Foundations: Episode 15

Recap: It is good for you to not exclusively date anyone until he or she has made an agreement with you not to date other people. You can improve your chances of finding your future spouse and you can build a better relationship with the people you date if you initially date multiple people at the same time. Not only do you have more chances and less risk, but you will also be less stressful and more open around the ones you are dating.

Foundations Episode 12

Recap: When going on dates, be direct about what your intentions are. If you just want to be friends then tell them you are going to hang out; otherwise, if you want to make your relationship progress, call it a date.

Foundations Episode 11

Recap: there are two basic components of a great date: first, plenty of time to talk, second, a low-risk, low-threat environment. You want to put your date at ease, not nervous. Reading their body language and assisting them to become comfortable will lead them to appreciate the date and probably want a second.

Foundations Episode 10

This article has been replaced and expanded by a couple of better versions(sorry, non-video) on my new blog: RDC Coaching

Here is the new article: Why ALL Relationships are Risks
New Podcast: Common Relationship Cycle #2 - Walking Away



You can still watch the old video on my youtube page here.

The Secret to Recognizing when Others are Attracted to You

I want to point something out that I have observed lately to be an issue with a significant amount of people. Before I dive into what it is, I want to remind my readers that every piece of advice on my site has a dual purpose to it. –It isn’t solely about dating and getting married. True, everything is about forming relationships, but I often point out specific things for you to do that are beneficial to you not only in your dating life, but in your career and family life. The things that I write about are as much applicable to being successful in all areas of your life as they are specifically to your dating life. Not to mention that relationships constitute our human existence: we form relationships with everyone, not just the people we are in love with.

So even when I center these articles around developing and cultivating the relationships in your life, really this advice applies to every aspect of your life.

The secret of which I am referring to can be illustrated best by looking at the world of combat sports. In wrestling, fencing, boxing, mixed martial arts, and even self-defense, there is a key component that separates the highly skilled combatants from those who are only moderately skilled. That component is eye contact. As it is explained by most professional combatants, the reason for maintaining eye contact is to recognize the intentions of your opponent.

While you are searching for interesting people to form relationships with, you can save yourself from a lot of deadbeat relationships by recognizing those who maintain eye contact. Those people who do not look at the ground when they walk, who speak directly to people, and who actively speak tend to be “more experienced” with life. Why is that important? Well, because the more experienced a person is with life, the more potential they have for having a good relationship.

Maintaining eye contact is a sign of self-respect and self-confidence. It is one of the most important aspects of body language. People who are constantly looking down tend to be the easiest people to read and often miss some of the finer details of life. You don’t want to be one of these people, especially if you are looking for someone to form a lasting relationship with—you’ll notice more admirable traits in people if you take the time to look at them.

Life experience is a helpful component in building relationships. It includes being independent enough to live on your own, confident enough and talented enough to make your own decisions, and having experiences (both good and bad) to rely on during hard times. I have found that people who lack life experience tend to blame the world around them for their problems. This should not be the case, life experience helps you to realize that you can do (or prevent) anything from happening if you put enough effort into it. The only person who fully has control over your life is yourself. In that sense, all of your successes, and all of your problems fall back on you.

Life experience is a combination of street smarts and book smarts. By developing these types of knowledge, you are half way to gaining experience. The other half needs to come from your own effort and determination. If presently you are one of those people who walks with his or her head down, or you can’t look people in the face when you speak to them, force yourself to do so. In time, it will become a habit for you, which will help your self-esteem and make it easier for you to portray the confidence you need.

Just as in combat sports the opponents each look at one another to recognize the intentions of the other person, if you have a habit of looking at and watching people, you will be surprised at the clues that become apparent to you when others are attracted to you. In film acting, the camera focuses attention around the eyes of the actor and close-ups are particularly used in order to bring attention to the eyes. This is because most of our human emotions can be recognized in and around the eyes. Attraction causes several basic emotions and can happen in an instant. When you become talented at looking people in the eyes, you can begin to recognize the signs that others convey, purposely or accidently, through their emotions.

Foundations Episode 6

Recap:
Most women don't get asked out on dates. That means that women who take initiative and ask men are 10x more successful than those who do not, and men who take initiative and ask women out have nothing to fear about getting a first date.

Foundations Episode 4

Recap:
The best pickup lines are simple.--You don't need to use pickup lines to get someone's number. In fact, making a complex pickup line can make you come across like a weirdo. Keep it simple and don't be cheesy.

Foundations Episode 3

Recap:
Always be ready for the next thing.
Getting asked for your number or asking someone for their number will lead to a date. Going on a few dates with someone will lead up to a relationship with them. If you stick with a relationship long enough it will turn into marriage. So always be ready for the next step; and if you aren't right now, start preparing for it.

Foundations Episode 2

Summary:
Sorry to delay the juicy stuff in this series, but I want to point out that the two aspects of dating that lay the foundation for a Great relationship are: 1. Mingling/Introductions. 2. Dating. As I talked about in Episode 1, you want to start these parts off right so that when you get to the relationship phase it is easy for you to advance into a relationship and it eliminates a lot of bumps.

How comparing yourself to others affects your relationships

This week’s article is on a subject I feel everyone can relate to: Comparing ourselves to other people and how it relates to our relationships with others. I’m sure you have experienced it before, when your friend gets blessed with something in life and you feel like they don’t deserve it. Or you wish that you were as successful as someone else.--You wish you had a boyfriend/girlfriend like all of the other people your age.--You want to feel loved by another person and have those passionate feelings for someone else. But comparing yourself to other people is bad because it limits you from reaching YOUR potential.

