, you need to realize whether the things they want for you are going to fulfill your needs.

Families are especially active in telling you what you should and should not expect out of a spouse.—they have lived with you the longest and probably think they know you the best.--But families also have their own agendas. What I mean is that families start with specific goals in mind: Two couples come together with goals and plans that they want to fulfill in life and work towards. You were a part of their plan; after you were born they made plans to sustain you and to help you grow. But when once you reach marriageable age, in a sense, they fulfilled their responsibility to you. Many parents are nice and love you so much that they continue to sustain and help you, but looking at the natural processes of things, you are very much on your own the moment you are old enough to get married.






The reason for this is simple: Just like your parents took risks and ventured off on their own and ultimately got married, so too must you do the same in order to perpetuate the cycle. You need to get married so that you may have children, continue learning and growing, and ultimately accomplish your purpose in life. You can do none of these things without being married. And you aren’t merely expected to do these things. You are REQUIRED to do these things. You have an obligation to your Heavenly Father and to your earthly parents to get married. Why do I say that? Because what would the purpose of your parent’s lives be in having children, if those children did not grow up and become like them? Having children isn’t merely a fun thing to do, it isn’t merely so that they can have companionship. It is to perpetuate a long-lasting cycle that has continued for thousands of years and thousands of generations. You are obligated to get married and form your own “family” simply because you were born.

But to protect the family from rebellious, outside influences, families have a way of making their own patterns, behaviors and beliefs that control the processes in the marriage cycle. Sometimes these patterns are for good, such as making sure that you do not marry someone who will abuse you and limit your potential. At other times, these things can have negative effects, such as preventing you from getting married entirely. No one is perfect, and these cultural behaviors are designed by imperfect people, so you need to take these with a grain of salt as well.

The whole objective of this article is to help you realize that you need to think for yourself. No one can choose a husband or wife for you; it is something you need to do on your own. And trust me, if you do this, you will be much more satisfied with the relationship that you develop from the situation. Don’t let your friends or family dissuaded you from your decisions. Whether those decisions are to leave or to stay, you need to take accountability for them, because if you constantly rely on other people to make your decisions or to prevent you from doing things that you might regret, then how will you ever learn to make decisions on your own?

As I have said numerous times: Relationships require risks. If you don’t put anything on the line (whether it’s personal dignity or possibility of regret) then you will never learn, never improve your relationship abilities, and never have that dream relationship that you have always wanted.

That’s what Dating Zion is all about: helping you to realize what you will have to do in order to have your dream relationship. If you have any questions about what I have said in this article, or if your mind is so blown right now from what I said and you realize that you need to make some changes in your life, please let me know either by commenting below or emailing me right now ( consultdz@live.com ). I am always trying to improve this website and enlarge the understanding of its audience, so I would LOVE to get some input from you! …Thanks!

Hope for those waiting for someone

If you ever find yourself in the situation where you feel as though you have pursued all of the avenues in your life and they just aren’t cutting it for you, then the following advice can help you. People are always changing. So are you. The level of maturity that these people are on when you first meet them might be too low or too high for you. That’s okay, over time, people grow up--yourself included. The things that you think you are looking for in a spouse right now might change later down the road as you learn a few more things about yourself and other people.
Perhaps you have been on the other end of this situation though? You see yourself being passed up by potential dates because of what in your mind must be that “you aren’t good enough”. Don’t worry! If you’re reading my blog then you’re probably doing just fine. If you are really attached to a specific person, but they aren’t attached to you right now, that doesn’t mean that as time passes and both of you change, that he or she won’t be attracted to you in the future.

But, I want to point something out, so that you don’t get confused by what I say: It isn’t good to wait around for someone to suddenly feel an attraction to you. As you wait, you pass up other people (who are just like you, waiting for YOU to feel attracted to THEM) and it would be a shame if they suddenly gave up hope because you never took an interest in them because you too were waiting on someone else.

Instead of waiting around for something to happen with that one special person, you should carry on with your life. Find OTHER people who you can date or make friends with, at the same time you can be friends with the person you really want to be with and continue building up a trusting relationship with them. Time has a way of working things out on its own after all.






Another important point that I want you to remember is that you are having a relationship whether you are dating or just friends—in other words, friendship is a special kind of relationship in itself. Relationships change just as people do; if you haven’t already, you will eventually realize that the boundaries of what defines a courting relationship and a friendship or even a casual date all blend together. They are the same, just at different levels of commitment.

Finally, don’t burn bridges. If for whatever reason your relationship heads south, or when you realize that the other person isn’t interested in you romantically, fight against your first reaction to get upset. When you get upset and you become antagonistic with them, you risk ruining ANY chance with that person. Like I mentioned in the beginning: people change. That means that there is always a slight hope that things can work out in the way that you want as long as you don't burn bridges with them. But you also have to realize that people have their own agency. They can choose to fall in love with you, or they can choose not to. If they never choose to love you, then as long as you didn’t burn bridges with them, you can always say that you put your best foot forward.