Here, let me explain:
Everyone is different, everyone is unique. No two people experience the exact same life or go through the same ups and downs. Our lives are carefully guided by the creator who desires for us to reach our potential and continue learning and growing. You will experience specific situations that only YOU could grow from, and they will happen at a time when you need to learn those lessons the most. You may be given trials or hurdles that you need to overcome, or you may be given barriers that prevent you from advancing at the present time. But these things are for your benefit. And they may be things that others never have to experience, but guess what? –That’s the beauty of this life: Your life is YOUR life.

The relationships in your life can be severely affected by your perceived need to be equal to others around you. After all, you fill your sphere with people who are supposedly at the same level as you are, right? Not necessarily. You fill your life with people who may share commonalities in personality, and have similar interests, but that doesn’t mean that they are on the same level as you are. We’re talking about maturity. Even as an adult, you will find that not all adults are on the same level of maturity as you are. Again, this goes back to life experiences.

We are shaped in life by the situations we are put into. Imagine your most challenging experiences in life and picture what your life would be like if you didn’t have to go through them, would you be the same as you are today?

So how does all of this relate to comparing ourselves to others?

When you compare yourself to other people and feel as though you need to be doing the same things as they are, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, traveling the world, moving away from home, buying a house, going to school, etc. You set yourself up to miss the important aspects of having these things in order to 'measure up' to your peers. There is an old saying that illuminates this principle: “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” –Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is good, but merely having one to say you have one misses the point. Traveling the world can be fun and grand, but if all you do is go to the location, take a few pictures to brag about it later, and then return home unchanged, you have missed the mark on why traveling is so exciting. Moving away from home can grant you a lot of freedom, but it also comes with responsibilities and if you are not prepared for them you can get into a lot of trouble. –I think I have made myself clear: Just because others are doing it does not mean it is right for you.





The opposite can be true as well: just because others are NOT doing it, does not mean that it is right for you. When others are postponing marriage or choosing to not attend additional schooling, etc. you still need to decide for yourself what is right for you.

But how does all of this relate to having good relationships???

Good relationships are not an end result. In other words, you can’t merely arrive at a good relationship one day. Having a good relationship is a constant process, it is the “journey”. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you both need to be heading in the right direction—you need to be working towards the same things. If you are heading in one direction, and the other person is heading in the other, then you really aren’t going anywhere together—you’re just brushing paths occasionally!
Being specific: When you are out to have a relationship with someone just so that you can say that you are dating someone, and they agree to date you thinking in their mind that the two of you could have something special going on, then you both aren’t heading in the same direction. He or she is heading towards the settling down stage and you are heading towards impressing/pleasing those around you who wonder why you are not dating anyone.

Remember that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Just because your friends are getting married, or because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends, that does not mean that you are ready to do so. Maturity is crucial here.

Yes, you should be working towards getting married because it is as much a part of life as moving away from home is; but you should not get into a relationship just because other people are getting into them or merely because you want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, you should get into a relationship because you have found someone who you can spend eternity with.

Marriage isn’t a destination, just like a relationship isn’t a destination; it is a part of your journey through life. You will need the assistance of another individual in order to continue progressing, growing, and reaching new levels in life.—No one is meant to go alone through life, you will need someone to help you meet specific challenges head-on and overcome trials. This isn’t something you can simply “obtain” or “reach”, it is a continual process. In order to have a good relationship, you will need to continually nourish that relationship. Just like a plant cannot continue to grow and will likely die without your support in feeding it water and sunlight, in order to have a good relationship you need to continually nourish the relationship because without nourishment, it will fade away and die.

So next time you see your friends and peers doing things that you wish you could be doing and you start to compare yourself to them wishing desperately that you could have the things that they have, or do the things they do, just remember: they are at a different level than you are (they may even be at a lower level and you have grown passed such things), and they are on a different path than you are—you’re heading where you need to go, and they are heading where they need to go.
If you make the effort to look for it, you will find that there are plenty of the opposite sex heading in exactly the same direction as you are (progression wise), you just might need to take a side-quest or an alternate route in your journey in order to compensate for them so that you can continue your journey together.

You don't have to play "The Game"

I have received a few questions about this recently, so I feel like for this fifth Sunday post, I will address this topic. Typically people will ask me something about how they are performing when playing “the game” and why they aren’t “winning” the game, why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are so skilled at having fun times with other people. Let me first make a statement that I think you will grow to appreciate: “Playing games is for kids” and when you’re an adult, you don’t play the same games as you did when you were younger.

What most people refer to when they talk about “the game” is that they are approaching dating as if it were a win-lose match. They flirt with a guy or girl to the point where that guy or girl takes an interest in them(score!), then they try to “win” them over enough that they can begin to date them(score!!), and then if they are lucky and make a few wins here and there they can get married(double score! YES!). Some of those people, who approach dating this way, are also afraid to talk to the person they like about serious things. [They may fully like someone, but not want to tell them that they like them, or they may not want to bring up the topic of marriage or exclusive dating because they are scared that doing so will prevent them from “winning”.] Most people who try to apply the “game” concept realize that it brings more hurt and loneliness than they care for; the rest live their life in a fantasy world where they are magically pampered and don’t realize that they are hurting other people by their actions and ultimately they end up miserable when the whole game falls apart and no one wants to play games with them.

If you have been approaching dating as if it were a game, then the rest of this article is specifically for you. If not, then read it anyway because you might not know that how you are approaching dating is what has been hindering your dating success.

“Dating” is the process of finding someone to marry. As I mentioned in a previous article, there are various steps that lead up to marriage, including mingling, dating, courting and marriage. Mingling is what you do to find people to date: you go to parties, events, the store, the mall, etc. and you find people who you might be interested in (typically this is just based off of physical attraction). Then you get their contact information and you ask them on a date. You go on a few dates with them and you realize that he or she is the person you would like to marry, so you start to court them, or in other words you date them, and only them. You go on more dates with them and things seem to work out, so you ask him or her to marry you (typically this is done by the guy, but there are occasions where the woman asks the man, and I think we might start seeing more of this as society heads in new directions). This is the basic process of getting married; you have to do all of these things or you will not advance to mariage.

With that in mind, you also need to realize how to advance through the four phases. In other words, you need to learn how to go from meeting someone to dating them, and from dating them to courting them, and from courting them to marrying them. This is not a game; if you try to build a relationship this way (as a game), you will be building a make-believe, pretend, relationship that is dependent on playing games to survive. When you take the games away, you don’t have anything real to stand on, and so the relationship will crumble.
When you are creating a real relationship, you are building the proper foundation so that when things in your relationship become questionable (i.e. you wonder if you can trust the other person, whether he or she really likes you, or if you can really see yourself marrying him or her), then you will have things to fall back on. If you are serious about finding and marrying the perfect person for you, then you will approach dating seriously.

So what’s the difference and how do you know what that difference is?
Most of the problems that people have in relationships are fixable and preventable: this is because most of the problems that people have with their relationships are really problems they have with themselves. You cannot expect other people compromise with you all of the time; and you definitely can't expect people to change just for you. You too will have to compromise in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. With that in mind, I have created a small list of important things that YOU can do to have real relationships. The focus should be on changing you and not having them change and compromise for you.

1. Real Relationships are Honest –You can’t lie about yourself, your talents, or your situation or when he or she starts to question you, these things will be brought up, and he or she won’t trust you, will re-decide and will probably determine that they don’t like you, and he or she may not want to marry you. If you’re poor, don’t say you’re rich. If you’re not good at something, don’t say that you are. If you don’t like pets, and he or she does, don’t tell him or her that you like them, and don’t do the same with kids. How could you ever expect to plan your lives together if he or she doesn’t know what your life is really like?
   Also, when you can be honest, you can tell the other person that you like them and have no worries about them trusting you. A pattern of honesty is worth more than an action of statement—you can show someone you love them better by being honest with them and telling them that you love them, rather than buying them flowers or gifts and being dishonest on occasion.
2. Real Relationships Balance Flirting. –When you flirt too much and don’t have ‘serious time’, your relationship can’t progress. You need to have serious moments now and again where you have the time to talk about making life plans together. Relationships are not fun and “games”. They have exciting times, sure, but they are primarily serious. Don’t think of relationships as hobbies or things you do for entertainment, going out to meet people, although fun, still needs to lead to a serious relationship. This is precisely why I have always discouraged short-term relationships: they do not teach you how to have lasting, serious relationships.
3. Real Relationships are Prepared to Advance -- When you get married, what are your plans? When you begin to court someone, where would you like it to lead? When you date someone, do you plan on eventually having a long-term relationship with them, or a short-term relationship? When you go out looking for guys or girls to hit on, are you doing it for fun, or are you doing it because you want a relationship? Before you take any interest in dating someone, you should be comfortable with what comes next: a relationship. And when you enter into a relationship, you should be comfortable with what comes next: an exclusive relationship/courting. These things lead up to each other, and if you have no intentions of advancing into the next area or you are incapable of doing so (maybe you aren’t ready for commitment, or you have other things you need to work out), then you will not be able to progress, and you shouldn’t attempt to until you are ready. That is called "leading people on".
   If you are in a relationship, it will reach a standstill, if you are dating people, none of them will develop into courtships, or if you hit on someone it won’t ever reach the next stage: a date. Start by preparing yourself and everything else will fall into place.
4. Real relationships are not political-—I could not think of a better way to put this. There aren’t any politics behind real relationships. You don’t need to make the other person feel like you are their best chance in life because you are in high demand and all the boys or girls want you (reread #2). You don’t need to prove anything to him or her that you are the perfect match (reread #1). You don’t need to use spite against them when they decide not to advance with you; if your relationship ends, or you stop dating, or you don’t even get a first date, who cares? Trying to get back at them will not help you, in fact it will only hurt them and…“what goes around comes around”—You will get hurt more than anything you could do to them. You do not need to one-up them, or score on them to get more points than they do. Dating is not a game!
   
   It is when two mature individuals decide to work out their differences that they decide to get married. If marriage is your goal, then you should stop acting like dating is just a fun thing you do for entertainment and hoping that one day you will marry a husband or wife who will keep you entertained every day for the rest of your life. Instead, you should start acting like dating is part of a larger goal that you are working towards, and that you want it to be the best it can be.