As you gain experience in the dating world, things tend to get better and better, but it also has a funny effect on a person to where they realize that a relationship can work with anyone. Any two people, well experienced with dating skills, can fall in love and maintain a superb relationship. In fact, most of those I have come across who have developed good relationship skills are less attracted to those who haven’t developed and refined their own relationship skills. In other words, people who want a good relationship, and know how to get it, realize that they don’t want to spend their time in poor relationships that they don’t have to. YOU can reach that same level. All it takes is to develop your relationship skills (--and you sure came to the right website to do that!)

Even if the person you are waiting around for doesn't turn out, you can gain the skills necessary to find (and woo) someone who really will give you the relationship that you ultimately want. Practice makes perfect; just be patient, things will work out.

How comparing yourself to others affects your relationships

This week’s article is on a subject I feel everyone can relate to: Comparing ourselves to other people and how it relates to our relationships with others. I’m sure you have experienced it before, when your friend gets blessed with something in life and you feel like they don’t deserve it. Or you wish that you were as successful as someone else.--You wish you had a boyfriend/girlfriend like all of the other people your age.--You want to feel loved by another person and have those passionate feelings for someone else. But comparing yourself to other people is bad because it limits you from reaching YOUR potential.

Here, let me explain:
Everyone is different, everyone is unique. No two people experience the exact same life or go through the same ups and downs. Our lives are carefully guided by the creator who desires for us to reach our potential and continue learning and growing. You will experience specific situations that only YOU could grow from, and they will happen at a time when you need to learn those lessons the most. You may be given trials or hurdles that you need to overcome, or you may be given barriers that prevent you from advancing at the present time. But these things are for your benefit. And they may be things that others never have to experience, but guess what? –That’s the beauty of this life: Your life is YOUR life.

The relationships in your life can be severely affected by your perceived need to be equal to others around you. After all, you fill your sphere with people who are supposedly at the same level as you are, right? Not necessarily. You fill your life with people who may share commonalities in personality, and have similar interests, but that doesn’t mean that they are on the same level as you are. We’re talking about maturity. Even as an adult, you will find that not all adults are on the same level of maturity as you are. Again, this goes back to life experiences.

We are shaped in life by the situations we are put into. Imagine your most challenging experiences in life and picture what your life would be like if you didn’t have to go through them, would you be the same as you are today?

So how does all of this relate to comparing ourselves to others?

When you compare yourself to other people and feel as though you need to be doing the same things as they are, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, traveling the world, moving away from home, buying a house, going to school, etc. You set yourself up to miss the important aspects of having these things in order to 'measure up' to your peers. There is an old saying that illuminates this principle: “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” –Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is good, but merely having one to say you have one misses the point. Traveling the world can be fun and grand, but if all you do is go to the location, take a few pictures to brag about it later, and then return home unchanged, you have missed the mark on why traveling is so exciting. Moving away from home can grant you a lot of freedom, but it also comes with responsibilities and if you are not prepared for them you can get into a lot of trouble. –I think I have made myself clear: Just because others are doing it does not mean it is right for you.





The opposite can be true as well: just because others are NOT doing it, does not mean that it is right for you. When others are postponing marriage or choosing to not attend additional schooling, etc. you still need to decide for yourself what is right for you.

But how does all of this relate to having good relationships???

Good relationships are not an end result. In other words, you can’t merely arrive at a good relationship one day. Having a good relationship is a constant process, it is the “journey”. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you both need to be heading in the right direction—you need to be working towards the same things. If you are heading in one direction, and the other person is heading in the other, then you really aren’t going anywhere together—you’re just brushing paths occasionally!
Being specific: When you are out to have a relationship with someone just so that you can say that you are dating someone, and they agree to date you thinking in their mind that the two of you could have something special going on, then you both aren’t heading in the same direction. He or she is heading towards the settling down stage and you are heading towards impressing/pleasing those around you who wonder why you are not dating anyone.

Remember that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Just because your friends are getting married, or because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends, that does not mean that you are ready to do so. Maturity is crucial here.

Yes, you should be working towards getting married because it is as much a part of life as moving away from home is; but you should not get into a relationship just because other people are getting into them or merely because you want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, you should get into a relationship because you have found someone who you can spend eternity with.

Marriage isn’t a destination, just like a relationship isn’t a destination; it is a part of your journey through life. You will need the assistance of another individual in order to continue progressing, growing, and reaching new levels in life.—No one is meant to go alone through life, you will need someone to help you meet specific challenges head-on and overcome trials. This isn’t something you can simply “obtain” or “reach”, it is a continual process. In order to have a good relationship, you will need to continually nourish that relationship. Just like a plant cannot continue to grow and will likely die without your support in feeding it water and sunlight, in order to have a good relationship you need to continually nourish the relationship because without nourishment, it will fade away and die.