5 ways to Mean Something to Him or Her

Everyone wants to be important in the life of the person they like. It isn’t enough to like a guy or girl—you want to be liked back! Wouldn’t it be great if the magic genie could make people fall in love with us, or cupid could soar down from the sky and shoot them with one of those special arrows that make people fall in love with the first person they see. –Things just don’t work that way though.

I have come up with a list of things YOU can do to make him or her see you as something meaningful in their life:

1. Be the right person, for the right person . First things first, you need to develop qualities that the other person would see as helpful for them, or meaningful to their existence.
2. Make them a priority. If you don’t make them a priority, why should they make you a priority? If you want them to drop everything for you, then you had better drop everything for them too. Relationships work in both directions, and if you want to have a good relationship you better make the relationship a priority in your life.
3. Devote the right amount of time to them. Relationships take time to develop, if you aren’t making the effort to talk to him or her on a regular basis, then it is you who is holding the relationship back; and probably without knowing it.
4. Take the right steps. Don’t get caught up into thinking that you need to be friends before you can enter into a relationship with someone. Friendships CAN lead to courting relationships, but if you don’t make any steps towards a real relationship, such as asking them out on a date, or having serious conversations with them , then you will probably never mean anything more to him or her than just a friend.
5. Be nice. You may not realize it, but sometimes your behavior can be a little rude. Everyone has their moments, but if your moments are too frequent, then you might just be scaring people away. Try being nice to the other person—VERY NICE—and see how that works for you. –Don’t allow yourself to be walked all over, but exercise a little charity and you will see wonders happen with your relationship.

Although you can’t force anyone to like you, or to see you as relationship material, you can do things that improve your chances of them seeing you as meaningful to them.

Since this article is short, I’m going to propose a question for you to think about. Feel free to answer with your own experiences in the comment box below: What are some things others have done to make you feel like they are important to you, such as friends, bf/gf, family members, etc.?

Why Relationships Matter So Much

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As you read from the many articles on this website, you might reach a point where you ask yourself this question: “Why is having such an in-depth understanding of dating, relationships, and marriage so important?” But, when you understand the importance of these functions, you will recognize your true potential, see the big picture, and you will have a desire to achieve success in this area of your life. It will make your life much better, you will be happier and you will enjoy your life much more.
Having an understanding of how this complex system called “relationships” works and how you can take the most advantage of this social system will help you make educated, conscious choices. It will empower you and help you to refine your character. It will make you into a better person and can help you gain the skills to change other people’s lives for the better.

I have divided this article into three segments: Marriage, Relationships, and Dating. It is my hope that these segments will provide you with an in-depth understanding of the significance of their functions. You need them, and you should approach them seriously.

Marriage
Aside from any obvious reasons why you would want to get married, there are several reasons why you need to get married, and the sooner you do so the better your life will be. You are incomplete without the opposite sex; without a husband or wife, you will reach a point where your progression halts; and without the opposite sex it would be impossible to fulfill ALL of your physical, mental, and emotional needs.
Progression is good, and you have a natural tendency to desire progression because you are a child of God and naturally want to become like him. When you choose to postpone marriage, or even to put it off entirely, you hinder your own progression throughmissed opportunities and failing to have certain experiences. Hard experiences build character, and having a spouse can by very trying on your patience; but God wants you to have those trying experiences because it will help you progress and become like him.
You cannot do everything in life on your own. There are many things that you simply cannot do at all but need the vicarious help of others in order to accomplish them. Particularly, you cannot have and raise children properly if you do not get married. Children benefit immensely from having both a father and a mother who love each other, worship God, and love them (the children). If you do not get married, you will remain incomplete and incapable of doing many things in the best way.








In order to fulfill all of your physical, mental and emotional needs, you will need the help of the opposite sex. Physical (particularly sexual) desires are a sacred, necessary, and beneficial aspect of life. They lead you to use heavenly powers to procreate and help bring God’s spirit children into this world. Mental desires work in the same manner: you have the desire to be among equals intellectually and to be working with others towards common goals; having these desires help you to progress and, as anyone who has experienced the addictive feeling of learning something new will understand, the more you learn the more you will want to learn. Emotionally, you have the desire to build trusting relationships with other people. Without a close group of people who you could trust, you would suffer from loneliness, depression, and other emotional problems.
You have an innate need to fulfill these desires and without the opposite sex you will be left unsatisfied. Any attempts to fulfill your physical desires on your own will leave you forever wanting and can lead you to severe problems. The same is true with people who advance intellectually but are unequalled in their intelligence: they recognize that knowledge serves no purpose when it is not applied and it is kept to their selves; and you would have a challenging and conflicting life if there was no one you could trust. Regardless of the specific outcome of failing to fulfill your needs, the general result is sadness; you will be unhappy whenever you fail to fulfill those desires at the time they come knocking.
There is no need for you to postpone marriage; in fact, it should be something you work out quickly. You will find, after marriage, that not everything about your wife or husband is what you expected. Part of your progression is learning to look past your wife’s or husband’s faults and support them when they struggle. No two people are really “perfect” for each other when they start out; it takes several years for two people to truly “fit” (the common estimate is 7 years).
When you look at your life on the eternal spectrum, this life is a very small speck, barely noticeable compared to the billions of years before and after. Your soul is eternal and the hundred years that your life on earth contains are very minor. You will spend many more years of your existence married than you spend single. If you really want to be married for eternity to someone, it would be better for you to enter that stage of life sooner than to post-pone the inevitable. Imagine the ‘married stage’ as your final state, just like a frog starts as a pollywog and morphs into a creature with traits of half-pollywog-half-frog before turning into a frog, you have no need to teeter in both worlds when you could as easily reach your true state. Again, you are incomplete without the opposite sex; it is expected for you to one day marry for eternity to reach your “completed” state. (This is often why people who are newly married claim their spouse “completes them”)
In a good marriage, you can fulfill ALL of your desires, you will not be limited in your progression, and therefore you will not be “incomplete”. Your physical needs will not have to be completely bridled. You will be able to learn from one another and help fulfill each other’s mental needs. Also, you will always have someone who you can trust and turn to for emotional support.
Marriage is a specific type of relationship in which the ultimate level of trust is agreed upon by both parties; that means that when you agree to marry someone, you agree to the highest level of trust. Complete fidelity helps maintain your emotional, physical, and mental needs by ensuring that you will have a reliable source capable of fulfilling those needs. When you remain single, you hold things back from those you date because you lack that high level of trust, even if only on a subconscious level. You also spread yourself thin when you continue to date multiple people because you cannot fully commit to any of them and so none of them are given the chance to see all of you.

Relationships
“Relationships” is a loose term that includes acquaintances, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and husbands and wives, among other things. Forming relationships is a good thing. Humans are social animals; they require the help of others in order to survive. The type of relationship that you have with another person is based on your interaction with that individual and the type of “compacts” you have formed with them. You subconsciously make generic connections to people that reference the type of relationship that you have with them. With this subconscious understanding, you are able to respond to their actions in an “acceptable” manner. For example, you do not passionately kiss your friends the way you would with your spouse.

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How to Visualize your Ideal Realtionship

This is a simple video on the importance of visualizing your ideal relationship, or the relationship that you want to have with someone in the future.

Steps that Lead up to Marriage

This article has been moved to my new website. I broke it into two articles:

4 Steps That Lead to Marriage

&&

How to Reach Marriage the Right Way, Not the Right Now

Go read the new articles and check out the new website!

The Big Picture

 EDIT: (1/20/2011)
I just added the option for you to receive updates on this blog via email. You no longer have to remember whether or not there is a new article this week or if it is next week, it comes to you in your email!

Also, don't forget that there is a facebook page set up to sending out reminders, so like Dating Zion on there as well.


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The Big Picture
The decision to get married may be the most important decision of your life. It is one in which you probably look forward to making, but also feel nervous and uneasy about. It might be one that you are anxious to make or it might be one that you keep postponing for other things.
However, before you proceed with this important decision you should understand the Big Picture: There is more to life than just marriage; and although marriage is essential and should not be put off or hastily initiated, you should focus on changing yourself to become the best person possible. If you are doing everything possible to become a better person and you are making reasonable steps towards the goal of marriage, there will be nothing stopping you from getting married at the right time and in the right place.

You have been given, agency, or the God-given ability to choose your own life. If you work at it, you can accomplish anything; but remember the old adage “work smarter, not harder”. -–That’s right, sometimes working hard isn’t enough; you also need to know how specific things work in order to work better. For example, before the Wright brothers built their first airplane, they had to learn a few principles about physics (lift, thrust, drag, equilibrium, etc.) Yes, they worked hard, but they also learned well.
With that in mind, it is easy to see the power that God has given you to act in this life: You literally have the world at your fingertips and if you work and learn, you can make all your dreams come true.

In the rest of this article, you will learn how every principle previously presented on this blog works, and how they are all related. And, after reading this article, hopefully, you will begin to see much more of The Big Picture.

(Click the numbers for a specific Dating Zion article written on a similar topic.)

1. Resolve to Work	-- Before you even start on your journey, you should answer this questions, and be completely honest with yourself while: Are you really willing to do the work necessary to succeed? Do you have the self-control to give up anything that might stand in your way? To do this, you will need to weigh your options and determine what things you value more. Pertaining to marriage, is getting married more important to you than worldly success? Is it more important to you than popularity? What about being a good person, is that more important than having friends? Is devoting your time and energy to the cause worth accomplishing the task? No matter what your answers are to these questions, you now know how much you are willing to give in order to get what you want. If you were completely honest with yourself, it will be easier next time you need to put forth the time and effort for your goals. Choose today to go to work; don’t put it off till tomorrow because you never know whether something else will come up tomorrow. Resolve to work.
2. Set Goals and have Dreams	-- At the same time as you are resolving to work, you need to decide what you really want. The more specific you are about it the better. Your wants and desires that are general, are only dreams; your wants and desires that are specific are goals. All goals need to have a time limit. Some goals are quantifiable, meaning a number can be attached to them. Above all, goals and dreams need to be personal. Some people say: “You need to make it your own”. In other words, you need to do things for yourself, not because other people want you to. If other people want you to move out of the house and get married, you need to decide for yourself whether you want to move out and you want to get married. No one else can make goals for you, but they can help you once you have set them. If you want to get married, that’s just a dream; but if you want to get married in the next 3 years, that’s more of a goal. How can you measure that goal? –One option is to count the number of sub-goals that will help you reach your long-term (3 year) goal; but not every goal needs to be quantified. Some goals can be conditional, meaning yes or no. With conditional goals, you need to clarify the conditions. For example, having the goal to “be comfortable around the opposite sex” isn’t necessarily quantifiable.-—sure, you could set a goal to talk to 75% of the people you come within arms distance of for more than 3 seconds, and then every day tally up how many of those you actually did, but it would be better if this goal was conditional: when you reflect on the day, did you get nervous about talking to someone and if so, why? How can you improve? A major part of the big picture is setting and reaching goals and dreams.—that’s part of your eternal progression, which is part of the big picture.
3. Plan and Prepare	-- Now that you have goals, both short term and long term, how are you going to accomplish those goals? What steps do you need to take to reach your goal? If your goal is to save up X amount of money so that you can get on your feet once you are married, what does that require of you? How much of your paycheck will you need to devote to this, and what will you do without that money? Some plans are just about self-control and additional mini-goals, but other plans are more complex. Take for instance a time where you needed to learn something before you could accomplish your goal. Your options might be to go to classes to be taught those skills, or to hire a tutor, or to simply read a book on the subject. Which will you choose? Which will give you the best learning experience? Which will cost the most? These are the kinds of questions involved in planning and preparing to accomplish your goal. Think about everything involved and how you will accomplish it. Write all of this down. Write your goals down, write your dreams down, and write your plans down. And every time you feel impressed to add to or change your plans, write them down immediately before you forget them.