So next time you see your friends and peers doing things that you wish you could be doing and you start to compare yourself to them wishing desperately that you could have the things that they have, or do the things they do, just remember: they are at a different level than you are (they may even be at a lower level and you have grown passed such things), and they are on a different path than you are—you’re heading where you need to go, and they are heading where they need to go.
If you make the effort to look for it, you will find that there are plenty of the opposite sex heading in exactly the same direction as you are (progression wise), you just might need to take a side-quest or an alternate route in your journey in order to compensate for them so that you can continue your journey together.

You don't have to play "The Game"

I have received a few questions about this recently, so I feel like for this fifth Sunday post, I will address this topic. Typically people will ask me something about how they are performing when playing “the game” and why they aren’t “winning” the game, why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are so skilled at having fun times with other people. Let me first make a statement that I think you will grow to appreciate: “Playing games is for kids” and when you’re an adult, you don’t play the same games as you did when you were younger.

What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.

If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.

“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.

With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.

So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.

1. Real Relationships are Honest –You can’t lie about yourself, your talents, or your situation or when he or she starts to question you, these things will be brought up, and he or she won’t trust you, will re-decide and will probably determine that they don’t like you, and he or she may not want to marry you. If you’re poor, don’t say you’re rich. If you’re not good at something, don’t say that you are. If you don’t like pets, and he or she does, don’t tell him or her that you like them, and don’t do the same with kids. How could you ever expect to plan your lives together if he or she doesn’t know what your life is really like?
   Also, when you can be honest, you can tell the other person that you like them and have no worries about them trusting you. A pattern of honesty is worth more than an action of statement—you can show someone you love them better by being honest with them and telling them that you love them, rather than buying them flowers or gifts and being dishonest on occasion.
2. Real Relationships Balance Flirting. –When you flirt too much and don’t have ‘serious time’, your relationship can’t progress. You need to have serious moments now and again where you have the time to talk about making life plans together. Relationships are not fun and “games”. They have exciting times, sure, but they are primarily serious. Don’t think of relationships as hobbies or things you do for entertainment, going out to meet people, although fun, still needs to lead to a serious relationship. This is precisely why I have always discouraged short-term relationships: they do not teach you how to have lasting, serious relationships.
3. Real Relationships are Prepared to Advance -- When you get married, what are your plans? When you begin to court someone, where would you like it to lead? When you date someone, do you plan on eventually having a long-term relationship with them, or a short-term relationship? When you go out looking for guys or girls to hit on, are you doing it for fun, or are you doing it because you want a relationship? Before you take any interest in dating someone, you should be comfortable with what comes next: a relationship. And when you enter into a relationship, you should be comfortable with what comes next: an exclusive relationship/courting. These things lead up to each other, and if you have no intentions of advancing into the next area or you are incapable of doing so (maybe you aren’t ready for commitment, or you have other things you need to work out), then you will not be able to progress, and you shouldn’t attempt to until you are ready. That is called "leading people on".
   If you are in a relationship, it will reach a standstill, if you are dating people, none of them will develop into courtships, or if you hit on someone it won’t ever reach the next stage: a date. Start by preparing yourself and everything else will fall into place.
4. Real relationships are not political-—I could not think of a better way to put this. There aren’t any politics behind real relationships. You don’t need to make the other person feel like you are their best chance in life because you are in high demand and all the boys or girls want you (reread #2). You don’t need to prove anything to him or her that you are the perfect match (reread #1). You don’t need to use spite against them when they decide not to advance with you; if your relationship ends, or you stop dating, or you don’t even get a first date, who cares? Trying to get back at them will not help you, in fact it will only hurt them and…“what goes around comes around”—You will get hurt more than anything you could do to them. You do not need to one-up them, or score on them to get more points than they do. Dating is not a game!
   
   It is when two mature individuals decide to work out their differences that they decide to get married. If marriage is your goal, then you should stop acting like dating is just a fun thing you do for entertainment and hoping that one day you will marry a husband or wife who will keep you entertained every day for the rest of your life. Instead, you should start acting like dating is part of a larger goal that you are working towards, and that you want it to be the best it can be.