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New Years Resolutions

Happy New Years everyone!

I wanted to express the importance of new years resolutions, but my last article and my next post (this sunday) didn't allow for me to talk about realizing your dreams and setting goals to reach them.

New years, of course, is the holiday in which we reflect on everything we've done in the previous year and we set resolutions (or goals) to become better.

So while you're celebrating the new year, take some time to reflect on your dating life. I've provided a few thought provoking questions to help you:

• Do you feel like you've gone on enough dates this year, or would you have liked to have gone on more?
• Do you know of at least two people who you would like to pursue a better relationship with, or do you feel like there just isn't anyone who interests you at this time?
• If you are in a relationship right now, do you feel like the relationship is going at the proper speed, or would you like it to go faster?
• In 2011, will you be prepared to get married if someone popped the question, or are there things in your life that you need to work out before even considering marriage? If so, what are those things?
• Are you comfortable getting someone's number and asking them on a date, or do you have to work yourself up to that point?
• In 2010, did you feel adequate about pursuing a relationship with someone, or were there a few people you met who you felt were out of your class?
• Do you feel comfortable about yourself almost all of the time, or do you frequently feel like you aren't good enough?
• Do you feel like you've made a lot of progress in 2010, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually or is there something that is holding you back? Are you hold yourself back?
• What is your primary goal, pertaining to dating, in the next few months?

Some of these questions can be really difficult and might be things you've never thought of before.
If after answering these questions you feel like there are a lot of things you could improve on, please consider my 8 week program. In the program I cover the basics that I feel everyone should know about dating.
I also really pump you up and get you motivated to succeed at learning this so that a few weeks after you've made your resolution you don't forget about it or give up trying.

Good luck with the new year!

A Brief Explanation of Mating and Dating Psychology

To make our process of dating and finding a mate simple, we subconsciously classify people into groups based on our needs and their ability to fulfill those needs.

There are three general, basic needs that everyone is trying to fulfill: Physical needs, such as having food, water, shelter, filling your appetite, etc.; Mental needs, such as the using of our mind, the gaining of knowledge, the sense of accomplishment, obtaining a greater understanding of life, etc.; and Emotional needs, such as being happy, loving and being loved, feeling successful, fitting in, etc.
We seek activities and companionships that can fulfill these desires in our everyday life. For instance, we obtain employment in order to gain food, water, and shelter; we have friends so that we can be happy, and we read the newspaper because we wish to gain a greater understanding of life around us.

Of course there are some activities that you will do that fulfill multiple needs all at once; and there are also times where you will have to choose between fulfilling one need or the other but not both. Life is a complex collection of your past and present experiences and your desires for your future. When you are placed in a complicated situation, your mind will engage in a process to simplify the information it is presented with in order to make a decision.

Relating this to dating and mating, your mind makes a complex process (finding someone to enter into a relationship with who will fulfill your physical, mental, and emotional needs), into a simple one.

So, to make your dating and mating life simple, you both consciously and subconsciously classify people.--Ever been hit on by someone you didn’t particularly want to be around? How do you know you don’t want to be around that individual—because you pre-classified them as non-dating material.
The classifications you make become based on various observations of the five senses, especially those related to body-language, and can be based on cognitive associations. For instance, if you perceive someone as 'weird' or 'awkward' when comparing them to the rest of society, you will attach a classification to them that they aren’t your “type” (because they can’t fulfill your basic needs of 'fitting in' very well), and you won’t feel attracted to them. On the same note, you can perceive someone as being attractive (and capable of fulfilling your needs) and you will classify them as your “type”.

Primarily, this classifying happens subconsciously—you won’t typically think about it while it is happening and you will do it automatically with everyone you meet.—The objective your subconscious tries to achieve through classifying is to narrow down your options to the candidates who can fulfill your needs better than the rest.

Again, whether you are consciously trying to judge people or not, your subconscious will do so for you in order to make your decisions simpler.

Pertaining to dating, there are essentially four categories that you will classify people into who you come in contact with and will generally develop relationships around those categories:

1. Short-Term
2. Long-Term
3. Out of League
4. Below League*

Short-term relationships are relationships that usually fulfill some of your needs, particularly the physical needs. As the name implies, they are short-term; the end is foreseeable. Examples of this type of relationship are sugar daddies/sugar mommas (an individual who is used for their money or skills), or especially a make-out/intimate partner.

Long-term relationships tend to last longer, more is invested in them, and they have greater payoffs over time (e.g. you fulfill more of your needs, especially emotional needs), however, they still take time. Examples of this type of relationship include husband/wife and courting relationships.

Out of League relationships fulfill emotional and mental needs, such as the need to love and to feel excitement; however, they do a poor job at it. Those who are “out of your league” are people who you wish you could form a short or long-term relationship with, but feel as though the chances of that happening are very slim. Over time you lose interest in these people and they slip from your sphere due to lack of contact. Examples of this are your secret crush, or the guy/girl who you suck up to frequently but don’t go anywhere with. [If you’re thinking of a specific person right now, you should consider signing up for my dating coaching services as I can help you with this problem.]

Below League relationships are relationships where you perceive that the individual cannot fulfill your needs. It is the flipside of the above situation; you have someone who you aren’t interested in and who won’t leave you alone; or it could be someone who you just want to be friends with because dating them really wouldn’t fulfill your needs.


As I mentioned earlier, you will come into situations where you have to value your needs and determine between two actions that fulfill different needs. In some situations this can be quite honorable, but in other situations it turns out sad: some people have such a strong emotional need for acceptance and to be loved that they will give up their physical well-being to do so and offer themselves to an individual in a short-term relationship in order to fulfill that need and their physical desire. I call this trading, as usually the individual gives up one need in order to seek after another need.

There is actually a fourth set of needs that not many psychologists mention: Spiritual needs. You have a desire to be connected with God and to be founded on the moral truth. Some people are fooled by Satan into seeking after other “gods” in order to fulfill this need. They will go to great lengths in order to justify their behavior morally when the only true way to fulfill that need is through repentance.
Although this set of needs can only be fulfilled personally, you can develop relationships that help you to fulfill these needs for yourself.

When you are developing relationships, it is important to consider your basic needs: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. You should seek long-term relationships that can potentially fulfill all of those needs.**


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* I merely use these terms; they are referred to differently by different people and encompass a lot more than the brief description I give of them.
** I devoted this article to the dating application of these principles, but for reference, there are certain situations where short-term relationships are acceptable.

How to not waste time and simply advance with good relationships

In October I wrote an article that I wanted to expand on: ”Don’t Give Up, Relationships Take Time”
As is evident by the title, relationships take time to develop. How do you equate time into a relationship?

There are essentially two types of relationships: short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
In a short-term relationship, it is expected by one or both parties that the two individuals will not be sticking around over time. That means that either they will be moving away or they don’t necessarily care about remaining in contact.
Certain businesses maintain short-term relationships in which the sale is for a one-time purchase, such as a real estate agent. They remain in close contact with you until they sell your property and then they leave after getting paid. Or perhaps you’ve worked on a group project before but you had no desire to remain in contact with the rest of your group after the project was finished.—Both are examples of respectable short-term relationships.

Long-term relationships are relationships that are intended to last forever—although that isn’t always the case. There are many things that can cause a long-term relationship to end; one big cause of a dead relationship is the lack of time or effort devoted to it. In order to maintain a long-term relationship, you will need to constantly devote time and energy to the other person. When you fail to contribute time to the relationship, instead of being a long-term relationship, it will end unintentionally premature, or merely as a short-term relationship.

There are essentially three states to every long and short relationship: dead, alive, and doing great! Dead relationships are non-existent; they’re in a state similar to those that you don’t have relationships with. Relationships that are alive are barely better than the ones that are dead. You might have a reasonable reason for this, such as the geographic distance, but in essence, just because a relationship is alive doesn’t mean you can necessarily rely on that individual to be around when you need them. Relationships that are “doing great” are the best kinds of relationships; they are close enough to you that you can count on them and you trust them—but they also take the most time and devotion. The relationships that you enjoy the most are the ones that are “doing great” and the ones that you have problems with frequently are the ones that are just “alive”.

Again: Relationships take constant time and nurturing to stay alive.

Back to the initial question posed at the beginning of this article, “How do you equate time into a relationship?” The following are a few good ideas to keep your relationships alive, to resuscitate a dead relationship, and to jolt your current relationships to make them better:

An email or other message

Electronic messages are casual ways to stay in contact with people. If you haven’t talked to someone in a while that you would like to, sending a brief message lets them know that they are on your mind.

A text message

Try sending a brief text message to start up a conversation with an old friend. If they don’t have time to talk, or they don’t feel like talking to you then you won’t intrude on them or make matters worse when they don’t respond back.

A thoughtful card or letter

With the holidays happening this month, now is an excellent time to send a card to your old friends or romantic interests. This is a non-intrusive way to revive old friendships or to keep them alive.

A phone call

Phone calls are one of the easiest ways to boost your current relationships. They can also keep relationships alive that are barely afloat. However, you should be cautious about making phone calls during times that the other person is busy. Making too many phone calls can also become annoying or burdensome on the other person.

A date

Depending on circumstances, asking someone on a date can really boost your standing with them. Surprisingly, most people are not asked on dates as frequently as they would like. Be careful with this as not everyone will want to go on a date with you when you first ask them. Simply put, if you continually find yourself asking a specific person on a date and he or she turns you down, there is a significant likelihood that he or she doesn’t want to go on a date with you.