Dealing with and Dating Obnoxious Men and Women

This article has moved to my new site: http://rdccoach.blogspot.com/

Check out the new articles :

and

Attitude Affects Your Dating Life

As I am sure you have heard numerous times: “attitude determines everything”. Let’s face it: dating is hard; it is one of the hardest things you will ever go through simply because dating leads up to the hardest choice you will ever make (marriage).
I have stressed time and time on this blog that dating takes time. You can’t expect things to just fall into your lap, to meet that perfect guy or girl and to have courting them be easy it will take time and devotion. You have to work at it every day in order to be successful at dating (i.e. to meet your long term dating goals, usually marriage).
You also can’t be afraid of dating because of a fear of failure. Everyone will fail at least a couple times before they get good at a particular skill. Every athlete in the history of sports has had major defeats and setbacks that jarred them and made them question that what they were doing was the right thing to do. I am sure that you have felt lonely before; that you have questioned whether that young lady or young man liked you back; and you have probably felt frustrated about the whole "dating thing" and wished there were a better way.
All of these negative thoughts can bring you down.

“Attitude determines everything”, if you reflect on the negative aspects of your life, such as how you wish so desperately that you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, your life will be shaped by that desperation. You will come off to people you just met as though you are desperate and that you are starving for their attention. If, on the other hand, you reflect on how any day this week you might meet your future spouse, then your life will be shaped positively. You will be looking for that opportune moment to meet someone new, and you might even go out of your way just on the hope that that special someone is just around the corner.
Finding your future husband or wife is hard work. It takes years of sifting through dates to realize things about yourself and about who you want to marry, and then to prepare yourself to find and woo that person. Should you reflect on how hard it is though? I do not think we are meant to reflect on the difficulty of this task. In the beginning, when you fall in love, chemicals are activated in your body that heighten the experience and add a “magical” touch to your relationship. By this point in your relationship there are still plenty of hurdles to overcome before you actually marry that individual. I do not think that we are meant to reflect too heavily on how hard things are; we are meant to focus on making things a little better each day.

There is a common saying of which you have probably heard: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. As you know, Rome was one of the greatest civilizations in ancient times. It took several hundred years for Rome to reach its height of greatness. Thousands of people devoted their lives to bringing it to that point.--If you want something “great” out of a relationship, then you will have to devote your whole life to it; of course relationships don’t end at marriage, they continue forever. Will it be hard? Of course.
However, rather than focus on how hard dating or having relationships is, you should focus on how much it is worth it to you.
Is it worth it to put up with hard times? Is it worth it to have to date ten jerks before finding one really amazing person? Is it worth it to fix your bad habits in order to please the guy or girl of your dreams? Is it worth it to feel lonely now, in order to motivate your to find that special someone?




Dating and having relationships is hard, but it is completely worth it in the end!
Try to remain optimistic. Whether you are happy or sad about your current situation, you are still going to be in your current situation, so why not be optimistic?
That brings up my final point: you will remain in your current situation until you change your situation. YOU have to change it. No one else can change for you. No one who doesn’t like you now will suddenly like you in the future unless you change; they aren’t going to change for you.
But you need to change for yourself and not for the guy or girl. When you change for yourself, you make lasting changes. When you change for other people, you revert to your old behavior when you stop trying to impress those other people. As your relationship progresses and you both mature, you will eventually realize that you never had to impress that young man or woman and you will stop trying to impress them and start acting normal. At that point, if you didn't change for the benefit of yourself, you will slip back into the kind of person you were before you attempted to impress him or her.
Even if someone changes in your behalf, unless they relate it back to themselves, their changes aren’t going to be lasting either. You should not expect or rely on other people to change in order to love you the way you are. You should not make demads of people that they change so that the two of you can get along better. Instead, do yourself a favor and make yourself in to the kind of person that will please the kind of person you want to marry.

Change is always hard, but it is always worth it. Keep that in mind as you decide from now on that you are going to change and adapt to get along with others rather than expect them to fix their problems to get along with you.

5 Ways to Avoid Poor Relationships

This article has been rewritten on my new blog: rdccoach.blogspot.com/

Check out the new articles here:

When Flirting Goes too Far (You’re just being rude)

This article has been expanded and transported to its new home: RDC COACHING


Three new articles:

• How to Flirt with words

• How to Flirt using your Body

• When not to Flirt

Why Relationships Matter So Much

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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.

I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.

Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.








In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.

Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.

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Why Honesty is So Important

Why Honesty is so Important

For whatever reason, when it comes to meeting new people or dating them, people like to over exaggerate or hide certain aspects about themselves. You might feel pressured to impress the other person so that they will take an interest in you, and that can lead you to say things that aren’t entirely true. There is a problem though with being dishonest even if it’s just a minor fib. More important than what you say during your interaction with other people is who you really are. Having a good and interesting character goes miles when it comes to building a good foundation for relationships.

Being honest means not telling people things about your self that aren’t 100% correct. This includes not telling little white lies or stretching the truth. It can be as simple as claiming an interest in something you really aren’t interested in or exaggerating the amount of money you make at your job.