A trip/vacation together

Later on in a relationship, it is appropriate for you to go on a trip with the other person (camping trip, road trip, cruise, etc.). This is a good time to bond because of how lengthy it is; however, it also takes a lot of commitment. You might be able to convince an old friend of yours who you haven’t seen in ages to come with you on a cruise or getaway, but don’t get your hopes up about going on a trip with someone who your relationship with is completely dead. (though you might luck out at the prospect of paying for their way. If you do try something like this, you will need to watch out for freeloaders, as they usually aren’t that fun to have a relationship with.)

Last of all, the best tactic you can use to keep your relationships alive and growing closer together with the rest of them is to be thankful. Watch for opportunities to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them. No one has an unlimited amount of time to devote to all the people they care about, but expressing thanks can go a long way for the time that you can’t spend together.

If you want to have friends or if you want to have a relationship with someone, whether it’s with your family or some guy or girl you like, you will need to devote time to the relationship if you want it to succeed, and if you want a better relationship with someone, just try any of the above.

The Problems of Hanging Out and Other Dating Habits

I’m posting this article out of the normal cycle because it’s actually a revision of an article I wrote many months ago (I’ve removed it from the blog). I will still be posting a new article on schedule for the first Sunday of the month.
Not much has changed in this article compared to the previous one, but I felt like I needed to clarify the points and explain them in a better way.

The Problems of Hanging Out and Other Dating Habits
This article is based largely off of the comments by Elder Oaks in the June 2006 Ensign “Dating versus Hanging Out”
Essentially, the prophets have expressed to young single adults that they need to devote more attention to the proper dating methods and to cease relying on poor dating habits that are developments of modern society.
A few prominent modern habits include:

Hanging out

Spending time with a group of people, male and female, merely to be entertained, have fun, or relax. This could simply be partying together, or an unexpected, casual invitation to spend time together.

Group Dating

When four or more individuals go on a date together.

Emphasizing “Friends First”

When your primary strategy for finding an eternal companion consists of making friends first and after a lengthy period of time as friends deciding if you want to date them or not; or, in other words, not making the decision that you want to date an individual early on.

Prioritizing Career over Family

Choosing to postpone dating or starting a family in order to pursue a challenging career

Relying on Others for Marriage

Counting on your bishop, stake president, family, or friends to line you up with someone to marry.

Waiting to be Loved

Choosing to postpone dating because you are expecting to find someone who will love you right off the bad, or someone who you instantly connect with.

Although there are a few pros to engaging in the above behavior, there are also a lot more cons, which is why the prophets have discouraged them in the past. Below are some explanations of the problems with having these habits:
Hanging Out - One big problem with hanging out is that it gets you into a subconscious habit of assuming that the people you are hanging out with are merely there to entertain you. Your mind makes a connection with those individuals that there is an expectation for them to make life fun for you. Later down the road they stop being entertaining and you lose interest in them. The real issue occurs when you rely on hanging out to build a long-term relationship. –it is nearly impossible to get to know someone when you have only seen the side of them that is entertaining. How do you discuss life goals or express your feelings while you are “having fun”?
Group Dating - When you are in a group of people, you tend to act differently than you do when you are spending one-on-one time with someone. The same is true with your date. If the only dates you go on are with a group of people, you are failing to truly get to know the people you date. The reason this is a bad habit is that it is better to have a habit of simply asking people on single dates. Single dating is highly encouraged.
Emphasizing “Friends First” - Having a policy of being friends first then deciding if you want to date them has the same effect as hanging out. You get in a subconscious habit of associating that individual with being a friend and you lose interest in them as anything more. Later on, when it comes time to start dating your friends, things are “awkward” (because of your established psychological associations). You are better off separating friends from love interests.
Prioritizing Career Over Family - Claiming that you want to get started on your career or finish your schooling is a false excuse. You will always be able to find an excuse for why now isn’t a good time to date or to get married and start a family; and just like any other excuse, it is merely a poor reason for why you are not taking risks or doing the things you know you should.—You will always have financial problems or be “too busy”—excuses never fly when it comes to important things.







Relying on Others for Marriage - No one knows your likes and dislikes better than yourself and no one is as invested in you as you are. It is your responsibility to get married and no one else’s. Therefore, you are not only the best person, but you should be the only person making an effort at getting yourself married.
Waiting to be Loved: - Very few people are easy to fall in love with. Chances are that you are not one of them. Love is a two-way street, so if you want to be loved you need to love as well. You will need to woo someone into loving you as much as they will need to woo you. You can’t expect things to happen for you if you don’t put forth an effort.
Dating requires taking risks; imagine it as being an investment. You put various things on the line (emotions, time, finances, etc.) and hope that they will give you a beneficial return. If you burry your investment or spend it on other things, you will never have any kind of return.
Life is hard, don’t get discouraged.
You will need to set goals and make plans in order to see the desired outcomes you would like.
You need to be the right person for the right person if you are going to get married.
You can change, and if things aren’t working out for you the way that they are now, then you need to change.
Sometimes it merely comes down to having the motivation and the courage to make things happen for yourself.

And if you need a little help, Dating Zion is now offering Dating Coaching to people living in Logan, UT. Check it out!
And if you’d like more information, be sure to request a pamphlet by emailing consultdz@live.com.