There are three main reasons for why you shouldn’t be dishonest:

1. It can lead to a habit of lying
   It’s no surprise that when you lie you often have to lie more in order to cover for your other lies. The first few minutes you spend with someone new are going to be some of the most memorable. When you lie during those first few moments, the other person remembers what you say. In order to cover yourself from that experience you will either need to lie more, or come clean.
   Not to get too extreme, but lying can also lead you to have other bad habits simply because lying operates as a gateway to other bad behaviors.
   
2. It is actually unimpressive
   When people find out that you are lying they will not be impressed; in fact, their opinion of you will be lowered. It is also more in your favor, and is more interesting, to come across as independent (having your own opinion) from the viewpoints of those you speak to than to merely agree with everything that they say.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   It might seem as though having numerous commonalities with another person is in your favor when it comes to having a relationship with them. Although it might be true that you can build a bond with someone quicker by having several similarities, it isn’t in your favor to come across as uninteresting, or as merely being a follower (someone who simply agrees with everything and has no opinion on any matters).
3. It can cause you more problems
   Even if you manage to keep the lie going for a long period of time, it usually has several adverse effects later down the road. Take for instance if you lie about your debts or your salary: if you happen to marry someone who is under the impression that you are debt free and have a good job, it will come to them as a surprise when you beg them to pay off your debts with their money after marriage. This of course can put quite a few issues and conflicts into your relationship.
   You cannot see the future and although every lying situation is different, it almost always leads to a bad situation.
   

Nearly all people find honesty and as a more admirable trait than being agreeable. Integrity and honesty rank very high on most peoples’ lists of traits they desire in the opposite sex. By being honest whenever possible and upfront wherever appropriate, you can aid your chances of building an outstanding foundation in the kind of relationship that you wish you have. By being dishonest, how can you ever expect to build the kind of intimacy and trust necessary for a good relationship?

How to Visualize your Ideal Realtionship

This is a simple video on the importance of visualizing your ideal relationship, or the relationship that you want to have with someone in the future.

Steps that Lead up to Marriage

This article has been moved to my new website. I broke it into two articles:

4 Steps That Lead to Marriage

&&

How to Reach Marriage the Right Way, Not the Right Now

Go read the new articles and check out the new website!

Advice On Short-Term Relationships

In an effort to merge this website with my new life coaching website, I rewrote this article and published it over there in two articles:

(click to be redirected)

and

If you've already read the article that I had posted here, go read them both, particularly The Relationship Classification Guide since most of that article is new material.

New Years Resolutions

Happy New Years everyone!

I wanted to express the importance of new years resolutions, but my last article and my next post (this sunday) didn't allow for me to talk about realizing your dreams and setting goals to reach them.

New years, of course, is the holiday in which we reflect on everything we've done in the previous year and we set resolutions (or goals) to become better.

So while you're celebrating the new year, take some time to reflect on your dating life. I've provided a few thought provoking questions to help you:

• Do you feel like you've gone on enough dates this year, or would you have liked to have gone on more?
• Do you know of at least two people who you would like to pursue a better relationship with, or do you feel like there just isn't anyone who interests you at this time?
• If you are in a relationship right now, do you feel like the relationship is going at the proper speed, or would you like it to go faster?
• In 2011, will you be prepared to get married if someone popped the question, or are there things in your life that you need to work out before even considering marriage? If so, what are those things?
• Are you comfortable getting someone's number and asking them on a date, or do you have to work yourself up to that point?
• In 2010, did you feel adequate about pursuing a relationship with someone, or were there a few people you met who you felt were out of your class?
• Do you feel comfortable about yourself almost all of the time, or do you frequently feel like you aren't good enough?
• Do you feel like you've made a lot of progress in 2010, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually or is there something that is holding you back? Are you hold yourself back?
• What is your primary goal, pertaining to dating, in the next few months?

Some of these questions can be really difficult and might be things you've never thought of before.
If after answering these questions you feel like there are a lot of things you could improve on, please consider my 8 week program. In the program I cover the basics that I feel everyone should know about dating.
I also really pump you up and get you motivated to succeed at learning this so that a few weeks after you've made your resolution you don't forget about it or give up trying.

Good luck with the new year!

What Society Got Wrong about Love

Let me first re-state something I’ve only briefly touched on in a few of my articles: you can grow to love anyone. There is an ancient debate about what Truth is—whether there is such a thing as absolute truth or whether all truth is relative. But if you believe in one true God, you already know that there is such a thing as absolute truth and that God knows all truth—whether or not we as mere mortals understand the truth or not. Therefore, the definition of Love has one actual definition; we just may not understand it yet. In fact, societies have misused the term to the point where it has strayed from the original truth it once held.—Simply put, society has love mixed up with other things.








There are two primary concepts that society associates with the word “love”; neither are 100% accurate:
The first concept can be replaced with the word “passion”, or the sexual desire for another person. This sexual desire is the combination of psychological connections and chemical reactions that your body produces. (e.g. hormones, etc.)
The second concept frequently associated with the word “love” has a few different terms that are synonymous with it, such as “the warm fuzzy feeling” and the “feeling like you can’t live without them”, or in other words, that you want to be around them all the time. This type of “love” is associated with the feeling of excitement; it is often the deciding factor when someone says they “click” with their partner. For lack of a better word, this concept will be labeled “infatuation” for the rest of this article.

Neither of these concepts can be limited to just one person of the opposite sex, because you can be infatuated with a couple different people at once, and you can obviously feel passion for many people of the opposite sex. You can even have a passionate, chemical or psychological, connection with someone of the same sex; but
again, neither of these two concepts are 100% accurate about love. When used together, these terms come close to the true meaning of Love.—Passion and infatuation are both a part of love, but there is more to the true meaning of love than just these two byproducts of it.

Love is primarily a verb, or an action word, that over time has been modified in the English lexicon to also become a noun. There are several languages that separate the verb from the noun and there are many languages that separate the word for passion from the word for infatuation.
This may appear obvious, but love also isn’t limited to male-female relationships, but over time, the word changed significantly enough for people to stop using it as often in other senses. For instance, “The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (Samuel 18:1). This is a good example of an old, accurate use of the word. David, who later became King David and Jonathan, the son of the present king, were very close friends. They cared for one another, they understood one another. They wanted to remain in each other’s lives; and because of this Jonathan did everything he could to prevent King Saul from killing David. We can learn from this story that another part of love is caring for another individual, sometimes going beyond our comfort zone to do so.

Another good illustration of the concepts above would be when your mother gave birth to you. She put aside her physical well-being to bring you into the world. There were plenty of chemicals and other things floating around at the time and you both shared a very close physical connection (passion). She was also obviously obsessed with you and probably felt like she wouldn’t want to live if you died*(infatuation). But she also cared deeply about you and wanted you to have a successful life; she risked her own life in order for you to have yours (caring). Thankfully, you survived birth and are here today because of that Love.

The best example of Love is actually the Savior. He gave up his entire life up, from birth to death, in order to make it possible for you to one day have a perfect body and become sinless and return to Heavenly Father’s presence. He suffered, He bled from every pore, He took on the consequences of your sins, and He died publicly on the cross because He loved you. He also loved Heavenly Father, which is why He did everything He was told to do.—You can learn a lot about Love by studying the Atonement, [i.e. praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Death on the cross, and the Resurrection from the tomb].

Even though society, or the world, might have multiple uses for the word “love”, there is only one kind of Love. Passion and Infatuation might be aspects, or rather byproducts of love; but the real kind of love is manifested when you put yourself out of your comfort zone in order to help other people. It is selflessness and charity. The same kind of love that you have for your parents and family members now will be the same kind of love that you will have for your future spouse, and before you can find someone who will love you in this way, you will need to learn to love her or him this way.

Love is an essential part of having a relationship; it can very powerful as well. It is likely that the people who you think are the best people ever, the ones you look up to, are also incredibly loving people. They have a way of loving everyone around them and because of this, it is easy for you to love and look up to them. But not everyone is easy to love; with some people it can be very difficult to look past their faults and flaws and all of the hurt and pain they have caused you in the past.
We are encouraged by the Savior to “love one another”, to care about them, to take an interest in their lives and to assist them with whatever they stand in need of. The Savior wouldn’t give us such a commandment if we couldn’t fulfill it; and if we can grow to care about anyone then we have the hardest part of love figured out--the other two, after all, can become byproducts.

Remember the initial statement: “You can grow to Love anyone?” Well, you can also cause anyone to love you. If you have a little bit of knowledge, you can create Passion in other people; you can build yourself up and become interesting and put yourself into a position for people to be Infatuated with you; last of all, if you do the right things, you can give people the opportunity to Care about you.

Just like you can and should forgive everyone, you can also love anyone you choose. You can care about another person and feel infatuated with them. This is an exciting bit of information because it puts agency in your hands. You have a choice in the matter of “falling in love”. It isn’t just some random thing that happens to two people. It isn’t a matter of fate. This also means that there isn’t such a thing as “one true love”**, and any two people can love each other in the necessary way for a lasting relationship.

The absolute truth behind love is that any two people can love each other and be perfectly happy spending the eternities together.

-------
*If you’ve ever met anyone who has lost a baby at birth you’ll understand what I mean when I make that statement.
**This is another term that has multiple meanings and confusion in society. I’m referring to the definition that there isn’t just one person out there who you are destined to fall in love with.

How to not waste time and simply advance with good relationships

In October I wrote an article that I wanted to expand on: ”Don’t Give Up, Relationships Take Time”
As is evident by the title, relationships take time to develop. How do you equate time into a relationship?

There are essentially two types of relationships: short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
In a short-term relationship, it is expected by one or both parties that the two individuals will not be sticking around over time. That means that either they will be moving away or they don’t necessarily care about remaining in contact.
Certain businesses maintain short-term relationships in which the sale is for a one-time purchase, such as a real estate agent. They remain in close contact with you until they sell your property and then they leave after getting paid. Or perhaps you’ve worked on a group project before but you had no desire to remain in contact with the rest of your group after the project was finished.—Both are examples of respectable short-term relationships.

Long-term relationships are relationships that are intended to last forever—although that isn’t always the case. There are many things that can cause a long-term relationship to end; one big cause of a dead relationship is the lack of time or effort devoted to it. In order to maintain a long-term relationship, you will need to constantly devote time and energy to the other person. When you fail to contribute time to the relationship, instead of being a long-term relationship, it will end unintentionally premature, or merely as a short-term relationship.

There are essentially three states to every long and short relationship: dead, alive, and doing great! Dead relationships are non-existent; they’re in a state similar to those that you don’t have relationships with. Relationships that are alive are barely better than the ones that are dead. You might have a reasonable reason for this, such as the geographic distance, but in essence, just because a relationship is alive doesn’t mean you can necessarily rely on that individual to be around when you need them. Relationships that are “doing great” are the best kinds of relationships; they are close enough to you that you can count on them and you trust them—but they also take the most time and devotion. The relationships that you enjoy the most are the ones that are “doing great” and the ones that you have problems with frequently are the ones that are just “alive”.

Again: Relationships take constant time and nurturing to stay alive.

Back to the initial question posed at the beginning of this article, “How do you equate time into a relationship?” The following are a few good ideas to keep your relationships alive, to resuscitate a dead relationship, and to jolt your current relationships to make them better:

An email or other message

Electronic messages are casual ways to stay in contact with people. If you haven’t talked to someone in a while that you would like to, sending a brief message lets them know that they are on your mind.

A text message

Try sending a brief text message to start up a conversation with an old friend. If they don’t have time to talk, or they don’t feel like talking to you then you won’t intrude on them or make matters worse when they don’t respond back.

A thoughtful card or letter

With the holidays happening this month, now is an excellent time to send a card to your old friends or romantic interests. This is a non-intrusive way to revive old friendships or to keep them alive.

A phone call

Phone calls are one of the easiest ways to boost your current relationships. They can also keep relationships alive that are barely afloat. However, you should be cautious about making phone calls during times that the other person is busy. Making too many phone calls can also become annoying or burdensome on the other person.

A date

Depending on circumstances, asking someone on a date can really boost your standing with them. Surprisingly, most people are not asked on dates as frequently as they would like. Be careful with this as not everyone will want to go on a date with you when you first ask them. Simply put, if you continually find yourself asking a specific person on a date and he or she turns you down, there is a significant likelihood that he or she doesn’t want to go on a date with you.

A trip/vacation together

Later on in a relationship, it is appropriate for you to go on a trip with the other person (camping trip, road trip, cruise, etc.). This is a good time to bond because of how lengthy it is; however, it also takes a lot of commitment. You might be able to convince an old friend of yours who you haven’t seen in ages to come with you on a cruise or getaway, but don’t get your hopes up about going on a trip with someone who your relationship with is completely dead. (though you might luck out at the prospect of paying for their way. If you do try something like this, you will need to watch out for freeloaders, as they usually aren’t that fun to have a relationship with.)

Last of all, the best tactic you can use to keep your relationships alive and growing closer together with the rest of them is to be thankful. Watch for opportunities to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them. No one has an unlimited amount of time to devote to all the people they care about, but expressing thanks can go a long way for the time that you can’t spend together.

If you want to have friends or if you want to have a relationship with someone, whether it’s with your family or some guy or girl you like, you will need to devote time to the relationship if you want it to succeed, and if you want a better relationship with someone, just try any of the above.

How to Tell if you are Being Played

**Click here to skip down to the Dating Zion Article below**

Recently, the LDS church website was redesigned, and I feel like now is also a good time to list a few reference points to other material that state some of the same things that my blog does, so I’ve been searching for a few good articles and here’s what I’ve come up with:

• A rock solid article on being the right person for the right person, self-respect, and a little bit about the Lord’s part in our progress: Choosing and Being the Right Spouse(2002)
• A good article on how relationships take time and that passion should be put somewhat restrained in order to develop a real relationship: Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends (1994)
  --Be careful when you read in the beginning of the article not to confuse his definition of “friendship” with other definitions of the word. He uses the term to signify that the two individuals know and understand each other’s long-term goals, are sufficiently prepared at the time they get married, and have learned to appreciate and love one another.
• A few good true stories about how marriage is the Lord’s will and that we need to not fear or shy away from it:
  Making the Marriage Decision (2010)
• I’ve commented on this article in the past, it covers a broad range of false thinking that young single adults associate with marriage and it explains the outcome of such thinking. This is a definite read:
  Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision (2007)
• A good article that cites statistics and a survey taken at BYU (in 1987)—the numbers were probably worse elsewhere, but essentially the article makes a good case that there is nothing to fear about marriage and gives ten things to help us realize and desire marriage as well as prepare for it:
  The Faith to Marry (1987)
• An article that is meant to give hope to young single adults:
  Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope (2008)
  --I recommend you take a glance at this article (whether you end up reading it or not). There is an interesting blurb in the intro that I encourage you to read. It lists the ages of people who seek mental health counseling and then makes the statement that there is a growing trend for Young single adults to stay single for longer. I point this out because 26 and 27 isn’t all that old (time goes faster once to turn 20). Missionaries get home at age 21-23. You can pass 3 to 5 years quickly without getting married and ending up unhappy just like those in the examples. That can be roughly the amount of time it takes to go through a university.—But most people don’t seek counseling until they’ve done everything they possibly can, which could be even a year of extra unhappiness.—Don’t let it happen to you!

I also recently received the following question that I would like to answer in this post:


Q- How do you tell if someone is a player?

A-Before I answer, I want to define a player. I define a player as someone who manipulates other people in order to get what they want. –I suppose some people might define a player as someone who goes after multiple people at once, but I feel it is okay to like more than one person—at least until you are married that is—so there shouldn’t be a problem with dating multiple people—and moving forward with multiple people—until you make some sort of commitment with one of them.

Simply put, to tell if someone is a player, you first need to determine what they are after in life.—not everyone is at the same point in life and not everyone wants the same things. Second, you need to determine if they are getting what they want without full consent. (meaning, you need to determine if they are purposely manipulating people into doing things that only they benefit from or if they are doing things that appease everyone involved)






The problem arises when a person is only using those other people for selfish desires. They may even like and be interested in some of the people that they are using, but the fact remains that they are trying to get something specific from other people without benefiting the other person as well. (a.k.a. manipulation).
The most common manifestation of this (or rather, the one that most people think of) is merely attempting to receive sexual gratification from other people; this can come from actual sex, kissing or anything else. But players aren’t always after sex. Some players try to get freebies from everyone, they attempt to manipulate people into asking them on dates when they really have no intentions of progressing further with them. They attempt to get other people to buy them things and pamper them. They manipulate the other person into doing things for them –The list could go on and on, but I think the point is proven: a player is anyone who manipulates another person in order to receive some form of benefit for themselves and without regard for the other person.

With that understanding, you can tell if someone is a player by what their intentions are, or “what they want out of life” –Intentions aren’t always the easiest things to determine though and if the person is particularly good at deception then they’ll hide their intentions fairly well.
You need to understand that not everyone has the same agendas in life. Some people are uninterested in having a long-term relationship but still need to fill that gap in their life of having companionship with the opposite sex (it’s a basic need). They also might attempt to fulfill that need in an unconventional way (such as turning people into “kissing buddies” or “slaves” who they use to fix all their problems). If you are after the same thing as they are, then you both end up with what you want and there really isn’t any manipulation involved. For instance, if both of you want a “kissing buddy” then neither of you are really playing the other person. When you want one thing and they want another, you might feel played when they get what they want and you do not. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a player though. People can be under the assumption that you are both in accordance on what you want from one another, only to find out later that you are not both after the same things.

If you feel like you are constantly giving and not receiving, that can be a good indicator that you are being played, but remember that not everyone wants the same thing. He or she might be getting what is wanted from you and assume that you to are getting from them what you want. You can’t exactly judge the other person for ignorantly getting into that situation. People are confusing, everyone is trying to make sense of the events that take place in their life; therefore, it might just be that the two of you have the wrong impressions of one another and assume that the both of you are after the same thing when really you are not. That doesn’t make either of you a player, but in both of your best interests, you’ll want to stop.

Communication is the key, the more you talk about subjects relating to life and their goals, the better you will understand what their intentions are.
You can circumvent all of your problems by avoiding getting too close to people who don’t want the same things as you do (short-term relationships/long-term relationships).—Don’t be rude about it, but in your better interest it is okay to politely decline their advances.

I need to make an additional comment about this answer though as it is essential to a happy future: Even though you aren’t a player just because you merely want to have short-term relationships or “make-out buddies”, and you can find some people who share those same intentions, it isn’t going to make you happy in the end. Everything that merely entertains you in the present can leave you feeling hollow and empty once you overuse or can no longer be entertained by it. It can be an addiction that prevents you from having greater happiness and threatens future relationships you might have.